| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:09:05 PM | | Could be a myriad of reasons, that is why we date different people, and some click and some don't. I have been told that I am scary since I know what I want and do not put up with much crap from a man, and also told that I was awesome since I know what I want and do not put up with much crap from a man. Everyone has a different idea of what is attractive about another person and they might not think the other person's issues might mesh with their own. (as no one is perfect) | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:10:09 PM | Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject...
I'm a so-called "emotionally unavailable" person, because I'm not interested in a tradional, committed relationship. But it really has very little to do with rejecting:
having to love (It's not rejecting; it's simply not seeking it, not expecting it, and not wishing to give anyone false hope.)
having to communicate (I communicate fine; I enjoy communicating.)
having to be emotionally available (Again, it's not rejecting; it's simply not happening.)
having to care (I care.)
having to empathize (I can empathize.)
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own (I enjoy fulfilling some other people's needs.)
having to be trusted (I can be trusted.)
having to be relied upon (I can be relied upon.)
having to be respectful (That's rich; some of the most disrespectful people are ALL ABOUT being in emotional relationships. For my part, I'm only happy when I'm respectful.)
having to recognize boundaries (Hmmm? I don't get this one. That doesn't seem to particularly relate to emotional relationships; that's just having common sense in any kind of relationship.)
having to be committed (It's not a matter of "rejecting" this; for me this is something that happens from within and notice in retrospect, not some words I'll simply spout to be on the bandwagon.)
having to be expected or needed (Both are fine; you don't need to be in love to be expected or needed.)
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths (Another amusing one. We emotionally unavailables can do that as well, and in some cases better, than our counterparts.)
having to make an effort (Making an effort is not a big deal.)
and having to think (How insulting and ridiculous.) | |
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*Aris*
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Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 54 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:15:08 PM | Well I read this book called "emotions revealed", it had to do with recognizing micro facial expressions, subtle flashes of emotions conveyed by eyebrows, lips, eyelids, etc. I think the book probably boosted my emotional intelligence for sure. One of the key emphasis was first recognizing a persons emotions and then handling them with care.
For example, you can recognize that a person is scared and the way to respond is acknowledging that you don't really know why and so you ask. The author kept emphasizing that you remain respectful by not presuming to know why they feel the way they do, even when perhaps you have a strong inclination - even if you turn out to be right, is that whats most important?
The idea is recognizing the physical emotional display, and diplomatically getting them to voice their emotions until their emotional display matches their verbal response. The author even talked about unconscious emotional displays, when the persons facial reactions mismatches their verbal response. I remember seeing my friend having a hard time after a girl broke up with him, and really I told him "you don't seem heartbroken, you seem depressed" - turns out he got the help he needed.
So caramelsweetness, here's a challenge for ya, the next guy your interested in get him to reveal that he's scared, or any other emotional vibe you pick up on. I mean clearly being able to tell how a guy feels all your own hasn't gotten you anywhere or so I think.
p.s. the author addressed liars and kept the same standard - even if you can spot a liar, there is a reason behind the lie. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:19:35 PM | Ginny[[[[Becoming emotionally available is not just scary, but risky for someone still hurting from a devestating loss. I know this will sound like psyco-babble, and i used to think that too, but a divorce can be like a death. and people sometimes need to mourn it, too.]]]]
Both death and divorce are excruciating and need time to heal. I know all too well, the importance of being aware, but I refuse to get scared. Death of my spouse is the reason I was forced into being single, and since I never chose to be here, I can't even begin to tell you how vulnerable I feel. And I am seeing that the singles scene has not changed since I was out of the loop. It's crazier than ever! lol | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:32:22 PM |
BDJ...It depends on who's looking through those lenses, do they already have fear?
Show me one person who doesn't have fears, and I'll be the one asking the directions to that particular cemetery they reside in currently...
If so are they basing their awareness through fearful eyes?
As much as you like to play these games where you try to jam your words or thoughts into someone else's replies, I'm afraid I won't be playing that game of semantics with you today. Not interested.
I said awareness and fear have substantial differences. Leave it at that. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:59:56 PM | I have often said that people that are emotionally detached go from relationship to relationship because they can't find anything in the relationships that they are in to fulfill them. They are constantly looking for a new high, that good feeling that you feel beginning a relationship. Problems come and they don't know how to deal with them because they are never in anything long enough to be able to know how to handle what comes their way.
@BigDaddy:
Me, me, me!!! I want a hug, too! | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:21:09 PM | Let's all hug the hell out of one another, then go back and read what daynadaze said in mesg #26, because that's pretty much the long and the sort of it.
And maybe a deeply meaningful relationship/life partnership ain't IN your cards,anyway. Just try to the be the best person you can be and live your life. I won't say that a relationship CAN'T be forced to happen, or that someone can't talk themselves into being with someone because they are "scared" of being an individual being rather than half a couple...even if the couplehood mostly ain't anything to write home about.
Are there people who are pathologically scared of serious romantic realtionships? Of course there are. But it's not your job, or my job, to write essays and give lectures about it. These poor benighted folks will either heal in their own way, in their own time, or they won't.
And with the times being what they are, with the 'net and the simple fact of greater mobility for people to go someplace they aren't known(for reasons good OR bad), only a fool jumps in to an involvement with someone they barely know from a bag of sand.
Relax. Lighten up. Enjoy the perks of being unattached and don't get so hung up on "gotta be in a relationshp." The only things anybody's GOTTA do, is die and pay taxes.
Cindy O | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:30:28 PM |
I think a lot of people on this site actually "think" they are looking for a "long term relationship" -
I try very hard to only think for myself, and not think about what all the POF Internet people think - because I think some of them? Don't think at all. And I wouldn't be very comfortable with someone telling me what I think - who doesn't even know me - let alone can they somehow "know" what I think.
that very special person to be with,
This would be lovely.
but in actuality if they met and dated that person they would think it was too good to be true.
Speaking only for myself - I hold out hope for answers to pleas and prayers, I also am optimistic and I would feel blessed were I to have a companion.
I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less!
Ok - well, that's what you think. I don't know that I agree with that conclusion. These people sound like basket cases, and I find that for the most part the POF crowd? Is made up of some pretty stable, and pulled together folks.
I'm not certain where you've been dangling your hook on the POF pond but I think you're only finding the carp. Fish deep and long!
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 7:47:56 PM | | For a lot of people it's just defensive dating, with good reason. You may be healthy, open and able to enjoy a relationship - however you can bump into a lot of people who aren't fit to be dating at all, thus the need to be cautious about who you come in contact with. After dealing with a few that aren't stable - it's natural to take more time and keep people at an arm's length longer until you know their deal. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:00:25 PM | I suppose some are scared but I think people mostly behave in ways that gets them what they really want, no matter what they say they want. To keep people at arm's lenght usually means they really don't want you to be any closer, not out of fear, but out of preference. If the right person came along, they'd be happy to let them in, but they aren't going to bring someone in just to not be alone. The more I think about this, the more I think it's people who always have someone or try to make lots of someones their partners, are much more scared that the emotionally unavailable as you call them. I think a lot of people pad their own egos by thinking someone is just emotionally crippled instead of seeing the reality that they've been rejected.
WORD. To that entire post. 
I know that this holds true FOR me (the times when I'm creating or maintaining the emotional distance). Logic only follows that it would be equally true ABOUT me (the times when I'm the one kept at a distance).
It's tempting to blame being rejected on the alleged flaws of the person doing the rejecting. But really, what purpose does playing the blame game serve*... other than a convenient excuse to avoid reflecting on our own behaviour and needs, that is?
A little humility goes a long way in dealing with our egos. Rejection is easier to work through when it's taken at face value - accepting that, for whatever reasons, there's simply not a match... and moving on.
* Recognizing of course, that sometimes an asshole IS just an asshole. And in those cases, we should welcome that particular rejection as thankfully having dodged a bullet. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:10:54 PM | vew4ic,
You don't know me, so who are you to judge me? I refuse to be a victim any more. My post was in response to another poster. I used their post and added all the "OR"s to offer alternative motives. just so you know, That's 2 woman in the last 24 years. Both relationships, the earlier one being married, lasting over 10 years. I'm not talking about a string have poorly choosen relationships. My ex just wanted a house and children. Once she had those she had no need for me. the latter relationship fizzled when the lady decided she no longer had time for a relationship. That's 24 years wasted on just 2 women. The next 24 are mine.
If you check my posting history you will see that I'm real big on personal responsability, and I practice what I preach. I'm in controll and no one else. I am no victim and how dare you assume I am. So you think you know something because you watch Dr. Phil? BFD! I watch Emril, that don't make me a chef.
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:16:26 PM | OP - I can honestly say that I used to be one of these "emotionally unavailable" people. There was a time when if things got too involved or too close or the L word came out, I was hitting the door running! I can't speak for everyone.. I can only tell you how it was for me. Yes.. I was scared. I figured if I let them in too close, opened up to them, I was then vulnerable and if I was vulnerable, I was in a position to get hurt. So I kept everyone at an arm's length and outside of my personal space. I sought out bad relationships to "prove" to myself that relationships weren't worth it. I was my own saboteur. It took some time and yes, counseling, to realize what the problem was and the problem was within myself.
I had to learn to trust and to take risks and take a look at why my picker seemed broke. I learned a lot....and after looking back and seeing the big picture for what it was, I was able to walk away and choose a different path.
I'm not that person anymore, thank goodness and much happier for it. Perhaps this provides a little insight on why some may be "emotionally unavailable". | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:27:54 PM | I think sometimes people get love twisted.
Love is striving to meet another persons needs. Love is a connection.
Internal emotions are not love. It's just emotions. Feeling strong emotions and attraction don't mean anything until those emotions can be conveyed in a way that the OTHER person can appreciate.
When both people can actually enjoy giving and receiving these expressions of emotions this is call compatibility or connection.
So sometimes it's possible to overwelm someone with emotions by expressing them ways they CANNOT appreciate.
Sometimes people aren't emotionally unavailable. Sometimes people are being force fed stuff they don't need or want.
We have to constantly try to meet people where THEY are, and try not to force them to be where we are.
Peace. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:28:14 PM |
I think a lot of people on this site actually "think" they are looking for a "long term relationship" - that very special person to be with, but in actuality if they met and dated that person they would think it was too good to be true. I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less! OP...I think that is a big part of why it doesn't connect. Fear.
Connection...vibes...chemistry...whatever word that you choose to call it only happens when you are open to that person. Your fears (brick wall) has fallen enough and it lets those rays in. Connection.
The funny thing about "connection" and those "rays"...it mostly happens by serendipity, when you are least expecting it. How many times have you heard "Quit looking! It will come to you when you least expect it to."
Why? Your guard is down.
I learned over the years and much dating to turn connection on and off. That's how I learned about mutual attraction and how that works. Then I discovered how love comes into the equation. I think I turned it into a science experiment there for awhile to "get it". (I know..I know...beat me with a spoon..).
Get in touch with yourself, be aware of your fears, conquer them and then get back on the horse. Go out on dates with decent men/women and mentally play with that brick wall. Open yourself. Beam/smile....open..open...have fun! Who says you are going to marry that person, for God's sake. You don't know. Just live for the moment. Just no sex, please...it complicates things.
You will see a suble change in the person you are out with. A response.
Of Note!! What you THINK you may want in a lover or partner may NOT be who you finally will love and end up with. Nature and Love is not that predictable.
My man told me that he fell for me because I was watching him curiously at a ball game thinking that he didn't know I was. One of his buddies was texting him about this woman who was staring at his ass. Then he quickly turned and stared right at me back! I was busted! So...I just grinned at him and thought.."OK, mister..let's play cat and mouse, then." I had fun and was open. It worked.
BTW...just have fun when you first get to know each other. No emotional stuff in the first couple/three dates....and space them apart. Get a chance to breathe and take stock of this person. Get to miss them a bit..and they miss you, too, a bit.
Good Luck...
Edit: Post below me. Yes! That is the other reason for emotionally unavailable. Lack of interest/attraction in that person. That is a given. Fear ot no fear. It's not going to catch on fire. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:30:58 PM | There are just alot of A$$holes in this world, and more crap spews out of their mouth then the one between their cheeks! But that's just my observation  | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:36:00 PM | I think it boils down to meds. So many people are on meds these days. Uppers, downers, anti-depressants, alcohol.....its no wonder people aren't in touch with their emotions.
Sex is just that, satisfying an urge. But love and respect and working on a relationship and commitment to another person takes work.
We have become a McDonald's culture, drive thru, pick from a menu, super size it or keep it petite, pay for it one way or another, and eat it, then wear it on your hips for months or even years.
Fright. Yes, you should be afraid......be very afraid. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 12:41:22 AM | Cheeky is on to something.
The answers are almost always one sentence and to the point.
Sometimes people just overthink about such simple things.
"Keep it simple stupid" is my favorite saying when I read pages of ranting on and on when a nice simple statement says it so well.
Funny we become available when we think it is Mr./Ms Wonderful | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 1:32:27 AM | Landra and Beershark have pretty much said it all and it would behoove you to read their comments again and again and think about it seriously. I might add that a long term relationship isn't one until a long time has passed and there are a lot of steps that go into making it successful. Please don't expect too much too soon....be suspicious of anything that goes too fast. There really are "plenty of fish", so why would anyone jump into a net when the sea is teeming with schools. Sure, they want to settle down, sometime, but not when there is so much pasture to cruise (and don't be the cow who gives the milk away too freely).
Scared? Yes, commitment IS a scary thing and most commitments aren't kept for very long anymore.
Be particular. You are attractive and have all the time in the world. ENJOY YOURSELF and SLOW DOWN|. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 1:48:42 AM | sorry new here not directed at one person but the whole.
yeah its weird see i don't mind if i am not mister right or mister right now but my personal issue is that the women here don't even respond when i email them.
I feel like i am on a shelf and when i want to talk i am ignored how are they supposed to know me if we don't talk? | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:42:29 AM | | Just because someone doesn't want a LTR doesn't mean it's because they're scared. Some people prefer to be alone(like myself), but some haven't realised it yet, because "society" or the "norm" tells them that looking for a LTR is the way to go. | |
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