| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:13:18 PM | | It sounds like the sort of thing he'd say to a close friend - if you've ever observed men joking with each other you'll know there is a lot of good-natured banter of this kind between them. It may be that he's so used to this kind of bantering dynamic that it comes out naturally, instead of the more serious/romantic dynamic you expect. It's not crazy that it makes you feel somewhat insecure, but there may be absolutely no malice behind his words: just a false presumption of your confidence. It's good that you communicated your feelings to him directly. Give it time, really get to know him and don't commit yourself until these questions and doubts are sorted out in your own mind. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:09:13 PM | I remember saying something really stupid once and it got my ex so pissed that she almost cried.
A friend of mine saw us together and said in a joking manner "hey its the beauty and the beast" {reffering to me and my ex/ I told him its not nice to call her a beast.
Now realistically I was trying to say she is geourgous and was being sarcastic but often that gets lost on women not out of lack of intelegencia.
I am curious if the guy said he is in so much better shape then you was in fact in much worse shape then you and was merely being sarcastic or ironic.{dont quite know the definition I know rain on your wedding day isnt irony}
If its said on a constant basis to try and piss you off then good riddens to him but otherwise cut him some slack. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:30:58 PM |
Sarcasm is a form of humor that uses sharp, cutting remarks or language intended to mock, wound, or subject to contempt or ridicule. People that use this type of humor do so because it makes them feel more important when they can point out your flaws.
Aaahh-yep.
And for some when they think they are being humorous in a subtle sarcastic way, they are really only being passive-aggressive. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:16:45 AM |
For example, I told him I ate a big mac today. ....
I would like to hear some comments about what people think... WOuld you immediately dump this guy??
Definitely not before having a second Big Mac. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:43:52 AM | No need to dump him yet.
He knows that that kind of stuff offends you now, and he apologized for it. If he keeps doing it though, then there's a problem. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:20:05 PM | CNN1
Sorry to tell you but you're just not going to last with your male friend.
I had the same thing...with me being the snarky, sarcastic lout and she a hyper sensitive Cancer.
A wonderful, physical relationship but, our communication styles and humor just didn't meet.
Sarcasm is done for a lot of reasons. It does take a quick wit to pull most of it off and an audience that appreciates it or can dish it back without letting it get out of hand.
Your man could be hyper sensitive himself or, he could care less and be a straight forward guy with few hang-ups.
I'd put money on the latter.
But, by now, you'll have to figure out if the pros out weight the cons with him. And the way this thread seems to be going, probably not.
Chances are, he's won't...can't change. So, enjoy for as long as possible but, I'd say not to get too serious about things until you're either comfortable with his comments OR he slowly cuts back on them.
I think the telling thing would be how well he does in an actual argument over something more serious. Can he put the cutting comments aside and be mature...or does he increase them into verbal abuse?
My .97 | |
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CNN1
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Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 32 | |
| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:56:16 PM | zardoz451 funny you called you r gf a
hypersensitive cancer...... ? I love when sarcastic people call the people who are the butt of their sarcasm hypersensitive | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:55:23 PM | At your age, you know that the pickings are slim... going forward, even slimmer.
But you won't be if you keep eating like that. That's what I think. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/14/2009 11:01:29 PM |
So I met this man and Im very attracted to him. Hes smart, attentive, affectionate.
He tells me he thinks Im very attractive. He takes me out to dinner, walks by the river, and he is obviously very physically attracted t to me, (loves to kiss, etc).
However, on occasion he makes cutting jokes . For example, I told him I ate a big mac today. Now he watches EVERYTHING he eats and works out daily. He responds to me with" THats why I have an awesome body and you dont!" lol. So I said," hmm well there is another fifty percent of the population that are female if you are not happy with my appearance". So he responds with " Well you have the correct parts"...
WTF was that lol.
I was pretty offended. Now many people might immediately say "JERK"!> But in the context of all of his other positive attention, Im not sure what to do with it
Ok sorry so lon g but to sum up, I called him on it. I called him back and told him what he said rubbed me the wrong way, and that Im telling him because I like him . I said I took offense to that comment . I said it very matter of factly. He apologized and said it was a "bad joke" . He continued to say He thought I had a nice body
and he didnt mean anything "bad" by it. I told him i appreciated the apology.
I would like to hear some comments about what people think... WOuld you immediately dump this guy??
I don't date guys, so I wouldn't be able to tell you whether you should dump him.
You might consider doing what a lot of women here do. Date this guy for as long as possible. When people tell you that you shouldn't, come up with a bunch of reasons why it's still worth it. Then finally get fed up with it. Dump him, and then come back here and tell men who haven't done this to you and would never think about it that they are all a bunch of scum.
For bonus points, tell men who are more considerate that they are losers.
This strategy seems rather popular, and it's guaranteed to get you at least a few instances of "You go, girl!" | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/15/2009 8:39:56 AM | Honestly I don't think it's an issue of "bad behavior" or him being a****or anything like that, but rather of just a compatibility issue. I'd bet you anything that he's talking with his friends right now saying "Man..I really like this girl and we get along but whenever I crack a joke or two she gets really offended. I like her but I just don't think she has the same sense of humor I do."
A lot of people like to take the defensive and make it seem like doing this is in the wrong, but the guy who said a lot of people banter like this all the time and don't get offended when they get the same treatment back is right, this kind of thing is 99% of passing conversation with my friends. I think I'm probably a lot like the guy you know, I'm pretty sarcastic and most of my friends and me are constantly tossing jokes like that back and forth at each other. Some people keep up with it and roll with the punches and think it's hilarious, and some people get offended by that type of behavior. You can't fault either one, it's just a preference for different types of humor.
You've talked to him about it, but honestly I would just cut the relationship down to friends while you still can. He's going to be uncomfortable not being able to be himself around you, and being able to laugh at the same jokes is huge in a relationship. The bottom line is that it's a compatibility issue, not an issue of someone being in the wrong. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:15:06 AM | Hmm, OP. Well, one thing you mentioned in an earlier post, was that usually you will just crack back on him and you give as good as you get. Yet, you go on to say that usually you would prefer the compliments rather than the joking insults or jabs.
I would be confused by your behavior if you usually 'play along' and then suddenly start taking offense. I think I would also be confused by you making a fuss about this comment regarding your figure when you state you are completely fine and happy with your figure. If you are, then why did you take offense to his crack?
I'm not saying you're wrong, only that it would be confusing to me. With that said, once you informed me that you didn't appreciate those kinds of comments, I would want to sit down and have a conversation with you. I would want to know if the 'jokes' have bothered you all along and you just went along with it, or, if they really don't bother you and only that one comment did. Also, I'd want to know if it would be better (for the relationship) if I/we quit making 'jokes' about each other altogether. Then, I would have to assess and decide if our personalities are just too far apart, or if I could do things/act differently for the sake of making you happy without any resentment for feeling like I had to change, act like someone I'm not, etc.
If it's in his nature and he's unwilling to change it, then dump him.
If you think he truly cares about you and your feelings, give him another chance to make good on his apology and gauge it from there. JMO.
~ds~ | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/15/2009 2:41:04 PM |
zardoz451 funny you called you r gf a
hypersensitive cancer...... ? I love when sarcastic people call the people who are the butt of their sarcasm hypersensitive
Anyone who knows anything about basic astrology knows a Cancer weakness is hypersensitivity. She even had little dust catcher things about this in her bedroom. She knew about it herself.
Just like a Sag weakness is obnoxiousness.
The thing was, she was into self-deprecating sarcasm...apparently she could make fun of herself...but didn't like that I would jump in too with off the wall comments.
Sarcasm tends to have to be over the top ridiculous for it to work.
Subtle sarcasm can often not be easily perceived as humor but as 'digs' against the other person.
One of the things that drew her to me was my over the top sarcastic nature.
I didn't just pop it out on her in mid-relationship. Aspects of it are often illustrated in my profiles and communications. Like the one I currently have up. I'm also drawn to those who have a similar disposition.
Look at yourself. You pics present yourself as an attractive person who seems to have no weight issues. Yet, you somehow find his jokes about big mac eating and weight to be hurtful. To me, that suggest hypersensitivity. Go look in the mirror. You're hawt. You know it. Most here know it. Heck, I'd do you with the lights on. ;P
Why are you even here complaining about how a 3rd party is treating you?
Have you yet to learn that everyone is different in their mannerisms, tolerences and dislikes?
The mere fact that you find it necessecary to post a thread about this shows that there's something wrong in your relationship and you're looking for someone to come along and stroke your ego. To pump you up and point out that he's a deplorable swine.
Or...something to that effect.
You're a virgo. One of their weaknesses is a tendency to prissyness.
I'd say that his comments certainly don't cater to that attitude.
But, maybe he does say a lot of sweet things to you when together...histrionic behavior is another virgo weakness. Maybe you're just focusing on the tinsy winsy negatives and over looking the massive positives...cause you're like over the hill, aging and in some form of midlife crisis and demanding across the board perfection.
Yeah...dump him, then drive to my city cause you're hawt and I'm lonely here.
See?
You can get a man easily!
What need you of that stud muffin you're currently seeing?
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 1:40:02 AM | That sounds like more of an insult than a joke.
however that was only his opinion (and i'm sure your full of opinions yourself) -and why do you care? get over it -stop being so pissy, just insult him back (maybe something about all that watching what he eats and working out isn't going to do anything for his small dick)
If you get insulted everytime he opens his mouth -i can't see this relationship lasting very long | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:03:40 AM | This sounds more like a case of humor/personality incompatibility to me rather than a direct assault on your self-confidence. There are numerous kinds of relationships and friendships, some of which include:
a) positive/cheery/ego-boosting 24/7, i.e. nary a constructive criticism will ever be uttered
b) people that fight constantly, yet never seem to break apart until they finally kill each other
c) people that like to take playful jabs at each other, laugh, and continue about their merry lives but remind the person that they do care and just joke about.
d) people that are dominating (or dominated by) their partner in an attempt to get the other to stick around due to lowered self-esteem
Your gentleman sounds like type C, however you seem to think he's type D.
Yet by your OWN ADMISSION you state that he:
He tells me he thinks I'm very attractive.
[...] he is obviously very physically attracted t to me, (loves to kiss, etc)
He's smart, attentive, affectionate.
So in a veritable garden of compliments and positive affirmations, you have chosen to get stuck on one thorn. Just goes to show how much negative thinking sticks with us and how easily positive things are discarded/overlooked. 
The one thing you did do right was to voice your discontent (however illogical it may be in my opinion). That communication is essential or he doesn't truly know what insecurities may be building up under the surface.
Case in point, my girlfriend and I joke at each other constantly, with her often threatening to dump me if I so much as gain a pound. Meanwhile she knows I work out 4-5 days a week and am in excellent shape, but we still joke about being fat whenever we have an ice cream/cheesecake night, or ate too much dinner.
I tell her she's beautiful and that I care about her often, 10x more often than the jokes, and she does the same. If we were so sensitive that we focused on the one "bad" comment that came in between every 10 good ones, we wouldn't be a match and would have broken up already...   | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:37:00 AM | | Hide a Big Mac under the drivers seat of his car until it spoils and starts to stink. When he discovers it, tell him "it was a joke". | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:40:05 AM | Sarcasm is spice of life but obviously is not for everyone.
I for one dont really find it offensive and would not take it to myself, but if i was having one of those bad days and his jerking joke just happen to upset me more, i will just tell him right out. Since he apologise then i see no problem.
But again since I'm a fan of sarcasm, give me anyday and i return the same favor! | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:23:45 PM | OP- Your profile says you are 43 - so I am assuming he is close to you in age. Anything past mid-20s and it is unacceptable... and even in a person's 20s I find that rude and they would be called on it. I have zero tolerance for that kind of crap. He knows better, and is showing no respect for you by making that kind of remark even once.
As golfgirl said, cuting sarcasm and nasty comments such as that are huge signs of insecurity. The person making these remarks is trying to make themself feel better by cutting you down "to his level"... according to their damaged self-esteem. They don't think highly of themselves.... so how can they respect you if they don't respect themselves? People like this often initially seem like well-adjusted individuals, and they often don't even see it in themselves... they think they are "just fine, thank you very much." The insecurities take a long time to show themselves, unless you know what to look for... and this is one huge red flag, in my estimation. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:37:43 PM | ^^
As golfgirl said, cuting sarcasm and nasty comments such as that are huge signs of insecurity. The person making these remarks is trying to make themself feel better by cutting you down "to his level"... according to their damaged self-esteem. They don't think highly of themselves.... so how can they respect you if they don't respect themselves? People like this often initially seem like well-adjusted individuals, and they often don't even see it in themselves... they think they are "just fine, thank you very much." The insecurities take a long time to show themselves, unless you know what to look for... and this is one huge red flag, in my estimation.
So what you are saying, is that the OP and her BF both have self esteem and insecurity issues? You know, since they both make jokes about and crack on each other? Or, do those things only manifest in males and when they manifest in females, they're a 'sign' of some other disorder?
~ds~ | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:51:17 PM | I think everyone makes the occasional mistake in what they say to others but if he has a pattern of insensitivity, I wouldn't continue seeing him, if I were you!
Judith | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:27:41 PM |
So what you are saying, is that the OP and her BF both have self esteem and insecurity issues? You know, since they both make jokes about and crack on each other? Or, do those things only manifest in males and when they manifest in females, they're a 'sign' of some other disorder?
I don't recall using a gender in my post... let me check on that... nope, "person" and "they" and "their" are pretty androgenous terms... definitely nothing gender specific in there. I know many women who are like that too... it is not something only men do. | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:54:52 PM |
I don't recall using a gender in my post... let me check on that... nope, "person" and "they" and "their" are pretty androgenous terms... definitely nothing gender specific in there. I know many women who are like that too... it is not something only men do.
So then, you are saying the OP is equally insecure and a quart low on self esteem as her BF?
~ds~ | |
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| Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes
Posted: 7/16/2009 9:15:16 PM | OP,
Some people are socially inept/ makes common verbal blunders, or they are a bit
sarcastic. My guide on this is:
*Do they exhibit the same type of behavior with everyone? Or just with me?
*Do they even 'get' what they are saying? aka, is he socially inept?
If he can take as well as he can dish it out, at least that's a bit more balanced.
I would just gauge his future behavior, with the awareness that he has had this pointed
out to him. | |
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