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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:54:36 PM | You don't turn them off. After all, there are no batteries to remove or plugs to take out of the socket. Just allow him to be himself. Tingly needs to be who he is, just as much as you need to be yourself.
At the end of every session, you two are the center of the universe. And frankly. that's what counts. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:05:19 PM | ^^^^^^^
Danz...you're a peach.
At the end of every session, you two are the center of the universe. And frankly. that's what counts. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:16:40 PM | Girl friend as I said, sometimes the best thing to do is JOIN HIM. He may enjoy it, or he may be annoyed that he has competition, LOL my son gets annoyed when he's in one of his hour long shtick.
Some times the very thing that draws two people together, are the very thing that drives each other apart. There is nothing wrong with balance, and if a person wants to know whether the other person HAS some balance, then it is about getting to know each other.
My SO and I have very different senses of humor. We went to the Transformer movie, and he would burst out into hard laughing, when nobody else was... LOL, I had to laugh, just because I was not finding what he found really funny, as funny.
Of course there are things about me that drives him bonkers, like I will listen to the tv while on the computer.
I don't get the impression you are trying to CHANGE the guy, but rather figure if he is doing these things for some purpose or reason, and if he will tone it down once he gets comfortable with you two's relationship.
I've been with my SO for a year yesterday, and we are still learning things about each other, and deciding if it is something that we can or can't live with for life... At this point we have decided that there isn't anything so extreme of the other that we can't work to find balance.
Good luck hun,
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:18:37 PM | What do you do when the person you're dating seems to always be "on"? You know, always doing SOMETHING to attract everyone's attention?
I avoid these people like the plague. Being a crack up, and a hoot is great, but being obnoxious and gregarious in public all the time stems from deep rooted issues, IME.
Most often, they are fun to date, if you are into having a blast all the time, but they are very different in a home life setting. They are usually prone to being depressive and irritable.
But how can you get someone to understand that being with a performer all of the time is exhausting?!
It is exhausting.
It's like a drone, or a pebble in your shoe. It'll make you nuckin' futs.
How do you turn someone "off"? Or can you?
You can't turn them off. It will never change. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:19:44 PM |
Tell me you wouldn't wonder what's wrong if a woman you were dating was always trying to make someone laugh, always wanting attention from others...wouldn't you want a date where it was just you and your lady, without an audience?
If I were with a gregarious, extroverted woman, who is funny and fun, that's one thing. If it came across as boorish and obnoxious, it's quite another. It's a fine line, but that's something you determine right away, before getting involved.
The thing I find annoying about this OT, and the "hallejuiah chorus" who chime in with "what's wrong with him" isn't to say that the behavior would be attractive, or should be. It's merely to say that people are as they are, and if one knows that, and chooses to get involved, it seems dysfunctional to complain about things that you knew going in.
Like, for me, weight is a big thing. In fact a critical factor, in terms of being interested or getting involved. If I, despite my self-knowledge about what does and doesn't attract me, chose to date someone who is "a few extra pounds, it wouldn't be reasonable nor fair for me to complain later that she is overweight. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:20:09 PM | He doesn't sound like someone I'd be compatible with.
I'd just find someone much less annoying.
He sounds like a complete boor.
You already told him how you feel and he has chosen to ignore you. Why are you hoping a 63 year old man will change? | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:22:55 PM |
Danz...you're a peach
I'm a whole peachtree...shhhh, don't tell anybody. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:29:46 PM |
Like, for me, weight is a big thing. In fact a critical factor, in terms of being interested or getting involved. If I, despite my self-knowledge about what does and doesn't attract me, chose to date someone who is "a few extra pounds, it wouldn't be reasonable nor fair for me to complain later that she is overweight.
Yeah I gotta comment on this...
It's easy to know about a person's weight in the beginning...this type of thing isn't so obvious at first...while dating you may not realize someone is entertaining anything that breathes while they are conscious on an ongoing basis for a lot of reasons, not the least of which are that you don't spend every waking moment together in the beginning, so while you enjoy it as part of their personality, you truly just don't know how deep it runs until you're around a while and that day comes where it all falls into place. Another thing is that people like this are somewhat aware they do this and try to tone it down or hide it to some extent until they're sure you're staying around for a while. They are more comfortable being themselves over time and it's more apparent to you further in.... | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:35:30 PM | RenaissanceMan1950,
If it came across as boorish and obnoxious, it's quite another. It's a fine line, but that's something you determine right away, before getting involved. It doesn't seem like the man was this way when they first got together, he was funny, but not to the point of overwhelming. Therefore she is wondering IF this is the real him, and he may have a "tone down button", which isn't a negative to me.
I don't see her complaining, some much as she is describing something that MAY be intolerable if he is this way all the time.
I gave her a POSSIBLE suggestion, because sometimes people don't realize that being on 24/7 is exhausting. Maybe he feels he needs to be that way, since that is what he may think is what attracted him to her. Shes 20 yrs younger, and maybe he feels the best thing that has happened to him... Is that bad???
I also don't get the impression she MINDS that he is funny, but it is exhausting when it is non stop.
As I said, I have a son who is a non stop comedian, however I need to let him know that him being on constantly is hard to deal with when there are times when quiet is golden, IE: like when we are watching a movie.
Ren, who pissed in your wheaties today??? J/K you know I love ya.... | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:35:32 PM | I wouldn't date him, I like to keep it simple. I really dislike men who annoy the hell out of service staff just to get attention, it's rude, childish and shows a whole suitcase full of issues. No thanks, buh-bye  | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:39:38 PM | I haven't read all the responses, so this may have been brought up.
I think it's about being able to be in control. Let's say someone is insecure as a kid and others are laughing at him/her for something. That increases the insecurity. Now, they suddenly do something funny in purpose and find that they are no longer the victim, but they can control the laughter. People are no longer laughing at them, but with them.
It's a tool to keep people away from the softer inside. It's an easy way to hide who they really are. The role of the joker is one that has served them well all of their life and it keeps them from getting hurt. They're in control of the attention or laughs. They can direct and re-direct the attention, instead of being the 'victim' of unwanted attention. This allows him to keep people away from the real person that he is.
I don't know him and don't know if this fits. It's just my theory based on some 'jokers' that I knew. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:44:32 PM | | He is who he is and sounds some what harmless. Regardless, he is being very rude to the company he's with at time's... | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:58:35 PM | I have some friends like this.
With one, we can openly talk about how exhausting he is. I adore him when he is calm and relaxed. I even adore him sometimes when he is "on" but can only handle it in small doses or he will completely overwhelm me and my personality to the point I can't tolerate him.
At home the easiest way to turn him "off" is to turn him "on". Yep, that's right. Distract him with sex. LOL Well, if you are at that point in the relationship that is. This worked really well for me when I dated my aforementioned friend. Plus, he was a lot calmer and mellow after which made him much more enjoyable to be around for a longer duration.
In public, you might have to confine this to days when you can deal with it and be honest enough to leave if it becomes something that goes too far over into the can't deal with category. Then again, sex was always a great way to distract and keep his attention focused on me. Nothing quite says acceptance to a guy more than, "do me right now, do me like this when.. I want you, etc."
With people like this you have to have very firm boundaries and constantly enforce them. These type of people are a LOT of work but you get a LOT of reward from being in a relationship with them. When the balance between the two gets out of whack you have to fix it immediately or it will escalate into a broken, ended relationship very quickly. These are often exciting, passionate, dramatic and creative people. Be careful with that because it can mean the lows are just as dramatic and they tend to be prone to them. Honestly, my experience has been that they are fun to date but not so much to be in a serious, long term relationship with.
Hope my advice is helpful or at least gave you a smile. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:00:56 PM |
Like, for me, weight is a big thing. In fact a critical factor, in terms of being interested or getting involved. If I, despite my self-knowledge about what does and doesn't attract me, chose to date someone who is "a few extra pounds, it wouldn't be reasonable nor fair for me to complain later that she is overweight.
The only way this analogy works is if this woman you get involved with gradually gained 50lbs over the first two months.
That is how it is with personality. Most people only show who they are a little bit at a time. AFL has stated he wasn't like this in the beginning. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:02:14 PM |
nextthyme--Ren, who pissed in your wheaties today??? J/K you know I love ya.
Nextthyme, I like the OP in other threads, but this whole process of wanting someone to change from what was known about him all along is annoying.
In my case, it's not THIS issue, but as a frequent example, that has come up in every relationship I've had. I always tell women that, on Sundays, during NFL season, Sunday is the "holy day of football". It's inviolate. No exceptions. And, they always "accept that", until they're in a relationship. Then I've never had it fail that they start challenging that, complaining about it, acting out, wanting me to "change". I won't, of course, and they knew that going in, and agreed to it, but later want to "change" me.
There are other things too, and the point is, if I present who I am to a woman, honestly and as fully as I can, I am going to react badly if later she tries to change something about me, that she knew from the start. Just as I don't try to change those things I accepted, by becoming involved with her, I simply don't put up with someone nagging, carping, or complaining about things she knew all along. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:09:00 PM | | Not my type of guy...I'd run! | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:11:56 PM | | OMG! Been there, 12 years ago. Just re-entering the dating scene after the end of a 14 year marriage. IMO they want...no NEED to be the centre of attention. My guess is this is the case here. If I may also be so bold as to say... you come across to me as a vivacious lady that people are drawn towards. Another thought along those lines is perhaps he is so proud to be on YOUR arm that he wants to bring attention to the fact that you are his, woman. Food for thought!! Oh, me and the guy...didn't work out! surprize, surprize. His antics would even embarass my young daughter into asking, "Mom, does --- have to be here when my friends come over? Hate to say it but the end is near, but you already knew that. ON is exhausting and we do want to conserve as mush energy as possible these days! On the upside, you couldn't be in a bettter place...look at all the fishes swimming all around you:) | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:31:37 PM | He sounds like he is manic. Maybe bipolar.
Either that or has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:07:18 PM | When you are loud ,fnnyand on does he ever share or let you take the lead or the spotlight. Sorry about using the sports cliche but if this isnt the case and it sounds like it isnt. he isnt a team player.
It reminds me of a situation a few weeks ago where we all were playing a trivia game and one of the guys came across as a really funny friendly guy. Type of guy who would want at a party. Well the game was a free for all and the topic was music. The guy was a musician so many of these questions for him were common knowledge . He had to shout out every answer. I feel you on this guy, perhaps he can tone down though but dont expect him to be someone else this is what he is. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:57:15 PM |
Nextthyme, I like the OP in other threads, but this whole process of wanting someone to change from what was known about him all along is annoying.
Oh shug I know, it is (and I so hate the redundancy of this) that men do the same thing.
For some men they want the woman they met that dressed sexy to all of the sudden cover up, because God forbid another man may ogle at his woman. Then of course there are those that want the person to NOT drink, OR are told that this person has a certain ailment, and a year or so down the road he's complaining how overwhelming it is that she has this illness.
It wasn't a surprise, because this was talked about straight up, but it still can be an issue.
I remember going put twice with someone I knew from Jr High. He told me after the 2nd date that I was NOT going to be wearing make up crap, and that I was not going to be miss fashion plate... WTF??? I have been paying my way for most of my adult life, make sure that I have my bills paid, and in fact have learned to make my budget stretch in ways a lot of people can't, or wouldn't dream of...
So I was just supposed to stop wearing make up, and stop wearing clothes I liked... Later days dude...
My point, I get what you are saying, however since I have seen many of the OP's posts, I don't get the impression she is out to change this guy. Perhaps see if this is how he is from now on, or if there is a tone it down knob, other wise she will have to decide whether he's worth it.
some times people mistake others of trying to change them, when in reality they are on;y trying to understand them... A least that is my take, and how I view things... | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:34:10 AM | RenaissanceMan1950, IF AFL had said that he was always like this in the beginning I could understand your reaction. However she has tried to clarify it - more than once.
"The funny (ironic, not haha) thing is that when he approached me originally, he was not like that. And he's not always like that but I guess I just don't see the reason for constantly trying to entertain your date."
"we've been dating for about 2 months now. The first date--nope, he didn't do that at all."
She also tells us that he used to be a stock broker and sells real estate. If he's successful in either field I'm pretty sure that he knows very well how to control the routine. I don't think too many people are going to respect a business person that can't control himself.
It looks to me as though you are transferring some of your frustration with women that don't respect you for being honest onto AFL. While you have a very valid reason to be frustrated, her situation is not the same as yours.
Anyhoo, in a good relationship there are times for give and take - which only works if you respect each other. If everything is just about making one partner happy, the other is going to suffer. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:41:59 AM | | He sounds rather childish but more to the point, If you dont like who he is.... leave. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:28:58 AM | If I were with a gregarious, extroverted woman, who is funny and fun, that's one thing. If it came across as boorish and obnoxious, it's quite another. It's a fine line, but that's something you determine right away, before getting involved.
Hmm...I'm guessing you missed the post where I think I said...
NJbubble...no...we've been dating for about 2 months now. The first date--nope, he didn't do that at all.
And I think I also said that he isn't like this all of the time as well...so...not sure where our communication gap lies but I didn't tick you off.
The thing I find annoying about this OT, and the "hallejuiah chorus" who chime in with "what's wrong with him" isn't to say that the behavior would be attractive, or should be. It's merely to say that people are as they are, and if one knows that, and chooses to get involved, it seems dysfunctional to complain about things that you knew going in.
And if you don't know that someone wants your dates to be a variety show until it starts happening Renman? Again, the man I met was calm, confident and not "on." The man I went out on a first date with? Same way. As well as subsequent dates. THIS isn't the way he was when we first met...so there's no validity to your argument.
Like, for me, weight is a big thing. In fact a critical factor, in terms of being interested or getting involved. If I, despite my self-knowledge about what does and doesn't attract me, chose to date someone who is "a few extra pounds, it wouldn't be reasonable nor fair for me to complain later that she is overweight.
Seriously Renman...apples and bing cherries--your comparision isn't valid. Since we're going with the weight factor...I'm fat...it's obvious that when you see me, hey, fat chick. My weight just doesn't "materialize" out of nowhere. It's not something that you "discover over time" now is it? How is that the same as realizing that you're dating a wannabe entertainer...especially if the person doesn't do it for a living? Whatever, no, whoever has made you mad in the past is that person. Not me. Generalizing isn't something that you normally do...
while dating you may not realize someone is entertaining anything that breathes while they are conscious on an ongoing basis for a lot of reasons, not the least of which are that you don't spend every waking moment together in the beginning, so while you enjoy it as part of their personality, you truly just don't know how deep it runs until you're around a while and that day comes where it all falls into place.
WIP...thank you. That's what I mean.
I don't get the impression you are trying to CHANGE the guy, but rather figure if he is doing these things for some purpose or reason, and if he will tone it down once he gets comfortable with you two's relationship.
Nexthyme--exactly. That's what I'm wondering. If it's a front because he thinks he NEEDS to be this way to keep me interested and sticking around, or what. I do NOT want to change him...I'm pretty clear that people are who they are and at 63 he is who he is. I believe that I've said that isn't what I want.
Why are you hoping a 63 year old man will change?
Landra...dear...did you miss this part?
Change him? No--definitely not. But is asking someone to sometimes just be on a date with you, and you alone, enjoying your company and letting everyone else in the background stay in the background...is that really asking him to change?
*I* am not one of these women who subscribe to the "change my man" theory of dating.
At home the easiest way to turn him "off" is to turn him "on". Yep, that's right. Distract him with sex. LOL Well, if you are at that point in the relationship that is.
LOL...prurire...yes it works doesn't it? And yes, that DID make me smile--actually it made me laugh...
Nextthyme, I like the OP in other threads, but this whole process of wanting someone to change from what was known about him all along is annoying.
Ren...please separate what I'm asking about from women who've tried to change you! *I don't want him to change the fundamental person that he is*. I cannot be clearer about that. I did say above that this is NOT how he was "all along"...normally you read everything that someone says but it's like you're not this time.
I know about football season. Have dated men who are like that...and I don't get upset about it. Why? Because they say upfront...hey...football and Sundays babe...that's what I do. Since there are 6 other days of the week still available, AND, if the relationship is working right, the possibility of waking up with that person Sunday morning before they go into the "football zone", *I* don't get worked up about it. Heck, I have a female friend who is worse than some of you men with the whole football thing! She and I will talk on the days when there isn't a game--and oh I forgot about Monday night football. So 5 days...that's a lot.
You're ASSuming something that I've pretty much been clear about. There's no change request involved, there's no "this is how he was when we first met"...so...why choose me to take out your frustrations about OTHER WOMEN? LOL...you've gotta grind your axe with them.
It's a tool to keep people away from the softer inside. It's an easy way to hide who they really are. The role of the joker is one that has served them well all of their life and it keeps them from getting hurt. They're in control of the attention or laughs. They can direct and re-direct the attention, instead of being the 'victim' of unwanted attention. This allows him to keep people away from the real person that he is.
Varinia (yet another cool name!)...I never thought of that until I started reading responses last night. That would be sad wouldn't it? I hope it's not the case--when he doesn't try so hard he is still just as funny and charming as ever.
IMO they want...no NEED to be the centre of attention. My guess is this is the case here. If I may also be so bold as to say... you come across to me as a vivacious lady that people are drawn towards. Another thought along those lines is perhaps he is so proud to be on YOUR arm that he wants to bring attention to the fact that you are his, woman. Food for thought!!
Areyouabletofindme...thank you lovely lady. That's a very nice thing for you to say. And you're right--it IS food for thought--positive food at that! Thank you--that's something I will definitely think on. 
some times people mistake others of trying to change them, when in reality they are only trying to understand them... A least that is my take, and how I view things...
NT...we must be sisters in spirit. If I were doing something and the person I was dating asked me to stop or asked me why I did it, I hope that I'd be enough of a grown up hear and listen to what they're saying to me and not tune them out and assume they're trying to change me.
AFL | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:35:06 AM | | hey AFL! the stuff that you thought was real cute on the first 3 or 4 dates is just going to end up annoying your ass a month or two later. remember that because it isn't going to change, lol. i really like outgoing, gregarious people and i have a couple of friends like that. there's a big difference though, between them and somebody who can't/won't turn it down a notch or two and can't/won't understand when it's appropriate to do so. bleh! | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:57:26 AM | Sounds like this feller at work, same age region. Gets on my nerves, he just doesn't shut up. If he's not humming or doing kareoke he's whistling, asking redundant questions you only have to open your eyes to figure out, and holding anybody else responsible for every unforseen event but himself, and just about anything is unforseen with this guy because he's so preoccupied with entertaining himself...and unfortunately thereby demanding the constant attention of others. You can't even hear the radio over this guy. If you turn up the radio to listen to a particular song or talkback segment, he competes for attention with it. Funny thing too, when he started getting on my nerves too much, I brought in an MP3 player and the fact I was again happily in my own little world at work (where I function most efficiently and responsibly), it seriously angered him. I mean he had to go complaining to the supervisor about my earphones being a workplace safety issue, but leading up to that it was clear he was annoyed about the loss of an audience.
Put simply, a complete lack of any sense of personal responsibility for the world in his vicinity. If your attention is always on him, then the onus is on you to look out for him and thus he doesn't have to. The insecurity part comes from lack of consideration for others and associative guilt.
Here's an example. Another workmate is always bending over backwards to consider others. If you go up to her and make an untoward comment, no matter how much force you use it'll wash off her like water off a duck's back if it makes no sense, ie. is not totally accurate. Go up to this guy and say any old ridiculous thing with enough force and he bows his head like a naughty child. He knows he's already acting like one.
Anyway the politically correct term where this behaviour is entirely unrepentent is ADD. He's decided this is personality he's happy with regardless of disadvantage (or consideration for others), and where disadvantaged he'd probably rather take medication than change. You get more attention that way, whilst solving a situational problem if you absolutely have to.
I think it just comes down to whether or not you want to take the rose with the thorns. He's not going to change without some sort of epiphany, extremely unlikely at his age. | |
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