| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:36:49 AM |
If you have to beg to hear the words, I would think their meaning would lessen.
I agree. AND I think that is, essentially, her point as well --and the reason it may be a deal-breaker.
You know what? If I loved someone and he asked me to STOP saying it to him so often, and I really loved him, I would accomodate that. To make him happy. Because putting his needs before mine says "I love you" as well as words do.
HOWEVER, if you are the ONLY one accomodating another's needs, it then becomes a "deal-breaker". | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:50:46 AM | I wont lie and say i dont miss having someone say I Love You.... but I also miss having someone care.
And if I am really being honest those things that show me that a man cares are more important anyday then some three words could ever be.
Washing your car for you or checking your oil. Starting the car in the middle of winter/sweeping it off. Leaving work to come fix your flat tire. Smiling when you looked his way.... lots of little things that gently make the point that your presense would be missed. That you make a difference in their lives ... that you occupy some of their thoughts.
Ive had guys tell me they loved me and not shown it. And it was hollow and empty.
Ive had guys show me they loved me and I knew it to the bottom of my soul it was true.
You cant expect him to say it. If you feel it thats great thats wonderful. But to expect him to echo it everytime you feel like saying it doesnt make sense. You are in that moment that need to say I love you- If you want to hear him say I love you and he cant then you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. But if you are willing to accept other ways of expression of the same things then ask him why he does the things he does for you....
and if he does nothing for you? well you have something to ask yourself. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:20:48 AM | This is the same damnn post again, isn't it.??
I can honestly see both sides of this one. No one is suggesting to throw the words I love You about to early and without any real meaning behind them....but, if two are in Love...really in love...those words will not hurt, they will not harm you.
What's sad, in some way, is that many have downplayed or are so distrustful of the word Love. Yes, it's true that actions denote movement, and words can sometimes just be words...but, I base these thoughts around the fact that I'm not fearful of the words I love you...or afraid to express it....under the right circumstances, of course.
And...I think it was Sweetest who suggested that " the words will follow when whatever is obscuring them has passed". Well...maybe? But maybe not.....some people are really just too walled up , damaged, and frozen...and may never utter these words.
On the other hand, noticing now that the OP has pressed this issue in several posts...'this' particular situation sounds more like a grudge match. Especially since she now is thinking this is going to be the 'deal breaker'. So, it really smacks more of jockeying for position and control, rather than coming from a place of the heart. Sort of the same as saying "Marry me...or Else!"
Now, it is clear, that his actions really are not that meaningful to you until he says those three little words...god daammmit! I have found that if you browbeat the shIt out of someone until they finally say something....something you 'think' they need to say, and you 'need' to hear. , when the words finally come under those circumstances...they are almost bitter to the taste.
You've gotten a lot of good feedback here OP...so, if it is indeed a dealbreaker, and you are convinced that you are being reasonable about it...then , do what you need to do.
But, after following this post, and your others, for a couple of days now....it really is beginning to sound like you are leaning more toward stubborn and unreasonable, than accepting and reasonable.
regards
Kimbo | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:33:48 AM |
if two are in Love...really in love...those words will not hurt, they will not harm you.
If two are in love - really in love, then saying it without it being said back to you isn't a big deal.
If two are in love, really in love - words can't encompass the feeling or it's meaning.
If two are in real love it wouldn't be a deal breaker when one expresses their love in one manner, while the other expresses it in another.
I will quote if I may: 1st Corinthians 13:4-8
This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience, it looks for a way to be constructive. It is not posessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep track of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it shares the joy of those who live truthfully. Love knows NO LIMIT to it's endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love never fails.
If two people are in real love? Saying it really isn't all that important. Showing and living it? Are.
This is only my opinion.
Namaste | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:43:48 AM | hmmmmmmmmmm
edit edit edit
<a href="http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12731176.aspx">http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12731176.aspx</a>#12731176
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 11:03:09 AM | Thank you gonesailing thats the quote I was wishing i knew where to find :)
I agree totally ive seen couples who are clearly living a life of love together with out having to speak it out loud its just understood between them. In the way he puts the seat up and she puts the seat down.
By the way dont say women crave it as if its some universal need to be reaffirmed constantly reassured of a being needed or valuble . I dont crave it. I know what my worth is. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 11:18:52 AM | Once again, I disagree with GSB; "If two are in love-really in love, then saying it without it being said back to you isn't a big deal."
It is a BIG Deal to a person who wants affirmation. It's also called compatibility and communications.
I'll just take a part of 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 that I think you may have over looked, and I don't mean it as an insult! "On, the contrary, it shares the joy of those who live truthfully". Shares the joy...that's something couples should learn to do, especially if they're truthful! Sharing the joy...that says so much there.
Also; "If two people are in real love? Saying it really isn't all that important. Showing and living it? Are."
Marriages and relationships fail for different reasons. I realize that is only your opinion, and I respect yours, just like I hope you respect mine...which is totally opposite of yours. I just simply could not/would not be able to maintain a relationship where my SO couldn't communicate on the same level...we just would not be compatible.
Yes, words are useless without actions, on the other hand, sometimes actions are harder for some individuals to intepret rather than words. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:04:00 PM | | Let me ask you something; do you have a car? If you do, do you think that every time this man sees you he should tell you that you have a car? If you know a thing to be true why do you need someone to keep telling it to you. If someone doesn't love you but says; "I love you" does that change anything? Do his actions speak louder than the words? If he said he loved you in a different language would it not mean anything to you, because it wasn't English? If he shows you he loves you, why are you so bent on some words? Would you really feel better if he said he loved you, but was having an affair with another woman? People lie with words; very rarely do they lie with their actions. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:22:58 PM | wazhiz,
Oh HOW SAD. can you even imagine someone speaking to you like this. You my friend need to learn some humility!
You absolutely just spoke to this human being like she was dying tomorrow, her life is over and kept repeating her age. Maybe you should think before speaking?
You need to be humbled.
And to the lady that asked the question, You ARE STill YOUNG AND WORTHY, DO NOT LET PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL THAT YOU HAVE FEW TOMORROWS LEFT, ONLY GOD KNOWS THAT. How humble I have become and honored to have gone through what I have with my grandparents. And how now I sit and see my own mortality, struggling with even my own age, YET I know that I have many more tomorrows if God so choices......You deserve whatever it is that you NEED AND WANT! Tell him how you feel, discuss it and tell him you love him. ASK HIM how he feels, then let it settle.
God luck to you Young Girl! | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:09:23 PM | gonesailing[[[If two are in love, really in love - words can't encompass the feeling or it's meaning.]]]
It depends on the person and what their needs are. I don't think it is petty to want words of affirmation.That is my primary love language. I am well aware of Corinthians, and it can be applied to words. Acts of service, such as changing my oil, and putting the seat down on the toilet are not as meaningful to me, as telling me what I want to hear. Leave the seat up, I don't care. But tell me you love me, before you walk out that door. I will be glad to take the car to the mechanic to have my oil changed. Actions without words can definitely leave something to be desired. It all depends how someone is wired. We should find out what our partners needs are and be willing to meet that need. Whatever it is. Or break the deal, if the love languages do not get spoken. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:19:59 PM | wodever[[[[By the way dont say women crave it as if its some universal need to be reaffirmed constantly reassured of a being needed or valuble . I dont crave it. I know what my worth is. ]]]
ok, I wont speak for anyone else, excpet those I know. Most women I know like ot hear things from their mate, and men too for that matter.But telling someone that they are insecure and in silly need of reassurance because they want to hear things from their mate is just as unfair, as it would be for me to tell you that your need for acts of service is a laziness on your part. C'mon, we are 2 different women with different needs. Neither is wrong. Just different. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:29:40 PM | In my far distant past. . . . I was married to a man who seldom said he loved me. And then to one who said it often. The second one ended the marriage with an affair. The first, after nearly forty years is still waiting for me to come back. . . .
In my near distant past, the absolute best relationship I'd had to that point was to an actor, a man or words. . . . Who *seldom* said it -- but I could always see and feel it: his face lit up when I entered a room. Had he not died, not doubt we'd still be a going concern.
In the present, I have one who says it easily and often, and whose face lights up.
Need I say? each man (woman) is different. Only you, dear OPie, can decide if it's enough; if it's happening fast enough. If you find there are soooooooooo many men knocking at your door that he's easily replaced by someone better, kick him to the curb, and go for it. Then hope and pray you find a replacement who's a mirror image of you.
The first thing a poet should understand is that words are *exactly* that: words.
 | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:45:44 PM | | I would say if you love the man then let him say it when he wants to. When he really wants to say it he will. If you make him feel he should feel obliged to say it then you're putting pressure on him. It's not wrong to be honest about what you want from a relationship, but it is wrong to expect someone to go to a level that obviously isn't yet comfortable for them. If it is obvious that he doesn't want to say it, then just keep being happy in the relationship and forget about it. That way eventually he will want to say it. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:50:02 PM | wooby[[[[[The first thing a poet should understand is that words are *exactly* that: words. ]]]]]
Exactly. And words can be very powerful. They can do just as much damage as a physical beating. They can do just as much edification as an act of service, or a touch. What can I say, I'm a hopeless idealist, who wants her cake and will eat it too. lol | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:15:02 PM | Nice work, Charlie Brown (msg 6). OP, have another read of CB's message. Sounds like great advice to me!
As for those who have suggested that at 70 years of age, OP should somehow settle and not make such demands -- wow. At 27 or 70 we are all entitled to seek love. Go ask your Mom! | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:43:40 PM |
put another way, why would you want to toss an otherwise good relationship just because he won't say what you want to hear?
Because she wants to have that added communication. What's so hard to understand about that? If he feels it and says he shows it, then what's so hard about actually saying it?
She has expressed to him that she needs that verbal validation in order to feel comfortable with where the relationship is heading--it's not like she asked him to get married for pete's sake.
OP, if that's a deal breaker for you, then you just move on if he can't say three little words and mean them. Saying them without meaning just won't do, you know that already though. I would advise letting him know exactly how you feel and where you stand and let him take it from there. If you aren't getting out of the relationship the love and happiness you need, then it's obvious you need to move on.
And to CheezWiz or whatever the heck your name is............I cannot believe you would speak to anyone like that. Karma, my friend, karma. I wish you much of it. That's all I'm gonna say. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:04:15 PM | PRINCESS OF MAGIC-
As for those who have suggested that at 70 years of age, OP should somehow settle and not make such demands -- wow. At 27 or 70 we are all entitled to seek love. Go ask your Mom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the boyfriend treats her like gold, doesn't cheat on her, is kind etc, you don't think that means that he loves her?
There are lots of creeps out there, men and women who tell you they love you and then cheat, chase, and whatever else.
Just like the another woman posted, her man was always telling her he loved her, and was cheating on her. The man who never told her he loved her, still wants her back.
At 70 yrs old or however old he is, she's not going to change him.
If he ACTS LIKE HE LOVES HER, it's not settling.
I dated a man who told me, he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. Now that takes the cake. So, he loved me, like some love M&M's. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:26:49 PM | yew4ic
I dont have issue with other women liking to hear that their partner loves them, or that they have done something fantastic.
Im aware of the benifit of praise on a heart.After getting no vocal praise, from either my father or my mother all my life, its not high on my priority list and causes me some suspicion. The thing that they did teach me about in life and love was that a persons actions should speak louder then their words, for example if someone hits you but then says I love you. I dont need acts of service- I require presence in my life. And if someone chooses to do the little things in my life that add up to being a service so be it if not im ready willing and able to look out for myself and would be happy to spend the day cuddling instead of waiting for them to return from the frozen tundra hunting for our meal lol.
I have issue with the word "crave". There is no way on earth that another person should be saddled with satiating someone elses cravings. Those who need to have their own worth fufilled through the words and praise of others need to examine this.
I apoligise if you did not mean "crave" but thats what it means. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:46:15 PM | wodever[[[I apoligise if you did not mean "crave" but thats what it means. ]]]]
I guess I could have chosen a better word other than crave. I think desire might be better. I think there is a difference between desiring something from someone and expecting it. I desire to have words of affirmation, but I expect nothing. My profile has much to say about giving without expectation. I still don't see why words or actions should have to be compromised. Then again, I think the best relationships are those that are not 50- 50 but rather 100-100. It's awesome when both are willing to bust their ass to make it work. And after being married for 13 years, don't anyone tell me it doesn't take work. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:49:11 PM |
Once again, I disagree with GSB; "If two are in love-really in love, then saying it without it being said back to you isn't a big deal."
It is a BIG Deal to a person who wants affirmation. It's also called compatibility and communications.
Excuse me, you may disagree with me if you wish however you missed my point.
My point is: if TWO PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE
perhaps you caught this emphasis this time?
IF TWO PEOPLE ARE REALLY IN LOVE....if two people are really in love it IS called compatibility and no one in the relationship needs to be beating the "I love you's" out of anyone else. Do they? Why not? Because they ARE 2 people who are REALLY in love.
Hello??? Is this thing on?
This person is not seeking affirmation. He GAVE her affirmation. He told her he loves her, he isn't comfortable telling her as much as she requires he say it. He shows her he loves her - he treats her exceptionally well. Listen to what the poster is saying. She has NO DOUBT he loves her - she REQUIRES him to say it.
If you had a woman who DEMANDED you tell her you loved her - before you were ready to - would you do it?
If you were dating a woman for a SHORT period of time after being widowed and she expected you to tell her you love her, just because SHE tells you she loves you - would YOU do it?
In this setting which the OP is discussing it is my opinion and my point on all of my posts - that it is quite possible that 2 people are NOT in love in this scenario.
I guess I was trying to be polite and post only to what has been presented and not formed any assumptions.
I don't know the man at all - but I've been watching this female OP. Have you? If a woman behaved this way toward you or to your son - what would your opinion and advice be?
As I said I do not know this man at all.
But he sounds to me like a silent martyr if after all this nagging he hasn't given it up and just muttered "I love you" to shut her up, my guess is the haranguing has in the past, worked and got some poor guy to say it, and commit to it when SHE was ready and NOT when he is or was.
Or, maybe? He really does NOT love her and doesn't wish to be forced to say he does.
I don't know him.
I don't know what his feelings are.
But I have seen her behavior on the forums, and based on the topic as she has presented it, in 3 different threads today alone - I gave my opinions.
I didn't offer suggestions.
I didn't say "this is how it is" or "how it should be"
So you disagree with me about what? About my opinion?
You're telling me that MY opinion is wrong?
Well, you may not agree with it - but that doesn't make it wrong.
Nor does it make it right.
What it makes it is MY OPINION.
This is MY OPINION.
This is MY APPLICATION of saying "I love you" in this woman's scenario and is limited to that and that alone.
Some participants of this topic keep wanting us to consider their own scenario's and what they feel if this was about them and them being in this situation - well, super - but that's NOT MY ROLE as a forum participant.
I'm not putting you in this situation - I'm not even putting ME in this situation.
I'm guessing about some old dude I don't know at all but can imagine.
He's my Grandpa's age, he's petering around under the hood of his truck, and this elderly chick he's been dating for 8 months is yammering on and on and on about her poodle's painted toenails NOT matching it's bow, and then she pouts at him while chewing a chocolate turtle because she's already told him today that she loves him 10 times (and yes, she's keeping count!) and he still is being damn stubborn and pig-headed by NOT telling her he loves her too. And he still has his clothes of his fat dead wife in her closet which he SHOULD have tossed out months ago when he started dating her....
See? There's where MY OPINION is coming from. Maybe I'm close to being accurate, maybe I'm way off the mark - who knows? Who cares? It's not my life. It's not yours either. This woman brought to all of us (3 times) her emotional upset because she's got a wonderful and loving man who's willing to treat her well, date her, and show her affection and love - and she's NOT happy. In fact? She thinks it's a deal breaker that he won't say the words.
I think that's sad. I'd give my right leg and possibly an arm for a man that would do all of those things because I know it isn't ABOUT what he says - it's about his actions.
So, okay you disagree.
Super.
We aren't in agreement.
But then you're not in my chair, in my head, or in my state.
You're not a woman - dealing with a silent man.
Are you posting your opinion on what to do imagining you're a female? Or imagining you're a male with a female who won't say she loves you?
Because if a woman doesn't say it? She doesn't love you. Point blank. That's a different topic from the one we're posting on here that was created by the OP. She didn't post a "what if" scenario. She posted about HER emotions and HER specific relationship as she explained it to us.
So we'll agree to not agree.
We probably don't agree on the application of the quote either, or it's meaning, or it's origin or anything else.
Is any of that relevent to the topic the original poster made?
If not?
It's not contributing to her topic - it's taking the entire topic off track and onto what you choose for the topic to be - which does not comply with the moderators forum rules.
I'm sorry but I don't feel you can disagree with my response to the OP. She can. But I don't think you can. You can post your own opinion. But it's not my place to tell you that you're wrong. Neither is it your place to tell me, and everyone else, that I am wrong.
Additionally? Who do you think is so undeveloped mentally that they need you to announce that you disagree with me and my post?
And what relevence does it have on the poster and her topic?
Just underscoring that you feel I'm wrong?
When you didn't even understand clearly what I'd posted to begin with - yet you know I'm wrong?
(sigh)
Forewarned – Post to the topic and only the topic
Any Insults will be met with your removal
Anything off topic will be deleted, and if you continue making off topic remarks will see your posting rights reduced | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:50:47 PM | (sorry to all my dog leaped on the keyboard and did a double post.) I don't mean to be contributing off topic of multiple times it truly did occur as stated....
oops. bad dog. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 7:05:56 PM | When you say "I love you" to him...does he ever say "Ditto"???
That should be good enough.
OK...seriously...
What would you rather have.... a man that treats you lovingly but doesnt say the words you want to hear, or one who casts them around like so many pennies, and have them mean just as much as a red cent?
I know what I would prefer.
If this is your only problem, I doubt you will find many to empathize with you hear....let us know when he doesnt pay for your coffee at Starbucks, then you will have something to bltch about!  | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:21:46 PM | Sassyn89178
Right. Three words can be empty and actions speak volumes. But OP seems to me to be saying that something is missing for her in this relationship, something she feels she would have if he would say he loves her. The brilliance I saw in Charlie Brown's post was his suggestion that she talk with him to try to figure out how he feels and how he feels about saying or not saying those words. That perhaps through such a conversation she might get what she is looking for, maybe not in exactly the form she is after, but her need to hear or see or feel his love would be met.
My point is she is entitled to get her needs met, regardless of her age. There are a few posts on this thread that have said unkind things based on OP's age. Low, low blows folks. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:58:12 PM | | Perhaps I haven't grown up yet either? I def would want the words said to me, or back to me, whatever the case, if we were in love with one another, regardless of their actions. I know actions hold more importance, but it hurts when they don't say it back. Bigtime. | |
|
| Relationships
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:11:23 PM | lol I can't think of a better way to push somebody away.
What's the point of him saying "I love you" if you nagged him into it?
When you persist on something like this you start to give it a negative association in his eyes. How's that going to help anything?
On top of all this, is he with you? Is he otherwise what you're looking for, etc? Why get hung up over this now, and especially at only 8 months into a relationship?
Just chill out and let what's going to happen happen. | |
|
Home
login 
