| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:32:29 PM | Men shouldn't flirt. It's feminine.
Women flirt to attract men to get them to ask them out. (or for just cheap ass attention, which is rude, btw, but they don't care and conveniently won't count is as lying since it's not overt)
Since men don't tend to get women to ask them out, all you are supposed to do is make with the action and go get her phone number.
It says right in your definition: "Flirting is an expression of sexuality and a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely indicates a romantic or sexual interest towards another." SHE demonstrates interest in YOU by flirting and all you do to reciprocate is ASK HER OUT. Where does it say to bat your eyelashes? If she's flirting, the signal is already sent so what is the point of you flirting back?
So anyway, yeah it's inappropriate since women are sending intimacy signals to other men saying "i'm available." It's disrespectful to you.
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If it is a problem, it is not the flirting itself but its intention.
Oh, is that so? Well i'm just sleeping with other women. That's harmless in itself, but i don't have any intent in leaving my wife so that's okay. Oh, doing that is disrespectful and thoughtless to your partner? So... just like flirting! I'm glad we agree.
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Some people are quite secure with their SO flirting and some are not.
Being secure with it or not is irrelevant. It doesn't make it appropriate. It communicates something negative. Why is being insecure always thrown around to shame people for having standards? "If you were secure you'd let me do..." Heck no! I'm secure because I risk losing you by setting your ass straight and letting you get mad. Then it becomes instead "you're controlling!" No, i'm setting rules for you being allowed in my life. Follow them, or get out. You still have all the control. It is YOUR decision what you do. The thing is, you set these rules FROM THE START so that no one is resentful later on. If they don't agree that your rules are fine, then you are INCOMPATIBLE and should end things and find a more compatible individual.
If i'm out with my girlfriend and i see her making googly eyes and other flirtacious stuff to another guy in front of me, i'm going to read the writing on the wall and realize that this woman doesn't fear either disrespecting me or losing me. She would find herself stuck somewhere without a ride and her crap on the porch and never hear a word from me again.
I'm simply amazed what a lot of you are willing to put up with as if you're some martyr in your relationship for trying hard to "make it work" and letting the other do whatever the hell they please regardless of how it affects you. A truly interested person would be SCARED of invoking your wrath and losing you and would never dream of doing this stuff either in front of you or in situations where it could get back to you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't fear losing you? Do you want to be with someone who views you as disposable? I want a girl that looks up to me and marvels a bit, "wow just how did i wrangle this guy? I better not F it up!!"
I work for the government, and every year they make us take this certain ethics training class. What the class teaches is that you shouldn't do anything that even gives the APPEARANCE of inappropriateness. Does anyone disagree that flirting could be mistaken for giving that sort of appearance?
Not only is the partner disrespecting the other partner, but s/he is allowing SOMEONE ELSE to disrespect him, which is intolerable. My girlfriend has a duty to put people in line who are disrespecting me and/or our relationship. No guy has any business flirting with my girl. His body language has no business going sexual or starting to violate common body distances appropriate to the social situation, and she should draw strict lines quickly and succinctly, leaving no doubt.
If i have a girlfriend, i talk to other women. I have fun with other women. I joke with other women. But this is barely any different than with other men. I was talking to my softball coach's wife (both are young) last night after the game about tapeworms in the field's hotdogs (of all things) and we were laughing about them and having a good time, but it was no different than with a guy. It doesn't even occur to me to do anything to telegraph sexual interest because she is off limits. I don't touch her. I don't wink at her. I do none of that junk because I respect my coach.
Perhaps some of you think that just busting on girls and joking with them automatically equates to flirting. I don't know, but i don't agree that is the same as flirting. I say the same sorts of stuff to guys that i do girls and i assure you i am not attempting to flirt with guys when i bust on them and tease them.
You agree to forego certain things when you commit to a relationship. Don't commit if you aren't prepared to give those things up. And if your partner doesn't mind, i question his/her self respect as i doubt there are many that say they don't care and really don't.
Go ahead and do whatever you and your partner want, but i have clearly drawn lines and i donot hesitate to eject a woman who crosses them. I wouldn't want a woman who even *wants* to cross them simply because her interest is THAT HIGH in me. I don't want lukewarm women. Being alone is better.
Another thing i just remembered. Respect from other men is important to me. If my friend sees my girlfriend flirting with another guy, his respect for me is going to lower. He's not going to think "what a lucky guy to get such a great girl!" He's going to think "aw, poor guy." Screw that. I am NEVER "poor guy." Do you want to be "poor guy?" Hell no! I am happy go lucky MANLY guy who knows he can go get other girls that will adore him rather than that trashy girl who dares to think she can act single after agreeing to our commitment terms. I doubt she'd ever have gotten through the filtering process to girlfriend level anyway so i never have to deal with it. Good luck with you guys poorly chosen mates.
I hate all this him/her she/he pronoun nonsense. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/11/2009 10:14:42 PM | | My suggestion is don't use Wikepedia to look up anything! Anyone can edit those definitions , it's not Webster! Do unto others, and if they aren't treating you the way you'd like to be treated, then get out. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/11/2009 10:15:25 PM | Maybe I misunderstand the definition of flirting in my case ..I'm certainly not talking about sexual innuendo, or coming on to someone while in a relationship..I'm just friendly and jokey, not even a conscious thing..and I would NEVER, EVER do anything that made an SO uncomfortable or hurt....If they didn't like it, I wouldn't do it...and since I have never cheated in any form, nor had any desire to...
The only time this was an issue was when I was married and he was comfortable with whatever I was doing...and I kinda encouraged him because he felt women found him unattractive, and once we were married, he was more relaxed and got more attention from women, and it tickled him...and I thought it was a good thing...I knew he wasn't being disrespectful or hurtful...
Sigh...I don't know...one of the least attractive things about the forums is no matter what behavior it is, there are always a significant amount of people who turn everything into a negative. I always saw being friendly and silly etc as a good thing...I know I don't do hurtful or disrespectful things...and, no one I have ever known ever objected to this aspect of my personality..they always liked it.
I never knew how bad, un-dateable, emotionally sub par etc. I was till I found the forums...lol...and how many perfect people there evidently are.... | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:14:32 AM | BigDaddyJinx, you can't be ****ing serious.
So if your husband or wife is FLIRTING with people at work, and you have a PROBLEM with that, you're RAMPANTLY INSECURE and JEALOUS?!
What?!!
This is absolutely ridiculous. Flirting is there for a PURPOSE. It's not just there for fun. Flirting is there as a bait to draw people in...and you just might mess around and flirt with someone just "for fun" (yeah...right), and they'll end up really starting to like you eventually (or vice versa), and one thing leads to another... Before you know it you have a homewrecker on your hands, and someone ends up cheating, getting hurt, and if kids are involved, well that just puts the icing on the cake.
And what if your wife was flirting with another guy right in front of your face? How would you react then? Would you like that? | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:37:16 AM | The original question was WHEN is flirting harmless or hurtful....
It's harmless if your only intent is to make another person feel better about themselves.....
It's hurtful when your only intent is to make yourself feel better about yourself............
Think about it...... | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:39:26 AM | "Harmless flirting" is just that. If you're in a LTR with someone, and the whole dating process consisted of them "flirting" with every man/woman that crossed their path, yet you knew he/she was coming home with you. That shouldnt change because its who they are. (I'm talking harmless.... flirty comments to waitresses ~big and small~ unbiased) Its their personality, and to be honest a bit of a "boost" for the self concious recipient.
To your now ex wife that took flirting too far and ended up cheating, not all are like that. If its in your nature, you know your limits and you know when someone else is taking it past its intentions and you CAN stop it toward that person before it goes past your comfort level. I have a lot of male friends that are flirts. They flatter people, even in front of their wives. Too many people are hung up on cheating and self destruction, its a welcome to have light hearted people cross our paths occasionally. Someone that just wants to see someone else (strangers included) SMILE. No harm intended, its how the other reacts that you have to be careful of. I'm not a flirt in a LTR but it doesnt send warning signals if the one I was attracted to, always had that type of personality. I've been cheated on before, and it wasnt from ones that flirted openly, it was the "quiet ones". Just another perspective. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:48:45 AM | cmdrfunk[[[[I'm simply amazed what a lot of you are willing to put up with as if you're some martyr in your relationship for trying hard to "make it work" and letting the other do whatever the hell they please regardless of how it affects you.]]]]
I only clipped this part of your post cmdr, but I agree with everything you said. I think flirting while in a relationship, is a tell tale sign of "I'm getting bored here." | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:58:09 AM | "Harmless flirting" is just that. If you're in a LTR with someone, and the whole dating process consisted of them "flirting" with every man/woman that crossed their path, yet you knew he/she was coming home with you. That shouldnt change because its who they are. (I'm talking harmless.... flirty comments to waitresses ~big and small~ unbiased) Its their personality, and to be honest a bit of a "boost" for the self concious recipient.
I have heard this saying that "It doesn't matter where they get their appetite, as long as they come home to eat." and it makes me sick. It DOES matter to me where the appetite comes from, and if it isn't me, then I might as well wear a bag over my head. Sorry, but just because he comes home with me, doesn't mean the relationship is good. I don't want to be someomes sprem dumpster, after he flirts with the waitress. And it's not my partners job to cater to someone elses need for a boost.
a funny and witty personality is fine, and if I'm in a relationship with someone, he is always free to show that part of him. a sense of humor has alot to do with why I pick him. But at 45, I have a darn good idea of what is a general funny remark, and what has a sexual intention. I'm not insecure at all. Just smart. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:58:46 AM | Its ludicrous to suggest an objection to flirting makes one insecure or jealous.It means one has a sense of ones own worth and strong boundaries about what they will accept. We are talking flirting here not having a laugh or joke with someone or paying them a compliment to cheer them up.Thats being charming or nice.
I can be an outrageous flirt when single but if I am attached I am circumspect about my behaviour around other men.Anything else is disrespectful to him and means I am also lacking self respect.
When I flirt with someone, I get asked out usually, flirting indicates attraction.Its not about insecurity , its about thoughtfulness, consideration, and respect for your So,s feelings.We dont have to flirt with everyone, we can use self control and cop - on.The bar gets lowered all the time, I would never accept such behaviour either and he could jog on, if he needed other womens attention to that degree.
A person flirting in a club in front of their partner is humiliating them and devaluing them.Its pathetic attention seeking behaviour, when you have a partner.Be friendly, warm and complimentary, yes thats charm but flirtatiousness is for single people.JMO. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:01:51 AM | If you consider it a LTR than why would you want to flirt with someone else? You can either have filet mignon or chopped liver, but brother, your punk ass can't have both man! I haven't met a lady yet that is cool with you checking out some other lady in a verbal manner while going through Wally World with her. Damn, I think you got into my stash!  | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:37:16 AM |
BigDaddyJinx, you can't be ****ing serious.
So if your husband or wife is FLIRTING with people at work, and you have a PROBLEM with that, you're RAMPANTLY INSECURE and JEALOUS?!
What?!!
To answer both those questions in the order they were received:
Yes I am serious.
Yes you are rampantly insecure and jealous.
This is absolutely ridiculous. Flirting is there for a PURPOSE. It's not just there for fun. Flirting is there as a bait to draw people in...and you just might mess around and flirt with someone just "for fun" (yeah...right), and they'll end up really starting to like you eventually (or vice versa), and one thing leads to another... Before you know it you have a homewrecker on your hands, and someone ends up cheating, getting hurt, and if kids are involved, well that just puts the icing on the cake.
That may be how you and other insecure people view flirting...but when it leads to more then it's no longer flirting now is it? The question asked was about flirting, not the f*cking that can follow for the weak minded out there that can't distinguish between a flirt and a full on "come on".
And only idiots and the weak let "one thing lead to another".
And what if your wife was flirting with another guy right in front of your face? How would you react then? Would you like that?
Had this happen several times (though I'm not married). I have no issue with it at all. I suppose a lot of that has to do with the belief that my partner is savvy enough to know the difference between flirting and "one thing leads to another". That comes with dating those that have more than 2 IQ points I guess. Funny thing is, of the ones that have cheated on me, it was the ones that DIDN'T flirt that ended up doing the cheating.
Wrap your head around that... | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:46:44 AM | yew4ic: ........... you focused on only one part. Did you miss,
Someone that just wants to see someone else (strangers included) SMILE. No harm intended, its how the other reacts that you have to be careful of. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:24:25 AM | BJD I am neither jealous or insecure but I would not flirt with men whilst in a relationship or cheat.It unethical and selfish.I dont need the validation of being flirted with either because yes I am secure.
Its good to see you are secure enough to laugh at some light flirting/joking etc and that good to see.But flirting needs to be carefully contained and the other persons feelings considered.If it is light hearted and a bit of banter fine.If it becomes sexual in any way, thats too far.
I love a laugh/banter myself, the S/S forum has me in hysterics every time I read it. But Its good to be mindful about your partner and their feelings, even discuss this matter with them to ensure you are not hurting their sensibilities.Respecting others is not a choice to me but an obligation.
We are all different and react differently.Rampant insecurity and jealousy involve constant vigilance,not allowed look at opposite sex,jealousy of friend/family, objecting to certain clothes on a a partner,mistrust on nights out etc not objections to flirting
I feel its more of a respect issue, not making your partner look a fool/ diminish them than a jealousy one.Simple consideration for another's feelings as a human being. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/22/2009 4:13:34 AM | Frogkissin[[[Someone that just wants to see someone else (strangers included) SMILE. No harm intended, its how the other reacts that you have to be careful of.]]]]
No need to worry about the others reaction, if the attempt to make them smile is funny, but not flirtatious. There is a line that separates these two. ;)
I may be old fashioned here, but I also think it's rude to use alot of terms of endearment with the opposite sex. I find it a put down when a mechanic, or plumber, etc calls me honey, sweetheart, baby, etc. This is a form of flirting as well. But it is often inappropriate IMO. It's somewhat sexist. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/22/2009 7:23:38 AM | Hi-
I agree with CurlyGirl. In a way it is a sign of disrespect, and I am into treating others with respect and dignity.
In fact this thread has me questioning a lot of what is going on with the guy I am seeing....He is on multiple dating sites, and is still looking, although he denies it. Internet history does not lie. Before anyone states I have my POF profile up....I like the forums, and have told him this.
Good luck. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/22/2009 12:03:40 PM |
So whats your take on flirting while in an LTR, harmless or hurtful to the relationship you're currently in? Flirting in itself is generally harmless unless there is genuine intent for the flirt to lead to a potentially cheating scenario. That said, something like this is really a valid discussion topic for the two people in the LTR, to set defined parameters regarding what sort of flirting behavior is acceptable. Me? I'd accept a minimal bit of flirting by my partner, to the point I've defined above; flirting with intent is not acceptable. Generally, you should have a good sense of whether your partner is a natural flirt of not when you decide to have a LTR with him/her, right? You would naturally discuss any sort of behavior that you find unacceptable, whether it is flirting, health habits, etc. | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/22/2009 2:05:31 PM | How can flirting when your attached be harmless ?
Its insulting to your other half !
Persoanlly when I am attached I never flirt because i am sensitive to my other halfs feelings.
And why flirt if your happy with your partner ? | |
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| When in a LTR is flirting with others harmless or hurtful?
Posted: 7/22/2009 2:34:20 PM | Flirting is an expression of sexuality and a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely indicates a romantic or sexual interest towards another.
If "flirting" meant only "engaged conversation w/ someone of the opposite gender", or even "an expression of sexuality and a common form of social interaction" - I'd be ok with it. But using the OP's definition (above) I'd have to say that it's always hurtful to flirt w/ someone not your SO - LTR or not.
To me, the issue turns on the "expression...of romantic or sexual interest" element. If you're in an LTR and expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone not your SO, you should go back two spaces to "FWB" - or even three spaces to "just hanging out". | |
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