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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:24:42 PM |
It seems like half the posts assume that all dates lead to relationships. I'm not talking about becoming serious with someone you are not attracted to, I'm talking about going out and having a good time. Just maybe the reason so many are on this site is that they have forgotten how to just have a good time with people, and are all caught up in finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Guess what 99% of the women or men you meet aren't going to be perfect for you, to me saying that you wouldn't waste your time going on a date with someone that wasn't perfect for you is like cutting off you nose to spite your face
I think what you have to realise is that we don't expect every date to lead to a relationship, but what most people are really looking for at the end of the day is a happy and fulfilled relationship, and the odds are stacked up higher against that happening if we all waste our time dating people we know we don't find in the least bit attractive, rather than saving our time for those we feel we might possibly be attracted to. I can't imagine why anyone would want to date someone who didn't find them attractive anyway, I know I certainly wouldn't. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:36:03 PM | if you are not attracted to someone DONT EVEN BOTHER TO MEET THEM OR CALL THEM!!!! we are grown-ups here we all know what we are atracted to by the time we are in our teens, avoid profiles with no photos, now if somone has a missleading photo then its THEIR FAULT when the sparks dont fly.
actually talk about a wide range of subjects on the phone before you even think about meeting, talk politics, religion, social issues, music, movies etc etc in other words get inside each others head BEFORE meeting. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:38:41 PM | Ive read your original post again and some of your replies just to be sure I didnt misread nor misunderstand what you trying to say.
I think I got your points ..yes, its not a waste of time (for just one time)going out and having fun to the one who youre NOT attracted with.But being said NOT ATTRACTED WITH is negative words..as if for me, I interpreted like this way"wow, he goes out with me but he isnt attracted to me".I think its better to say that you dont believe that its a waste of time going out with someone with the opposite sex without feelings involve.May it be an acquitances,just meet while youre out for the day/or night .
But OP for me,I couldnt stay going out with a man for a long period of time,ill get tired--I just cant dance night away with the opposite sex for the "meantime",because I have nothing to do or because its better than staying home and get bored.
Its kind of waste of time for me,because Im with him rather than taking my chances to look around to the one I like.
For me,I feel stuck, I will not be happy hanging out with a guy,probably enjoying the moment but at the end of fun things...im still empty.
lol..ya know what..i dont know ..... bottom line..I dont want to spend time with someone that Im not attracted with even just for pure fun.I cant see myself why I have to hang out with a guy that I dont feel anything with him. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:45:15 PM | OP,
I totally agree with you. I also enjoy socializing. People I enjoy have nothing to do if they are "hot" or not. Actually, I normally find that I have a much better time with "normal" people that are not so superficial. But then again, sometimes extremely good looking people do not have an attitude, and just want to enjoy life too.
However, I have found for the most part , that most of the men I meet here, usually have the goal of sex and arm candy ( the ego boost) in their brain. They are out for those things and don`t look at life as enjoying different aspects of life. They are in it to score with a hottie . I think alot depends on if you really like interacting with women conversationally or not. For the men that compartmentalize and only want to hang with the guys, and women are only good for sex, domestic uses, and money, they aren`t going to enjoy the other stuff. They put no value in it. I`ve met both kinds and prefer men like you. Unfortunately, they are in the minority. That`s why I bytch so much. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 2:02:12 PM | This is based on some of the comments about how people ought to check their behaviour to prevent others from reading things into it .. I think that's unrealistic and unfair. I don't tailor my conduct to what I think others might THINK I mean. How would I know how some guy is going to perceive me unless he tells me what he thinks? I'm not responsible for someone else's perspective. I can only do my best to be honest and decent. The rest is a crap shoot.
Here's something I do that helps me immensely in such vague situations: I presume that *whatever is not told to is me not a fact*, and I am not responsible to understand what I am not told. It doesn't matter what I sense or interpret, and might actually observe on my own. It's 'unofficial' and as such I'm not accountable to it. T'is very liberating ...
Here's a fictional example ...
Say a man I'm friends with, Vinnie, is harbouring stronger interest in me, but ACTS like he's fine with being just buddies, then I call him on whatever he does out of context; for instance, say we're out for coffee, and my other friend Todd shows up with a big hug for me. Todd is someone I hang out with on a different level: I perk up around Todd.
I don't have that response to Vinnie, tho' we get along all right in enough ways that we can stay friends, as I'm led to believe, of course: see, I've already had 'that' discussion with Vinnie in the past, and he claimed he was okay with just being friends. That's his choice to accept me on those terms, and I never flirt with him. If he wants to keep my company, again it's his choice. Maybe he's hoping it will change in time .. or not: I'd be presumptuous and arrogant to think he's trying to get with me after we reached our 'apparent' agreement.
So let's say Vinnie now gets mad at me when Todd shows up. He doesn't say it but the vibe immediately nosedives, and for the rest of our coffee time, Vinnie is snarky. I want to leave now so I say "see you later, Vin, take care." (I bought my own coffee, btw) Todd has already gone. I didn't leave for Todd. I wasn't being gushy or obvious with Todd; we said 'hi, how's it going, email me later' or something. We probably laughed. We're always laughing about something.
Vinnie doesn't laugh much. A chortle now and then is about it, but I've known Vinnie for years and he became someone I can get coffee with sometimes, but it never had dating potential. At least not for me.
SO... now Vinnie's mad at me. He picks fights, leaves snarky messages & texts, and basically I've had enough. I'm ready to sack this. I ask him one day,
"hey, are you okay? You seemed really annoyed when Todd stopped by to say hi. What's up with that?"
Vinnie says
"I just can't help noticing how much you light up around Todd, but you're not ever that way with me. I'm jealous because I wish you would think of me that way."
See, now THIS is the *fact* I needed to to be told. He's just admitted to having feelings that upset him when I talk to other guys. Okay, now we have something to work with.
.."Vinnie, I am really flattered, you know that, but we already talked about it a while ago. It sounded then like you were okay with being just friends, but I can see that's not the case. You're obviously bothered by my attention to Todd."
Vinnie: "yeah, I thought it would be easier for you to think of me as a friend and then over time we could get closer and you'd see how much I care."
Me: "I do see that. I appreciate it, and I'm sorry it's not how I feel for you in return. It's probably better if we stop hanging out this way then. I don't want to date you, not ever, and you deserve someone who's interested in you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember, this is fiction. It's actually how I WISH things could be discussed: openly and without games. Anyway, what did I say to Todd later? .. fictitiously, of course:
"hey, Todd: my coffee friend thinks we're going together. What do you think of that?"
***Todd: "Well, I can't really answer that right now, at least not on the phone. Let's get a pizza tomorrow and figure things out, ok?"
____________________________________________________________
***... Dang, it's just fictitious.
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 2:07:32 PM |
totally agree with you. I also enjoy socializing. People I enjoy have nothing to do if they are "hot" or not. Actually, I normally find that I have a much better time with "normal" people that are not so superficial. But then again, sometimes extremely good looking people do not have an attitude, and just want to enjoy life too.
It is not about being 'hot', it is about being 'attracted' to someone. I'm personally usually attracted to chunky, bald men (which is not everyone's typical idea of 'hot', but it's mine). What I really can't understand is why you would want to date someone who you knew didn't find you attractive? Maybe trying to convince people they should feel guilty for not fancying 'normal' (in your words) people is part of the problem. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 2:24:10 PM | | ^^^^^ because some people would prefer a vibrant group of both male and female friends, may hang out with a few people of the opposite sex, without it "going" anywhere besides friendship, and are okay with that. Some people just enjoy members of the opposite sex for qualities in their personality , even if you know they would not be a good match. I know, if you are not oriented in this way, it is impossible for you to fathom, if you are constantly on some "quest" for the "one". I`m not on that quest. I try to look at life as a little more abstract than that. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 2:49:45 PM |
I guess I'm amazed that anybody would be flirty with someone to whom they are not attracted. This IS selfish and cruel. Just don't lead people on. That's mean.
Here's the crux of the problem. If a person is really into another, that isn't into them, then they will silently hope and wish for that other person to be interested. They take and over analyze each movement, because they are desperately trying to find an in of any kind, that says, he/she's into me.
Therefore when nothing happens, they very often get pissed, complain they have been lead on, and it has all been a waste of time, simply because they didn't take the time to meet other people, because they were hoping something they did would change the other persons mind about then as being a friend, to being romantic interest.
IE: If I am comfortable with a person as a friend, male or female, I will laugh, or touch their arm, if something they have said touched a really deep nerve with me. Some men would think I touched them and that was flirting... NO, that isn't a flirt thing, but rather a, "I really get what your saying, right on".
For some people just saying yes you will go out again, however JUST AS FRIENDS, they want to translate it into something else, or that the person has some hidden meaning. Then when there is no other meaning found, they lament, complain, B!tch they have been lead on.
I have some really great male friends. However I did lose one, because he had hoped I would some how get past my feelings of just seeing him as a friend and go into the romantic zone. I adored chatting with him, but there was NO chemistry romantically, AND he would not have made a good partner. When I met my SO, and told him he was crush, pissed, felt I lead him on, WHICH we only met once, which was enough for me. We don't talk any more, I miss our chats, because he really was an interesting guy, just not someone I would gain any romantic feelings for.
If people can really get it when a person says they just want to be friends, then it is great. Men have to keep the sex part out, as do women. Understanding that Chemistry IS just that brain chemistry, as well as a scent that the person gives off that makes them desirable romantically, friends can kick it, and not stay at home alone... | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 3:09:52 PM | Sorry ladies, I don't buy it. I'm not talking about subtle stuff that can be misread by anyone. I am talking about blatant flirtatious behavior. You know darn well when your behavior can easilly be misinterpreted. This is the kind of behavior that needs to be controlled. Why on earth would you treat a guy like one of your girlfriends when you know he is attracted to you. This isn't very bright. Anyhow, all of this is beside the point.
Just be honest. Consider the feelings of other people. Be thoughtful about your behavior. Put yourself in his or her position and consider how you might respond. OP, nothing wrong with what your doing if you're honest and consider the feeling of the people you date or dance with. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 3:18:05 PM | OP, I have friends of both genders, and I have often gone out with a friend, to whom I'm not attracted in a "boy/girl" way. It's fine. Friends are good.
However, if one is looking for a relationship, physical attraction is, at least, 1/2 of what matters, and without it, no relationship is possible. So, in terms of finding and forming a "romantic relationship", it is a waste of time to pursue "dating" someone that isn't attractive to you, or vice versa. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 3:55:06 PM | OP, why on earth would you ask out a lady who you weren't attracted to out on a date? Isn't it a tad cruel to get someone's hopes up like that?
Why is the only alternative to sitting at home going out with a date? Did your friends all happen to up and vanish? | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 4:03:58 PM | Friendship and QT together is a wonderful thing. It's when one or the other doesn't "get it" and pushes for more. Chemistry is important to establish a deep and intimate relationship beyond friendship ~ either it's there or it isn't. I've scratched a few off my XMAS card list... 'all or nothing' doesn't work for me.  | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:16:12 PM | | My point in my previous post was that everyone does not believe that appearance is 1/2 of the attraction to someone. Attractiveness is very important to some people, to others it is not. People who view attractiveness as very important cannot fathom those of us who do not see it as ultra important, and vice versa. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:55:43 PM |
That is your opinion. Physical attraction is at least 1/2 of what matters to you, not to everyone in the w0rld.
Emotionally healthy people, especially by age 45, will have "adjusted" what they find attractive based on their perception of the "available universe", who might be attracted to them. In an oft replicated experiment done by sociology students, people pair off within predictable ranges, based on their relative physical attractiveness. "10s" are likely to pair off with "10s or "9s", and "5s" with "4s","5s or "6s". The ones who are frustrated are the "4s" who will only pursue the "9s".
That being said, to deny that physical attraction is a normal part of sexual desire, which is what defines the difference between "romantic" interest rather than "friendship" is to completely ignore human instinct, and natural factors involved in a romantic relationship. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:22:03 PM | | This whole question started in my mind when I read a post talking about getting to know someone before seeing a picture. It went something like they got to know then and were getting along really well but then the guy sees a picture of her and decides he's not going to waste his time meeting her. So the reason you might go out with someone is because you got to know them and found them interesting, even though you didn't like the way they look. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:38:00 AM |
That is your opinion. Physical attraction is at least 1/2 of what matters to you, not to everyone in the w0rld.
Well it should be, because to my mind it isn't fair on a person to date them if you don't find them attractive. If you don't find them attractive you can never DESIRE them, and every person on this earth deserves (and probably needs to feel) desired in a relationship. If you are in a relationship with someone you don't find attractive then you are fooling yourself that it is a good relationship, because at least one of the parties will feel dissatisfied. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:45:07 AM | Did I ever say that I do not find a man attractive when I date him? I said that it is not 1/2 of the equation to me when I look at what he brings to the table so to speak.
And I don't give a rat's ass what some dang research says. Go on Oprah, or Doctor Phil or why haven't some posters started their own show, since you seem to know what everyone in the world feels and needs? | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:56:29 AM |
Did I ever say that I do not find a man attractive when I date him? I said that it is not 1/2 of the equation to me when I look at what he brings to the table so to speak.
Ok, so what percentage would you say it was then? and what is the other percentage filled by (personality, financial stability, the fact that he is a member of the opposite sex and available?) . What difference does the percentage make? You either find someone attractive (as a whole package and that includes looks) or you don't. You may find someones personality attractive but not find them physically attractive, in that case, if they feel the same about you you can keep them as a 'friend', but if they are attracted to you, and live in the hope that one day you'll feel the same about them, then you're wasting their time in my eyes. Of course you could always convince yourself that you find them attractive (some people do), but the truth will out eventually when some other fella comes along who really takes your fancy. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:13:46 AM | I look at his personality, how he treats others, his work ethic, morals, manners, his sensuality, common interests, how we interact together and if we seem to "get" each other's personality, so to speak. If he does not pay child support then that ends it for me. Is he involved in the lives of his children? Does he have a good relationship with his family and friends, is he a giver, not a taker. Does he pay his bills? How does he refer to his ex wife? (if he has been married)
Are we on the same page regarding the kind of relationship we are seeking? sense of humor, emotional stability and how attractive his appearance is to me. I am not saying that Quasimodo or Shrek would make me want to jump their bones, but I am attracted to a lot more men than most women seem to be as far as appearance goes. I am an average looking woman to most men, and find an average looking man to usually be physically attractive to me, if I like most other things about him. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:17:35 AM |
Are we on the same page regarding the kind of relationship we are seeking? sense of humor, emotional stability and how attractive his appearance is to me.
Thank you :) The rest is all very good (and necessary too), but this is the crux of the matter. | |
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