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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:33:55 AM | I'll explain why only going out with someone because you ARE immediately attracted to them is also a waste of time.
I met my "dream guy" when I was 20 something. He was a workmate's brother. He was gorgeous. All the girls would gush around him.
He showed interest in me (even though I didn't get it) and I was flattered. I got to know him and realised he was actually a very sweet guy. However it turned out that he couldn't read or write and I was shocked. The sex also wasn't as "dreamy" as I'd hoped. I've had better sex with less attractive men. I knew I couldn't date dream guy anymore.
As I drove away that sad day I thought about what it is I am looking for in a guy. It was a 2 hr drive home, as he lived in the country, so I had plenty of time to think. I came to the conclusion that I need some form of wit and intelligence in the man I choose to date. So lesson learned was looks are not everything.
THE END. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 2:05:19 AM | | ^^^^^Nobody's suggesting that attraction to looks is everything. They are 'part' of the essential 'package' of a person in a relationship. First you look at a person, then you get to know the person, then if you're lucky bingo! If you can't even bare to look at them then NO bingo. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 4:52:41 AM | I'll explain why only going out with someone because you ARE immediately attracted to them is also a waste of time.
Physical attraction, for most people, is a gateway, or filter, not the whole substance of a relationship. Since physical attraction is a necessary part of a real relationship, I filter out those who aren't attractive to me, and I also don't pursue those, who I know would be unlikely to be attracted to me. It winnows down the vast universe to a very small percentage.
Within that small percentage, then the other things, like personality, compatibility, personal qualities, etc. matter, and discovering those is all part of the "getting to know you" phase. So, not every woman, who I find physically attractive will end up being a "match". In fact, most often, they aren't. Which is why we "date", or have conversations prior to meeting. Finding someone who is attractive and comptatible is no simple thing.
On the other hand, it would waste her time, and mine, to try to "get to know" someone, when there isn't initial, two way attraction. It really doesn't matter how wonderful and nice she is, if she leaves me cold in terms of physical attraction, then it could never be a "relationship".
In the real world, where I'm interacting with people, those with whom I have friendships, or friendly acquaintanceships , looks aren't important. I'm not going to "date" a co-worker, but I do have friendships that are just that. Looks don't matter for "just friends". A romantic relationship, though, is a different thing. It does involve friendship, but it also requires physical/sexual desire for each other, and if that's not there right away, it never will be. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:08:22 AM |
If that works for you that is fine, however everyone is not wired like you are or whatever. which is why we have different opinions that are expressed here based on who we are and what works for us in the dating scenario.
It's not just my opinion, as if it's unusual. It's been studied and validated by experiments and studies that initial attraction is almost always part of what is involved in forming a relationship.
Physical attractiveness is not an objective standard, though. I know a couple, neither of whom would be attractive to anyone else I know, but who are blissfully happy with each other. I know from talking with him that he thinks his wife of 20+ years is a very attractive woman to him.
That's kind of the point. There is someone for everyone, and someone who will find something attractive in someone who might not be attractive to me on any level. It's not wise to dismiss attraction as a human instinct tied into our "mating instinct". The key is to find someone who you find attractive, and who has a reciprocal response. Otherwise, the best to hope for is a form of friendship, that you hope might, in time, be "enough". For some, it is, but it will never be that "grand passion" that most people hope to find. If it's not ever going to be that, I would have no incentive to date at all, and would content myself with spending time with existing friends, and having the occasional "hook up" to satisfy sexual needs. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:21:13 AM | | Why can't you accept the fact that everyone is not in agreement with what you think is true? I don't give a rat's ass what any experiment that validates your opinion says. My experiences as an average looking woman are possibly not the same as a good looking woman, we all have different experiences and beliefs, based at least partly on what we have experienced, that is what makes the world go around. Looking back on my dating career, the men who I have dated who were good looking to me were the ones who seemed to expect sex on a first (and last) date since I don't have casual or first date sex, and most of the men I dated for any length of time were not attractive to me as far as them being good looking, but they had many other traits that I liked about them that made the relationship more than just friendship to me, and the men became more attractive to me because of who they were as people. I rarely atttract a man most would call good looking, as to 99.9 percent of the men in the world I seem to be an average looking woman. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade, and if I had waited to meet men that I found physically attractive, I would have had very few dates in my life, or not met some of the fine men that I have met. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:08:25 AM | "Emotionally healthy people, especially by age 45, will have "adjusted" what they find attractive based on their perception of the "available universe", who might be attracted to them. In an oft replicated experiment done by sociology students, people pair off within predictable ranges, based on their relative physical attractiveness. "10s" are likely to pair off with "10s or "9s", and "5s" with "4s","5s or "6s". The ones who are frustrated are the "4s" who will only pursue the "9s".
That being said, to deny that physical attraction is a normal part of sexual desire, which is what defines the difference between "romantic" interest rather than "friendship" is to completely ignore human instinct, and natural factors involved in a romantic relationship."
ok, this is one of the few times I agree with you R-Man! 100% right on this one. Every now and then a 10 ends up with a 5, but in reality, like attracts like and is attracted to such. No matter how we put it, even subconsciously, looks matter. Perhaps not in the way people think they do, but certain physical features to matter. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:12:34 AM | "In the real world, where I'm interacting with people, those with whom I have friendships, or friendly acquaintanceships , looks aren't important. I'm not going to "date" a co-worker, but I do have friendships that are just that. Looks don't matter for "just friends". A romantic relationship, though, is a different thing. It does involve friendship, but it also requires physical/sexual desire for each other, and if that's not there right away, it never will be."
Are you reading my mind this morning? | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:26:25 AM |
On the other hand, it would waste her time, and mine, to try to "get to know" someone, when there isn't initial, two way attraction. It really doesn't matter how wonderful and nice she is, if she leaves me cold in terms of physical attraction, then it could never be a "relationship".
In the real world, where I'm interacting with people, those with whom I have friendships, or friendly acquaintanceships , looks aren't important. I'm not going to "date" a co-worker, but I do have friendships that are just that. Looks don't matter for "just friends". A romantic relationship, though, is a different thing. It does involve friendship, but it also requires physical/sexual desire for each other, and if that's not there right away, it never will be.
^^^'nuff said. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:25:25 AM |
If that works for you that is fine, however everyone is not wired like you are or whatever. which is why we have different opinions that are expressed here based on who we are and what works for us in the dating scenario.
Fifi, I'm not sure why you are saying this when in response to me earlier you made this statement
Are we on the same page regarding the kind of relationship we are seeking? sense of humor, emotional stability and how attractive his appearance is to me. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:54:47 AM | | I find most men attractive as far as appearance, since they can have a smile that melts me, eyes that crinkle and smile, or look clean and neatly dressed. Body shape, facial features, and weight rarely make much of a difference to me in the attraction equation. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:57:48 AM | OP: What a silly post. Of course we don't need to hang out with runway/GQ models to socialize/have fun!!!
However, if we are talking about dating/being in a relationship that's a different story. We do need to be attracted to the person we are with. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:00:25 AM | "I find most men attractive as far as appearance, since they can have a smile that melts me, eyes that crinkle and smile, or look clean and neatly dressed. Body shape, facial features, and weight rarely make much of a difference to me in the attraction equation."
That's cool Fifi47, everyone is different and everyone is attracted to different things, that's what makes the world go round. Physical appearance is very important to me, but if they aren't a good person inside and have certain personality traits and other qualities...the looks don't matter!
The best way of putting this, there isn't one thing that any of us can pinpoint in attraction, I think it's a combination of things, the whole package. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:04:25 AM | Wait a minute, lemme see if I've got this right. On-line meeting/dating involves:
++ voluntarily posting on a worldwide dating website.
++ specifically limiting contact to those with basic common interests, often requiring a photo be posted.
++ opportunities (on- & off-site) to PM/e-mail/contact others before any face-to-face meeting is voluntarily arranged.
++ voluntarily selecting with whom we choose to meet, based in part, on the photo(s).
Then, when the selected date shows up and looks a little different than in a few thumbnails, s/he's all of a sudden not so attractive, not relationship stock, and the meeting is a waste of time. I see what this is all about, and I'm not talking about nut cases like nexthyme's post #51 experience. I am talking about the people who expect model-quality suitors to show up every time and get their knickers all in a twist when their voluntary selection is slightly less than perfect.
This all confirms that it's more (if not, "all") about the physical attraction -- namely looks and sex -- and less about any real emotional fulfillment. It would be one thing if some company was sending us dates they think we'd like -- sort of like record clubs sending their members crap which, if they don't like, have to waste time sampling and returning. But that's not the case here. Every step requires a member's conscious decision.
The real amazing part is when people complain about a lack of attraction well after they've been dating someone a while. What's that all about? Did the realities of everyday life make the spiffy new trophy lose it's shine?
If you (anyone) keeps attracting the same type of "unattractive" respondents over and over, then the common denominator is you and your profile. There's an easy solution, though -- if there's no way you can have a relationship (other than casual friendship) without specific thresholds of physical attraction and fulfillment, then open your profile with that fact. Don't bury it in some obscure fluff in the 4th paragraph -- just start by saying. "Looking for a guy/gal who meets my physical appearance and sexual performance standards. I might learn to appreciate the rest of your qualities later." That will significantly reduce everyone's time "wasted" with unattractive dates. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:05:58 AM | tropical knights
i think i understand what you are saying. it falls into the category of my favorite line for life "the secret to life is enjoying the passage of time"
in life we have to enjoy the journey, not stay so focused on arriving at our ultimate goal that we don't experience anything.
you go on out and have a good time with people. it is not better to sit at home on the forums or perusing dating sites. i think that some people will shy away from the stereotypical less than perfectly attractive because they are insecure and think that it is a reflection on them to be with someone who is not the ideal.
perhaps the words less than attractive could be substituted with not possessing the chemistry for a long term romantic relationship for you.
i am assuming that both parties know where the other is coming from and it is a mutually agreed upon plan, no one is being falsely lead on.
kaylee
kaylee | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:23:00 AM |
Then, when the selected date shows up and looks a little different than in a few thumbnails, s/he's all of a sudden not so attractive, not relationship stock, and the meeting is a waste of time.
If she has posted a 5 year old picture and has put on 60#, as happened with one "first meet" I had a long time ago, that is exactly what it is...a waste of time.
I am talking about the people who expect model-quality suitors to show up every time and get their knickers all in a twist when their voluntary selection is slightly less than perfect.
That does not logically follow. There's a difference between "realistic" expectations, based on pictures and how she describes herself, and "unrealistic" expectations that she be physically "perfect".
If you (anyone) keeps attracting the same type of "unattractive" respondents over and over, then the common denominator is you and your profile. There's an easy solution, though -- if there's no way you can have a relationship (other than casual friendship) without specific thresholds of physical attraction and fulfillment, then open your profile with that fact.
If one puts things in his/her profile, it's a reasonable expectation that someone he/she is going to meet in real life will have read it. I have a clearly stated preference in my profile, and I would hope any woman I might meet will not have attempted to "deceive" me, thinking that her "sparkling personality" would create an exception. It won't.
Online dating is something of a crap shoot, sometimes there's chemistry in person, and sometimes there isn't, even when both people have current pictures on their profiles. It's not real until it's real life. If she is as she said she is, we got along well online prior to meeting, and we meet, but there's no chemistry, that's not a "waste of time". On the other hand, if prior to meeting I knew I wouldn't be attracted to her, but met her anyway, it's not fair to her, and it's a waste of time. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:26:03 AM |
I agree, and what works for you might not work for me or someone else. You are a pretty woman, and probably attract a lot of men.
I see what is happening with you. You class people as two different types 'the pretty, fortunate ones' and the 'normal' (in your words) ones who aren't quite so fortunate as to have the luxury to be choosy. To my mind, this is part of your problem, and probably why you don't attract as many men as you think you should do. You have an attitude, and it's blinkered. Attitudes are part and parcel of what makes a person attractive, and you yourself look for a good attitude in a person. It shines in their smile and melts you, but is this really what you are portraying yourself? To me you sound resentful. There are plenty of men out there who 'prefer' larger women, so rather than slamming the ones that don't, why not just concentrate on being attractive and having an attractive attitude for those that do? | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:41:41 AM | What I find as the very most attractive quality in a woman ( and I think men do to)
is women who constantly go out of their way to be argumentative, quarrelsome, and contrary to all other women who to try to voice their opinion. That`s sooooooHOT!!!! | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:55:31 AM |
What I find as the very most attractive quality in a woman ( and I think men do to)
is women who constantly go out of their way to be argumentative, quarrelsome, and contrary to all other women who to try to voice their opinion. That`s sooooooHOT!!!!
I guess it depends which opinion you agree with  I would imagine you would consider the woman who agrees with your opinion to be the 'hottest' and least argumentative of all ( despite the fact that she keeps coming back with her own argument and quarrel). | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:22:34 PM | | Guess it just depends on the person. If you go out on a date with someone your not commited to having a relationship with them. May as well as go and have fun even if you dont find them attractive, just dont lead them on. Everybody I know has attactive and not so attractive friends. Im not gonna be friends with someone based on how good they look. Ill be there friend based on how well we get along... Male and female friends alike | |
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