| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:28:03 PM | | That "good man" who is probably a "nice guy" is the kind of man that you crave after 20 or so years of living with "aggressive" men that treat you like crap. You do need to move on into a healthier relationship though. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:29:06 PM |
The post says that I'm a total ****. Obviously I can't put that all on him.
I know I'm definitely the problem, I'm just trying to figure out why.
Ok. I am guessing here...it would be easier to leave...I sense your contrition about how you've been treating him. I wonder...were you ever super attracted to him...like when you first met? You might have liked him a lot but did you love him? I think when you know that you're not attracted to someone...subconsciously if not literally you will find a way to get out of whatever the chains are that are holding you. These chains are easily severed by the way...but you write...
I'm trying to figure out why I've suddenly become this person that I've never been before. Maybe there's another reason and he's just caught up in the middle of it.
^^^Are you trying to force some sort of reaction out of him...something other than how he's been acting toward you which as you describe is not attractive???
I'm miserable. I can't stand being near him. He's so good to me, and I just can't appreciate that. He's over sensitive, he's more feminine than not, and it's a huge turn off. He lacks confidence and aggression. He reminds me most of a wimpering puppy, with no reason to be as such.
^^^Is it possible that you're doing this to see if he has a reaction more consistent in what you're looking for in a man? Do you want him..but on different terms...to be more than he is? If this is the case...it's not a fair thing to do.
jmo | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:29:20 PM | | OP, why don't you just bring over new boyfriends into the mix? If this guy is as big a pussywimp as you claim, he won't object. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:33:06 PM | Since I'm not getting my point across with MY words perhaps you can get the point across with YOUR own words?
Started dating my current S.O roughly almost a year ago.
Been dating him less than a year - and already convinced him to buy a house you selected and are "paying rent" for sharing?
How much rent do you pay per month?
What day do you pay it on?
Do you pay a portion of the property taxes, the insurance and the utilities also?
HE bought a house and I moved into it, as my current living situation could be no more.
What EXACTLY does this mean?
He bought a house and you moved into it - BECAUSE your current living situation could be no more?
You were forced to move out of where to move in with him?
What happened?
Why did you have to move in with him in the early part of getting to know him?
Were you forced also then to move into his bedroom? Share his bed? Sleep with him? Just to get out of "your current living situation where you could be no more"?
Now we've incorporated our lives and personal belongings and have a really nice place to call home.
What pray tell did you bring and contribute to creating this really nice place to call home?
I'm miserable
Gosh. Says it all doesn't it?
I can't stand being near him
1.)He's so good to me. 2.) He's over sensitive 3.) he's more feminine than not, 4.) He lacks confidence and aggression 5.) He reminds me most of a wimpering puppy 6.) He's too slow 7.) His conversation is less than mature, unless it's about technology and scientific crap 8.) he's absolutely clueless 9.) he's so incompetant at the common "man tasks"
What do you want?
What is it you think you know about living and love at 21?
You've played a game with a guy - and he isn't what you think you want, deserve or need.
Then MOVE OUT OF HIS HOUSE.
Work on growing up and fixing you.
If therapy is too expensive try listening to people who are telling your for free what it is you're doing wrong.
And stop taking advantage of this man.
Slowly, my S.O is really becoming an ***hole, and not in the manly way, just really fricken annoying!
This is what you have said about your SO.
This is what you have said about a man who gave you a home, and welcomed you in it.
This is how you treat a man who shares your bed?
'Your body?
Here are some lessons for you that are entirely free:
1. Never sleep with a man you don't respect.
I'm assuming you're having sex with this guy.
What does that say about you?
2. Never allow a man to place a portion of his body inside of YOUR body if you can't respect him, honor him, love him and speak of him with admiration and respect.
3. If you allow a man in your body, and then stab him in the back by disrespecting him and dishonoring him - you are worth nothing as a female.
A man should be able to turn his back on a woman who shares her body with him.
A man should know that in all ways you honor him.
You have spent a great amount of time and energy tearing this guy down for being so small and less than what you expect and need.
You've used words on an internet site to disrespect your home that you made with him.
Tell you what - if what you're doing is so ok and so acceptable - would you be willing to show this post to him and allow him to read all you've written about him?
My guess is you wouldn't.
Because he'd see revealed the REAL you and probably kick you to the curb.
But the really sad truth is - a good guy, a weak guy who's lacking all those appealling "man traits" would probably allow you to stay in his house, and in his bed - until he actually finds a manly traited guy banging you in his own bedroom.
Then and only then will he "man up".
And I wonder what would you would post at that point?
Now, I won't post any more to your topic, young woman. As I feel certain you will do what ever it is you wish to do, without any regard for what anyone advises you. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:36:38 PM | HazelRose,
Congratulations. So kick him out, and get on with your life.
Ummm... EXCUSE ME??? Kick him out of HIS house that HE bought????
As for it being "her" house because she did the hunting for it... PULLLEEASSE... maybe she could do that because HE was out working full time earning the money for the house... and SHE had the time because SHE WASN'T working.
Please elaborate on why you think HE should move out of HIS house instead of HER not MOOCHING off of him AND being miserable.
******
Now OP...
Ooooh boy... where do I begin.
Okay let's start with who's clueless and who isn't...
I believe that it is YOU who is a clueless spoiled little brat that doesn't know how to appreciate the good and only focuses on the bad... AND you have no sense of accountability in your relationship and your communication skills with your boyfriend/sugardaddy suck.
On one hand you say that that he treats you good and he let's you walk all over him... but somehow HE'S "becoming an @sshole"
No... There IS an @sshole in this situation and I'd say it isn't him.
And when you say things like "He lacks confidence and aggression. He reminds me most of a wimpering puppy, with no reason to be as such. (IMO) He's too slow, and is never in a hurry", your tone suggests to me that you might be verbally abusive to him... which explains why he acts like a doormat... which is how many victims of abuse react.
Yes OP... do him a favour and give him the major blessing of getting out of his life so you can be miserable on your own.
I know your personality type... YOU (and your type... which I have direct 1st hand experience with) are the reason why many guys act like @ssholes towards girls.
You said it yourself... "I can't stand being near him. He's so good to me, and I just can't appreciate that. He's over sensitive, he's more feminine than not, and it's a huge turn off. He lacks confidence and aggression."
So in other words, you don't want someone who is nice to you. You want someone who will sh1t on you, be an @sshole towards you and put you down.
Be careful about what you ask for... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:37:07 PM | Been there, done that. Get your crap and leave. This will turn you into a total biotch and then you will feel horrible about yourself and guilty about your treatment of him, which he doen't deserve.
Look, you picked the wrong guy. He is not going to change. If you don't love and accept the way he is now, then leave him alone...beore you hurt him immensely.
And when you go, let him know it is YOUR fault, not his. You are at fault here, you saw him and knew who he was way before you moved into that house. Don't be a user.
Beth | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:38:36 PM |
A man should be able to turn his back on a woman who shares her body with him.
A man should know that in all ways you honor him.
Words to LIVE by.  | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:45:13 PM | I need a whole wheelbarrow of popcorn for this one!
I'm taking advantage of him and as good as he treats me, I'm admittedly a total ****.Basically I'm blaming him for letting me walk all over him
Am taking the gloves off for this one:
According to you it the fault of the victim to be used by a user?!?! It's like saying that it is the fault of the victim that the rappist raped her!!
You are just a pathetic self centered egomaniac greedy spoiled little brat who should be send in a war zone area armed only with a Barbie doll and only dressed with a t-shirt with your own photo on it saying "am with stupid" to make you realize the true values of things and life. "ouin ouin ouin...not my fault..he is not man enough..." REALITY CHECK: you're no woman, you're just a little spoiled kid.
So if you are half of a human being and not the complete waste of oxygen that you are; making a shame of all the decent real women around, you'll pack your stuff, leave a note saying "am sorry", move alone, surround yourself with mirrors and reflect on how pathetic a user you are. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:48:01 PM |
I'm trying to figure out why I've suddenly become this person that I've never been before. It's not unusual that two people polarise (go in different directions). One becomes busy and works harder, the other becomes more lazy in response. One becomes more responsible, the other becomes more irresponsible. One becomes more of a 'parent', the other becomes more of a 'child'.
It totally sucks, it may well be too late, but it's the dynamic between you that isn't working -- it's the way you respond to each other's behaviour. You take charge and show responsibility, he feels like he's unable to keep up -- or that you are being too serious, so responds by being playful. He's acting like an incapable child so you compensate for him again and so the two of you spiral...
You might be able to stop the spiral. I am sure neither of you is happy in the roles you've landed in. You need to work at creating the opportunity for him to be the responsible one -- he can't just step up and take charge because you are too busy doing it all. I don't want to go on and on in a post you may never read as this thread is getting too long, but if you want to know more, email me. It may be too late to fix the problem in this relationship (it may not be too) but you are going to need to address this to stop future relationships going the same way.
You don't need a man who limits your behaviour -- you need to find one with whom you can share a positive, co-operative (not diverging) dynamic and part of the responsibility for that lies with you. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:52:39 PM | Sweetie, relationships are HARD. Committment takes maturity and compromise, negotiation, communication and just plain sticking it out when you would rather not. If you are not married, you are not committed.
You are young and uncommitted and in my humble opinion, too young for this level of relationship. You should be focusing on getting your education and establishing yourself. Have some fun, hang with friends and not be so heavily involved with someone you are not even in love with.
You have received some wise advice here. Take it. You know what else is hard? Breaking up and moving out. That is why you want to make these kinds of choices very very carefully and LEARN from your mistakes. We all make them, just learn from it and move on.
You do need to move out. You don't love this guy and you are not being kind to him to keep him from finding someone he is more compatible with. You don't have to be ugly about it. Be mature and business-like, but get the deed done.
If you need help, involve your parents or friends and just do it. It has to be done.
Good luck. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:59:48 PM | OK -
Will he change" (in the fairly drastic ways that you seem to want): that would be a huge surprise to me. You might hope to see a willingness to change in HOW YOU TWO INTERACT (can you work together?), but in terms of basic personality, values, etc., at this age, you should expect him to continue to be the person he is. If that's a huge issue for you, then come to terms with what you must do (acceptance, or move on).
Why are you acting as you are acting? Sometimes our "subsconscious" makes itself known by involuntary shifting our moods and behavior tendencies. Sometimes it's telling us something we don't want to hear (this will never work), or it's trying to get someone else to make a decision we're avoiding the responsibility for. Sometimes, it's acting against what we really want (relationship sabotage) - this is not healthy. You'll have to decide for yourself what your "feelings" are telling you about what's right for you. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:03:42 PM |
How do YOU know when it's over?
Everything you've ranted and bytched about equals to you idealizing a relationship, and you used someone to fulfill your ideal as easy as possible.
But now that you are in the holy of holies "relationship" it's not as great as you built it up to be. Plus you are with a guy that you don't like. And you still don't seem to realize you have to be with someone for being themselves to make a relationship awesome, rather than picking the easiest path to the relationship goal.
And if you choose to break it off or leave, well then that means you are assuming responsibility, and therefore potential judgment that it's your fault and that you're bad.
No one wants to be seen as the bad person. They'll stay in stupid relationships for years to avoid it.
So basically I know when it's over when I realize I am only using them, or they are only using me, and that I (or they) have been rationalizing away the things showing me it wouldn't work the entire time.
do you think he will man-up?
He will never be who you want him to be. It's up to you to accept him how he is.
Maybe he's just a late bloomer?
Late bloomer is learning to walk a month after everyone else.
Late bloomer is taking more time to learn how to talk in coherent sentences or words.
Late bloomer is wetting the bed a year after normal.
By his 20's he is what he is.
Will he man up or do you think I'm doomed?
Will he fulfill your definition and expectations of being a "man" or are you "doomed" to be with a guy that isn't simply an extension of yourself?
You are probably doomed to the latter. Doomed....Doooooomed! DOOOOMED I tell ya!
I know I have a good thing going here, I just want to appreciate him more the way he deserves to be treated.
No you don't. You don't want to face reality. You don't want to see yourself as being a bad person for all the reasons you are in your mess. You want the world to change to your whim, yet want everyone to come to the natural conclusion it's in their best interest to do so. While giving lip service to what you think you're supposed to say. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:15:20 PM | | I think people are being really harsh. Obviously I wouldn't divulge much more on this thread but if you want to talk about this rationally with rune3 and myself we would be happy to work through this with you. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:32:50 PM | First of all, kudos on being absolutely merciless about yourself.
Second, has it occurred to you that you have been under a tremendous amount of stress? Finding a house, moving, moving in with someone, while all of this is generally construed as positive, it's also an enormous life adjustment, and, it's like a constant test after it's accomplished, as in, Can I do this? Can I make this work? Am I grown up enough for this?
That's all pretty hard stuff to cope with. Now that you're finished actively accomplishing the business of setting up the situation, you're finding that living in it is not, after all, necessarily an end in itself. Sort of like how a wedding is not a marriage.
The handiest person to take out the stress on is your S.O. - he's there, and it's all related to him. So it really isn't at all surprising that anything you already didn't like about him is seriously grinding your gears now that you're under all this pressure.
As to what to do about this, I'd suggest taking some time and space for yourself. I did have a similar experience when I was a bit younger than you are, and what worked for me was to take a vacation not long after we'd moved in together. Seriously! I went away for about a week, and everything I adored about my boyfriend came back to me powerfully as soon as I wasn't with him. I think part of the problem had been that we were just living in each other's pockets too much.
Upon my return we were more comfortable - and passionate! - than ever, and stayed together about another three (mostly happy, and entirely fulfilling) years - during which I learned to spend time away from home a couple of times a week, which helped me to keep my autonomy. I also lowered my housekeeping standards a little so I wasn't constantly following him around cleaning up. ;-)
So I don't know if that'd work for you, but maybe it's worth a try? I don't think it can hurt. It's sensible that you're considering counseling, but it also really sounds like you're at kind of a breaking point right now and need to do something a little more immediate for your own sake, whether or not it helps the relationship.
Good luck! | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:52:57 PM | After reading all the posts, I had a thought.
I don't think that the OP is intentionally being a b*tch because that's who she is as a person, or she's evil and mean, or that she just hates this person. She's dated him for a year, she can't absolutely hate this guy.
No, I think the reason she's acting that way is because she wants the relationship to end, but she doesn't want to take responsibility for the act. She's trying to force him into a corner where he breaks up with her, but she's exhasperated at her inability to do so, because he just doesn't react the way she wants him to. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:59:03 PM | How do I KNOW when it's over?
When I can't talk to him about my feelings/emotions.
Have you actually told him all this that you've thinking/feeling?
If you have, and nothing has changed, then it is over. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 2:20:09 PM | April, April, April...
Is this the same guy you were posting about last year? Or, did you replace him with this current guy?
If it's the same guy, April, re-read the post by Greyfeld!
If it's a new guy...well, I'll have to think about a response.
~ds~ | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 3:52:43 PM | OP your only 21? Go to school, take control of your life. Honestly, you shouldnt date again until your 30 | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:17:45 PM | | Sounds like you're the one with a problem, one that you haven't put your finger on yet and everyone around you is catching HELL from you. Take some time for yourself and try to figure out why you're miserable. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:20:41 PM | | Uh huh, I'm seeing the "other" side of commonsens...I have to concur with you, she is the problem and he's smart, he'll tell her to get out of his house. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:26:46 PM | Well, OP, it seems you have already made up your mind; your own profile show's that you are indeed single. why don't you simply follow through with it and end your relationship.
then, when you meet your man, the type you respect and honor, you will find the happiness you dream of. and G-d forbid you act like a b*tch to that man. that manly man will b*tch slap you and give you one rude awakening.
puh-leeeeeze! | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 47 | |
| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:32:13 PM | Sometimes the things that attracts us ends up being the things that repell us.
So you are young, pack up your crap and move on. If he is such a nice guy and you are such a biitch (in your own words) then shove off ... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:32:41 PM | | Listen chick, I was in a very similar situation to you, but I tried to finish it for a solid year & every time I did he started having panic attacks & vomiting all over my floors, just pluck up the courage to finish it & get somewhere else to live for yourself, dont keep continuing to live a lie like I did, once you feel like you do, there is no going back!! | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:39:40 PM |
Well, OP, it seems you have already made up your mind; your own profile show's that you are indeed single. why don't you simply follow through with it and end your relationship
op...glad you see you are "listening" enough to change your profile...i hope you've also moved out.... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:43:38 PM | | If you're feeling like this, it's not going to change. He's definitely not going to change, and neither are you. Either move out or tell him you are just roommates. If he can't handle being just roommates, again, move out. | |
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