| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:23:05 PM | I am not friends with any of my exes other than my daughters mother I even help her out sometimes on issues not related to our child. I am not friends with any of my former exes to me thats traveled ground and I am not into redoing things over and over again. If you trust someone and they trust you I see no reason they can't be friends with there exes. If you don't trust them then your not in a true relationship are you. There are exceptions to this of course as I have witnessed people exes interfering in there other relationships either by wanting the person back or giving them advice regarding there new relationship which I think is kinda wierd. Mostly because if the exes knew all the awnswers realistically wouldn't they still be in the relationship.
Like it or not you can't pick other people friends and its your own insecurities and fears that might be the cause of your opinion on this issue. IMO | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:26:16 PM | I am having a lot of trouble here trying to rationalise this argument.
Two of my best friends are my exes. They have been there for me through thick and thin, supported me through all my problems, and been a voice of reason at the times when I needed it. And I'm supposed to dump their well earned friendships because my significant other thinks I'm going to be "thinking about them"..?
*shouts* Are you kidding?!
By keeping your ex(s) in the name of "friends" is not right and you are creating mistrust in your relationship.
No, doubting the integrity of your partner or their capacity to respect you causes mistrust in your relationship.
You say its all about trust, darling, but yet you can't trust your partner to simply be friends with their exes? The irony isn't lost on me.
If my partner told me that I had to stop talking to my exes if I wanted to stay with her, people who have *proven* their friendship, kindness and decency to me, do you want to know what I would do?
I would kick her ass out the door and never look back.
Now, if the ex in question is a clearly manipulative human being, is trying to cause troubles in your relationship, and is acting jealous or selfish, that's a completely different story, but I'm talking about general circumstances here. | |
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Älska
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Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 30 | |
| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:56:41 PM | | My ex bf and I were best friends before we got together and despite the split 2 years ago and the fact that he's settled with someone else now, we've kept the friendship that means so much to both of us. Losing him as my best friend would hurt a whole lot more than losing him as my lover. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 11:18:41 PM | | Well youve got to learn to trust your partner so I dont see whats wrong with it. Im actually still friends with an ex. I realize we never would have lasted since we are way different now. But still, we enjoy a good convorsation now and then. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 11:19:07 PM | | I, personally, have no desire to be friends with any of my exes. BUT...if the guy I'm dating is still friends with his, no biggie. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 11:26:37 PM |
Losing him as my best friend would hurt a whole lot more than losing him as my lover.
Amen to that! You are absolutely correct in your statement. I went through a break up where I wanted to be friends, and he -- well, he didn't know what he wanted. Sometimes he wanted to be friends, and sometimes he didn't. It was more difficult for me to accept the fact that he possibly didn't want to be friends, than the end of our relationship. That hurt big time. I finally had to accept the fact that not everyone wants to be friends with their ex's.  | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 11:31:22 PM | I honestly feel like if i could have had a positive relationship with my exhusband life would have been a lot different. better for our son. But we dont have and inorder to cut the hurting down to a managable level .. we dont speak.. I wish it was different.
I think he is a good man with some problems I couldnt live with ... and a girlfriend lol
But when i hear of guys who have great relationships with their ex I am really excited to get to know them. Reason being? they parted on a mature and adult level there was no reason for bitter feelings or resentment and they actually had been with that person because they genuinely liked spending time with them.... its a sign of a man who is able to see a woman as more then an object to be used or rejected as they see fit.
Those who struggle to understand the reasons for keeping positive freindships or have jealously issues are not welcome in my life, I would rather know that up front so by all means please let me know if you dont like ex's around. For that matter opposite gender freindships of any sort. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:09:00 AM | OP, what an interesting subject this is here in the forums. quite a few get "up in arms" about their ongoing friendships with ex's. i find that strange and geniunely feel it hinders them from finding a mate. a friend of mine, Phd in psychology beautifully sums up how i feel about ex's. she says that during the first year of a relationship: insecurities, vulnerabilities and jealousies will come up. its a natural reaction in our society to opening your heart to a new person. we need to create a space to help one another feel secure during the bonding process and that entails keeping ex's and opposite sex friends at a distance. intimacy is delicate.
that is how we develop trust. bringing in ex's into the picture or opposite sex friends is then done only after the trust is developed and with gauging the comfort level of your new partner. they may like one but not another. to maintain a healthy relationship we need to listen to our partner.
i will only be friends with other guys if he is o.k. with it. and i actually prefer to have my partner included. don't need or want to have any emotional intimacy with male friends or ex's. i have lots of female friends and like to keep it simple and peaceful. i have better and more creative things to do than to evoke any form of discomfort for my mate. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:18:27 AM | I dont understand that even people much older and experienced than me seem to be fighting like school kids instead of putting their arguments. If there are no arguments, there is no discussion. i am here for forums and respect everyone's arguments even if they dont match with mine.
~The Rock Man~
Do you really think your that special and your view is important enough for it's own redundant thread?
i am very special, it is your problem if your views are different than mine.
if i knew there is another similar thread , i would not have created this. When i found, i mentioned it here.
Good luck with that!
i dont need your good luck. keep it , will come handy for you.
your other views were okay.that was good.
packagedealx3
a lot easier than putting up a thread that a lot of people don't agree with
in all the thread , there are people who agree and there are people who dont agree. i am not looking for a relationship , so dont need your advice. if you check the link of the other thread, there are more than half the people who agree with my views. Majority of people in this thread has views similar to yours. you wont the gold medal.are you happy? i liked your argument in your previous post though.
I am friends with several exes, friends with my stepson's mother, and the girlfriends of exes.
that's why your views are different than the one's i am talking about. you are the ex and not the new partner. hope you understand.
i just put my views, never intended to offend anyone. if someone's situation and experience is different either write it politely or dont write. I apologise for being rude in this post. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:52:52 AM | Friendship is a relationship and there are emotions attached.
It's not like having a High School reunion every 5 years where you're happy to see everyone
but people in this thread who support being friends with exes are still emotionally attached with their exes and are really happy to see them. i firmly believe that these people should have worked out on their marriage.
i find that strange and geniunely feel it hinders them from finding a mate.
i completely agree. they dont realize that the new partner wants to start a new life and when they find them with emotional baggage, they run away. then they cringe and moan that they have no place for such partners who do not understand their emotional baggage.
Again, i exclude the situations where kids are involved , even in that case no need to put them in friends category, they are just ex. Again there are exceptions, if you ex did a great sacrifice for you.
The problem is not only the exes make themselves difficult to get a new partner, they create problem for their exes who found a new partner. I understand the point of view of the exes but just want them to see through the eyes of the new partner of your ex.
People are using the words "insecurity" and "jealousy", but who is not insecure and not jealous. Dont talk to me about trust. All the people who are divorced, trusted their partner one time , right? Philosophical words do not help maintain relationships, trust is not automatic, you have to build it, prove it by your actions. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:26:27 AM | | My bf is friends with his ex..I am completely comfortable with it! They haven't been together for quite sometime..they are happier being friends then when they were together as a couple..so why not? Maybe I'm just not the jealous type..I trust my man 110%..and will continue to do so unless he proves otherwise!.. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 3:40:06 AM | | I think there's a difference between being "friends" with an ex and being on "friendly terms" with an ex. Most people who say they're friends with an ex actually mean "on friendly terms" meaning they don't socialize with each other but, if they met each other on the street they'd be civil......... | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:11:21 AM | | This my thoughts on the topic- My ex had a "friend" that they were involved but are now just friends. This friend was one of the factors that ended the marriage. I was not jealous of the friend or friendship, it was the fact of how this "friend" acted around me. She was always rude & acted like a current lover rather than just a friend. In this case, I would agree with some of what you had listed in your e-mail. But, I do think that you are setting yourself up if you demand someone to change relationships to meet your needs. You need to have someone that has the same view on ex's and if they don't you need to accept it or leave. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:01:07 AM | I really think it depends on the situation. Some exs need to be gone and buried. (I mean the friendship, not the body ). Then there are some that I can remain friends with platonically. I don't think that it is cheating or unfair to a new SO. The ones that I want to stay friends with are my friends for a reason. They are "good people". Why wouldn't I want to keep them in my life? If a SO has a problem with that, then arn't they having a problem with my judge of character? And, then, what are they saying about me? | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 6:16:09 AM | | I was in a relationship for over a year where the women keep in touch with the ex and I thought all was good he was a pretty good guy but in the in they got back together. I would be weary of doing that again. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:50:20 AM |
My views:
anyone , men or women, who are in touch with any of his/her ex(s) are not respecting their current partner. By keeping your ex(s) in the name of "friends" is not right and you are creating mistrust in your relationship. Trust is something, once broken CANNOT be regained. Everyone knows that your current partner will never like you to even think of your ex, then why cannot you give yourself 100% to your current partner leaving no doubt for him/her.
If you have a kid(s) with your ex, then it is a different story. But even then, communication can be reduced to minimum.
i guess, OP, that your partner is doing this, isn't she, and that's why it's an issue now.
my condolences. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:54:23 AM | Perhaps I don't understand the definition of friendship as used in this situation. I do things with my friends. We hang out at our homes, watch movies, cook dinner, call one another and boo-hoo on each other's shoulders, cover one another's backs, pitch in during emergencies, and interact with one another on many levels.
Call me insecure, but if that is what my committed, exclusive partner (if I had one) is doing with his ex, that doesn't leave a lot of room for me.
In an interview, Princess Diana said there were three people in her marriage, Charles, Diana, and Camilla. I think that sums up how I would feel about an ex being my partner's friend. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:22:46 PM |
In regards to the women here on this site I found one interesting thing about them that they all seem to have in common in one way or another,supposedly the majority are interested in finding someone...on the other hand emotionally however most of them are stuck on their Ex's or someone they met on POF and can't move on...throw in their other issues/demands/frustrations/greed/etc and you begin to understand that many because of their experiences are not really suitable for a LTR and by hanging on to the past that is why they will probably remain here on-line for some time only playing games.
To me it's very simple...you meet someone and if you like them enough you devote your time/energy to them...when problems arise you don't run back to your Ex for advice considering the relationship failed and you improve things by communicating...if love happens you concentrate on making it romantic and not keeping in touch with the past unless there are kids involved where it's your duty...and realize that whatever future you have it's with your new companion and not the ones you left behind by being loyal.If you really can't let go or think it's improper to do so,then maybe it's better you stay single without pretending you want a committed relationship and remain faithful to your past without ever having anything solid to prevent hurting someone who truly wants to find the real thing.
I could not have written better.
But not all women here are stuck in past. There were few replies by women here who understand the issue and have enough confidence to find a mate soon. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:02:58 PM | As is usual on POF forums, there are two sides to the story and I almost always can see both sides. There is nothing wrong with being friends with exs as others have stated. Unless the relationship ended because of some type of abuse, then that person was probably your very best friend. It doesn't matter if of the opposite sex or not.. a friend is a friend and one is wrong for asking someone to give up a friend.
But if you are in a new relationship there needs to be respect for your new partner. Talk is one thing but "going out" for lunch regularily is a different story for example. That would be asking a lot out of anyone.... | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:03:19 PM | | MikeinMass - I perfectly agree. I don't want to be married to my husband anymore, but we still have a child together. I want to keep this as amicable as possible, so if we can be decent friends, within certain boundaries, that would be great. If whomever I end up meeting, and having a serious relationship with has trouble with this, then it's not going to work. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:47:16 PM | | Even with kids, they have to make the new partner number one and the ex number two.( no pun intended). The kids see mom and dad beat eachother up emotionally then mom and dad get divorced. Then they find the new partner and its loving, wiser and healthy than the first marriage. The ex's decide to be friends? The kids will be confused and ask why didn't they just get along to begin with if they were going to end up friends? The kids begin to doubt whether the old relationship between mom and dad is right or the new one. Being cordial and being friends with the ex are two different things. The new partner should feel and be #1 and the mixed messages that can get hairy when you remain friends with the ex...the private jokes..ect exclude that newby. You also place them in the position of having to endure all the things you shared with your ex. Childbirth,college, ect and maybe they are things they won't ever get to share with the new relationship. Its cruel. If you can't let go of your ex there is something wrong with you...you are still hanging on for some morbid reason. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:56:25 PM |
anyone , men or women, who are in touch with any of his/her ex(s) are not respecting their current partner. By keeping your ex(s) in the name of "friends" is not right and you are creating mistrust in your relationship.
You could look at this the other way...a person who does not trust their partner to be anything other than friends with their ex is not respecting their current partner. If there are no reasons for distrust, such as secretive meetings and long conversations that don't include you or you only find out about them after the fact, sure, there's a basis for not trusting that there's nothing more than friendship. However, if none of those things occur, the onus for disrespect is on the insecure person by demanding or inferring that their partner should have absolutely no contact with their ex. Personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't understand the difference. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:03:12 PM | Well, it's a tricky one to pull off that's true OP.
Yet there are ex's that do get along, and can remain friendly, even though the relationship part is over.
This is more a post about Trust, and Integrity.
If you don't flaunt the ex in your current lover's face, and they are mature enough to realize that we all had 'a life before', then there shouldn't be any real problems.
Another note....I really don't think you can create 'mistrust' in another. If your actions are aboveboard, and they are distrustful, then it is their issue to deal with. If your current partner recognizes they have a problem with distrust and jealousy, and are willing to work it through, and you are not running to the ex with every little problem you have, then there is an excellent chance here to have a realistic and healthy adult relationship.
Kimbo | |
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