| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:44:12 PM | I had a LTR with one of those once. They never, ever change. In fact, he is 37 and when I kicked him out he moved right back in with dear old mom.
He never did and he never will figure out how to figure it out. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:51:20 PM | | it's a classic case of a girl who either wasn't mature enough to know what she wanted or dated guys who were not what she knew she wanted. surprise, he didn't magically change either. he was a "mama's boy??" that is one thing i look at still and i'm twice your age. in late teens, 20s, a guy should either be in college, military, or working somewhere stable. and at any age to have enough gumption to pursue a relationship for more than just sex. or else, what you see is what you get. pay more attention to what you see. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:28:35 PM | | Men never change. They just get more annoying (if you fell out of love with him) Do the right thing and break it off. If he's annoying now, it will only get worse, and if a child comes into the picture, then you'll be really trapped. It's better to end it now. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:00:22 PM | | for you to be this confused and change what you think you want tells me that either there are aspects of yourself you are not willing to accept (thus causing you to project them onto him so you can blame him), or you do not give yourself permission to intend for yourself what it is you really truly desire. Sounds like you thought you wanted one set of circumstances, but , after getting your way, your desires have changed and become more clear . How can you thank him for helping you to know yourself better and remove yourself from his life so he can have a relationship with someone who really fits him on all levels? The temporary pain caused by your departure would be less damaging than your only half- present daily status with him. If you feel indecisive, you could at least try separating temporarily to get more clear. Maybe that will help him to see more clearly as well | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:58:48 PM | The OP is being honest and I actually applaud the fact that at her age she is questioning her OWN emotions...wow how many people twice her age can admit to being a total bytch??? Let alone take responsibility for their actions....
OP...the reason why you're finding it so hard to leave this guy is because of the guilt conditioning that society in general has bestowed on us, we're meant to believe that just because someone is 'nice' we should stay...Nice doesn't always equate to happiness. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:06:36 PM | Grrrrr!
She is not honest at all as she does absolutely nothing, if she where only half honest, she will have moved out of this guy house right away into her own place; but she didn't, quite the opposite: she still there!
Turns my blood to see a self centered user who will even push the insult to put the blame of her own actions a decisions on the one she is using! Even worst: complain while enjoying the privileges she receive!
Using and manipulating someone you do not love, and pretend to, in order obtain something (like the house) has a name: prostitution.
If the OP where a man, am certain the OP will be hanging by his test*** as we speak.
AA: i do not know in Aussy land, but in the US, a lot of them call themselves B!tch for fun, some even take pride into it!....so it has no true meaning and value what she said; beside her actions speak far louder then her words, even contradict them. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:16:34 PM | | There really isn't a nice way to say it. You don't love him but you don't want to leave the house. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:18:04 PM | | You sound like my ex. Instead of just coming right out and saying it is over you put the guy through hell for a year, putting him down and making him jump through hoops for you and then once he does you criticize him for it and procede to berate and kick him down further. His moping around, moving slow, etc., is a direct response of how you are making him feel. I bet when you first started seeing him, when you first started to look at him with respect he stood tall and had energy and vitality. Trust me, when you put someone down long enough they can believe that they are as worthless as you accuse. Do this guy a favour and get the h*ll out of his life. Funny how some people need to put down others to elevate their own self esteem. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:36:25 PM | Now, one second here. She said everything was good for 7 months. So.......what has happened that made you change your feelings toward him? Maybe you have simply changed and can't appreciate what you have any longer. Maybe you are not happy with your life and he is the closest to blame? Just something to think about. Maybe it's just you that needs a change. Maybe you need to move in a totally different direction. What keeps you there right now? Fear? Doubt? Guilt? What else? I suspect the issue is that you have realized he does not satisfy your needs at the moment. It's not a matter of being a bad person or a bitchy person, it is a matter of making the realization that people's needs change and so the circumstances and the people around them. Maybe the relationship served a purpose in the short term and now you need to move on.....Nobody is to blame. But at least be honest with yourself. Have some kindness.
Men! You are making this woman feel even worse than she already feels....In doing this you are as cruel as she may have seemed to you.
Sometimes you do not know that it is over. You just have to make the best choice you can. You will know for sure afterwards.
Why are you not ready to leave now? Can you stand to be with somebody you no longer respect? | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:42:14 PM |
You sound like my ex. Instead of just coming right out and saying it is over you put the guy through hell for a year, putting him down and making him jump through hoops for you and then once he does you criticize him for it and procede to berate and kick him down further. His moping around, moving slow, etc., is a direct response of how you are making him feel. I bet when you first started seeing him, when you first started to look at him with respect he stood tall and had energy and vitality. Trust me, when you put someone down long enough they can believe that they are as worthless as you accuse. Do this guy a favour and get the h*ll out of his life. Funny how some people need to put down others to elevate their own self esteem.
I thought I was reading my own post there for a second. In my case it was my ex wife.
The op reminds me of her too. Seems to know exactly what she's doing. Yet is mad at him for her behaviour. She blames all the issues and anger and poor behaviour on him. (Because he does this, I do that!?!wtf!)
Anyone reading that and seeing it as honesty and willing to change or seeking to change at all, should really step out of the box and read all of that again!
Op, I hope some day you find your belongings all piled up on the front step in the rain. with a note that clearly states that he has become aware of what type of person you really are and that it is time for you to walk! Because on top of everything else (not that all of that isn't already enough) your a cheater too!! | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:52:16 PM | The OP is being honest and I actually applaud the fact that at her age she is questioning her OWN emotions...wow how many people twice her age can admit to being a total bytch??? Let alone take responsibility for their actions....
arabianangle...... is it really important that the op is being honest with us....or is it more important that she is being dishonest with the one person that she should be honest with.
AND as you are lifting her to sainthood for her bravery...is this truly your concept of honesty... of self respect...of self worth..... in my opinion a women that gives herself to a man that she has no love, no respect for.... does so only for financial gain....and we all know what the dictionary calls that... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 10:06:13 PM | Oh my!
Well, I can't say I blame anyone for being frustrated, ticked, etc. by the OP's bashing, using, etc. I can say, I was with just such a man for about 8 years & know what she's going through (no, not pitying her so don't throw the popcorn at me!  ). He was a good man & I gave it my all, I cried a many tears & pleaded & reasoned with him, practically begged him to open up. Realizing in the back of my mind that I was asking him to change himself, which went against what I believed was right. I did all this because I did have a great love for him, he was a good man/good guy. There is Nothing on earth wrong with a good guy! So again, don't start flinging the popcorn at me! I want a good guy  , just with a twist!  So anyway, I continued trying for sooo long because of this love & added to that, because he begged me Every time not to "give up" on him. Thus blaming himself... Now mind you, I didn't blame him because as said, in the back of my mind I knew that he couldn't help who/how he was. I asked him once, if he was in my shoes, would he feel loved, wanted, needed? His reply was no... I don't for a moment believe that he said this just because he thought it was "what I wanted to hear". We weren't in a heated debate when he said this, we never had a heated debate. Hellz, we never really argued at all. The man was so passive it was mind boggling & well, it was irritating as frack!
~~~Rock~~~ I have no clue what was between you & your ex & though I don't agree with all things you say. ( not that you give a shite if i do or not) I do think you seem a good man & I enjoy your humor for the most part. I just wanted to slip this in, without in any way wanting to insult you. It's just as far as your statement about your ex saying, "I did this because you did that". Well, I'm not saying that's right or wrong, as I think there are cases where it's extremely wrong. Then I think there's times where it's natural human reaction (action gets reaction). Again, nothing personal, just a thought to go along with the following. As for Op calling this man an azzhole well, any man or women can be pushed to the point of being an azzhole or bytch. Especially, when they're living "unhappily ever after together". I imagine this man is completely aware that Op is basically miserable & likely his passiveness is being pushed to aggression & thus he is "reacting" to her passive aggressive "actions". Thus causing him to be or seem an azzhole. Although, he is still being so passive as to not tell her that if she is so miserable, get the frack out! *shakes head* I feel for this man, I really do. Still, I can So relate to the Op. As for the rude, one sided bashing she did on here. Well, I chalk that up to immaturity (no insult intended Op). I can see having babbled such a bashing, of a boyfriend or whomever, to one of my closest girlfriends, at least at Op's age/maturity. We tend to say things in a move venting, ugly manor with the sympathetic ear of our closest friends, don't we? Is that just me?  *lol* Hopefully, time with maturity will make her see just why so many people on here are bashing her in retort to her bashing a seemingly good man. Oh yes &  to ~~~GoodWitchBeth~~~ & ~~~Arabianangel~~~ Though Beth, unless I missed something the Op said, I'm not sure she realized just what she was getting herself into from the beginning. Perhaps love & immaturity blinded her & so she "settled" thinking was all that mattered. 
~~~~~~OP~~~~~~
You are so lucky that for your & his sake you see what's going on & are already to a breaking point & can do something about it! I refuse to say that you should stop trying, that's not my place. I can only share with you an inkling of what I've been through & ask you to stop wasting your & his time. Time is precious! And please for gawd sake Op, find a new friend/roommate! Do you really want to "eventually" have to either, explain to another guy why you can't have him over... Or worse & sickeningly so, make this man deal with seeing such! Whew, I hope for frack sake that he's not So passive, that he wouldn't laugh you straight out of the house for that one. You're blaming him for letting you walk all over him... I get ya', I don't agree with such but I do get where you're coming from with that statement. As Arabianangel said, you're being mature enough to see what's going on & what you're doing wrong... Now, be mature enough to Stop!
Sorry ladies & gents  , I know this was long & I would have messaged the Op personally if not for her settings.   | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 11:09:24 PM | The fact that any of you are even attempting to help this lecherous cancer, really says a lot about you.
This is the best she can get any way. No quality man wants the beast of a girl she is. I don't know what she expects to get elsewhere. She'll just move on to some new relationship she's not happy with either with an equally, maybe differently, pathetic man who can't do better. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/24/2009 11:21:47 PM | OP,
I read a little of your posting history. You say that you had been in a longterm relationship from age 14-18, which is really young. A year ago you had just broken up with a boyfriend that you were together with for a year. You both continued living together, but you went mad when he wanted to bring a new girlfriend over. Looks like you started seeing this new boyfriend when you were still living with your ex. It also looks as if you moved right in with him when your old ex moved out and in with his new GF.
Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you go from one BF to another and don't know how to be without someone. That's probably what keeps you from moving out.
But this is totally unfair to your BF. You're using him and need to move out!!!!
Is this a case of not wanting to join a club that would have you? Resenting him for letting you walk all over him? Trying to back him into a corner, so that he puts his foot down and becomes more assertive - because isn't that what you feel he's lacking? Not a good way of handling it.
You need to leave and spend some time alone and get to know yourself, instead of running from one boyfriend to another. You're only 21. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 4:51:21 AM | How About the Golden Rule........
If the tables were turned, how would you want HIM to handle it?
You say he is not manly, or mannish, or a doer.
So, it is your turn to woman-up, and do the right thing.
Stop deceiving him, stop sleeping with him, and find your own place. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 5:59:15 AM | | Once you lose respect for you S/O there's no turning back.....have some pride and give him his freedom so he can find someone else that will appreciate all his shortcomings...... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:22:10 PM | | I can understand your point. It doesnt sound like what your asking for is out of place, however it does sound like your interest and personalities just arent that compatible anymore. Most women appreciate a man who will stand up to them, whether they say so or not. Nobody likes a doormat, only weak minded oppressive people would appreciate that. It does sound like your concerned about hurting his feelings...which means you do love him. Sometimes you have to hurt who you love to save them from a bigger hurt in the future. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:25:53 PM | | I noticed in your profile on p.o.f. that you never mention a boyfriend..and that one of your requirements for "friends" is that it be a male who emails you. Sounds like your emotionally cheating on him already... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:28:50 PM | | Maybe its just that your a teenager and dont know what the hell you want yet. Their is nothing wrong with that but I dont think you can "fix" this...You dont respect him, without respect you have nothing...and can never have nothing. Disrespect says " I dont care about your feelings" The line has been crossed..without respect you can really never have love..its time to roll... | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:33:03 PM |
You sound like my ex. Instead of just coming right out and saying it is over you put the guy through hell for a year, putting him down and making him jump through hoops for you and then once he does you criticize him for it and procede to berate and kick him down further. His moping around, moving slow, etc., is a direct response of how you are making him feel. I bet when you first started seeing him, when you first started to look at him with respect he stood tall and had energy and vitality. Trust me, when you put someone down long enough they can believe that they are as worthless as you accuse. Do this guy a favour and get the h*ll out of his life. Funny how some people need to put down others to elevate their own self esteem.
I'd go with availablegent on this one. Sounds like you've sucked all the life out of the poor fella. Do him a favour and put him out of his misery so he can find someone who will treat him like a human being. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:34:01 PM | Here's how you start fixing it. This is just an example and may not directky apply but maybe it will start on you on the right track.
He dresses terribly, sirts that don't fit, pants that son't fit or match the shirt...
YOU: "You look like a homeless person dressed like that...you dress like $hit. I hate being seen in public with you."
This is what you start doing.
Go shopping with him The Gap, Sears doesn't matter. Find a shirt and pants you think would suit him...
YOU: "Hey, honey...I think you should try these...you would look fantastic in them, the shirt would really accent those great forearms you have..."
I think deep down somewhere you still care a great deal about this man since you are here fretting about the situation and staying in it.
People put down your post because you are whining about your sit and doig nothing about it.
You have two choices: Leave, or start changing...you make him feel better you'll feel better and maybe he will make you feel better back and start feeling better about himself. | |
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| How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:52:45 PM |
I can understand your point. It doesnt sound like what your asking for is out of place, however it does sound like your interest and personalities just arent that compatible anymore. Most women appreciate a man who will stand up to them, whether they say so or not. Nobody likes a doormat, only weak minded oppressive people would appreciate that. It does sound like your concerned about hurting his feelings...which means you do love him. Sometimes you have to hurt who you love to save them from a bigger hurt in the future.
That's called tough love. The OP isn't giving tough love to her fella, she's giving him hell for not being the type of person she wants him to be (and probably if he was tougher and stronger she'd be complaining that he was unreasonable). Each of us has a personality type, and all types of personality have their drawbacks (such as being strong minded can mean you will sometimes be stubborn, being nice can mean you will be too afraid to speak your mind sometimes) You have to accept what a person is and appreciate and bring out their best qualities, rather than constantly harping and complaining about their weaknesses. You are never going to find the 'perfect' person. They don't exist except in the eyes of those who can see perfection in imperfection. | |
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