| | Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.Page 18 of 21 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21) |
Id rather be on my own than have to settle for someone who i had nothing in common with, wasn't my type, wasn't on a similar wavelength. Did it for 14 years,
I decided to read all the pages to help me understand one more time why one who I'm guessing all have dated said b/f or g/f for a least 18 months or more before be exclusive with & or decided to marriage.
And why, I assuming dated for at least a year or more with said person why would one stay, date,settle or marry one if there was not at least 80% or more similar goals, idea's and beliefs?
If you can help the rest of us in how to avoid theses pitfalls. Was it just bad choices,or did you think because this person was not really that good for you,yet you though you would change said person in your prefer likes or was it totally something else unbeknown to you about the person? | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/10/2008 2:35:56 PM |
Settling just to settle means you're lonely and desperate...therefore, you will attract the same kind of person, or a person that won't make you happy, and you will have a not so happy life, and neither will the other person.My suggestion is take care of you, make yourself happy first!When we're happy and positive, we will meet a person with likewise views and you won't settle, because you are confident and happy!
blwizgrl, msg.422 you go girl, you get it and have that positive attitude & faith,thanks for sharing such great advice. | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:16:12 AM | It's nice to think that one could choose end their dating woes at any point by deciding to settle for someone they previously wouldn't have considered, but really I don't think that's much of an option for anyone who can tolerate their own company.
Only people who can't stand being with themselves without anyone distracting them can really settle, because having almost anyone around really does make them happier than being alone. For any of us who can be at all happy by ourselves, we are going to look for someone where we are at least as happy when we live with them, if not more so given the need for daily compromises and sacrifices.
You don't get to choose whether someone gets on your nerves or not. You don't get to choose whether your partner fulfills your sexual attraction needs enough that you aren't constantly noticing every person who walks by who is attractive to you. You can try to suppress your real wants and likes, but how happy can you be in that situation? That isn't fair to you or to them. | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:55:08 PM | | I think it depends on what you (or anyone) mean by "not your type" and "settle" and "alone". For example, I believe that there is a risk in holding out for an *ideal* (i.e., type) that may be unrealistic. What is it to * settle* exactly? We are all guilty of boldly stating that we "refuse to settle" but have we defined it? Afterall, settling may simply be learning to compromise or dropping one (maybe even 2) of our 5 *must-haves*. And if by alone you mean: 40+, no children, few friends and immediate family, then my answer is to carve out some time to rexamine the must-haves, the whole idea of settling, and love too. Then look at the next wo/man you meet through the new lens you create and flash a smile! | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:08:42 PM | i've found myself wondering the same question posed by the OP...hold out for mr. right, or settle for mr. meh i guess you'll do. is loneliness a price we pay for being too fussy or shallow, or is it better to be alone than always left craving for something more than we have. when is anyone ever happy when they have to "settle"?
i think it's best illustrated in this way...you go to a cafe and order dessert. the waiter puts a slice of plain chocolate cake in front of you, meanwhile the person across from you is served another slice of chocolate cake layered with ganache, drizzled with raspberry coullis, and garnished with berries and whipped cream...would you really be happy with your piece? i mean it's still chocolate cake after all. or would you ask for a taste of the other slice, or perhaps even change your order? you tell me...could you settle? | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:56:55 PM | Any person who considers me a "type" instead if an individual human being who is just what he is, no more and no less, will not be allowed in my life.
Making an agreement with a person you decide to share your life with should be approached on a rational, not emotional, basis. When you have created a contractual relationship then it is time to allow yourself to develop emotional attraction.
But meeting up with people isn't a shopping process. Human beings are not like boxes of cereal, sorted into "types." I never want to be classified in a "type."
And people who want a serious relationship or a marriage should consider how well corporate law works while domestic law seldom does. People join for a shared purpose and make a commitment and stick to it. The relationships in the corporation are not emotion-driven but are reasoned contracts. Ideally your agreements are worked out so that they are win-win and everybody benefits. | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:08:08 PM | | Why would someone settle just because they are lonely? Get a pet. I was married for 18 yrs and was not happy for probably the last 6 yrs. She was a good person, but just not meant for each other. I am happy with who I am and just want the one special woman who can compliment me and I her. I know I have a lot to offer so I am just waiting to cross paths with the right woman. Best wishes on however you decide. | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:11:34 PM | much better to be alone than to be with someone you dont love and is not your type. Why ruin the chances for that person or yourself? Be available for the love of your life and let them be available for their love. I much rather sleep alone, not have to clean up or answer to anyone else, enjoy my house, life and be happy.
Using people is not right, and it doesnt feel good to be used as just something for now... | |
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bsg789
| | Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 445 | |
| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:17:26 AM | | I wouldn't necessary call it "settling". Sometimes it is simply a case of changing your standards so they become more flexible and / or reasonable. Many years ago, I mostly dated tall, athletic/fit, white men. Since my divorce, I have become much more flexible in terms of who I would date. I have dated short men, black men, chubby men, younger men, men who make less money than I do etc. I didn't consider any of these relationships to be "settling". | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:22:36 AM | ALONE! I've done settlling for second best and compromising my ideals. If you 'settle' the relationship will not last so is not even worth pursuing.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Plus if you are in a unfulfiling relationship, you are not open to that someone special coming into your life simply because you are not free. | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:40:13 AM |
I decided to read all the pages to help me understand one more time why one who I'm guessing all have dated said b/f or g/f for a least 18 months or more before be exclusive with & or decided to marriage.
And why, I assuming dated for at least a year or more with said person why would one stay, date,settle or marry one if there was not at least 80% or more similar goals, idea's and beliefs?
If you can help the rest of us in how to avoid theses pitfalls. Was it just bad choices,or did you think because this person was not really that good for you,yet you though you would change said person in your prefer likes or was it totally something else unbeknown to you about the person?
Good question Just Jim.
My bf has been joking that we've been together long enough now that he's counting on inertia to carry him the rest of the way, lol.
Even though he is joking, I think there's likely some truth to that in many relationships. A point where they have "good enough" so there isn't any glaring reason to break it off. Humans give much more slack to people they know, so there are things that you'd let go once you know someone that you wouldn't have "let go" before you'd made such an investment in them.
I suspect one of the reasons people declare "don't settle" so emphatically is because they are recognizing the soul of a relationship is collaboration (and often compromise, although I don't like that model in relationships). There will inevitably be some degree of "settling" in a relationship... the question is, how much? Therefore they want to get it as much right from the get-go before things start to morph as each makes more of an investment in the other.
Sometimes I think we fall in love with people's personalities but then have to live with their character. We judge a date based on their entertainment value but forget to consider the totality of life isn't entertainment.
80% compatibility is probably about as much as we can hope to find in another person. Sometimes quantifying that is difficult. Or people don't realize that what is ok to let go now in a date, is not going to be something they have really envisioned as being missing for years and years. Or they simply don't realize how much its absence will bother them over time.
LOL, I guess, my short answer to the question is a lack of awareness in themselves. If you don't have a clear idea of who you are and what your goals, ideas and beliefs are... how in the heck do you recognize it in others and recognize how well you line up? | |
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jf468
| | Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 448 | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:49:44 AM |
This may have been mentioned already, but I didn't read all 18 pages of this thread. It is okay NOT to settle when you have realistic expectations. Sometimes lowering your expectations so that they become more realistic is NOT a bad thing.
This very true. To me a realistic expectation is to not expect anything more(usually slightly less) of the person I'm with than I do of myself. That includes physically, character and personality. | |
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| Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type.
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:56:13 AM | Sad thing ... I know many, many couples where each person within that partnership is truely alone, they just share living space, financial responsibilities, children et al.
I remember my father being several years into his second marriage ... it had gone south for any number of reasons, neither he nor his partner were happy or functional within the dynamic of the union and any chance of rehabilitating the relationship was pretty much a pipe dream ... there wasn't ever a lot of fighting or drama ... their relationship just became "the BIG NOTHING" ... yet neither person did ANYTHING to remedy the situation ... they shared a home, raised my step sister and spent their time sitting in their seperate corners watching television and letting life pass them by ... speaking too one another only when prompted and never about anything of real relevance or substance ... I remember staying in their home and literally feeling the void that existed in that house ... eventually, I asked him why he didn't just move on and be proactive about his loveless marriage. He said to me, "son, I'd much rather be in an unhappy relationship than too be alone because I can't stand the thought of living by myself." It was one of the saddest statements I'd ever heard ... and I hate to admit it, but I lost a lot of respect for him that day ... eventually, many years later, he did make a move too get out of that situation ... discovered that he could be happy in being with himself ... discovered the internet as a means of meeting many fine women that he eventually dated ... I just hate that he gave up so many years of his life because he lived in fear and co - dependency.
jeffery
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