| | Emotionally Unavailable = ScaredPage 5 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | | On this site I have met drunk, drugged out women- no lie.. They all say drug free- but many showed up stoned. I used to get high, it was fun but I am 31 now- got to move on. I can read the sex issues session and see a lot of men are just looking to hook up. sad | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:19:26 PM | Emotional unavailability doesn't always equal fear/scared (I'm assuming of commitment or a relationship).
Sometimes, there are just periods of time when someone wants a break or doesn't have the desire to be involved or dating at that time.
It's more than annoying IMO, when people automatically assume that if you're single you MUST BE looking or wanting to meet someone....UGH! It's inconceivable to some that anyone could possibly enjoy or prefer being single for any period of time. Those are one of the types of people I avoid. 
Emotionally unavailable means just that, a person's reasons are their own and noone else's business unless they choose to share. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:48:58 AM | Hi
Sadly due to child hood expereinces and the male is detered from showing his true feelings.
This process takes time to over come and be able to heal and nurture our pains,
Learn to face our fears adn not hide them and then the final issues frsutrations.
I sadly feared the opposite sex was it due to fear induced from my parents?
I do know that once I lucked up the courage to ask girls out they use to giggle.
I took it as a reflection of me, yet found out later on their giggle was just their fears and nerves.
I learned in time how insecure females really are adn how often they seek other people to fullfill their own needs and wants
I do not fear females now of any age and feel comfortable with both sexes.
What you are seeking will occur once you learn to love your self first of all and place your own needs and wants first of all.
It sounds very selfish to place your self first of all but once you heal and your own issues resolved will be able to find your own soul partner who is matched to your own emotional needs.
Sadly over time ladies will learn that they can not change their men no matter how persucasive loving and caring they are.
I wonder if you feel cheated that you fullfiled his both his emotional and physical needs while you felt unloved?
The man you meet next hopefully will love him self and others unconditionally and be able to give of him self.
There will be loads of people who will pretend to be caring and be loving but beware people will tell you what you want to hear?
Be fully aware but not afraid.
See the healthy inner child in who you seak .
Find some one who is able to give of himself uncondiotionally and is not afraid to give you his all emotionally.
You sound like a vey healthy lady with a well balanced healthy child in you who is not afraid to be completely honest.
That kind of honesty in both partners is the path to a very healthy raltionsip.
I Hope you find the best soul person for you and you both fulfill each other needs and wants in healthy realtionship and freindship.
I am today married 39 years and by next April my wife will be back and we will be together after finding out about more our selves and our own inner childs needs and wants.
If you previous partner was not able to love it is very likely he is stunted by deep seated fear and fears, I hope in time he will find a path to be able to give of huimself unconditionally one day to another person.
Love
Dave | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 7:01:08 AM | | Being in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable is hard - my boyfriend constantly tell me he loves me, yet his actions don''t match up. He snaps at me for no reason and acts like he is there in body only, but his mind is seemingly miles away. I am not sure whether to carry on - not sure if the good times outweigh all the times when I feel a wall would be better company. In case you're wondering, we are not currently speaking. I would urge anyone in a new relationship to think carefully; I always thought it was lonelier to be alone, but it hurts when you're in a relationship and the person who is supposed to be most special to you won't confide in you and is on another plane. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 11:51:43 AM | Fear of intimacy in men = fear that there may be someone hotter, better looking,
sexier and better in bed if they keep looking.
Not appreciating the beautiful loving woman that they have, keeping a distance, because someone even better might come along. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:31:11 PM |
I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less!
I just think the OP had her heart set on someone who didn't reciprocate her feelings in the way she wanted, so she's charging him with being "emotionally unavailable" (to her). This is nothing more than a new version of "men are intimidated (scared) by ____".
How does the woman know this is the reason he dumped or stopped "courting" her? Never once have I heard a woman say: "I am such a pain in the derriere that after just one date men are charging for the exit."
I think a lot of people on this site actually "think" they are looking for a "long term relationship" - that very special person to be with, but in actuality if they met and dated that person they would think it was too good to be true.
Au contraire, my experience in actuality meeing people from sites like this suggests it could hardly be as bad as I could have imagined it could be.
So, yea, "too good to be true" would make me a bit suspicious there was something really fishy going on. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:51:10 PM | | The alternative is to get involved in a long term relationship just for the sake of being in one, rather than being with someone who is compatible with you in most areas. It's likely a good part of the reason for some of the divorces out there. Too many people are too concerned with the "idea" of being in a relationship rather than understanding what all goes into sustaining one. There is often such a stigma of not being in a ltr that people will force themselves into one, whether it's right or not for either party. It takes a lot of knowing yourself and getting to know the other person. If it seems like "scared", I'm sure some are, but by and large, I see it more as finding out that you just couldn't see yourself in a lrt with the particular people you're dating to this point in time. Even the way the OT has described people as "masquarading around like they really want to a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**tless", makes it sounds as though just because an opportunity is presented and it feels right to one person, it automatically should feel right to the other party. It just doesn't work that way. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:35:05 PM | totally agree with chameleonf (of course! lol) ..
Personally I would love to meet that special someone .. but I'm not desperate to the point that having a long term relationship with the First Opportunity that presents itself is in anyway in my present Or future! lol ..
Just yesterday an 'old' friend of mine and I were talking. She asked me if I wouldn't like to have someone .. blahblahblah .. and I told her of course I would, I just haven't met "him" yet. All of a sudden I was on the receiving end of "advise for the loveless"! lol .. She told me that I should cut my hair, wear makeup and started telling me (EVEN) what I should say to 'get A guy'!!! OMG OMG .. The way she went on you'd have thought that I was Suffering unimaginably without a guy (Any guy!) l0lolol! I let her know that I was NOT going to be phoney to attract someone only to have him look at me in a year and say: "Who the he!! are You?"! She couldn't see where it was "phoney" for me to Completely change myself, looks, behaviour etc Just to "get A guy" .. sigh ..
I'll tell you what I told her: "I would rather be alone than be in a long term relationship with a stranger OR with someone who I could never just be me with. I am happy NOW. IF I started doing all that crap, I would lose myself, not be Happy (at all) and not likely be much fun to be around. I'm not willing to go on prozac just so I can say 'I have a relationship'. End of discussion."
I am Emotionally Available and I am available to the Right man who is also emotionally available - certainly NOT any old 'opportunity' that presents itself ..  | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:17:48 PM | As for a man being emotionally unavailable because he just doesn't want YOU, not because he is really chronically unavailable to anyone:
An emotionally unavailable man DOES want SOME women:
he wants only women who don't really want him. With women he senses are not and never will be really into him, he is there all the way, ready to do whatever he can to get them to want him. But no matter what he does these women, as he instinctivly knows from the moment he meets them, will NEVER be into him.
So, as long as he is safe from ever having a real, mutual loving relationship with a woman, he pursues her. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:22:39 PM | Landra: Message 2:
Great site! The woman who runs it is one of the most insightful people I have ever read! | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 4:25:42 PM | Hi
You have a good point regards not feeling fulfilled emotionally.
Yet take in to account that most men are programmed as children that men do not cry only girls and babies cry.
So you are asking him to undo all the programming in his life.
And be completely free of all pains and fears of his past and trust you unconditionally ?
Do ladies think they can change their men and help them come out of them self?
How many ladies marry their man and then understand later how much baggage they took in to their marriage?
It woudl scare you to know howlong it ahs taken me to be this opena dnhonest with myself and other people.
Even more so considering that once I feared the opposite sex?
Thank you
Love
Dave | |
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Ependa
| | Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 112 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:17:16 PM | It certainly can equate to being scared. I think it's just unavailable emotionally for whatever reason...scared, selfish, working through things from the last relationship, working through things from childhood, working through things with themselves...I don't think this is always a bad thing. I think people need to take time to recenter after a break up. Work things through in their own head. I think it's healthier to do this and then be able to approach a relationship in a better and more open way.
And yes, of course this is a crutch for some people. And some people are just scared. Living life to its fullest ,whatever that is for you, is not for woosies =) | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:16:23 PM |
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
True.
However, I would much rather be Emotionally Unavailable than a F L A K E who falls in love with the first person that comes along declaring they have sooooo much love, attention, and generosity to give.
Why?
Because usually these same people are just as equally capable of revoking their love, attention, and generosity, as fleetingly as they gave it.
Still waters run deep.
Same can be said for some "Emotionally Unavailable" people.
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:24:10 PM | Right now, my emotions are anger, because my life isn't going the way I want it, not making the kind of money that used to be there, not doing the kind of work I enjoy and am good at, and I really don't think a woman deserves that...so I better steer clear of relationships for awhile!!!
Scared of unleashing my own titanic anger on some poor, unsuspecting soul... | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:33:58 PM | I am ready emotionally and available but, it has to be with a woman that I feel those feelings with. Yes, I admit I have dated and not felt that spark, so I tend to not persue them so I don't lead them on. I am not on here to play any womans heart, so if I don't feel it and they do I tend to RUN... | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:36:23 PM | | I agree with you 100% I have been on a few sites in the last few years and I have come to the conclusion that most of the men are very emotionally unavailable or just downright dishonest. If you do actually meet one they want a mom, a lover or someone just to support them. I too have alot to offer but have never met one yet that comes close to actually being a long term mate . There has to be another way to meet quality guys and if you find one let me know. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:41:43 PM | | why are peopl on dating sites if they are emotionally unavailable or are happy to be single or like you just angry at life?? | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:20:48 PM | | if that's the case people that are scared that come on here should just put on their profiles friendship | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/12/2010 8:27:34 AM | Hi
Emotionally Unavailable Scared often means they have suffered pain and are nto able to ehal the pains of their past or the pains of today.
A Person living in pain lives in fear.
A Person living in pain and fear can not give of them self unconditonally.
Yes sadly some men are not seaking a spiritual healthy realtionship and looking for a person to be their slave and to control that person.
People who try to control others are often inet inadeuqate insecure immature people and not healthy.
Often people do not understand theri needs and wants and think that sex is an answer to every thing.
Sadly they only cheat them self.
We need to understand people motivations to understand who they are.
How many people can write down or understand the importance of every spiritual value?
Spiritual values such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility courteous sincere honest faithful optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful very grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud and serene.
How much more effort can I put in to my spiritual growth today?
Unhealthy actions has unhealthy consequences, healthy actions have healthy consequences.
Which actions and consequences do we want and need to embrace in our life today?
Love and peace to everyone
Dave. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/12/2010 10:36:04 AM |
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
I don't agree. I think people (not just men) are emotionally unavailable when the emotions are going to be given/shared with the wrong-person-for-them. Much like myself. Just because things go well, I like someone, I spend some quality time with him, things are going OK, but NOT quite what I've been waiting for. I don't pretend or intend to invest emotions in that person or situation and I'm honest about that. I might like that person, maybe even very much, that doesn't mean it's more or going to be more than that. I think we (both genders) use the term "emotionally unavailable" when the emotions we HOPE to feel/see/hear from someone simply aren't the emotions that person is feeling for us. It happened to me not all that long ago and this was my knee-jerk reaction. It was HIS problem. The reality? He didn't see me as I saw him. No one's fault, simple reality. JMO  | |
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Crisro
| | Joined: 12/10/2009
Msg: 121 | |
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/12/2010 3:41:35 PM | Thoght I should bring back some words of wisdom from earlier in the thread.
Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love, OR maybe they don't have that much hurt left in them
having to communicate,OR are tired of being the only one trying to
having to be emotionally available ( so how redudant is that)
having to care,OR have cared too much in the past
having to empathize,OR would like alittle in return for once
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own,OR are done being a doormat.
having to be trusted, OR have had trust betrayed
having to be relied upon, OR have been used
having to be respectful, OR have been abused
having to recognize boundaries,OR have been controlled
having to be committed, OR have had committments broken
having to be expected or needed, OR are tired of others unrealistic expectations
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths, OR just want to be listened to.
having to make an effort,OR are tired of being the only one putting forth an effort
and having to think.,OR have decided to start thinking and stop letting emotions run their lives.
I am emotionally unavailable, by choice and after some amount of thought. I recognize that about myself and it is stated in my profile.
I lived most of my life being TOO selfless, to the point it has caused me great pain and misery. I'm over all that now but why would I want to open the door to it again. I can be a great friend to anyone, but the next "Love of My Life" is going to have to show me the deserve all of the above.
I'm not emotionally unavailable or scared, as someone else said I'm just aware and there's a big difference. When you fall head over heels for someone and end up getting hurt for it, you think harder, the second time it happens you think even harder, and eventually you reach a point where you don't give the best parts of yourself away to someone just because you had a good dinner and coffee together, or had a gutwrenching talk, or had a good romp in the sack.
Like the quote above says, the "Love of my Life" will need to prove themselves to me as much as I need to prove myself to them. Even stevens and all that. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/12/2010 5:42:43 PM | | I have certainly run across my share of men described by the OP. I also know more than a few women who are also emotionally unavailable, including me once upon a time. Fear was the motivation in my case. I think sometimes people meet people where a mutual connection simply isn't there...doesn't mean they are emotionally unavailable people, just emotionally unavailable to that person. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 6:24:15 AM | Hi
A person who is emotionally unavailable can be so for many reasons.
How many people were not able to grow emotionally during their child hood due to paiful truamas of apin.
For me to have healthy realtionships with other people I needed to learn to grow and mature being able to express my feeling in ahealthy way.
I also needed to learn to heal the emotional scars of my past and face my fears and there were far to many to mention.
In accepting the sernity prayer I was able to understand teh only person Ihave control over on this planet is me.
Often people are not content with them self and think they seek another person to fulfill their wants and needs, in that thinking they only cheat them self.
For each of us we need to fulfill our own wants and needs, and then help pass on our wisdom to our freinds and partners.
Part of the nurturing skills as a healthy person is to help our self frist of all in an emotional way and then help others to help them selves.
If we do things for other people we cheat our self and we cheat our freinds.
Fear is not a motivation feeling, often fear inhbits us from living a healthy life with healthy raltionships
For me mutual connection is not what healthy raltionships are all about.
Some see mutual connection as a physical attraction or asexual desire.
The beast and ehalthiest realtionship are based up spiritual interactions.
How many people can write down or understand the importance spiritual values? Spiritual values such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility courteous sincere honest faithful optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful very grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud and serene.
Often emotionally unavailable people means they are living in pain or fear
How much emotional pain is in my life today?
Are there any fears I need to face today?
Am I frustrated then maybe I need to accept the sernity prayer in to my life?
I needed to get healthy before I could ahve ehalthy realtionship with another ?
Love
Dave | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 8:55:53 AM | Coming from the horse's mouth:
Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love -- maybe
having to communicate -- absolutely
having to be emotionally available -- well, that's why they're emotionally unavailable. don't use a word in its definition
having to care -- disagree
having to empathize -- sort of
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own -- disagree
having to be trusted -- disagree
having to be relied upon -- agree
having to be respectful -- disagree
having to recognize boundaries -- disagree
having to be committed -- agree
having to be expected or needed -- agree
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths -- disagree
having to make an effort -- oh definitely agree
and having to think. -- mostly agree
I've been generally called "emotionally unavailable". I have no problem following through with my word, or being trusted. But I'm going to be very hesitant to say I'm going to do something. I have no problem saying no. I don't like being relied upon, and I don't like relying upon people. I don't make the best shoulder to cry on. This affects what kind of women I date. | |
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| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 10:04:31 AM | | .dej....just curious but do you know why you are that way? It would definately make it challenging for any woman who was in a relationship with you....does that bother you? | |
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