| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 2:27:11 PM |
people should only be able to click on this link if they have children.
As was pointed out already... these forums are can be found by Google... that means that anyone on the Internet may read them... including 10-20 year olds(for example) wondering if having a baby is good or bad... What we leave in these forums may affect people... and if it makes them think twice, even one person, then it could have helped someone not make a life changing mistake... | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:12:34 PM | OP brings up the thread where god was being talked of, that was because the OP in that thread made another post something about god , basically letting herself off the hook for her OWN decisions, if I recall rightly...
The discussion progressed w/out the OP for sometime, so it went on with the posters at that time.
As for OP and others here saying single non-parents should not speak..has it occured to you that some of us may have been parents, but are no longer due to death or divorce? | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:35:00 PM | I wasn't going to chime in on this forum much anymore for the simple reason that I feel that this particular forum topic has been derailed by people with hidden agendas, perhaps doing internet research or something.
Some people feel that making sweeping generalizations are ok and when you try to defend against the sweeping generalization, you get the response "If it upset you, it must be because it fits you" or my other fav "If you don't agree with me, there is something wrong with you because look at all the stats I have to prove my point".
Honestly, if you spend too much time in this forum topic, one of the following things can happen to you....
1. You will want to crawl into a dark hole and never dare believe you are worthy of love again because you are a single parent (if you already have low self-esteem).
2. You will get caught up in bs arguments with people who don't give a crap about how what they say may impact on someone else reading it and just get frustrated (that would be what happened to me).
3. You will say fvck you to in your mind and ignore the trolls.....(in which case, they just might go away and find another forum to fvck up).
4. You will see them as a source of entertainment (kinda like slowing down to see the wreck on the side of the road).
In any event, I have to wonder when the mods will do something about the trolls in here these days.......we all know who they are and we should simply ignore anything they have to say and like the bullies on the playground, they will eventually move on to try and victimize others. Remember trolls make comments for the purposes of engaging conflict...........one doesn't need to respond...let them hear crickets.....
OP - Thank you for saying what you have said so well. I am someone who prefers to try and lift people up (empower them) than to stomp on them, but then I don't need to put anyone else's life choices/circumstances down in order to feel good about my life. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:57:29 PM |
OP - Thank you for saying what you have said so well. I am someone who prefers to try and lift people up (empower them) than to stomp on them, but then I don't need to put anyone else's life choices/circumstances down in order to feel good about my life.
As much as I've seen my share of posters stomp on others, I've also seen plenty of posters discuss reality and truth and end up being beaten up because they didn't pat the OP on the back and tell them that everything will turn up peaches and lollipops. I can't tell you the amount of threads I've seen that involve young mothers who are pregnant again with a different daddy and have no money (that's just one example). It's so frustrating that I just want to shake them and tell them to wake up. If all they hear is "your a wonderful person and everything is going to be just fine", then how do you suppose they'll make the necessary changes they need to make in order to get back on track? If they don't hear the truth, then they won't learn from any mistakes they have made and hopefully won't keep repeating them.
Who says this place HAS to be all roses and butterflies anyways? A little heated discussion has never hurt anyone. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:14:48 PM | You know something hooked, there is a difference between being supportive and enabling. I am honest with people who post on this forum and when I see crap, I call it crap but I don't do it in a mean and condescending way like some folks do.
When I see the posters looking for sympathy, I tend to ignore them. Sometimes though I will come to their defense if people are being just plain nasty and rude.
Everyone has their own unique way of posting...some people come into these forums I'm sure to vent their frustration with their life and attack people who remind them of someone they know they don't like or are pissed at or for what they perceive are the ills of society.
You can speak the truth....without being vicious and cruel...... | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:17:28 PM |
In any event, I have to wonder when the mods will do something about the trolls in here these days.......we all know who they are and we should simply ignore anything they have to say and like the bullies on the playground, they will eventually move on to try and victimize others. Remember trolls make comments for the purposes of engaging conflict...........one doesn't need to respond...let them hear crickets.....
It depends too on how you define trolls..
Your approach, "simply ignore", is perfect for those who don't want to hear the truth... no matter what.... or for those who simply find the truth painful.... or those who just prefer to have their "truth" agree with what they already think....
I still find it fascinating that no one offers to counter the "truths" with logical rational arguments.... but rather to 'bash' or 'ignore' or otherwise try and make it go away so it won't be unpleasant.... they'd rather get pablum instead.... | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:21:19 PM |
You can speak the truth....without being vicious and cruel......
Now there's an aggrandizement!
Remember trolls make comments for the purposes of engaging conflict...........one doesn't need to respond...let them hear crickets.....
So this thread was written by a troll, right? | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:56:06 PM | | what i dont get is why nobody is standing back to think about this: sit there and bash the single parents all you want, making them sound like they are all fools who F***d up their lives and made horrible stupid mistakes by your standards and need to hear the truth from some random stranger on the internet who clearly has never made errors in judgement in their lives. Clearly any single parent will tell you ITS HARD!!! we know this, we acknowledge this, it is never ideal to be doing it alone, though for one reason or another and because of all kinds of different circumstances we find ourselves in these positions. Those who did make poor judgement calls which ended them up in these positions know it, and have more than likely come to terms with it, have gotten flack from a million and one people already and don't need to hear it anymore. Those with other circumstances rather than their own choices landing them in their spots, they too have had to deal with it....its the past.You want so badly for people to move on yet you consistantly bring them down to the facts they have already faced making them sound like unrealistic losers who don't stand a chance with their own logic and experience. Whoever mentioned on here parents talking about how being a single parent rocks and loving to see your childs smile and them being the best little person ever, give me a break, at some point after being put in such a difficult situation in life, a silver lining has to be seen and recognized in order to regain happiness and move on with life, hopefully for the betterment of themselves. But to each their own, no one and i mean NO ONE is any better than anyone else because of how their lives came about versus another. I absolutely hate the people who criticize single parents as being stuck in some sort of thought process that means we are all one type of person and only have one outcome in life to look forward to. If you want to help, help, but stop acting like we will never do it without you throwing in your harsh criticisms about how horrible we are because we have children alone and how we are ruining the youth of the world, because that is ignorant and just downright rude to basically call someone a bad parent with no morals or respect for their child. And before anyone of you jump on me for this, I am very well aware that their are some people out there who don't parent well by the laws standards, and probably shouldnt have kids. But again we are talking about mass grouping ppl based on one set of characteristics...the same way i know some of you are not out to be rude, simply trying to say something thought provoking to spark conversation...i will not lump you in with the people being downright rude, so dont lump me in with a bunch of parents who choose not to parent or respect their child and dont want to better themselves because I am not any of those things and I am better than you give me any credit for by grouping me with them. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:33:37 PM |
As was pointed out already... these forums are can be found by Google...
Yep, that is exactly how I stumbled upon this site..
that means that anyone on the Internet may read them... including 10-20 year olds(for example) wondering if having a baby is good or bad... What we leave in these forums may affect people... and if it makes them think twice, even one person, then it could have helped someone not make a life changing mistake...
Excellent point. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:36:38 PM |
As was pointed out already... these forums are can be found by Google... that means that anyone on the Internet may read them... including 10-20 year olds(for example) wondering if having a baby is good or bad... What we leave in these forums may affect people... and if it makes them think twice, even one person, then it could have helped someone not make a life changing mistake...
Is the reason why I believe parents should monitor very closely what their children are doing on the computer. The computer should be in a common living area -- not a bedroom. Parents need to teach their children the consequences of the decisions that they make in life.
But what about the other side of the coin what about the woman that is in an abusive relationship and worried that if she leaves her husband/partner that she might not be able to handle being a single parent. My concern about these forums is for the woman who is in a "bad relationship". We have all had at least one bad relationship. At times one can feel trapped like there is no way out.
There should be some hope and optimism for the single parent. Now if a parent finds themselves in a situation where the other parent is harmful to the child they need to remove their child from that environment. They need to not be afraid of being alone and fearing negative stereotypes but rather focus on what is best for their child. Cycles of violence need to be broken. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:40:24 PM | As much as I've seen my share of posters stomp on others, I've also seen plenty of posters discuss reality and truth and end up being beaten up because they didn't pat the OP on the back and tell them that everything will turn up peaches and lollipops. I can't tell you the amount of threads I've seen that involve young mothers who are pregnant again with a different daddy and have no money (that's just one example). It's so frustrating that I just want to shake them and tell them to wake up. If all they hear is "your a wonderful person and everything is going to be just fine", then how do you suppose they'll make the necessary changes they need to make in order to get back on track? If they don't hear the truth, then they won't learn from any mistakes they have made and hopefully won't keep repeating them.
Who says this place HAS to be all roses and butterflies anyways? A little heated discussion has never hurt anyone.
They also hear that all they have to do is love their child lots and lots, and that makes someone a great parent. That's it. There is rarely a discussion about reality, as in who is going to foot the bill?
You know something hooked, there is a difference between being supportive and enabling. I am honest with people who post on this forum and when I see crap, I call it crap but I don't do it in a mean and condescending way like some folks do.
When I see the posters looking for sympathy, I tend to ignore them. Sometimes though I will come to their defense if people are being just plain nasty and rude.
Everyone has their own unique way of posting...some people come into these forums I'm sure to vent their frustration with their life and attack people who remind them of someone they know they don't like or are pissed at or for what they perceive are the ills of society.
You can speak the truth....without being vicious and cruel......
One person's idea of being vicious and cruel is another person's idea of simply stating the truth. It is usually the person being questioned who views other people's opinions as being "vicious and cruel".
I still find it fascinating that no one offers to counter the "truths" with logical rational arguments.... but rather to 'bash' or 'ignore' or otherwise try and make it go away so it won't be unpleasant.... they'd rather get pablum instead....
I also wonder why that doesn't happen. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:53:54 PM | The way i see it, Nellie Furtado and Harriet Ball could show up here as single moms and get bashed just the same.
Actually, maybe some here should read the book " Work hard, be nice" lots of good info on how to really help people. read up on Harriet Ball, this single mom has a thing or three to teach all of us.
You can do all the bashing you want, but please, don't kid yourself that you are doing it for the good of others
"We only truly learn from those we love" Goethe | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:24:01 PM | perfectcell1718 - Thank you so much for your original post and comments. I hope you don't feel that your efforts are for nothing. I tried (and failed) to address the negativity in the single parents forum last week. You have done a much better job and I applaud your well-spoken gentle strength in doing that. I'm so glad you posted here and brought something positive and beautiful back to the single parents forum. Thank you for offering your support and I offer my support to you too. 
Single parents rock!!!!!!  | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:51:43 AM | aggrandizement? WTF does that mean bosox? If you have something to say about me, feel free to share your opinion, you are entitled to it.
So this thread was written by a troll, right?
If you want to know how big fish defines a troll, why don't you peruse the forum rules for the definition that applies to this site. In fact, you might want to read the forum rules period. I have so at least when I violate them, I know I am violating them....just sayin'....
By the way bosox, you do realize you are a single parent right? I mean you are not married to the father of your child. Those people who generalize about single moms are talking about you too.... ...you can agree with them and you know what? That makes you look just as bad as them, worse actually. That you consistently kiss their butt is not unnoticed, nor is it irrelevant. You can try as hard as you want to distance yourself from the "stereotype" but it will be a battle you will continue to fight until you are safely married to the father of your child. You've only been a single mom for a couple of years, come back in 10-12 years of single motherhood and I can guarantee your attitude towards these trolls will be quite different. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 4:55:46 AM | | I think this should be said. We as single parents already know that part of our human needs are not being met. We all desire to have a loving, stable relationship with the opposite sex. For one reason or another it didn't work out, and we are looking for someone suitable for us. Remember this is a dating website. ah-hem. So yeah sometimes it sucks being a single parent. That doesn't mean that we should be clositered for the rest of our natural lives, because our parnter and ourselves didn't work out. If this post seems strained it is because I am trying to use the right words for a complex set of emotions. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:19:23 AM | | aw soldier....I was in the grocery store the other day and saw some poptarts and thought of you...and started to laugh...people gave me weird looks. I miss those poptarts analogies of yours...they were great comic relief in this forum. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:25:44 AM | You do realize that single parents have centred themselves out simply by having your own special forum? There are tons of better places to get advice from other than this site and you would avoid a vast amount of grief. The simple fact that you want the negativity to stop is in itself yet another form of undeserved entitlement.
There should just be a primer for all new single parents to read instead of exposing themselves to ridicule. There isn't a week that passes that some young girl or newly separated mom asks the exact same question expecting a different answer.
That is a sign of insanity. As was said by someone else many a maury povich lifestyle could be avoided if some of you would pass this new found knowledge onto the next generation of single moms instead of glorifying it.
The stigma is gone but that doesn't make the choice any easier and doesn't gaurantee success.
If every time a fact shows a trend and the best some of you can do is say it won't happen, it doesn't help.
I think deep down that most detractors of single parents are not wishing you would fail but keeping the child is easy until reality sets in, then it gets hard and for some very hard. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:32:22 AM | Honestly this is the only place I get greif about being a single parent, from the general public. I guess people are more secure with the written word, then having the ballocks to say it to my face.
Have you thought that this might be a way for single parents to meet each other, considering that they have the parenting thing in common. Meeting a mom at the play ground has potential hazards. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:21:33 AM | ^^^^^^^I get what you are saying but most of the threads are questions that are ripe for ridicule. You don't see a nice guy/girl forum and we see the same idiotic repetitive questions from them too.
And for the most part many of the single parents here have an education and can afford the single parent lifestyle.
What burns many detractors here are is that by the simple fact of keeping a child doors open up for them because our society has a built in safety net that affords them a roof over their head. Educational opportunities that help them better their lives simply because they kept a child, the same can't be said for those that didn't decide live that way.
Same with NCP's who are forced to work while their ex goes to school, it is that kind of info that perhaps is best kept quiet. I am not saying all do but the evidence is quite clearly there that it does seem a little biased.
I have personal experience with this in that I am looking to take advantage of the second career initiative to upgrade my skills because of being laid off. What is holding it up the most is child support and the amount of time it takes to rearrange that issue.
It has forced me to miss two start dates already to the point where I could have already been more than half way finished meanwhile my arrears have been accumulating and none of this should be happening but our current set of family laws isn't really looking out for the ncp's only the primary care givers. That in most cases is still the mothers and I am most likely not the only one currently facing this kind of roadblock.
So like I said before by centreing yourselves out by having your own forum on a free dating site gives many that are most likely more frustrated than myself ample opportunity to vent on those that see what is transpiring causing the rampant bashing that you all wish to avoid.
Oh and gadgetdoc if you think this is the only place where people vent about single parents then you don't read too many forums. Try having a look at cbc.ca or even oprah.com. Every time a single parent subject show or a news story breaks there are many that express themselves about the trend towards single parenting.
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:25:10 AM | I disagree that only parents should be posting here. Single people are affected by single parents in dating.
Sometimes a single man/woman w/out kids may want to post about the dilemma they are having while dating a sinle parent...or an OP asks why they cannot meet decent people and why childless ones seem not interested.
Any parent knows, the job they are doing has an affect on society in general, raising future leaders etc...and childless people are in this mix too, if they become involved with parents.
I like seeing the perspective of many different people, and if this was just for parents I would only see one slant. That would be boring. | |
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| Time for a showdown with the negative ones...
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:38:34 AM |
"We only truly learn from those we love" Goethe
This is the internet, a forum on a website... there's no love here. Even if you think it's love... it's just a person behind a monitor screen who can be anybody they want to be.
You can do all the bashing you want, but please, don't kid yourself that you are doing it for the good of others
You can read all the "you go girl" posts and the "your an amazing mom just the way you are" posts, but please, don't kid yourself that your actually doing as good of a job as you think you are.
It's so easy to absorb only the info that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, but as we all know, it's usually the stuff that doesn't make you feel as good, that you should be taking a longer look at. | |
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