| | Emotionally Unavailable = ScaredPage 2 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | Oh geez.
emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less
Emotionally unavailable = not open TO YOU
Occam's razor. Which is more likely? They just don't like you that much, or they have some deep dark emotional psychological problem? Yeah, it's probably you. It's ok though. Everyone loses a lot. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:21:27 PM | | OP you have only been on here a month. Do you really expect someone that you really cherish over night? And if you are this frustrated, are you coming off as desperate on your dates? Perhaps you need a break from dating and do things with friends and family. Just email guys. If they are really interested, they will email until you are ready to date. Get to know the guy before you go out with him is the biggest suggestion I tell anyone. I don't think the speed dating style works. If a guy says he has a date with someone else, I would let them know to contact me when they figured out if that other person was the one. That is me, I only dated one man at a time and didn't feel like going out with a man that I felt I had to compete with an unknown. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:40:14 PM | Yes i have some comments. I to believe that many people are emotionally unavailable. I was when i met my special someone on this site. I don't think this should deter you though. People are unavailable for reasons and when those reasons no longer exist their hearts do open up. It often takes the right person to open up such a heart and you could be that person for someone.
There is much to be said for someone who is guarded. Perhaps a level of sensitivity that is important for relating. You could find people who appear to be emotionally available but you may find that it is a fraud any how. Anyone can learn the lingo and present anything but the relationship will only go so far and intimacy will be capped by their inability to relate any deeper.
Being in a position to give puts you at both an advantage and a disadvantage. First it may scare people off because you have the need to give and for the positive if it is coupled with compassion and understanding you will find a gem in the rough.
People are not investments but real live hearts that are fragile and suffering. Truly getting to know someone instead of looking at the guardedness would be a first step in relating instead of trying to find a relationship.
Just my thoughts. | |
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yew4ic
| | Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 29 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:51:59 PM | Beershark[[[[I am emotionally unavailable, by choice and after some amount of thought. I recognize that about myself and it is stated in my profile.
I lived most of my life being TOO selfless, to the point it has caused me great pain and misery. I'm over all that now but why would I want to open the door to it again. I can be a great friend to anyone, but the next "Love of My Life" is going to have to show me the deserve all of the above.]]]]
If this isn't the mindset of a victim, I don't know what is. The above is a classic example of not taking responsibility for yourself Beershark. I also have a long history of coming up empty handed, when I reach out to otheres...but now I am finally coming to terms with accountability, and it is a ****, but it's also very helpful, for future relationships. YOU are choosing women who do not love you back. They don't choose you. You are drawn to them, and there is areason why. Find out what that reason is. Dr. Phil would tell you selfish women are not your problem. YOU are your problem. Same goes for me, when I continue to get into relationships, with egotistical, self centered men. I am responsible for the choice to let them into my life.I am responsible for the consequences I end up suffering. No more crying in the corner over how mean to me they are. I have to cry about my own stubborness. | |
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yew4ic
| | Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 30 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:01:45 PM | cmdr[[Occam's razor. Which is more likely? They just don't like you that much, or they have some deep dark emotional psychological problem? Yeah, it's probably you. It's ok though. Everyone loses a lot.]]
It can be either/or. Sometimes it is a simple matter of accepting that we have been rejected. Sometimes it is a person who doesn't have the capacity to love at all. I dated someone who told me that love is too strong a drug for him. We remained friends, so I believe he is telling the truth. I have seen him destroy a marriage, and then one relationship after another, as soon as it started getting serious. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:15:04 PM | Eschec - even though this profile is only a month old I have been on POF for a while . Was on here for about a year last year with another screen. Came back for more punishment I guess.
So far I have caught no fish - got some interest, some dates but no one willing to go deeper... all shallow round here. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:15:23 PM | I don't disagree with your statement C Sweetness.
Fear and Love don't operate well within the same arena.
Every path, every wish, every desire leads back to a thorough and fearless examination of the Self.
I have met those who 'think ' they are ready for relationship, and are clearly not.
And, I too have thought at times I was ready for relationship, when I was clearly not.
This is the perfect time to step back for a bit and examine and understand your own true self, your desires, your motives. When one gets a clearer picture of where they want to end up, the path to there doesn't seem nearly as difficult.
It's good to take this time...in the long run, it improves your skills at saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and also prevents a lot of collateral damage along the way.
Kimbo | |
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yew4ic
| | Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 34 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:19:07 PM | BigDaddy,
I couldn't copy or paste anything from your post, for some reason. Technical issue of some kind. But you sound angry and disgusted. Everything on the list describing the emotionally unavailable person, was met with your counter description. It sounds like a grade school argument along the lines of "She started it...No he did" and back and forth.
The truth is, there are people who don't love others, or know how to show it on any level at all. I think the question is...why can some people spot this right off the bat, and not get involved, while others (guilty here) become the ones who hit our heads against the wall, trying to please this type of icebox? | |
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Posted: 7/14/2009 1:25:56 PM |
Any comments?
I think it's perfectly reasonable and sensible to be "scared" of someone who thinks they have the low-down on people they barely know.
Maybe you can shame or name-call some into having a "real relationship", but why would you want to? | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:32:43 PM | Thats the point of dating? Not so much a flip of a switch to open up, but slowly reach out and see if you both are in the same space, sex, romance and other forms of intimacy when you are both ready[1]. You just have to be able to be open and trusting, and hope to hell you are not in the hands of a user. Experience is knowing when to bail and having the guts to do so, not linger. I see some people expressing their pain here, great for empathy and support (attacks also!) but of course really bad dating material no?
-G.
[1] Yes, I really am that naive.  | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:42:49 PM | BigDaddy,
I couldn't copy or paste anything from your post, for some reason. Technical issue of some kind. But you sound angry and disgusted. Everything on the list describing the emotionally unavailable person, was met with your counter description. It sounds like a grade school argument along the lines of "She started it...No he did" and back and forth.
The truth is, there are people who don't love others, or know how to show it on any level at all. I think the question is...why can some people spot this right off the bat, and not get involved, while others (guilty here) become the ones who hit our heads against the wall, trying to please this type of icebox?
Call it what you will...some people are just not as naive as the rest of the planet. Some of us choose to live our lives without burying our heads in the sand, and we call 'em as we see 'em.
I choose not to live in a vacuum. | |
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Posted: 7/14/2009 1:48:28 PM | In response to one of the other posters: I have examined myself and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am fully ready, capable and willing to have a full-fledged relationship with someone - even marriage. I AM NOT SCARED like so many others out here. It's not me. That fact is (just like so many have admitted in this thread) there are many people on dating sites and in the world period who are NOT ready, scared to death and althought they portray like they got it on the ball - they are not able or willing to open up to anyone. A lot of people are just "damaged goods" - plain & simple! Its a shame that "mentally healthy" people like myself, fully ready and able to have a healthy relationship are not able to find others like us.
oh and BTW- I was married 20 freaking years to one guy. So I know what it takes to maintain a long term, committed relationship. I am fully familiar with all the ups and downs - good and bad of it. And even with all the hurt that I endured I remain open to give my love to another "deserving" person. Yes, I am willing to go there - not scared. I was hurt before but the "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow is worth it all to me. Nothing like being totally in love and having another totally love you back! That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. Sometimes I feel like I am from another planet!!! Why dont people want that!!!!!!! | |
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Posted: 7/14/2009 1:51:34 PM | Well, I'll put my hand up as being unavailable/cautious/ careful etc
Have bounded out of a dreadful marriage a decade ago, I have been amazed at the myriads of daft, stick in the mud, misanthropic, misogynistic, racist, cruel, careful, narcissistic , temperamental etc etc people I have run up against.
Not just chaps- I 've had women friends make moves on men I was seeing or dump me when we were on a night out when some chap caught their eye. Its not to say that these people don't have other qualities - they do and can be charming and delightful company... but my rule is to proceed with caution ... to weigh up the qualities and accept or reject.
I'm done with heartache... it's painful and debilitating and for no benefit. And if i am judged as emotionally unavailable etc, well so be it!! | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:54:36 PM | Ummm ... I don't think people are scared, I just think most don't give a shiit anymore.
Why bother, there are reasons upon reasons for people to not get involved in a relationship ...
The dog
The kid
The money or lack of
The X's
The Fat ones
The Skinny ones
The crazies
The addicted
The old hurt
The ones who are so perfect no one can be good enough for them
The no replies
The grass needs cut
And I am busy washing my hair | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:06:05 PM | i think we are talking epidemic here: people with thwarted emotional growth. any kind of early drug or alcohol addiction can create it, or better yet a society that promotes self-gratification before serving others. selfish immature me me me people. our country is loaded with them. boring.........
i say its epidemic because these emotional cripples like to think they are capable of being in a relationship. but in actuality they just show up physically and to varing degrees emotionally.
how many frogs do you need to kiss? | |
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Posted: 7/14/2009 2:06:43 PM | I have it heard it said that PoF is full of the "Walking Wounded." I think that for a lot of people that is true. There is something insulating about this kind of cummunication.
I think that's why many of the people feel safer here.
Unfortunately, the very nature of the "plenty of fish" scenario is that it is all too easy to flit from one to another looking for that elusive "maybe the next one will be more perfect, what would i be missing if I stopped looking and settled for what I've got?
Becoming emotionally available is not just scary, but risky for someone still hurting from a devestating loss. I know this will sound like psyco-babble, and i used to think that too, but a divorce can be like a death. and people sometimes need to mourn it, too.
I have a friend who is so devestated by his divorce and so scared to trust again that I worry he will lose out on finding someone who will truely love him and value him as he deserves.
 
. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:21:57 PM |
Unfortunately, the very nature of the "plenty of fish" scenario is that it is all too easy to flit from one to another looking for that elusive "maybe the next one will be more perfect
Well, that's easy to say, and it may be true, but no matter how you slice it or dice it..that's the age we're in now. I can honestly say, that the last four couples I know...met through the Internet....whether on this site...or other networking sites similar to it.
More choices may be part of the so called 'problem', if indeed it even is a problem.
but the fact remains that emotionally unavailable means emotionally unavailable...whether you meet two people....or two hundred people.
Again, it all goes back to self....to attract the right person...you must be the right person.
Desea atraer a la persona adecuada? Ser la persona adecuada.
regards
Kimbo | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:36:03 PM |
It ain't FEAR at all. It's called "awareness". BIG difference.
BDJ...It depends on who's looking through those lenses, do they already have fear? If so are they basing their awareness through fearful eyes? | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:58:57 PM | Caramel: Your experience is your best bs detector. As you have stated, you had a long marriage, have examined yourself and you're ready. That's more than most people do. People here are really judgmental and say things that they would never ever say in person. The anonymity makes it safe. So they can claim anything they like even their availability. Some people don't know they aren't emotionally available- but you know. If that's your feeling, then just walk away. Their loss, not yours.
You have the right to put what you're looking for front and centre without apology. If a man doesn't like it, then find somebody who does. At this stage of life, we are who we are and we aren't going to fundamentally change. You are fine just the way you are- now just find a man who treasures and values that. You know yourself better than anybody else and you don't need to explain yourself. You have friends who appreciate you. So write off the emotionally unavailable. There is a lot of immaturity here- lots of frozen emotional development. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:13:34 PM | | How true. So many people too have been abused emotionally and physically early in their lives and these experiences force them to cope as best they can. Until they recognize and try to figure out where it all went wrong, they carry those emotional burdens with them for the rest of their lives. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:15:23 PM |
i say its epidemic because these emotional cripples like to think they are capable of being in a relationship. but in actuality they just show up physically and to varing degrees emotionally.
I wish it weren't true, but there are examples of this everywhere.
I also agree that you mustn't think that everyone who doesn't (for whatever reason) choose to be in a relationship with you has got these issues. It could be for other (legitimate) reasons that they might not think that you're a good fit for each other, and make the decision to not get emotionally engaged.
I've been both, on the giving and receiving end of that one... | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 3:44:47 PM | Some men are afraid of what they percieve to be high maintenance in these hard economic times.
I would take out that pic of my shoes and perfect toenails.
The comment under profession is very questionable.
If this were a mans profile and I saw something similar I would run. | |
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x_file
| | Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 50 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:00:45 PM |
I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less!
Some people's fear is baseless - there are no good reasons for it. Some people's fear is grounded - they have very good reasons to fear what they fear. The current social/political structure favors women and as a result men often get the short end of the stick - just ask any man who has been chewed by the system.
But it's also possible that you are making up an excuse for yourself. Maybe those men aren't scared, but simple don't find you attractive, or a match.
I know I have sooo much love, attention, generosity to give to someone but the guys I've dealt with are too freaking scared to even get involved. Any comments?
Perhaps they are scared because you are scary. This is, they know their game won't work on you. Or, they sense you have issues. | |
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