| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/13/2009 4:17:33 PM | | Yes, I tend to agree. When emotions get heated up, you never know how people will react, especially a date. I would always choose to shut up, let them think as they will and diffuse the situation before it would get too heated. A smack or two from a man or a physical threat made verbally is really quite common, and really is your safety and well being worth It? I mean, so what if they do something and you can`t get an apology out of them? I`d rather just dump them rather than get confrontational or harpy and risk my well being. I guess I just don`t trust what people will do when they are heated. Seen way too many men lose it and hit or kick or pick up a gun or break stuff. I avoid at all costs getting men ticked off in real life. They sometimes snap, and sometimes over not that much. You don`t know if they will come after you later to get even or what. You have to think about your behavior and the repercussions. Is putting your personal safety at risk worth proving a point? And when dealing with men, that is always a possibility. Let them think they have won the arguement and stay safe and alive. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/13/2009 4:26:19 PM | I have noticed that many men in this age group have a very hard time apologizing.
I am sorry that you feel generalizing and denigrating men will make you feel better.
One man I recently broke up with told me that he always apologized in his marriage and therefore has a hard time with it now. I don't find him unusual.
He is just tired of apologizing because some women feel "entitled" that everything should be ABOUT THEM!
I have had more round and round and round discussions with men who I feel have upset me who will minimize or deny my feelings. They'll say- I wasn't being insensitive. I didn't talk down to you. I didn't patronize you.
Your perceptions may be skewed. That can be the case when you FEEL that everyone owes you an apology. Get over yourself.  | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/13/2009 7:41:32 PM |
Hey, she might be on her way to MoosePoop, Alaska to join her kindred spirit.
I just wonder if men, specifically men in Alaska, are different as a whole then men in the rest of the 1st world?
A smack or two from a man or a physical threat made verbally is really quite common, and really is your safety and well being worth It? I mean, so what if they do something and you can`t get an apology out of them?
Or perhaps the demographics justs sucks, and the quality of men are crap due to socio-economics....
I guess I'm at a loss...I know no man that hits women....I know no man that hits their children....of course, when I used to be a supervisor in a ship yard...I'm sure there were plenty of woman hitters there....but, in genteel society....this is not common...
And again....saying, or not saying, "I'm sorry" is not gender specific... | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/13/2009 7:54:51 PM | Whew, Northern Dreamer, that's one helluva roller coaster ride!
She acknowledged a while ago that she needs to think about why she finds the same type of man repeatedly. So she gets it that one can't generalize about all men lacking an ability to apologize. She explained a while ago that she told the one man to get of her car because she sensed that things were about to escalate into a fight. If her "lecture" to him had been so horrible, why did he not simply get out of the car?
O right, because he would have had to walk for ten entire minutes to get home. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:17:57 PM | | Ran: I' m not concerned about alienating half this anonymous population. And I'm also not needing to save face. Not a big deal. I put the question out there out of curiosity. throughout all of this, the man in question and I have sorted it all out while all of you are turning yourself into knots trying to psychoanalyze it all. So he isn't getting a kick out of this. We have talked it through and life is fine, thank you very much. I think you have the bigger issue than I do since you and your buddies are turning it into a huge psycho thing. As for the alpha female, not a wannabe. I think it's a pretty cool thing to be. you're the one with the issue. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:46:33 PM | NorthernDreamer - Msg 109
As for the alpha female, not a wannabe. I think it's a pretty cool thing to be
It seems that you like very much the term "alpha female", but I’m not sure if you are not confusing it with the “alpha dog”. Alpha female is the top female dog (or wolf) in the pack, and as such she must mate with the alpha male to stay the dominant female in a pack of wolves.
But perhaps, you are drawn more to the spotted hyena personality. The spotted hyena differs significantly. Their society is matriarchal, and the top female is indeed the top dog. Females of this species are aggressive fighters, prone to dangerous games and risk, independent of mating partners on all matters except copulation and expecting no particular bond with them.
There is a dominance hierarchy among females, and a similar one for males, but the lowest ranking female ranks above the highest ranking male. Females did not achieve this state of affairs peacefully it seems, for they possess fierce tempers: leading all hunts, fighting among themselves to the blood, and if they get a chance killing members of rival clans.
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:08:01 AM | | Ran: Delivery is everything. And if you think that your delivery is going to make anybody stop and listen to you..... well, you got that wrong. As for BS- only your point of view. While you go on discussing this, my man and I have moved on. So guess he was able to get past what you are clearly needing to hang on to. You have anger and resentment in your words. Not sure why I stirred up such emotion. After all, it's just a post in a forum from a stranger. Why does it mean so much to you? | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:11:32 AM | Ms Divine: The context I'm referring to is the context of my whole sentence- the one which you quoted.
To be honet, this whole discussion is getting boring. Think I'll let the rest of you debate me. Seems it has stirred up alot of feeling for people. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:38:55 AM | Why do you need a sorry?
Whenever I am hurt or angry the first thing I do is look at my behavior....not theirs mine.....Why do I need a apology? Is it to make me right? Or feel justified with my behavior? Usually if I am angry I need to set down and figure out my part....all of us have a part. No matter how small it is a part. It also takes the focus off them and puts it back on ourselves. That keeps me from Obsessing over them. It makes me take time to truly look at myself. I write down every single thing that has been done to irritate me by them.....then I write my part in it. And whenever I look at my part it usually just shines.....and glows. I don't always behave so nicely. Then I work on my part. I can set loving boundaries with people in a loving way.
Your feelings are neither true or untrue.....but feelings. They aren't fact. And to be honest you can change your feelings and attitude with just a touch of the head. His feelings are just that. Just because a person feels something it isn't fact.....I like to look at my facts that means at my behavior. And why would you need a apology? Does that cure everything for you? I have learned what other people think is none of my business what I think is.......that is what I focus on now. Happier and healthier..... | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:46:00 AM |
To be honet, this whole discussion is getting boring. Think I'll let the rest of you debate me. Seems it has stirred up alot of feeling for people.[/]
It has stirred up a lot of feelings because of what you have written. It just shows what a unhealthy woman you are in behaviors and attitudes. Your behavior is of a martyr and your attitude is bitter.....and you have offended men in general. But if I was a betting gal....you are going to have problems with finding someone in general to match you....and if they do they are going to be just as unhealthy as you are.
I wish you luck with that. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:46:40 AM | OP here's a hint; people will continue to respond until you surpass the need to defend yourself against their point of view. It's not really important who has the last word.
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:59:00 AM | In my marriage, my wife was the one that could never be wrong. So I was always the one apologizing. My friends now tell me I do it too much!
I will apologize when I realize I've done something wrong. I will say I'm sorry if I've done something wrong and I feel remorse about it. The difference between the two is if I FEEL bad about the mistake.
To address the OP's post...
Given the aparant relationship, I would have said I was sorry for making her feel the way she did. I still may or may not apologize or say I'm sorry about the issue that started it all.
She has the right to her feelings, and if I care about someone I will regret hurting them (sorry). But I still retain the right to stand by my position.
The two are NOT the same thing. One deals with the other's feelings, and the second deals with your perspective! | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:04:46 AM | | OP I feel that I would have to know the circumstances before making a judgment call on either you or him but sufficeth to say...my husband always said he was sorry before I and I have learned to live from regret. "Me thinks being a little stubborn is laced in my genes"....takes a big person to feel their sorry and an even bigger one to say it regardless of the age, gender, nationality, sex, hairstyle, lipstick, cologne, cowboy boots, belt buckle, .............oh sorry.... rambling again! | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:54:18 AM | | Some guys have a hard time admitting they are wrong. I guess they think it will bruise their ego. I admire I guy, that can admit his wrong, and say I am sorry. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:17:26 AM | | Do you want a sincere apology or just a bunch of words that someone knows will get him off the hook? Actions always speak louder than words. Having said that, I wouldn't want to go through life as an aggrieved party, always hurt, always seeing imaginary hurts, where there are none. Self assesment is tough but it's part of life. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:14:02 AM | To be honet, this whole discussion is getting boring. Think I'll let the rest of you debate me. Seems it has stirred up alot of feeling for people.
oh look. this is where she kicks us all out of the car and we walk the last mile home in the dark. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:17:27 PM |
oh look. this is where she kicks us all out of the car and we walk the last mile home in the dark.
To funny.....you said what I was thinking.
But back to the topic. Water seeks its same level. Someone that is unhealthy in behavior and attitude and doesn't taking responsibility for their behaviors will find their level.......Ouch Being the martyr and being the victim without ever accepting responsibility for your behavior will lead to a life full of anger and resentment.
The Original post smells of resentment and entitlement. And now they are back together her and her man everything is great until the next time. This behavior is bound to rear its ugly head up and start over and over. Until you learn new behavior and a change of attitude and take responsibility for you feelings.....Again feelings are feelings not the truth,,,,,,,Just the way you feel....they are neither right or wrong. This immature behavior and attitude will keep existing.....but alas its like talking to a close door with a closed mind.......There have been many posters here pointing out your behavior and condescending attitude and doing so in a intelligent non-combative manner and you still take issue with what they have written. They have done it with intelligence and great empathy towards you because you just don't get it. I realize that maybe you aren't meant to get it.......some people never get it....much easier to blame and be a victim their whole life.....I wish you luck with that. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:03:18 PM | It's like that Cheerio's Multi-grain commercial:
what else does the box say?
the box says shut up Steve.
You want all the Steves in the world to apologize for what the box says. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:54:07 PM | | Well, it's like a wise man said in the beginning,I will not quote it all but it had something to do with sex and a paint mixer. I cannot tell you how many times this scenario played out in my marriage over 25 years. I'm a slow learner because even when I knew the truth, I couldn't give up. Call it co-dependency, call it love or what I call it: a tragic waste of time. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:35:30 PM |
I have noticed that many men in this age group have a very hard time apologizing. One man I recently broke up with told me that he always apologized in his marriage and therefore has a hard time with it now. I don't find him unusual. I have had more round and round and round discussions with men who I feel have upset me who will minimize or deny my feelings. They'll say- I wasn't being insensitive. I didn't talk down to you. I didn't patronize you.
I have a pretty think skin, I'm pretty self-confident so I don't readily feel put down. But I do know when I'm being patronized. I try to explain to these men that if their words and actions made me feel this way, then that is my reality. To just deny it is ego-centric. I find men in this age group to be highly defensive. It makes it very difficult to discuss issues with them.
If you upset somebody and they call you on it, do you try to see it from their perspective and tell them you'll try to be more sensitive the next time. Or do you tell them that you don't agree with their perception and it's their thing to deal with. The latest situation we sat in my car for an hour while I tried to explain to this man that denying my feelings is disprespectful. he finally said he would not apologize. I told him to get out and I drove away (he was a 10 min walk from his home).
OP...do you want an apology to validate your feelings or because he is genuinely sorry?
If he doesn't feel sorry for something, then his apology would be insincere and,frankly,rather worthless.
If you feel that you have been wronged,then tell the other party.
If they choose to apologize ,then they will.
If they don't choose to or don't feel that they have wronged you...then I guess you are going to have to deal w/ it.
I think a lot of women wait for a man to apologize, when they should be telling him that they are hurt or feel slighted.
We aren't mind readers...and you should probably be glad of that. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:20:40 PM | | A question for OP's BF. Are you still riding in her car or is she riding in yours now? I've heard that some women are such control freaks they make you sit down to pee and it sounds like you've found one of those "alpha in charge" types. Run for your life, but stop before you get to Alaska, sounds like we have one up there too. | |
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| Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry.
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:23:02 PM | saying "I'm sorry" is very difficult for almost everyone.
it is not only tough for men to say, but very nearly impossible. for many, many men, the female must know him well enough to know what passes for an apology.
there are also cultural and familial factors that influence a lot of people when it comes to what should be apologized for and how to express it. | |
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