| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:09:33 PM | Do you have access to a punching bag?
You need to get out the anger in physical activity, strenuous activity.
Get on a treadmill, think about how angry you are, and let the anger come out
and energizeyouwhile you are vigorously exercising. Instead of pushing down
the thoughts of anger let them come out while you exercise and do it every day
until you no longer feel that anger.
It works trust me. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:22:28 PM |
for me only love can extinquish anger. the soft soothing voice that calms my rage and makes me forget past wrongs and feeds my on positive vision.
It also makes you live in a world of complete denial by the sounds of it. I'm sure we've met, aren't you the doormat I tried at my local Homebase store? | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:23:33 PM | ...
you will notice that what you are angry about has some clarity and some of confusion.(what you believe of an event...and those conditions as act or behaviours / events which tend to support your beliefs).
you can only "dump" or 'release' what is clear to you...which may be that which you want to 'hold' onto.
you can not dump or release what is confusing because it has not been accepted yet.
one can not release of mind what is confusing of mind...easily.
what can be done for good practice...is to hold or release what you have accepted...
and accept what is confusing...so that what is clear can clarify what is confusing and difficult to accept...so difficult to release......so you hold onto...for purposes to hold your own love image and values gleaned by relationship...to the very person you are trying to release. and whom at some time and inter-mittence did remind you of love...enabled your love.
your anger is truly your anger at your self for having been fooled by believing all of that which were only in part...relationship.
you may be rationalizing someones blame. but your one time friend or lover also learn by the same love process.
be well all ways | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:45:53 PM | Have you tried hypnotherapy? It soesn't work for everyone but it really helped me. The hypnotherapist had me beating a cushion with a length of rubber hose while pretending the cushion was my ex-husband. After that, the anger was just gone. It was as if it was just lifted away. I am serious. It's worth a try. Remember to keep an open mind. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/10/2009 6:06:12 AM | Thanks evryone for the responses..some reall in-depth and plus hard-hitting messages amongst those. Not to mention the odd wit-injected (thank you god for good senses of humour).
I guess my furour is deep-seeded & predominantly the brazenly STUPID decision I made in my choice of life-partner who turns out to be such a dismal disgrace to humanity with no traces of ethical conscious, social or parental responsibility and yada yada..
The history of physical violence doesnt come close to the damage created of emotional abuse. The silence in our house was deafening..
So here I am at age 42, have worked full-time all my life - the ex skittled me financially and gloated thru the process (still ongoing..). So I'm resigned to fact that I'll work 'til I'm 75 & I am not afraid of hard work ..but it's not justifiable!! I liked the msg that touched on the need to 'Surrender & Release'. I am saying that out-loud and constantly.
I tried the physical venting avenue... that worked for the short term..As for Hypnotherapy I was a complete failure. Can NOT clear the mind of all the thoughts (the mind is a train)!! Averaging only 3-4 hrs sleep a night probably doesnt help. My son still shows such aftermath of the adjustment issues he experienced.
Now here I am- faced with mid-life dating. Guys I understand most of you are in the US. I am in Australia and trust me its SHIT out there !!! My dating experiences have been hell lol. When comes the break? If karma is reality then WHEN comes the break?/
Sorry about the self pity-party... Just so over it at this time. For me the self-doubt creates huge issues.
I appreciate the replies. Thank you. And for the encouragement.
oO {Ex means EXcluded - Ex means EXcluded } (chants this mantra).
"3 things come but not again... the spent arrow.. the spoken word.. and the lost opportunity"..
-Susan | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/10/2009 6:12:43 AM | Good luck to you with the anger, hope you are doing better and getting it out in
physical activity.
And it's just as bad over here in America dating-wise.
My few dates from POF have been hell too.
It helps me a LOT to focus on the NOW, not the past, not the future.
Zen philosophy books particularly The Way of Zen by Alan Watts
give me a new understanding that the past does not exist, literally.
Where is this "past"? Can you reach out and touch it?
All that really exists is this present eternal moment.
Do not allow your mind to torture you. The mind makes a great servant
but a terrible master. You are not your "mind". You can control it.
Let your thoughts flow in and out like clouds in the sky but do not
be attached to them. Just observe them. Disconnect from those angry
thoughts and just say "oh there's that angry thought again. I will just
watch it as it goes by". | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/10/2009 9:24:33 AM | | Take a lesson from God. Hate the sin but love /forgive the sinner. It will take effort, and time, but learn to think of the person-you, him, etc-as being diffefrent from what the person did. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/10/2009 11:54:22 AM | OP: I hear you loud and clear. Been there. In my case it was infidelity on which a lot of anger hinged, followed by overt and consistent parental alienation attacks of all shapes and sizes. Lots to hold onto, if that was what I chose to do.
Here's what has helped me personally:
1) Get physical. Exercise. Put on gloves to protect your knuckles and beat the tar out of a punching bag. Kick it too. Take an axe handle to an old log. Chop wood until you can't cut one more piece. Run 5 miles. Or 10. Get up and do it again. Dissipate that energy into something that ends up being constructive for your mind and body.
2) Write it out. Journal. Speak the unspeakable, in its ugliest forms. Let loose what is inside of you in a safe environment -- your mind and pen/computer. You'll uncover all kinds of stuff. Some of won't be pretty. But it will be real. And letting it out lets you out of that painful paradigm of hurt and anger.
3) Counsel and confide with a very small number of very dependable friends who know you for who you truly are and love you completely. Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Whatever it takes. Express the fullness of not only your anger but your hurt. Share until there's nothing left to share.
4) Get out and meet new people, just for the sake of getting out -- without any expectations or attachments to how things look or how they develop. Mingle. Being around other people who are in happier places in their lives is salve for the aching heart and soul. I promise.
5) Let God work on your mind and heart. Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, lean into them with all your might. Turn it over. Magic happens when you take that step consistently. Guaranteed. And if you're of the atheist mindset, you can still access that same power through meditation. Many such practices are easily incorporated into your life, virtually immediately.
You're alright. You and Billy will get through this. You're fine. Keep a stiff upper lip. Keep your chin up. It's okay. You'll be not only alright but worlds better. Healing takes time, so take the time to heal. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:45:41 PM | | Have you ever considered hypnosis? It worked for me. I was holding on to bitterness for years over my ex. After one session, it was like it was just lifted away and it never came back. It doesn't work for everyone and you may have to try a couple of different therapists, but it may be worth a try. Good luck. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/10/2009 8:51:16 PM | Dear suzette,
You are not only hurting yourself with the resentment.
It is not anger you are feeling. You are RE feeling the disappointment or whatever else it is. The anger is a secondary emotion.
The only sure way of getting rid of a resentment is to pray for the other person.
It does NOT matter if you mean it or not. You do it, every day, until that person becomes a lost soul.
The only difference between an A** Hole and a Lost Soul is how much you pray for them.
This is a FACT. I looked at your profile and see that you are Catholic. If you doubt the truth of my assertion please take it to your parish priest or another person (a nun) if you are more at ease. What I am saying is NOT fantasy. It is also NOT optional for a person who wishes to grow in the image and likeness of their creator.
D_voted to authenticity (and occassional harmless foolishness). | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/11/2009 3:11:48 AM | [ /If you doubt the truth of my assertion please take it to your parish priest or another person (a nun) if you are more at ease. ]
Hi D.. D I went 'n sat and talked and talked and talked -to the priest who performed the marriage 15 yrs ago. Peter Rankin is now Age 71 and a bloody GOOD bloke. He is 'real'.. he works with homeless, with drug addicted, and with troubled kids in general. I'm not overly religious and for specific reasons. But Peter Rankin is one out of the mould. His thoughts to me when I explained my predicament (now divorced)?
-He told me I should (quite literally) go'n CLICK my heels in the air.. about this massively terrific opportunity to start ALL over again..and be released of 'him'. (The Excluded*)
Can you believe that? Peter helped me dispell the idea that Catholicism- and seeking to find faith - is not always a lost concept/ the philosophy.
For better or for worse?
Apparently not! I was struggling with guilt about the failure to rise above the trials. My Ex(cluded) left me and so it was out of my hands..
But at the end I did get my chance to actually thank him. For releasing me of him.
Ha. He is not a decent person. But D -to 'love him' ..to 'pray for him'.. Er..No chance in hell. Sorry if this disappoints you.
Again..thanks to you all..for the support. Very appreciated.
-Susan | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:05:13 AM | | I know how you feel OP. Everyday I wake up almost enraged for having my time wasted. The only thing that seems to help is sleeping. Then I can forget at least for a little while. Wish there was a magic pill to make this all go away. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:08:20 AM |
But D -to 'love him' ..to 'pray for him'.. Er..No chance in hell. Sorry if this disappoints you.
I also agree with that. No fricken way am I going to pray for someone that wasted my time and ultimately didn't give a sh*t about me. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:42:18 AM | Parking the anger,well...Work out,hard.Hit the weights and focus on what your doing at the gym.Ditch the coffee and sugar.Meditate....If you feel like yelling and being angry at the top of your lungs then by all means do it.
And lastly this may sound a little I dont know what but get yourself a sexual partner . | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/12/2009 8:25:09 AM |
And lastly this may sound a little I dont know what but get yourself a sexual partner .
Yeah hopping from bed to bed is really helpful advice. Nothing like using someone else to fell better about yourself. *where is the roll eyes smilie when I need it* | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/13/2009 12:37:37 AM | Susan,
The key word is forgiveness, you need to liberate yourself of whatever he did, said or din't to you. It's been said before here on POF, you need to learn to be indifferent, where you don't care what he does or says, much less who he is with or whatever. For starters don't let him know you're angry, at least not because of him. For now he is still controlling you. You don't want that, do you? Take the advice of all these good people here.
God bless. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/13/2009 2:36:31 AM | [For now he is still controlling you. You don't want that, do you?]
Hi Jamp- Actually no, he is definitely not controlling me. He has never controlled me. He's submissive by nature, irresponsible and always unreliable.
To the person who recommended sex. I think it's probably not uncommon after marriage splits that many people go stupid with the sex thing. I went thru a phase & was like a kid in a lolly shop omg I went crazy ha. Afterall, I figure if you havnt had lollies in a long time.. its probably inevitable.
So whether it was a means to vent or whether it was to assist heal the broken self-esteem ("I've still got it")...The sexxin phase was not something I regret but the driving issue is the risk. The risk of STD's is so vast as we know. But hey so (for me anyway)- even the sexxn phase became tiresome. At the end of the day I realise its the intamacy I seek. No strings sexxn can have its place..but for me it felt empty. A dignity issue was arising. Again I reiterate . . here (in Australia anyway) -it's SHIT out there. The let downs are immense. The risk makes it all not worth it. At my age starting over is hard. Most of the guys I meet are heavily laiden with baggage of some description. God - I have it too- the baggage.
But financial ruin- having worked hard ALL your life - and the not knowing what's yet to be... All for the making of a BAD BAD choice in a husband. I guess its an ethical dilemma.
Back to the sexxn though.. the other common trait is its all about THEM. I figured at one point I may as well work as an unpaid prostitute oO(whats in it for me)??
The risk outweighs that half an hour of roleplaying bliss (inside my mind to pretend this person GEBUINELY cares about me)..
For the sake of some short-lived and white-washed feeling of validation & any sort of adequacy... Na... I'll pass.
As if it's all not complex enough THEN comes this whole NEW issue I have been (provable) faced with... The perils associated with being labelled a 'single mother'.
It makes me cringe (the label).
And it's real.
I would probably handle it a whole lot better if it didnt -and so very obviously- adversely affect my little boy.
Being a corp. businesswoman & single mother apparently does not come with solace.
It further endorses my (own) pledge - I really try my all NOT to judge people unfairly. Do unto others ... never true'r unto the word.
But it is hard. People make it hard.
Suz_venting | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/13/2009 12:49:11 PM | Suz,
I'm so truly sorry for what your going through.
I think that D_Voted and Jamp gave some excellent advice.
The quickest way to let go of anger is to forgive someone.
The quickest way to forgive someone is to pray for them.
It's impossible to pray for someone and feel hatred toward them at the same time.
Likewise, sustained anger can easily and quickly turn into hatred.
Hatred does nothing to the person that's being hated, but it completely destroys the person who is hating.
Praying for someone does not mean that you agree with what they did. It does not absolve them from any guilty actions on their part. Neither, does praying for someone promises to "change" them.
What praying for someone who has hurt you will do is allow healing to take place.
When healing takes place, the anger can dissipate.
If anyone is a Christian, they are commanded to pray for and to forgive one another.
One of the coolest and often overlooked reasons as to why God ever commands anything is for our own personal well-being. We are commanded to pray for and to forgive one another not just for the other's person's benefit, but most definitely for our own benefit, as well.
I do not say any of this flippantly or disrespectfully.
Nor am I painting a picture of "happily ever-after" or one of ease and smooth sailing.
I also know of what I speak. I've been able to put it into practice in my own life.
I've seen amazing things happen simply because I have prayed for my enemies. Sometimes they choose to remain my enemies; but that is their choice. Sometimes, without even knowing that I've been praying for them, they have come to me to sincerely apologize for what they have done.
But one of the coolest aspects of my praying for an "enemy" is what it does for me.
It's very empowering and quite very strengthening. It's extremely healing.
I wish you well and much, much healing,
~Joy | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:28:21 PM | | I am also a divorced woman with 16 years of marriage behind me. It's been 8 years now. I know how the angry can consume you. This is how you can park your anger! Be happy. Fill your life with only good thoughts and make yourself happy. The best revenge in the world, is simply be happy. God got you out of that relationship for a reason that only you know. Your happiness will kill your ex. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:41:21 PM | | Time..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................! | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/14/2009 11:29:55 AM | | by forgiving the 'unforgiveables'-doesn't mean you have to make room for the one who hurt you again in your life, just that you let go of the heavy bags you carry and have your peace back. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:48:52 PM | Hi Wivan yes I hear you and I get that.
But back to the original issue...
How?
How?
How?? | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/14/2009 11:23:16 PM | I go to AA, I am a recovering alcoholic, & in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, they also make that suggestion to pray for him, because "resentment is the #1 offender."
We just had a meeting about this topic tonight, being angry at someone for something they did means that we are also angry at ourselves because of how we reacted to the situation. To pray for him is to pray for yourself. Think of him as a sick friend, because that is what he is. My narc is sick, sick, sick!!! & if praying for him helps ease this anger so I can again be happy with my life, I will do that. I just hope it works, I wanna be happy again. You don't have to ever forget what he's done, just forgive, forgiveness is for you, not him :) Now I hope I can practice what I preach, haha! Have a wonderful evening! | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/15/2009 12:02:03 AM | You just get to a point in your life where holding on to the past and the anger just isn't worth it anymore. I had a rough childhood and I allowed it to affect my life. I let my past keep me from relationships in fear of hurting someone else. I finally got to the point where I just decided that the past was the past, there is nothing I could have done to change it, I went through it as a learning experience for some reason. I know there are things I will always remember but I no longer let it affect me. I just put it in the trash and decided to go on with my life. Until you get to the point where you realize there was nothing you could have done about it you will be stuck with it. It is always going to be there but you decide to what degree it affects you. You are the only one that can put it to rest so just decide you are moving on without it.
Also make sure you put it to bed before you try another relationship as anger is pure venom in a relationship. The past can ruin the future if you don't get it out of your life. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 11/15/2009 2:53:11 AM | Great advice there guys thank-you. It's weird isn't it that (inline with m14s comments), I actually feel strangely educated for the past 2.5 yrs probably the worst of my life. I work predominantly in investigation services with many many people & I have a good raport with them. Whenever someone discloses to me they are involved in marriage breakdowns etc..or if a person is obviously not with the mind on the task (work-wise)..Now I wonder. My mind gets more and more open with the blows. One day I'll park the anger i'm sure but unfortunately I dont see it as anytime soon.
How true about dump the anger before trying a new relationship..pure venom.
Q. Is negativity as a personality trait to be confused or exasperated with anger? Is it a learn skill not to be negative. Or am I a lost cause??!! | |
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