| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 6:55:30 AM | That baggage reclaim site is a great resource to people that end up on the wrong side in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. I found it very useful last year and highly recommend it.
While Cheeky has a point that those who are EU may simply be uninterested, my own experiences have shown me the opposite---sometimes it is purely a defensive action... men pulling away and creating distance in order to protect themselves...sometimes it's willful manipulation or some variation of it. One man I dated for a while last year who was this way, also listed long term on his profile. I have no doubt as to his honesty in wanting that---it just wasn't achievable for him. His emotional unavailability was the unwitting architect of the demise of our relationship.
Emotional unavailability (EU) is a deal-breaker for me. I can handle a lot of other things in a fledgling relationship, but since what I'm looking for is a a growing and sustainable intimate connection on every level---a long term partner for me needs to be able to continually risk at least as much as I on that front. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:32:44 AM | I didn't take the time to read all the post just yours so maybe you've answered my question.
the guys I've dealt with are too freaking scared to even get involved Do you know this for a fact or are you assuming it? If your assuming the possibility is there they were only around until they were tired of fcuking you or discovered they weren't going to get fcuked. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:55:30 AM | Well I am here to tell you that some men aren't scared at all ... quiet the oppisite. I know for a fact that one guy in particular on this site is anything but scared.
He lied about who he is ... for example he says he is a social drinker (FACT) Hard core alcoholic. He smokes a lot. He says he spends most of his time on a computer not with his son ... well not unless his son changed his name to Hewlett Packard Pavillion. On the computer he looks for woman after woman, after he gets back from meeting one of you ... he hops on to find the next target. Then theres the countless porn sites. Go up stairs son ... That's quality time isnt it!!! He will tell you ALL the same things. He keeps ALL your messages to keep the lies going smoothly. He is a charming snake, he will tell you everything you ever wanted to hear. He is very good at telling you your beautiful but as long as you have a vagina and tits ... thats all he cares about. Be very cautious ladies these men arent scared ... they are animals! | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 1:29:44 PM | If one is emotionally unavailable, then one should be aware of it and avoid those looking desperately for a long term relationship.
It boils down to a matter of honesty with oneself, I guess. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2009 1:49:30 PM | Men become emotionally unavailable when the woman thinks that there is a possibility for something serious to develop and the man does not have the heart to be honest with her. It is about understanding that you are both want the same things in the relationship.  | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 8:52:38 AM | Hi
There is a reason for fears it is often as a result of pains of the past.
How many people are able to heal and nurture pains to be completely trusting once more?
Often people will suffer from childhood truama and not ackoweldge that they live in fear.
Some people can become obsessive about relationships.
For me a healthy relationship is absed up on both people growing as individuals and fulfiling their own needs.
Yet both work together fulfiling their emotional needs as husband wife and as friends.
We were all born with the spiritual values of being completely fearless honest trusting and loving unconditonally.
Due to child hood expereinces and not being able to process pain any more we learn to live in fears.
Yet many people will not ackowledge those fears.
I am fine they will tell you?
Before I could find out how to love once more I needed to be able to be free of all fears once more.
In learning to respect myself I woudl be able to respect all other peoplein time.
Love
Dave. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable DOES NOT = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 9:24:05 AM | I know I have sooo much love, attention, generosity to give to someone but the guys I've dealt with are too freaking scared to even get involved.
there's a difference between "scared" and being truly "emotionally unavailable". people who are afraid actually have the capacity to recognize and discuss their fears in a fairly reasonable fashion and are usually willing to do so, often without even being prompted. people who are afraid will, after a time, either get over their fear or at least be reasonably articulate about why they can't.
if somebody is truly "emotionally unavailable", op, whatever you've got to offer doesn't mean a thing. because they do not even have the psychological capacity to process your love and attention. it does not compute, and they cannot reciprocate in any meaningful way. they're conflicted and repressive. in other words, they cannot or will not deliver on the words that their mouths will put into your ears. i met somebody like this once. if you don't know what's going on, it's incredibly frustrating because they have all the right words that go with wanting to reach out, and yet they will never, ever do that except in some very brief and/or superficial, yet highly convincing manner. then they'll leave you right out in the cold, so to speak, with no explanation and not a thought enters their head re the profound disconnect between "the say" and "the do". it's not that they're deliberately trying to be callous, it's just that they truly do not give a sh*t.
did i mention emotionally unavailable people are a complete and utter waste of time?
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| Emotionally Unavailable DOES NOT = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:27:52 AM | ^^^also, although emotionally unavailable men aren't overtly self-centered or uncaring people, just under that thin veneer of charm... everything is all about them... THEIR needs... THEIR wants... THEIR schedule... THEIR projects... THEIR interests... THEIR limitations... the relationship is going THEIR way 24/7, or the highway.
an emotionally unavailable man, beyond some initial expression of interest, will rarely, if ever, ask you what you think, what you like, what you feel, where you're going, what you're up to, what your friends and family are like... or what makes you tick. he might be philanthropist of the year or do a million other things on a material level to be helpful and kind, but he will never truly "be there" with you. oh you'll see little flashes of it... just enough to keep you interested... but the overall landscape never changes.
a man who's emotionally available will tell you with a big grin and a laugh that he's a doofus, or that he's a little bit maladjusted, or even that he's dysfunctional. if and when that happens, remember that the smile & laugh are not a discount, but a flaming exclamation point and a bold/underline to the clearest statement of character that you'll get out of this person, ever.
an emotionally unavailable man is so self-absorbed (emotionally) that he doesn't even know that he's self-absorbed. but the behavior patterns are unmistakable once you learn to recognize them. as you can see, i can go on an on about this lil' topic, lol. learn from my mistakes....
GIRL, RUN LIKE YOUR FREAKIN' PANTS ARE ON FIRE
this stuff will leave you thinking you're the one with a screw loose....
VVV edit for post #88 VVV
i have no intention of making this a gender-specific issue. i framed it in terms of emotionally unavailable man given the op's own gender... also i have no experience with or knowledge of emotionally unavailable women... i was wondering as i typed all this though, whether it plays out differently among women.... | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Not over past relationships
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:49:17 AM | That's been my experience. Someone not emotionally available has not healed from whatever scars they've incurred with others.
Emotionally Unavailable can also mean that they have not learned an important lesson in their life and are continually repeating the same mistakes. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable DOES NOT = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:52:35 AM |
^^^also, although emotionally unavailable men aren't overtly self-centered or uncaring people, just under that thin veneer of charm... everything is all about them... THEIR needs... THEIR wants... THEIR schedule... THEIR projects... THEIR interests... THEIR limitations... the relationship is going THEIR way 24/7, or the highway.
an emotionally unavailable man, beyond some initial expression of interest, will rarely, if ever, ask you what you think, what you like, what you feel, where you're going, what you're up to, what your friends and family are like... or what makes you tick. he might be philanthropist of the year or do a million other things on a material level to be helpful and kind, but he will never truly "be there" with you. oh you'll see little flashes of it... just enough to keep you interested... but the overall landscape never changes.
an emotionally unavailable man is so self-absorbed (emotionally) that he doesn't even know that he's self-absorbed. but the behavior patterns are unmistakable once you learn to recognize them.
This description can and should be applied to the female gender as well..... And there are far too many women who believe that simply because a man doesn't 'emote' in the very same way that women do, he MUST be the one with the problem. For the last couple of decades, pop psych has asked for men to become walking emoting, in touch with their feeling, overly sensitive 'Mother Teresas'......when the reality is that men EMOTE ALL THE TIME...... but most of them simply do it DIFFERENTLY than women.... Women are CONVINCED that a man isn't emotionally available if he would rather SOLVE the problem a woman has, then sit there and just go 'uh huh....uh huh....uh huh...... and how does that make you FEEL?', when all the 'books' you've brought home for him to read to 'get his act together' are convincing you that it's just his job to......LISTEN to you. He's a MAN.....His instinct is to SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM..... You MAKE a man become emotionally unavailable every time you insist that your relationship would be JUST FINE......if only he THOUGHT LIKE YOU!!! | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:33:30 AM | I agree OP albeit I would expand greatly on this perception of emotional unavailability as thats much too neat and tidy to explain blunderbuss of paradoxical conjecture of those your spaking off - pointless projection ones. Still, cant they be there for amusement. And, dont people see what they want to see - also cover this, And always be aware not everyone is whom they seem to be for self projection purposes, to others (it would be unfair of me to stick a % on this from solely my own opinion pssst its not a low number;))
*wicked sticks free will in an empty muffin wrapper and mails it to timbuctoo...and is frankly perfect & more than likely about to be smoted by the hand of someone's god.
Tis not that they be scared OP, there just not who you think, or what they want you to think - in the initial. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 12:00:01 PM | Is it just me or is this thread just another example of poor social double standards between genders? It seems as though when a man doesn't want to get involved with a woman, he is emotionally unavailable and a coward but when a woman doesn't want to get involved with a man, she is exercising her right to be an independent and liberated woman. Meh, maybe I am reading too much into this one.
Anyway, I know I'm perfectly comfortable with commitment, so I can't really talk for those who the OP deems scared or "emotionally unavailable", but I can definitely presume that the issue goes a lot deeper what the she presents. Everyone is different and we are all looking for different things out of our lives and partners.
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:44:13 PM | I've followed some of your threads and I think one of the more recent ones was about you being obsessed with someone, thinking about them/wanting to be with them all the time and so on.
Maybe the problem is that you're just too intense? You certainly sound to be if you tie the thread topics together.
I'd be scared too.
I think people want someone who doesn't desperately need them but truly adores them. Big difference.
Further to that, I think that most men I've met or known are way more eager than I am to get into a serious relationship. So how would you explain the difference in what we're seeing?
And emotional unavailability is often a feature of someone who is preoccupied with something OTHER than their relationship or the person they are in one with, not so much a lack of interest. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:01:30 PM |
my biggest fear is that I'd let my fear win and refuse to be available...
Ditto. This last break-up was like the straw that broke me. While I know I'll get back to the 'real me' in time, right now, yes I'm emotionally unavailable due to fear. But, not pretending to be looking for a relationship. That would just be wrong and unfair to the guy. Like some said earlier, not fair to make the next person pay for the hurt/fear caused by the last person. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:58:03 PM |
I think people want someone who doesn't desperately need them but truly adores them. Big difference.
There is, but a lot of people don't realize it.
Further to that, I think that most men I've met or known are way more eager than I am to get into a serious relationship. So how would you explain the difference in what we're seeing?
Good question, this has been my experience as well. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:03:51 PM |
Just because someone doesn't want a LTR doesn't mean it's because they're scared. Some people prefer to be alone(like myself), but some haven't realised it yet, because "society" or the "norm" tells them that looking for a LTR is the way to go.
I go through extended (and I mean LONG) periods of time where an LTR is the last thing on my mind. There are many reasons for this, but they are my reasons and I don't feel the need to explain them anymore. Then there are times like now, when I've been the "just me" route for a long time and I think it's an opportune time to at least see what's out there. Probably won't last long, as I'm a quick study and realize that what works for me is not only rare, but possibly even non-existant. Either way? I'm still a whole, happy, fulfilled person. Doesn't take a relationship of any nature to make me "who" I am. I would maybe like to try to share my space, however. JMO  | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 9:15:27 PM | Wow, I am reading so much wounded bitterness on this thread! Geesh! Has anyone come to just accept people as they are and not judging them for their real or percieved failures, but forgiven them realizing that we 'did the best we were able to do' for the time in which we did? Come on brothers and sisters, we are all learning, every single one of us! What is the use of blaming each other for our own blindspots or lack of self-knowledge? We will all do 'better' next time (if we want to) Wiyan | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 5:54:23 AM | I don't think people who are emotionally unavailable are scared. Well they are but they is only half of it. They're also insecure. And those insecurities can show up when you least expect it. But its all a learning experience.
I learned the hard way by going out with a girl who everybody thought we would be the perfect couple. Well it turned into a disaster. She was emotionally unavailable, and took the side of others. She didn't trust, and looking back I was just walking into a disaster.
She wanted to get back with me but finally I had enough. I'd rather her work out her issues, than us get back together & me have everything I ever did wrong held against me. Along with her insistence she is right, and I'm wrong about certain things. I couldn't take our conversations where she'd pick something out of them to hold against me, and emotionally she couldn't take being intimate. Also if I didn't meet her conditions of what she wanted, i.e. what I couldn't & couldn't do. She wanted to control it, or I couldn't be with her.
Her past relationships had already given her an outline of what she didn't want, compiled with her emotional insecurities, I was the perfect person to unload them out on top of.
So its a learning experience. You've just got to pick yourself up, and do the best you can. And give that person with the unavailability to work out their issues, and maybe in the future things will be better. And if not then you got a wealth of knowledge by having to go through it. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:26:20 AM | Sure, there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people on this site, but I've found them pretty easy to spot, generally. Maybe it's because I was emotionally unavailable when I first signed up, and tried to be pretty upfront about it. So I think I attracted a lot of that type, which was fine; I wasn't looking for a LTR and it was easier to just have a good time with someone who wasn't evaluating you for LTR potential. In the process though, I did run into quite a few men who were very serious about finding someone for long-term, so they're out there- it's a matter of finding the right one for you.
That's what it boils down to ultimately- I could talk a good story about not needing anyone, and not wanting anything, but when Mr. Right showed up, I became available, almost right away. It took a tiny bit of prodding on his part, but my resistance was mostly token, I have to admit. I just couldn't believe that my mind and heart could be changed so quickly. So I think it's entirely possible that the right two people coming together can break down some pretty lofty defenses. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:34:09 AM | | Some people aren't scared, or upset, or insecure or any of that. They're simply not overly emotional people and handle it differently than others. That may come from plain old upbringing....and it could be a habit. Trust me, I know. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:00:48 PM | | Some people are scared. Some people have never learned to be emotionally available. Some people were at one time emotionally available and for some reason ( trauma or a bad relationship ) stop being emotionally available. Some people who say they want a long term relationship really do want that but are not good at relationships. Take your pick. I think You are lovely and will find a great man to love you. But these things take time in the mean time hold to your dream for your Mr Wonderful and have fun. Good luck. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:06:19 PM | There are WAY too many confused people out there.
I started talking to a girl online (who contacted ME) who said she found me so interesting because I give advice, and my personality, my views, etc. I said to myself, "Hmmm. She's young, but she sounds mature."
But as soon as she found out I lived on the same street as her ex boyfriend, things changed in a hurry. Then, she was saying she "wasn't sure what she wanted", etc.
Please. Don't waste my time. | |
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