| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:06:48 PM | | The only ex I'm still friends with is an ex that was very nice to me but we were better as friends so we called off the dating part. Any girl I date now knows that I'm not attracted to her and I have zero interest in her romantically. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:13:09 PM | so where are the boundaries with these ex's? friends that just talk on the phone and keep up with one another? favors? shoulder to cry on? are these boundaries discussed?
i lived with a man for 2 years and on each holliday his ex would call and they would stay on the phone at least an hour chatting away. i suggested they lock themselves up in a hotel room until they worked out the reason they had to stay connected and interrupt our holliday activities. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:20:45 AM |
but people in this thread who support being friends with exes are still emotionally attached with their exes and are really happy to see them. i firmly believe that these people should have worked out on their marriage.
I expect there are some people who are emotionally attatched to their ex and use friendship as a pretence to try to revive the relationship. But I think generally this is a misunderstanding of the situation. An ex is an ex because you couldn't live with them. Doesn't mean you can't like and respect them and want to maintain a friendship with them. I suppose it also depends how much you see of an ex. I have friends I see most weeks, friends I see once a month or so and friends I see a few times a year. My ex is in the last category. I might see more of him and his wife if they lived nearer.
I think the key thing is what actually happens when there is a new relationship. I told my boyfriend about my past significant relationships and told him I was still on good terms with my ex husband. When our relationship became more than casual I sugggested he might like to come and meet my ex (and his wife) on a suitable occassion, in the same way that I introduced him to other friends. He met them, got on well with them and is happy to see them. If he hadn't got on with them I would probably have visited them (them - not my ex alone) occassionally without him and expected him to be polite to them at events like my birthday party where it would be natural for both to attend. If he had thrown a jealous tantrum about me being friends with my ex I would have realised I had nisjudged him and he wasn't the sort of person I wanted a relationship with. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:44:07 AM | | i could not image not being friends with my ex. We are the lucky ones who got out when there was still a friendship to salvage. Being friends with someone is just that..being friends. I could not image a world where how loyal i was could be judged by who i am friends with. I am in complete control of myself and would not use the term friend to hide behind any other meaning. And this would go for my partner as well. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:07:01 AM |
By keeping your ex(s) in the name of "friends" is not right and you are creating mistrust in your relationship. Trust is something, once broken CANNOT be regained.
Try spinning it this way:
YOU are the one creating mistrust with your warrantless petty jealousy and accusations (whether you verbalize them or keep all that trash floating around in your dirty lil' mind). And what's this sh** aobut REGAINED?! You've never GIVEN it to begin with. And who wants to be around that kinda BS?
No one is saying be best friends with the ex, but being a pr*** to em is just childish and a waste of energy. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:08:00 AM | Anyone who can't handle their partner being friends with an ex is just painfully insecure, or, has dated such crazies themselves that they can't understand being friends with them after.
Also, I don't know about others, but I don't let my current partner dictate who I'm friends with. I would never date anyone who tried to tell me who to spend my time with or who not to . That's just lame, insecure, high school-ish behaviour.
I'm friends with all of my ex's because they were great guys, we just weren't great in a relationship together. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:46:35 AM |
I think it is perfectly fine to be friends with your ex.I was married 16 years and have a great friendship with my ex wife. Have run into women who can't handle this,and it is a sign of jealousy and insecurity.
it's due to his own insecurities and I am not a babysitter nor am I going to stop contact with a friend of 20 years because he doesn't like me talking to him.
Or it's a sign of self respect and knowing that being friends with exes is often marked with doom and pain, and serves as a red flag along with trumpets.
Someone is likely to be in the position of power. Someone dumped someone likely against their will here. That person will probably have that power over the other for eternity. You want to be around someone who has something to hold over your head like that?
You want to hold a woman's emotion in your grasp for the rest of your life? Dump her.
I'm more likely to accept a girl being friends with an ex if she's the one who dumped him. Of course, 0.1% isn't much higher than 0%.
Just look around here at posts about exes screwing up new relationships... all the unresolved crap that just needs buried, not churned up again and again with every conversation with the ex.
Insecurity, indeed. It's more like not being a damn idiot. Contact with exes sparks old feelings that are acted upon ALL THE TIME. It has nothing to do with security of myself. And you know what happens when these contacts occur? It's not the bad feelings that are remembered. It's the good ones. This is why all these people try things again with exes and ultimately end up back where they started. They forgot about all the bad crap that made them split up to begin with.
This doesn't come to asking or expecting another to stop being friends with their ex. It is something that should just happen because it is the wisest course of action in a relationship. People who view their relationship as a top priority do not do things which will jeopardize it.
Any woman who allows male friends with whom she continues to associate with is not a viable LTR option. She is not doing anything "wrong," but she is not a viable candidate.
I haven't said a word to them in a long time. They try to contact occasionally. I ignore it. New woman appreciate not having to deal with the stress of old girlfriends.
Make a decision here. What is more important? A weird friendship with an ex, or a fully healthy and functional romantic relationship with a new person? Pick one. If it's not ridding yourself of the ex, you are unworthy of a healthy new relationship. You should be doing this without any asking of the new person just because YOU know it's the right thing to do and you don't want there to be potential problems or issues that will jeopardize things.
You still have feelings about the ex? Too bad. All the more reason to stay away from them. Your emotional intimacy belongs to the new person. THEY deserve all those feelings. If they don't get them all, you don't belong in that relationship.
You guys wonder why you're in such bad straits when it comes to relationships. All these divorces... all these whines about not finding good people. YOU are not good people. You're not dedicated to being worthy for long term relationship bonding. You simply care about what only you want. You don't care about the relationship. You don't want to sacrifice. You shouldn't have gotten into these "long friendships with my ex that i can't end now" to begin with. Break up, cut ties, move on encumbered, bright eyed and ready to truly bond with a new person without this baggage that screws everything up.
All this shaming about insecurity is a cop out to allow yourselves to do what you want. It's rationalization to allow you to do as you please. "oh it's YOUR problem. i can act inappropriately and you're not allowed to say or do anything without looking dumb."
I'd never ask anyone to stop seeing their ex because I'd know they were not prepared to be serious relationship material anyway.
"Controlling" is the other shame word. No,i'm not controlling. The only person i control is me. Don't meet my standards of conduct, and I leave. It's pretty simple. Either way is fine. Good luck dating all the losers you get on message boards to whine about.
I'm friends with all of my ex's because they were great guys, we just weren't great in a relationship together.
Do you care about a new great relationship with even better guys or not?
Do you not have other friends that don't involve the complications that you can't sacrifice a few for the person you claim to love so much beyond all others that you are ready to make a life commitment to him? Doesn't sound like much of a commitment if you can't remove one or two obstacles from your life for them without being asked. I have lots of friends. I can make lots of new friends. I haven't even met my woman yet, but I already know I love her so much that I'm preparing to create us the best of worlds right now.
If your ex is more important than a life long partner that you expect to sacrifice for you, then you are undeserving of that partner.
Keep on half assing your relationships as you half ass the rest of your lives.
Who is right? All of you that have craploads of exes that you are friends with (because you choose to commit to mates of questionable quality to begin with) and ultimately fail with because you keep repeating the same patterns of FAILED behavior? I don't think so.
Keep playing with fire, and keep getting burned.
has dated such crazies themselves that they can't understand being friends with them after.
...or respect and love my future partner(s) so much since they are so great since I chose them, that i unload the burden of me having exes as friends before it ever becomes an issue. It is the great gift of all: one they don't even know i've given them and expect no accolades for.
I have no need for exes as friends. I have more than enough friends that my cupboard is not bare when i respect my future women by unburdening self of baggage.
I'm not talking about when you have to be 'friends' with exes when you have kids with them. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:49:57 AM |
I'm friends with all of my ex's because they were great guys, we just weren't great in a relationship together.
This is what all the women who are "friends" with their exes say. But they dont realize what does that mean. Simply put, they cannot be in relationship with great guys. There is something wrong in them which they should find out. Either they should find guys who are not great and stick to them or remain single and avoid the time of great guys and avoid making them exes.
I see a few times a year. My ex is in the last category. I might see more of him and his wife if they lived nearer.
Thank God they are not near, otherwise you would have broken their relationship.
If he had thrown a jealous tantrum about me being friends with my ex I would have realised I had nisjudged him and he wasn't the sort of person I wanted a relationship with.
People will similar thinking spend their time in POF and not able to find a LTR mate. But then i guess they are happy with short term hooking.
And who wants to be around that kinda BS?
Yeah, people like to be on POF better | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:50:41 AM |
You could look at this the other way...a person who does not trust their partner to be anything other than friends with their ex is not respecting their current partner.
The ex should have been gotten rid of before even meeting the new partner.
Allowing it to potentially become an issue is the problem to begin with.
I can respect your wishes to be friends with your exes. Go ahead. By all means. But i'm going to do the respecting from very, very far away while you sit all hurt and alone wondering why all your relationships fail (because you're not serious about them and truly wanting to bond with ONE). | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:59:33 AM | I think it's okay to be friends with your ex, as long as your not sleeping with them, and it's strictly platonic. My ex and I have kids together, and we have remained friendly. It's better for the kids that way. It enables us to effectively co-parent. Many times when couples split they harbor hatred towards each other- and to me- thats no way to live. I think that many times when people get together there will be hesitance and doubt about each other and their faithfulness (insecurity issues), and ex's being friends increases this insecurity. But I think if you truely love someone, you know when they are and aren't faithful, and it's easier to accept a friendship relationship with the ex that way. And this is the kind of relationship you want with someone. A relationship full of trust and acceptance.
If you trust your significant other, than there is no reason to worry. If you don't, then maybe you shouldn't be dating that person. If your insecure everytime you're in a relationship, then you need counseling. Not every partner is out to screw around on you. And it's not fair to blame your partner if you have trust issues- unless you actually have logical reasons to not trust them (i.e. you caught them sleeping with their ex). | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:05:30 AM | I wonder which is shorter -- your fuse or your d***. Are you having difficulty holding on to women and looking for outside sources to blame it on instead of yourself?
My ex's wife went on vacation but ended up setting up residence in another state and filing for a divorce under that state's laws which are more favorable to her situation. He called me... for advice and a little shoring up. He's 500 miles away. I doubt I'm gonna jump his bones.
My partner died in a car crash. My ex came running, made a run to Wally World (knowing I'd be having lots of company), loaded some minutes onto my TracFone (tm), etc. Our divorce was very ugly. Although we've moved past that over the years, ain't no way in h*** I'd so much as kiss the man... although we've given each other hugs of support in times of mourning.
We don't have to communicate anymore. Our kids are grown. But we're all not up each other's a** either. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:20:33 AM | All I can do is speak for myself, but I've got to say, none of my relationships failed because of anything to do with ex's - theirs or mine.
It was all about the way we interacted with each other, not how we were with anybody else.
I can not believe the level of insecurity and controlling-ness some people so proudly display and seem to think that it's normal or ok. Deny it all you want, but it's rank immaturity, insecurity and trust and control issues. Period.
People you have known for ages and have been through a ton of things with don't simply disapear because someone new showed up.
I was with a guy for five years - we went through important things - university graduation, family deaths, moving to work in a Asia - five years worth of stuff doesn't disapear just because we lost the 'spark' and decided to move on.
That time period in a persons life doesn't disapear just because you broke up with the person you were dating at the time. That guy and I email a lot and see each other at Xmas or the summer, and my boyfriends since have not had a problem with it, because they are big people and understand that a romance is over, but that doesn't mean you have to throw a hissy fit and banish the person from your life and try to erase the memories of a whole time period just for some new shmoe.
And that's not even getting into people who have kids. My most recent ex has two children and he and their mother need to get along. I realize that and do not mind. Adults have to take all factors of a situation into consideration.
So if you're dating a teenager, who's longest relationship was 6 months and the most important thing that happened in it was that they went to prom together, then yeah, maybe you can expect that there's no need for the ex's to be around. But us big kids have a different reality.
Maybe someday cmdrfunk and others like him will grow up. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:35:20 AM |
So if you're dating a teenager, who's longest relationship was 6 months and the most important thing that happened in it was that they went to prom together, then yeah, maybe you can expect that there's no need for the ex's to be around. But us big kids have a different reality.
Umm...I'm a very mature woman, was happily married until death parted us, and the only communication between exes that I could accept would be about children, finances, and serious health issues.
There is absolutely no way I would be willing to be in a relationship with someone who ran to an ex spouse everytime we had a tiff, or out to dinner with them, or exchanging long "remember when" emails, phone calls, or coffee meetings.
There is a difference between being civil and courteous, and being friends. There is even a difference when a ex is willing to pitch in during a life or death crisis. But to maintain a friendship type relationship with an ex is out of my boundaries. I might also add to continue the battles of marriage and divorce long after it is over is also out of bounds for me. I don't want someone to love or hate their ex. I just want the ex to be where most memories belong, in the past or at high school reunions. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:46:13 AM | Maybe someday cmdrfunk and others like him will grow up.
But then again, may be people who so vehemently disagree with cmdrfunk will one day wake up and smell the coffee, and realize how spot on he's been. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:49:35 AM | | That's complete BS. I've been friends for years with lots of exes. You get more real friendship out of them when you're not in a primary relationship. Doubt is in your primary's mind. I go out sometimes with my last ex, while his girlfriend has business engagements. We're just on the honor system. He goes out with other women too. We don't have sex, don't really even want to. I've always had exes in my life who called, wrote, borrowed $50. Take me out to pay the $50 back. Even went to the hospital to help one through a liver transplant. Had to encounter his present girlfriend. She had a fight with him and cleared off. I fetched the mother from the airport and saw he got a caregiver. You can get a lot of friendship and genuine caring out of exes that isn't forthcoming when they are the main one, because you aren't giving them any space to be anything but that Walt Disney prince. The best living I ever did was with exes. One lent me the $500 to get out of my drunken mother's house, get a student loan and get a life. Exes are the best. I swear by exes. Well, not all. A few need to just stay lost. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:50:48 AM | | I expect that I will always be fast friends with my current gal, even after she disappoints me to such a degree that I boot her lazy, self-righteous, entitled butt to the kerb. (Is there not an alternate place to which one's butt might be booted??) | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:57:40 AM |
I've been friends for years with lots of exes.
Good Grief How many times have you been married? Being friends with an ex bf/gf is not even in the same strata as an ex being a facet of a monogamous, committed relationship. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:59:41 AM | [Everyone knows that your current partner will never like you to even think of your ex, then why cannot you give yourself 100% to your current partner leaving no doubt for him/her.]
OP, I just had to check out your profile.... well
... Not single/not looking ... hmmm, so how much time are you giving to your current partner, seeing that you are on a dating site..... I'd rather have my partner be friends with an Ex. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:42:06 AM | Me:
You could look at this the other way...a person who does not trust their partner to be anything other than friends with their ex is not respecting their current partner.
You:
The ex should have been gotten rid of before even meeting the new partner.
Allowing it to potentially become an issue is the problem to begin with.
I can respect your wishes to be friends with your exes. Go ahead. By all means. But i'm going to do the respecting from very, very far away while you sit all hurt and alone wondering why all your relationships fail (because you're not serious about them and truly wanting to bond with ONE).
Interesting...because I'm in a 4 1/2+ year relationship now with someone (he comes here for the forums too) and we both interact with our exes on a friendly basis. If either of us had a problem with it, we wouldn't be together. Interesting that you're still looking while being so rigid and I'm not. The other two men I had a relationship with between my divorce and this current relationship didn't break up becauese I maintained a friendship with other exes...it was for other reasons and I broke it off and none of it had to do with "other people". Kinda blows your theory all to he!! about sitting around being hurt and alone, doesn't it...and the same holds true for many other responders here. I'm friends on a limited basis (not daily, weekly or even monthly contact) with all my exes, but then I'm not an angry, controlling, insecure individual and neither are they. It's one of the reasons we all liked each other in the first place - we didn't hold grade school insecurities, nor were any of us control freaks and all but one of us are in "new" relationships of a minum of 4 years. I'm sorry the people that either your choose or you, yourself, can't open your relationship horizons and understand that past relationships can and do evolve into something other than a continuation of romantic love. Perhaps one day you'll get it, but I doubt it. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 11:09:45 AM | A friend is a friend...whether or not their sexual organs dangle is NOT an issue. How could you be in a relationship with someone for years and years (I'm assuming you consider your SO a "friend" when you're with them...) and just turn your back and walk away from that friendship as though it meant nothing when you decide to call it quits???
I am friends with 99% of my exes, and am quite proud of the fact. We remain in contact (although not nearly as much as when we were dating) and are interested in each others thoughts, impressions, etc. I've met a few of my exes new SO's and the majority of them have become my friends as well. Just because you stop being IN LOVE with someone, doesn't mean you don't still LOVE them as a friend! | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:05:24 PM | well cmdrfunk, i haven't always agreed with your posts on previous threads but this time i am impressed with what you write.
i think the reason other posters disagree with us on this topic is due to a few things:
immaturity: "i have self-controll and will not sleep with my ex", thats game playing, pure and simple. it's cognitive reasoning that is oblivious to the nature of true intimacy.
passion: these are not deeply passionate people. how can you have deep passionate sex and then just be casual friends with someone? not possible. i keep a distance. what was hot was hot and it doesn't go backwards.
declining values: our parents would have never in a million years been friends with their ex high school or university boyfriend or girlfriends. completely inappropriate in our society until just recently. seems to be a by product of disposable marriages. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:37:45 PM | Gotta say I still disagree with your line of thinking sleeping beauty.
immaturity: "i have self-controll and will not sleep with my ex", thats game playing, pure and simple. it's cognitive reasoning that is oblivious to the nature of true intimacy.
To the contrary - it takes a mature individual to realize that relationships change. It's not game playing to know that you have no interest in sleeping with someone you once did. You don't "control" yourself if you have no desire to do a thing. It's when you have a desire to do something that you "control" yourself not to. As I stated before, to be friends with an ex in a purly plantonic way, you have to know and trust yourself and your own feelings that there is nothing but friendship there. Conversely, you also have to know and trust your partner if you have no problem with them being friends in a platonic way with their exes. It has absolutely nothing to do with "control".
passion: these are not deeply passionate people. how can you have deep passionate sex and then just be casual friends with someone? not possible. i keep a distance. what was hot was hot and it doesn't go backwards.
This speaks more to your own level of self-control once again and the fact you haven't moved on from one level to another. It also speaks to the fact that you perhaps base your relationships more on the sexual aspect of them than the relationship itself which has many other facets to it. Even within marriages passion changes and evolves. I bet you know or have heard of many people who no longer even sleep in the same bedrooms but all else about their marriages revolves around their friendship than it does about the sexual side of their relationship.
declining values: our parents would have never in a million years been friends with their ex high school or university boyfriend or girlfriends. completely inappropriate in our society until just recently. seems to be a by product of disposable marriages.
I find it interesting that you hold little value in people once there has been a sexual aspect in the equation. I don't partner with people because of sex. Sex is a by-product of valuing the person first. If there is no longer sex with the individual, it doesn't mean I value them less. I valued them as a friend first and foremost and that's what I am able to continuie to do in a mature and balanced way. The people I associate with are of the same mindset and that's why it works well. You speak of disposable marriages when what you are really doing by not being able to remain friends is to have disposable friendships. Sex and intimancy is clouding the true value of the friendship for you. It's why so many relationships are non-relationships - it's more about sex than friendship.
At any rate, I wouldn't insist that you have the ability to be friends with exes any more than you should insist it's impossible for others to remain friends with exes. We all have differing levels of experiences and insecurities and have to live within our own comfort zones. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:39:15 PM | Why not be friends? I am good friends with my ex, he is the father of my son and we had something a long,long time ago.We are way better friends now - guess some people are not meant to be long term - we were together about 4.5 yrs and I am glad of the time together or I wouldn't have our son and be the person I am. Why should it be a problem unless the new partner is insecure about certain issues. I for one am not going to waste my life worrying if my (future)partner is friends with his ex. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:44:01 PM |
passion: these are not deeply passionate people. how can you have deep passionate sex and then just be casual friends with someone? not possible. i keep a distance. what was hot was hot and it doesn't go backwards.
Interesting observations and I totally agree, although I wouldn't accuse others of not being passionate. I have always believed that once sex took place, the intimacy shared can never be reversed or downgraded. Sex changes everything. If the relationship doesn't work out, I think the ex should become a memory.
...or respect and love my future partner(s) so much since they are so great since I chose them, that i unload the burden of me having exes as friends before it ever becomes an issue. It is the great gift of all: one they don't even know i've given them and expect no accolades for.
Exactly! | |
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