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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:26:43 PM |
It seems like half the posts assume that all dates lead to relationships. I'm not talking about becoming serious with someone you are not attracted to, I'm talking about going out and having a good time. Just maybe the reason so many are on this site is that they have forgotten how to just have a good time with people, and are all caught up in finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Guess what 99% of the women or men you meet aren't going to be perfect for you, to me saying that you wouldn't waste your time going on a date with someone that wasn't perfect for you is like cutting off you nose to spite your face
TK, remember the commercial "How many ways can you eat a Reese peanut butter cup"?
It seem you want to convince people they are dating all wrong, and that those who want to find that perfect person are not getting the man/woman they want because of their dating style.
This I would disagree with, because each person is entitled to their dating style, and whether you, I or Fifi, or anyone else for that matter thinks how a person's dating style is skewed really doesn't matter.
I can tell you that it is NOT FUN when you have a date with someone that came across as a relatively normal person, and when you met the vibrational cringe factor raised 50%, and by the end of 15 minutes it was maxed out to where you wanted to sneak out the door.
That is not fun, nor is there any way to really enjoy that kind of experience. What is even worse is when said no longer "normal" person starts demanding to go home with you, because you BOTH are attracted to each other, and after all he did buy a soda for me... (vomit coming up the throat at this point)
To make matters even worse he jumps into your vehicle after he makes it seem he just wants to say something without the glass between you, and really starts getting freaky...
THIS BY THE WAY is an actual date, and one I will probably tell my grand kids about if I ever get any.
I am sure there isn't a single person on here that doesn't have a few "dates from hell", which took the meaning of hanging out alone at home, vs hanging with someone that is far from describable.
It can be argued well why didn't you know this BEFORE you met these people... ONCE AGAIN, some people can come across so "relatively normal" that some of us average folk give them a chance, much to our chagrin after the fact.
I am all for the fun dates, have had many, have had guys who let me know they were sampling the buffet, and I had been at that stage myself. Had a really great time a lot of the times.
I will not say though that people who are very serious about finding the one, feel like they haven't wasted their time, when things don't spark at the first meet. Sad, because their expectations of a first meet aren't realistic, and the dating process is more of a mission for love, and or getting laid.
Are they wrong??? I don't know, not how I approached dating, but once again I am me, and I view life a tad differently than others. I don't know how people know with out meeting whether they would have chemistry or not, once again it is a personal choice I won't knock someone else for having.
The really great thing about living in a democracy is that people can have different opinions, and don't have to worry about being castigated into some box, as being wrong, thereby not knowing how to do things right, and needing to change there thinking.
As long as we all have freedom to believe how we want, I am going to let others be, while I am the eclectic me, and feel good I am not going to be labeled for my beliefs...
Cheers  | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:19:04 PM | | it is not a waste of time...becuase you can be ttheir friend, if they are nice ....or the atttraction is developed...but after a while if there is no attraction you need to be honest.....unfortunately i find there are too many people here that play games | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:36:59 PM | | If a man and I are seeing each other to have fun and no romantic feelings are there, then he is called a friend at that point, not a date. If I am dating someone he and I have romantic feelings for each other, we are friends, but there is also the lust factor there, along with being attracted to each other's personality, etc. I have tried to date men when there is no romantic connection, and it does not work for me in the long run. For me it seemed to fail because I was not attracted to his personality, or he felt that he was not attracted to me physically, and though he was attracted to my personality, the relationship ended since both of us were not going to waste out time doing things for fun, as we could do the same things with friends, when we were both looking for romantic partners. (reflecting on one situation in particular) | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 9:26:06 PM |
It seems like half the posts assume that all dates lead to relationships. I'm not talking about becoming serious with someone you are not attracted to, I'm talking about going out and having a good time.
OP ... I see your point and completely agree. Most of the answers you have had assume that you are "dating" these people ... and not just getting together on a casual basis. Just because you've met someone on a "dating" site ... doesn't mean that you will want to "date" everyone you meet. But, you can meet interesting people that you can get together with, occasionally, to dance, or go to movies, or parties, etc. ... and not feel the pressure or obligations of a "romantic" connection.
It is possible, and actually enjoyable, to have these people in your life.
It means you can call them up and arrange a mutually enjoyable activity for both of you without feeling that you have to make a quick exit or false promises at the end of the night.
Don't let anyone tell you that continuing to connect with people you have met through a dating website that you wouldn't "marry" is a bad thing. It is VERY possible to make good friendships on a dating website.
IMHO.
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:56:01 AM | I have mixed feelings on this one. Part of the reason I don't date anymore is that I'm TIRED of going out with men I'm not attracted to. It isn't fun when the feeling isn't mutual and most of the time no matter how nice I am, they get offended. I've met several really nice men in the past and although I had absolutely no attraction to them physically..I liked them as people and would have loved to be friends. Unfortunately, they were physically attracted to me and wanted a romantic relationship. It wouldn't be fair to them to continue the friendship, knowing I don't feel the same way about them.
I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that no, I don't think spending time with someone that I"m not attracted to is a waste of time if they aren't attracted to me! If we both realize that we are only friends and never will be more, I'm ok with that.!! I have many friends of the opposite sex. If I meet someone and they want more and I don't, then yes....that is a waste of time. Not only for me, but for them also. It isn't quite as fun.
And OP: Attraction is chemistry, doesn't always have to do with looks. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:33:48 AM | One can be attracted to various people in very different ways --- one of the weaknesses in the time is a commodity and anything that distracts from the singular mission of finding the one perfect mate is a useless distraction theorem is that it fails to recognize this quite obvious fact. One person might be intellectually fascinating -- while another might be physically enticing or a joy to be with because of their charm spontaneity or attitude...
To think one person will be the embodiment of all that is desirable and captivating is a much too narrow view and leads to frustration and rejection. It is like thinking one person can be your doctor, mechanic, dentist, home contractor, electrician, hair stylist, therapist real estate broker, professor, financial planner, accountant, cook, housekeeper and lawyer -- that model would lead to very badly done services across the board. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:37:58 AM |
One can be attracted to various people in very different ways --- one of the weaknesses in the time is a commodity and anything that distracts from the singular mission of finding the one perfect mate is a useless distraction theorem is that it fails to recognize this quite obvious fact. One person might be intellectually fascinating -- while another might be physically enticing or a joy to be with because of their charm spontaneity or attitude...
To think one person will be the embodiment of all that is desirable and captivating is a much too narrow view and leads to frustration and rejection. It is like thinking one person can be your doctor, mechanic, dentist, home contractor, electrician, hair stylist, therapist real estate broker, professor, financial planner, accountant, cook, housekeeper and lawyer -- that model would lead to vary badly done services across the broad.
I disagree completely. Many men and women carry all of these desirable traits. It's just a matter of what you are willing to live without. If a man or woman is dissatisfied in a partner that does not meet or exceed all of their expectations, they will continue to look for someone who does. It is better this person is alone than to stay with someone unhappily. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:48:23 AM | "I have mixed feelings on this one. Part of the reason I don't date anymore is that I'm TIRED of going out with men I'm not attracted to. It isn't fun when the feeling isn't mutual and most of the time no matter how nice I am, they get offended. I've met several really nice men in the past and although I had absolutely no attraction to them physically..I liked them as people and would have loved to be friends. Unfortunately, they were physically attracted to me and wanted a romantic relationship. It wouldn't be fair to them to continue the friendship, knowing I don't feel the same way about them. "
This is a really sad attitude that some women have. There are many women in my life that I have been attracted to and could easilly be just her friend, but it entirely depends on her behvior. Some women lack the capactiy to be simply friendly. They have this overwhelming need to be flirtatious. This for me is very frustrating. I can be just friends with a women I am attracted to, but I can't if she is constantly flirting with me. Ladies you won't lead us on if your are careful with your behavior. Stop behaving in such a way that you give us hope that there might be more possible. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:52:49 AM | This is a really sad attitude that some women have. There are many women in my life that I have been attracted to and could easilly be just her friend, but it entirely depends on her behvior. Some women lack the capactiy to be simply friendly. They have this overwhelming need to be flirtatious. This for me is very frustrating. I can be just friends with a women I am attracted to, but I can't if she is constantly flirting with me. Ladies you won't lead us on if your are careful with your behavior. Stop behaving in such a way that you give us hope that there might be more possible.
This is probably more a case of a guy who's into a woman taking normal friendliness as flirting than a woman who wants to be no more than a guy's friend flirting with him.
WomanInProgress, a simple solution:
if you want a guy to be just your friend, learn about him. Find out what he considers to be flirting and adjust accordingly. And, I am sorry, but what I am talking about is very blatant. Constant toughing and giggling and teasing etc. This is obvious flirting and it enccourages a guy if he finds her attractive. Some of these women have a very selfish attitude: "I can behave any way I want and it is up to him to adjust. Oh, but I still want you as my friend."
Sounds like a lot of work for a friendship. Then again, I have female friends I joke with and tease just as much as I would a guy. How about a guy makes clear what he's not good at dealing with so she knows? Makes much more sense...
To most women, friendship is friendship, so after it's been made clear it's assumed nothing would be misinterpreted. Again, moreso if you have attraction to a person you will take things differently than you would if you weren't. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:57:12 AM | Define 'going out with'...Do you mean going out with as friends? If so, there's nothing wrong with it and it's not a waste of time. You aren't attracted to the person hence them just being friends.
IF you were meaning 'dating' someone you weren't attracted to it's a waste of both parties time. Unless, YOU are getting something out of dating them, ie. a roll in the hay, a great bj, whatever. In that case it would be very selfish of you....
But in retrospect if you are sleeping with someone you aren't attracted to then you are doing yourself and them an injustice and are very selfish. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:58:01 AM | WomanInProgress, a simple solution:
if you want a guy to be just your friend, learn about him. Find out what he considers to be flirting and adjust accordingly. And, I am sorry, but what I am talking about is very blatant. Constant toughing and giggling and teasing etc. This is obvious flirting and it enccourages a guy if he finds her attractive. Some of these women have a very selfish attitude: "I can behave any way I want and it is up to him to adjust. Oh, but I still want you as my friend."
Think carefully about how your behavior effects people if you expect that person to adjust and accomodate your own needs. This applies equally to the OP. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:14:13 AM | I guess I'm amazed that anybody would be flirty with someone to whom they are not attracted. This IS selfish and cruel.
Not only that, but how could they even want the result: the romantic/sexual attention of someone who doesn't interest them in return?
I could never do that. I wouldn't want to contend with Wannabeau Joe's belief that I'm giving him the green light. Talk about creating a hassle! Not to mention how unfair it would be to him if, once I recognized what he thought I was doing, I continued because I wanted free rides, presents, meals and drinks.
I know some people do this. It stinks, and I feel bad for anybody who's been used this way.
The OP asks why going out with someone you're not attracted to is a waste of time: it depends on if they want more than you do. If it's a mutual non-attraction, enjoy the platonic company and don't worry about it.
Just don't lead people on. That's mean. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:03:48 AM | | Spending and enjoying time with someone you're not attracted to is called being a friend (with or without benefits). Its only wasting time if you stop looking and settle for that when you actually want something more. And its worse than wasting time if the other person isn't aware you're not attracted to them and perhaps thinks the relationship is more than it is. Then you're not only wasting their time, but also not being a friend. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:26:06 AM | "Sounds like a lot of work for a friendship. Then again, I have female friends I joke with and tease just as much as I would a guy. How about a guy makes clear what he's not good at dealing with so she knows? Makes much more sense..."
Why should he adjust to you? You are the one who is setting the limit. You are the one who just wants him as your friend. It is up to you to accomodate his limitations. If you can't, it is you who are weak, and it is you who should move on.
Give me one good reason why I would want you as my friend if you are first going to dictate the terms and then demand that I adjust to you.
Sorry, your attitude is very selfish. I choose not to be friends with women who behave this way. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 12:18:06 PM | "This is a really sad attitude that some women have. There are many women in my life that I have been attracted to and could easilly be just her friend, but it entirely depends on her behvior. Some women lack the capactiy to be simply friendly. They have this overwhelming need to be flirtatious. This for me is very frustrating. I can be just friends with a women I am attracted to, but I can't if she is constantly flirting with me. Ladies you won't lead us on if your are careful with your behavior. Stop behaving in such a way that you give us hope that there might be more possible."
You don't even know me, so how can you say that I am flirtatious? I don't give men hope, most of the time I tell them right out that I don't think we'd be a good romantic match, but I'd love to be friends. I've gotten laughter, rude comments and guys who still insisted on trying to kiss me and shove their tongues down my throat!
I agree, that many women do act flirtatious and lead men on, but don't assume something of someone that you don't know.
Do you know that men lead us on too? | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 12:19:58 PM | | You can enjoy the company of people you don't find particularly attractive, but I think dating someone you don't find attractive is a little bit crazy, and people usually only do this because of insecurity or for money (which isn't a particularly good reason), and it's not really fair on the person you don't find attractive to keep them dangling just because you mildly prefer their company to a night in front of the telly. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 12:45:23 PM | | I think it all comes down to what your trying to get out of your dating life. If your just trying to socialize, have a good time...then that type of casual dating is fine. Personally, I just look for a friend when I date, keeping expectations low, that way if anything substantial happens its icing on the cake. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 12:49:37 PM |
Why should he adjust to you? You are the one who is setting the limit. You are the one who just wants him as your friend. It is up to you to accomodate his limitations. If you can't, it is you who are weak, and it is you who should move on.
If you see communicating with someone about what bothers you as having to adjust, then I don't know what to tell you. If you're assuming a girl you're friends with is deliberately flirting then call her on it. If you like being a victim, fine. If you don't like her personality, don't accept the friendship.
It's not done on anyone's terms, which is sort of what a friendship is about. Maybe the situations you're dealing with aren't friendships really?
Give me one good reason why I would want you as my friend if you are first going to dictate the terms and then demand that I adjust to you.
Describe exactly who dictated terms and who demanded what - I missed that part. Literally, I mean, yes. If someone does something that bothers you and you don't have the balls to address it, don't blame someone else for it.
If I was friends with a guy I was attracted to but learned he wanted only friendship, I'd KNOW nothing he did from that point on was anything other than friendly since he told me that was the deal and all. ME seeing it any other way would be MY problem, not his. If he OFFERED friendship, it's MY decision to accept that as it is - and terms aren't part of the deal, since I usually know people well enough when I do accept their friendship that I know what they're already like.
You know, that's why I say yes to it - I already dig the terms, and usually I agree with em, see?
If you do this blindly knowing nothing about someone, again - your problem.
Sorry, your attitude is very selfish. I choose not to be friends with women who behave this way.
You're absolutely right. From now on everyone you come in contact with should double check everything they do and say to make sure it doesn't get misinterpreted by you, lest they be blamed for not representing their particular place in life as you see it. | |
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