| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:26:20 AM | Sure, there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people on this site, but I've found them pretty easy to spot, generally. Maybe it's because I was emotionally unavailable when I first signed up, and tried to be pretty upfront about it. So I think I attracted a lot of that type, which was fine; I wasn't looking for a LTR and it was easier to just have a good time with someone who wasn't evaluating you for LTR potential. In the process though, I did run into quite a few men who were very serious about finding someone for long-term, so they're out there- it's a matter of finding the right one for you.
That's what it boils down to ultimately- I could talk a good story about not needing anyone, and not wanting anything, but when Mr. Right showed up, I became available, almost right away. It took a tiny bit of prodding on his part, but my resistance was mostly token, I have to admit. I just couldn't believe that my mind and heart could be changed so quickly. So I think it's entirely possible that the right two people coming together can break down some pretty lofty defenses. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:34:09 AM | | Some people aren't scared, or upset, or insecure or any of that. They're simply not overly emotional people and handle it differently than others. That may come from plain old upbringing....and it could be a habit. Trust me, I know. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:00:48 PM | Some people are scared. Some people have never learned to be emotionally available. Some people were at one time emotionally available and for some reason ( trauma or a bad relationship ) stop being emotionally available. Some people who say they want a long term relationship really do want that but are not good at relationships. Take your pick. I think You are lovely and will find a great man to love you. But these things take time in the mean time hold to your dream for your Mr Wonderful and have fun. Good luck. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:06:19 PM | There are WAY too many confused people out there.
I started talking to a girl online (who contacted ME) who said she found me so interesting because I give advice, and my personality, my views, etc. I said to myself, "Hmmm. She's young, but she sounds mature."
But as soon as she found out I lived on the same street as her ex boyfriend, things changed in a hurry. Then, she was saying she "wasn't sure what she wanted", etc.
Please. Don't waste my time. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:21:41 PM | I have no trouble whatsoever being emotionally available...I just don't remember how to be.Does anyone relate to that?Being in a monogamous relationship almost all my life with someone who was the poster child of emotional unavailability(or any other type of availability,for that matter)left me a little behind in the times.
I gave so much in the 35 years I was married and finally had to give up.I wasn't going to change him,he was never going to want to love,or be loved.He totally wanted the physical relationship,but without the emotional part that women need so much.
So,that leaves me with a world of love to give someone,but not sure how to go about giving it.I will admit that I am a little SCARED that I'll meet someone that was just like the one I had to leave. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:01:00 PM |
I know I have sooo much love, attention, generosity to give to someone
Can I say that this is scary to most people, especially men?
Picture a major highway. The end of the major highway is a relationship.
While we (men & women) go down this highway we see side-roads. Most of us scared women stay on the highway and don't drive down the side-roads. Men, they like to take the side-road for a short scenic route sometimes. Those side-roads can be enticing. The side-roads are sexual encounters. Brief and satisfactory. Then they come back up to the highway.
The above quote is a sign for a side-road. The men go MIA asap when the other hand starts reaching out to entwine them while they feed on the "generousity and sooo much love that is offered". To most men it's like a clinging vine that will suffocate and choke the life from them.
Most men and women want a relationship that is equal in giving and taking. A man likes to show a woman what he wants to do for her, and if she is wise she will take gracefully, while giving him back something he needs and wants from her. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:05:04 PM | | On this site I have met drunk, drugged out women- no lie.. They all say drug free- but many showed up stoned. I used to get high, it was fun but I am 31 now- got to move on. I can read the sex issues session and see a lot of men are just looking to hook up. sad | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:19:26 PM | Emotional unavailability doesn't always equal fear/scared (I'm assuming of commitment or a relationship).
Sometimes, there are just periods of time when someone wants a break or doesn't have the desire to be involved or dating at that time.
It's more than annoying IMO, when people automatically assume that if you're single you MUST BE looking or wanting to meet someone....UGH! It's inconceivable to some that anyone could possibly enjoy or prefer being single for any period of time. Those are one of the types of people I avoid. 
Emotionally unavailable means just that, a person's reasons are their own and noone else's business unless they choose to share. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:48:58 AM | Hi
Sadly due to child hood expereinces and the male is detered from showing his true feelings.
This process takes time to over come and be able to heal and nurture our pains,
Learn to face our fears adn not hide them and then the final issues frsutrations.
I sadly feared the opposite sex was it due to fear induced from my parents?
I do know that once I lucked up the courage to ask girls out they use to giggle.
I took it as a reflection of me, yet found out later on their giggle was just their fears and nerves.
I learned in time how insecure females really are adn how often they seek other people to fullfill their own needs and wants
I do not fear females now of any age and feel comfortable with both sexes.
What you are seeking will occur once you learn to love your self first of all and place your own needs and wants first of all.
It sounds very selfish to place your self first of all but once you heal and your own issues resolved will be able to find your own soul partner who is matched to your own emotional needs.
Sadly over time ladies will learn that they can not change their men no matter how persucasive loving and caring they are.
I wonder if you feel cheated that you fullfiled his both his emotional and physical needs while you felt unloved?
The man you meet next hopefully will love him self and others unconditionally and be able to give of him self.
There will be loads of people who will pretend to be caring and be loving but beware people will tell you what you want to hear?
Be fully aware but not afraid.
See the healthy inner child in who you seak .
Find some one who is able to give of himself uncondiotionally and is not afraid to give you his all emotionally.
You sound like a vey healthy lady with a well balanced healthy child in you who is not afraid to be completely honest.
That kind of honesty in both partners is the path to a very healthy raltionsip.
I Hope you find the best soul person for you and you both fulfill each other needs and wants in healthy realtionship and freindship.
I am today married 39 years and by next April my wife will be back and we will be together after finding out about more our selves and our own inner childs needs and wants.
If you previous partner was not able to love it is very likely he is stunted by deep seated fear and fears, I hope in time he will find a path to be able to give of huimself unconditionally one day to another person.
Love
Dave | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 7:01:08 AM | | Being in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable is hard - my boyfriend constantly tell me he loves me, yet his actions don''t match up. He snaps at me for no reason and acts like he is there in body only, but his mind is seemingly miles away. I am not sure whether to carry on - not sure if the good times outweigh all the times when I feel a wall would be better company. In case you're wondering, we are not currently speaking. I would urge anyone in a new relationship to think carefully; I always thought it was lonelier to be alone, but it hurts when you're in a relationship and the person who is supposed to be most special to you won't confide in you and is on another plane. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 11:51:43 AM | Fear of intimacy in men = fear that there may be someone hotter, better looking,
sexier and better in bed if they keep looking.
Not appreciating the beautiful loving woman that they have, keeping a distance, because someone even better might come along. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:31:11 PM |
I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less!
I just think the OP had her heart set on someone who didn't reciprocate her feelings in the way she wanted, so she's charging him with being "emotionally unavailable" (to her). This is nothing more than a new version of "men are intimidated (scared) by ____".
How does the woman know this is the reason he dumped or stopped "courting" her? Never once have I heard a woman say: "I am such a pain in the derriere that after just one date men are charging for the exit."
I think a lot of people on this site actually "think" they are looking for a "long term relationship" - that very special person to be with, but in actuality if they met and dated that person they would think it was too good to be true.
Au contraire, my experience in actuality meeing people from sites like this suggests it could hardly be as bad as I could have imagined it could be.
So, yea, "too good to be true" would make me a bit suspicious there was something really fishy going on. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:51:10 PM | | The alternative is to get involved in a long term relationship just for the sake of being in one, rather than being with someone who is compatible with you in most areas. It's likely a good part of the reason for some of the divorces out there. Too many people are too concerned with the "idea" of being in a relationship rather than understanding what all goes into sustaining one. There is often such a stigma of not being in a ltr that people will force themselves into one, whether it's right or not for either party. It takes a lot of knowing yourself and getting to know the other person. If it seems like "scared", I'm sure some are, but by and large, I see it more as finding out that you just couldn't see yourself in a lrt with the particular people you're dating to this point in time. Even the way the OT has described people as "masquarading around like they really want to a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**tless", makes it sounds as though just because an opportunity is presented and it feels right to one person, it automatically should feel right to the other party. It just doesn't work that way. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:35:05 PM | totally agree with chameleonf (of course! lol) ..
Personally I would love to meet that special someone .. but I'm not desperate to the point that having a long term relationship with the First Opportunity that presents itself is in anyway in my present Or future! lol ..
Just yesterday an 'old' friend of mine and I were talking. She asked me if I wouldn't like to have someone .. blahblahblah .. and I told her of course I would, I just haven't met "him" yet. All of a sudden I was on the receiving end of "advise for the loveless"! lol .. She told me that I should cut my hair, wear makeup and started telling me (EVEN) what I should say to 'get A guy'!!! OMG OMG .. The way she went on you'd have thought that I was Suffering unimaginably without a guy (Any guy!) l0lolol! I let her know that I was NOT going to be phoney to attract someone only to have him look at me in a year and say: "Who the he!! are You?"! She couldn't see where it was "phoney" for me to Completely change myself, looks, behaviour etc Just to "get A guy" .. sigh ..
I'll tell you what I told her: "I would rather be alone than be in a long term relationship with a stranger OR with someone who I could never just be me with. I am happy NOW. IF I started doing all that crap, I would lose myself, not be Happy (at all) and not likely be much fun to be around. I'm not willing to go on prozac just so I can say 'I have a relationship'. End of discussion."
I am Emotionally Available and I am available to the Right man who is also emotionally available - certainly NOT any old 'opportunity' that presents itself ..  | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:17:48 PM | As for a man being emotionally unavailable because he just doesn't want YOU, not because he is really chronically unavailable to anyone:
An emotionally unavailable man DOES want SOME women:
he wants only women who don't really want him. With women he senses are not and never will be really into him, he is there all the way, ready to do whatever he can to get them to want him. But no matter what he does these women, as he instinctivly knows from the moment he meets them, will NEVER be into him.
So, as long as he is safe from ever having a real, mutual loving relationship with a woman, he pursues her. | |
|
| Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:22:39 PM | Landra: Message 2:
Great site! The woman who runs it is one of the most insightful people I have ever read! | |
|
Home
login 
