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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:22:14 PM | I know I'm new here, but one thing that I've noticed is that on the profiles you can see what people have posted in the forums. If you're very argumentative or earn a negative reputation on the forums does that affect your dating at all? Or does that get the people doing it more visitors to their profile?
Also, whatever happened to being able to click on the photos or names in the forums and going to their profiles? Am I doing something wrong because when I came on here briefly a year ago I remember being able to do that and now it takes me to the forum posts for that user instead.
Personally I don't see what it gains being negative to other single parents, we're all in the same general situation, looking for someone to spend time with and figuring out how to do it while raising our children. I've enjoyed reading the posts in the forums but once it turns into fighting I stop reading those threads since it isn't helpful to me.
Dave | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:27:56 PM | | dave, if you click on view profile below the pictures it takes you to the profile.... and the problem here isn't other single parents being negative to one another, its those who do not have children and who have no interest in becomming involved with those who have children comming onto the single parent forums constantly side tracking several threads bringing alot of negative b.s. and many negative stereotypes about their veiws on single parents. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:35:33 PM | ^^^^ There's a little link underneath their photo that says "view profile". If there isn't one, they no longer are a member. Hope that helps.
Also, some of us are not looking for a date, and have our profiles hidden from the search feature. Speaking for myself, I appear on over 100 members' favorites lists, so I don't think my argumentative nature harms my chances at friends or otherwise. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:45:39 PM |
If you're very argumentative or earn a negative reputation on the forums does that affect your dating at all?
No idea... I'm not here for the dating... I'm already in a relationship.... and not looking for anything on the side...
I do believe a lot of people say "politically correct" things in the hopes it makes them look good.... | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:48:25 PM |
I do believe a lot of people say "politically correct" things in the hopes it makes them look good....
I agree. There are genuine people, but I think the ones who choose only to say those things in argument to whatever the people they don't like say don't seem genuine at all. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 3:49:53 PM |
its those who do not have children and who have no interest in becomming involved with those who have children comming onto the single parent forums constantly side tracking several threads bringing alot of negative b.s. and many negative stereotypes about their veiws on single parents.
Well, that's good... as long as you're not against me too.... | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 4:12:31 PM | And on with the positives:
OP, I completely agree with you. Content and delivery!
M church, just wanted you to know that I appreciated the list you had posted some time ago about what partners with kids should work out and get clear about BEFORE moving in together. I thought the list actually made a lot of sense, if it's ever needed. It also helped me see where you are coming from, ....so thanks for that. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 4:54:19 PM | " none of them seem to want to acknowledge that for the most part, they got in this mess because they didn't think...and even worse, some of them didn't think for the second and third (or more) times... so maybe making some of them stop and think might do some good"
Yes .. M CHURCH .. I believe its blanket statements like the one you just made that provoked this thread. But people who tend to stereotype others, and put them all into one basket on a glimpse --- also tend to be blind deaf and close minded - so unfortunately this thread may not translate or even apply to them in their own minds. .
This is a classic example of what can and sometimes does go wrong here. A person (mchurch) states an opinion about a group of people. A poster (urbanflavour ) reads it, assumes (mchurch) is talking about her, and gets angry.
Why? Why would you get angry if you are not being personally addressed? Why would you assume you are among the group of people being discussed? Obviously urbanflavour is not in a situation which mchurch was describing, so why is urbanflavour angry?
Here is mchurch's entire post, so the quote above can be read in context:
I understand where you're coming from....
However, in a lot of cases, people reply to threads with what they feel is appropriate...
I got tired of seeing so many postings bashing men for being shallow, insecure, immature and selfish for not wanting to date "single moms"... at the same time, none of them seem to want to acknowledge that for the most part, they got in this mess because they didn't think...and even worse, some of them didn't think for the second and third (or more) times... so maybe making some of them stop and think might do some good... and maybe, just maybe improve the situation.
So, obviously mchurch was spevifically addressing some of the posters who were bashing men for being shallow, etc,, for not wanting to date single mothers.
urbanflavour, were you one of the posters bashing men for being shallow if they didn't date single mothers? | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 6:56:41 PM | I know sometimes these forums can be very negative but they do work. I think some of the negativity is because we are trying to express very strong feelings and we don't always use the right words or are meaning is interpreted not the way we intended it to be... Words often have more meaning then their strict literal meaning.
The dating forums yes us single parents whine too much that we can't find someone to date. For us its hard to imagine that no one would want to be around our children because we love them so dearly. We kind of make ourselves easy targets when we say stuff like "why can't i find a man to accept me when I have kids?"
I have met some pretty cool people through these forums and after a horrible day their words of wisdom, experience and support speaks volume. My cousins are married with kids and my friends are childless so where do u go for advice? Parent forums on POF.
When these forums work they really work and can be useful because some of us are recently new to this "single parent thing" while others have been at it longer thus having more experience. And all I can say is thank-you to the people that have offered me insight and support. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:10:21 PM | I think that these forums are a great tool for learning from others' experience or for getting advise. I have seen some threads where things turn ugly, and have gotten bothered by them myself.
However, just think of this: say you're in a conversation with someone, face to face, who has an opposite view of things from you, and can support their findings. Now, obviously, you do NOT have to agree with them, you are entitled to your own opinion. Face to face does offer the one advantage though of body language. When I type something, I'm thinking it the way that I say it. When someone else reads it, they interpret it the way that THEY would expect it to come out. If someone has a huge sarcastic side to them, or speaks with irony normally, this may not come accross in their posting, and it may appear that they are seriously bashing when they don't mean to. I've started taking what I read with a grain of salt, I have enough other things in my life to worry about than is so-and-so insulting me?? If I post a question, it's a genuine one and I will take the varied opinions of all, because that's what I was looking for, a different view point. If something doesn't occur to me, can I get angry with the one who brought it to my attention? | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 10:05:13 PM |
However, just think of this: say you're in a conversation with someone, face to face, who has an opposite view of things from you, and can support their findings. Now, obviously, you do NOT have to agree with them, you are entitled to your own opinion. Face to face does offer the one advantage though of body language. When I type something, I'm thinking it the way that I say it. When someone else reads it, they interpret it the way that THEY would expect it to come out. If someone has a huge sarcastic side to them, or speaks with irony normally, this may not come accross in their posting, and it may appear that they are seriously bashing when they don't mean to. I've started taking what I read with a grain of salt, I have enough other things in my life to worry about than is so-and-so insulting me?? If I post a question, it's a genuine one and I will take the varied opinions of all, because that's what I was looking for, a different view point. If something doesn't occur to me, can I get angry with the one who brought it to my attention?
All good points to ponder. (Said with sincerity.)
I've seen people do this: /sarcasm to show that they were being sarcastic. That helps. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 10:39:20 PM | Ummmm I wasnt angry - just stating the obvious as it read to me as per my interpretation in this thread. I saw that he was using a broad sweeping all encompassing statement to adress a group of individuals and thought I would adress it as it was stated.
If it seemed angry to state my position - and no one else seemed angry stating theirs --- is there some other sort of font I should have used to make it seem friendlier?
While I dont know what post you are referring to - I came to this post because it was posted and I agree with the OP's position and positive delivery. I didnt realize it was a subthread or add on to another thread - I just responded to it for its own statement/merit.
While I did read M church's whole post here before I responded - I did not read anyone bashing men on this post at that point.
No I dont think men are shallow for not wanting to date single mothers - thats their preference - what I dont like is the stigma many people attach to single PARENTS without taking the time to realize that they all arent needy, helpless, stupid, love starved hoes who were misguided enough to spread their legs and conceive in an poor attempt to trap a man.
Why anyone would want to force/expect a man to date a single parent when he clearly doesnt want to is beyond me, its not like expecting him to be politically correct - there are children involved and why have someone around who has no interest in them if they arent his? That would be damaging to the children, and a waste of time for the parent ... in my opnion of course.
Last - who are you futureshock - did I adress you directly?
Why .. why would you feel the need to run shot gun for mchurch --- I believe he responded already .... no? I think he posted what he had to say, and although I applaud your sense of comradery - Im almost positive your services werent required. He had it covered - but thank you for attempting to put me in the place you presume I should be in ... I already was where I was supposed to be. Being me.
Cheers. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:08:01 PM |
If it seemed angry to state my position - and no one else seemed angry stating theirs --- is there some other sort of font I should have used to make it seem friendlier?
Not a font, but calling any group of people "blind, deaf and closed-minded" isn't exactly friendly, right?
But people who tend to stereotype others, and put them all into one basket on a glimpse --- also tend to be blind deaf and close minded
Just saying. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:31:11 PM |
No I dont think men are shallow for not wanting to date single mothers - thats their preference - what I dont like is the stigma many people attach to single PARENTS without taking the time to realize that they all arent needy, helpless, stupid, love starved hoes who were misguided enough to spread their legs and conceive in an poor attempt to trap a man.
I agree with you that too many different types of people get lumped together under the "single mother" label. It should be divided up into AT LEAST 3 groups, divorced parents, widowed parents, and unwed parents, where "unwed"would mean never married.
The only problem with that is the "unwed" category would lump in people who were in committed relationships when they had children but were not married in with people who were not in such relationships. This matters more to people in other countries than to people in the U.S., where people (in some other countries) have more stable unmarried partnerships than we do in the U.S. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 12:53:52 AM | | Hmmm... I haven't really had a chance to respond to anything, so I'll try to address this in one shot. Earlier in this thread some called me passive/aggressive by not calling people out of the closet. I'll say this... if you took offense to this thread then your probably who I'm speaking of. I didn't have to say a word. Also, no one called me out on being a single parent at all so far (personally anyway). Nor am I writing this in an attempt to demonize anyone. People are individuals and have a "Method to their madness" in delivery of a post or response. I just thought that maybe it would be better to recognize that in some of your attempts to help people... your doing more harm than good. The mind is a delicate thing, and in a forum where people seek advice and support there should be more respect to others feelings and psyche. There is no side agenda to writing this, just trying to state that people's emotions do matter and there is a tasteful way to express a point outside of some of what I've been reading on here. Not "Politically correct" just correct. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:15:34 AM | I just thought that maybe it would be better to recognize that in some of your attempts to help people... your doing more harm than good. The mind is a delicate thing, and in a forum where people seek advice and support there should be more respect to others feelings and psyche.~perfectcell~
Very well said...thanx for that much needed reminder to all of us.  | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 2:18:41 AM | Even tho I am single parent (no longer a single woman but thats secondary because I raise my older teen alone) I have posted in this forum way less than any other because of the negativity I have found here. It seems to be the last bastion of parent-bashing and I loathe that. It's all single mums Vs single dads... why doesn't group A like group B.... I don't understand why there is so much conflict here, but I do know I'm not going to be part of it.  | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 2:19:20 AM | | No doubt lizbeth2. It's just getting a little out of hand... I just read a post where people are talking about the laws of god when a young mother was just expressing her joy for her child. How could an argument possibly break out over that? What could there, first of all, be to argue about on that topic? I'm just seeing this is getting ridiculous... we should be trying to support one another and show the love that we would want shown to us. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:04:40 AM |
I know I'm new here, but one thing that I've noticed is that on the profiles you can see what people have posted in the forums. If you're very argumentative or earn a negative reputation on the forums does that affect your dating at all? Or does that get the people doing it more visitors to their profile?
Nope - not really. I actually posted some really out-there things in the past just as a social experiment, and I still got emails and propositions for booty calls.
I am an attractive, intelligent man with no kids, so I think I could post that I like to molest hampters or something in these forums, and still get emails.
Online dating is a meat market. I am not interested in it anymore. And there are no girls on this site who meet my standards within 200 miles anyway. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:55:27 AM | Everyone posts from thier own frame of reference. If someone has only had bad experiences dating a single parent, than that IS thier experience. The trouble starts when one camp will not acknowledge the others frame of reference.
Who cares? My life experiences do not change simply because someone posts that they dont believe it, or scoff at it. They dont have that power over me.
I am a single parent, and guess what...? There are lots of single parents I would never date. There are also lots of single men without kids I wont ever date. It is about thier acceptence of accountability that will either attract or repell me, not the fact that they have or dont have children. Like any collective group-there are single parents that make me proud, and ones who I am ashamed to be lumped in with.
You may not like everyone's opinions, but if you post on a public board, you have to know some azzhat will come along and disagree with you, and even try to belittle you. There are people like this everywhere. You need to learn how to hold your own head high and live your life by the rules you define and ignore the ones who try to pull you back. This is valuable in all aspects of life, not just dealing with forum posts. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:33:33 AM | lol this forum has been very useful to me as a new person on POF - I have noticed little tag teams, and groups who like to cause issue where there is none, being carefully "selective" of what/whom to make issue with. Some people are just here cause they like an argument, others are here because they want to preach, others are here because they feel inadequate and have the need to bring others down - thank goodness for posters like "Jenn" whom I dont know but clearly has a heart of gold.
While some people are apparently attached with children and yet seem to hang out in the single parent forums is beyond me - but when that interaction/participation is completely negative it really makes me wonder why an attached parent would hang out in the single parents forums if they have such negative opinions of single parents. There are other forums where things could be more entertaining.
I also see many who dont have children speaking so self righteously in the single parent forums, and while its a public forum, anyone can attend and participate Im not sure its a good idea to have such strong opinions about something one has never done/experienced.
I have lived now on both sides of the parental coin (married and single raising children) , and while being a parent is a big job in any lifestyle (if you take being a parent seriously) its extremely challenging/taxing as a single person with no support in the home other then yourself. Even mentally you dont have the peace of mind you do when you lay your head down at night with a partner beside you - if you die what will become of the children. Even that luxury isnt there - its a totally different experience.
Now people who are married with children, hopefully will have the compassion to realize their position of advantage and assist single parents the best they can, even if its only mental support, rather then throw harsh judgements, apply labels, and look down their noses at people who havent had a life which is "ideal".
Even in God's name - its not our place to judge others, nor hinder them, we are to support and assist when and where we can - ESPECIALLY with those who we think are the lowest, because if they truly are "low" compared to the rest, that would be sufficient to prove that they would need the help more then anyone else in the eyes of God. Its not a licence to attack them, or ostracize them. The bible, as far as my knowledege goes, is a guide to living well, doing right by yourself and others, it should NEVER be used to criticize, ostracize, belittle, or shame another. If that is what it is being used for - the person holding it should be the one checkin their faith, their nature, their own conscience.
The Bible is written so that even if you believe in your mind that someone is living wrong, or having it rough, or making misguided decisions, it is OUR JOB to ASSIST them as gracefully and well intentioned as we can as human beings.
OP - this has been a very educational thread for me - I have learned more about the nature of POF'ers then any other forum I have read, and while some of it was delightful, some of it was very sobering indeed. If I have said anything in your thread that created drama/adversary - understand it was unintentional and I mean no disrespect to you. I believe your thread was one of functional design, and although the ones who might need the message the most may not absorb it, there are at least others who support your position and applaud you still - for stating it.
I wish you well.
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:50:20 AM |
It's just getting a little out of hand... I just read a post where people are talking about the laws of god when a young mother was just expressing her joy for her child. How could an argument possibly break out over that? What could there, first of all, be to argue about on that topic? I'm just seeing this is getting ridiculous... we should be trying to support one another and show the love that we would want shown to us.
"People" meaning me. I really had hoped that you weren't directing this post at me, but now that you have informed us that I am one of the people you are talking about, I'll say what I've said several times. I hate it when people use anything as a way to displace responsibility. There is more to being a parent than being overjoyed when your baby smiles, or feeling like he or she is the most perfect little being you've ever laid eyes upon.
People in denial will never move forward.
You say we are doing more harm than good, but you have no cognitive way of knowing.
There are hundreds of people who read these threads that never respond, so the number of readers who take every opinion and direct at themselves could quite possibly be far less than the people who open their minds to reality, and possibly change the mind of someone thinking that being a single parent "rocks".
If you need love and support, you should find a support group. This is a public forum and it is indexed by Google. What the people who project how awesome it is to be a single parent don't realize is that other people read these threads and take from it what they want.
Just go do a search at the number of young people and single people actively trying to get pregnant, with or without the consent of their partners. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:28:36 AM | | Now that is what I'm talking about; people should only be able to click on this link if they have children. Thank you for this post as I was getting very frustrated from people's rude and distasteful comments on here, and it was refreshing to see someone actually have something intellectual to say | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 2:15:40 PM | "and the problem here isn't other single parents being negative to one another, its those who do not have children and who have no interest in becomming involved with those who have children comming onto the single parent forums constantly side tracking several threads bringing alot of negative b.s. and many negative stereotypes about their veiws on single parents."
But the number one question is usually a variation of "Why don't guys/girls date single Moms/Dads". And many, many times the question is asked by someone who wants( and feels that it is their entitlement) to have a single, unmarried, childless person.
Since many times, they want to hear the answer from the horse's mouth, it gets ugly when people remind these folks that they are 1)somewhat hypocritical/misguided in their "preferences (pot, kettle line one) 2)deny the fact that there ARE challenges to dating them and eventually their children. Are these challenges possible to work around? Yes. Is it easier to look for someone w/o these challenges. Yes. Are many people lazy(the old apple analogy)? Yes. | |
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