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 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 50
Should I keep her as a friend?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Bikeman,

Why? What would be the point? If you're really into someone, and you tough it out being friends (shaky, low-percentage situation anyway), and after several months she officially says no to go down the romantic route (when you were thinking it'd be a possibility that whole time)...

... why continue?
I'm not suggesting making her your BFF. Just keeping in contact with her on occasion; certainly don't make her the focus of your social agenda.

Don't be another one of her needy male orbiters just hoping for a chance. And she knows what's she's doing if she keeps you around like that. They *know* you still want them and use you for the emotional tampon. She doesn't care about your feelings.
Certainly don't allow her to use your friendship as her "emotional tampon". I disagree about how she doesn't care about the OP's feelings. If she didn't care, she would lie to him and mislead him. That clearly didn't happen; she merely was upfront with her feelings; don't you want friends to tell you how they feel instead of lie??

If your romanticaly interested in a person and they want "friend's" better to move on.
I totally agree; just be mature and understand she has no romantic feelings for you whenever you communicate with her. Is that so difficult?


You should also ask her if she has any girlfriends she can set you up with. That will make her jealous and its win-win because you might like the new girlfriend better.

If you can truly do this, ok - but make sure you have the stomach for it. I've seen a male friend of mine do this more than once, with bad results: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Don't befriend her with the intent of making her jealous, or think she'll eventually come to see the error of her ways. Sure if you aren't mature to handle this type of relationship with her, certainly don't continue to befriend her.

Regarding 1. 2. 3. and 4. :
1. Definitely don't go out with her and her friends and care about how she flirts. You're going out with her with the intent on socializing with her friends and whoever else new that you meet while you're out.
2. If none of her friends show no interest in you, no biggie, don't pine over the 1st lady, just seek to meet new people while you're out.
3. So one of her friends is interested in you and you have no interest. So what? Politely decline the come-ons and socialize with her other friends or other new people that you meet. What's so difficult in turning down someone who you have no interest in?
4. Again, what's the big deal in breaking up with one of her friends?

Personally, I want to see my friends in happy relationships. If this woman isn't a total ****, and she has many admirable qualities, what's the harm in befriending her in a mature, non-emotional manner?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 51
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Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/21/2009 1:24:01 PM
I agree with you Bikeman - I can easily flip the switch on a guy who's not into me and stay friends with him because I get that attraction isn't a choice - it just seems that most men I have seen try this with women they had a thing for usually do so with an agenda of either getting her to realize she's missing something, or with the intent of instantly hitting it off with a new girl and having no middle ground or transitional period (as in getting over one by getting under another).

He's got to really not be into her for it to work, especially in situations that involve alcohol.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 52
Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/21/2009 2:15:51 PM
I agree WIP; guys generally don't know how to shut down their hormones in the presence of women they are attracted to. If I were in a scenario like this, knowing a woman for a few weeks, make a come-on, she turns me down, more likely than not I'll just stop approaching her and this ain't going anywhere. But if she were someone I truly liked on a few levels, I wouldn't end the friendship--does any of us really have too many friends? She just can't be a primary focus or a high secondary focus, that's all.
 Nyte7
Joined: 10/19/2008
Msg: 53
Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/21/2009 3:18:05 PM
She's the pianist and you're the piano.

You're getting PLAYED buddy. Quit it to win it.
 Motto_Bella
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 54
Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:39:49 PM
how the heck can you be friends, and nothing but friends, with someone you have deep feelings for?

^ You can't.. so wish her well and remove yourself altogether.. MAJOR conflict of interest.
Staying "friends" is nothing more than an opportunity to stay vested in her life... in hopes she will change her mind. Let it go. Friendship boundaries WILL be tested....those "deep feelings" will over-ride and over-step.
 norcal82
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 55
Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:30:23 PM
I think that you should take a break from hanging out with her and date other people. taking a break from her might diminish some of the feelings that you have for her. Contrary to the saying "absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder" in most cases.
 Minau
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 56
Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:26:19 AM
I've made the mistake of saying no...and sorely regret it...it's better to alteast be able to keep in touch with the person then absolutely no contact....his choice after I said no.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 57
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Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/22/2009 4:54:02 AM
"I've made the mistake of saying no...and sorely regret it...it's better to alteast be able to keep in touch with the person then absolutely no contact....his choice after I said no."
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Well, what's the point? She knows what I wanted and it certainly wasn't a shallow friendship. It's all or nothing. It might sound harsh but I'm the one who'd be hoping for something that most likely would never happen. I'd be hurting myself for no reason at all. Believe me, I have considered being friends but as it is now it doesn't work.

In answer to other posts, no one's being played here. She and I have no contact and we don't spend time together at all. Also, I've dated other women both before, during and after this thing with her. So it's not like I've been sitting at home for 3 months hoping that she'd come around. I just think that my ego took a major blow from this experience despite what I wrote about having "deep feelings" for her in my first post. Chances are that I've never even had true feelings for her, i.e., been in love with her. I say that because if you're in love with someone it has to be for a reason, right? She never gave me anything but a friendship with mixed signals. She acted in a way that often times contradicted what she'd told me. In any case, it's not enough to fall in love with.

Someone who's not giving you what you want and need doesn't even deserve that kind of attention and certainly not feelings. I gave her more than enough to let her know where I stood. She rejected that and didn't even want to get to know me better - mostly based on assumptions. Instead she chose to keep looking for her Mr. Right "who doesn't exist" elsewhere. And since she never "texts" or calls me after that phone call last week Tuesday, I have to assume that she doesn't even want to be friends anymore. So that's the end of that little story about... Us.
 Minau
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 58
Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/22/2009 5:09:43 PM
^^If it was someone you really cared about...it's sad that you won't even be able to have a decent conversation with them just to see what they're up to even if it is 10 years later because you said you didn't want to be "friends".
 New_Orleans
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 59
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Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:20:20 AM
To Confident/Realist,

You really are a confident, realist. You have so succintly summed up the situation without being there, that it is scary. You should be a lawyer! I recognise a lot of what you have said in your letter, and I am sure a lot of others, do, as well.

It is a damn pity that one cannot remain friends with the opposite sex, for whatever reasons. But...there, you have it, it is usually not advisable.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 60
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Should I keep her as a friend?
Posted: 7/23/2009 2:47:38 PM
"It is a damn pity that one cannot remain friends with the opposite sex, for whatever reasons. But...there, you have it, it is usually not advisable."
--------
I have to agree but men and women can't friends without there being some sort of "story" behind the friendship in the first place. I can easily be friends with a guy because there's no attraction, no story where I or he tried to start something, no attempts to get inside my pants, etc. etc. That can hardly ever be said about male-female friendships.

In this case, even if she and I had continued as friends, there would've been a "story" about a failure where I tried to get her romantically interested which she rejected. I think about her quite a bit and I hate it that things didn't work out. Life isn't always easy but there's nothing else to do but to move on. She doesn't give a shit about me but unfortunately I still think about HER.
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