| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:48:32 PM |
I am not suggesting hating your ex when i say dont be friends with them. I am saying dont communicate or keep in touch, dont cling to your past. If this is done then the problem you are bringing will not be there. Let them be EX not FRIEND or ENEMY.
I'm quite aware of what you're saying. But, I'm also more than aware that it's usually not that neutral.....it's either you still love them, or you hate them, or, they occupy some part of your head, what if you have kid's together? , It's a nice scenario.....with a dreamlike quality that you suggest....but it is really a bit magical in thought.
I mean, read some posts on here, most folks are two or more years out of relationship, and still babbling and ****hinn on and on and on and on....about what the big scary **stard ex 'did' to them.....
I don't necessarily disagree with what you say....but I'm just sayin', it's always better...for all concerned to remain 'friendly'. Not best friends........"friendly", OK?
 Kimbo | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:29:18 PM | | Sometimes people separate because they stopped having things in common to keep them together romantically involved, but they still have a friendship beyond the romance and sex. My godmother had a great friendship with both of her exes. She was even in charge of her first exes funeral because their frindship went beyond the romance. They had been friends first, then lovers, and friends again. Her other ex was ok with it, and to this day he and her are still good friends (he even went to the funeral, too). Sometimes, you have to pick and choose your battles. Is it fair for a new love to be jealous of an old love that died long ago, and all that is left is a friendship etched in each persons private life? Be jealous when there is a real reason (is this person likely to cheat, or does not include you with the ex on outings). | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/4/2009 9:04:13 PM | Good lord.
Your current SO is not Jesus, and your ex's are not Satans. To require an SO to be hateful or indifferent to their exes in order to prove their ardor for you would make most potential partners run like Forrest Gump. Except for the ones that perpetually whine about their lousy lives and their exes. At least they have one fan. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/4/2009 9:24:43 PM | For me, the key to this is simply HONESTY. If you're honest about it and you let the other person know about it up front as you get to know each other, then they get to make a decision about what's best for them. The last two attempts at relationships I've had, I ended because of dishonesty about this kind of stuff. One woman lied from the very first date (without my even asking her about it). The second woman bad mouthed her ex-fiance twice and then waited months later, the first time we were in bed to mention, oh yeah, we're great friends and he's like part of my family, does that bother you? To me, that's manipulation. Some women (and I'm guessing guys too, but I don't date guys) think that if they wait until you're really physically attracted or you've had sex, that you'll agree to anything. I ended both relationships because of that.
On the other hand, I'm great friends with a woman who, on the first date said "Oh, I'm great friends with all my exes!" I decided for that (and other reasons) that it wasn't right for me, but I so appreciated how damned honest and up front she was that I stayed friends with her (I don't talk to the two women I mentioned above at all). I also introduced her to a guy friend of mine and they dated for a bit and then she met someone who was incredibly perfect for her.
I hear people in this thread doing a lot of name calling and psychoanalyzing, but in the end, everyone is different and that's ok. There are plenty of people around who stay friends with exes and plenty of people around who don't and plenty of people somewhere in between. There's zero need to try to change each other or judge or attack each other for personal preferences. Like I said, the key thing is honesty. Am I actually a friend to this person that I'm interested in? Am I being fake and hiding or repressing things about myself that I don't hide around friends? | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:16:04 AM | | jayo, i will agree with you that honesty is paramount. but once again i have to agree with bandito when he says that it is dysfunctional to retain one's ex's in ongoing friendships. does it really serve you to be accepting and supportive of that which you know to be unethical? although i am beginning to think these folk only had friendships with their ex's from the very beginning that didn't develop into intimate relationships. friendships with some sex. so they cut out the sex and back to just friends. how special. it takes maturity to develop intimacy. | |
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| What about this then?
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:30:09 AM | | Ok is it fair to also have pictures of you and your ex around the house? | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/5/2009 2:52:58 AM | | Thier is nothing wrong with being friends with your ex and you have to be if thier is childeren . But it stops thier you dont need to be meeting and going out to dinner or anything like that allso you dont need to be going to childeren fuctions together it gives the childeren the idea that you might being trying to work things out and get back together. They are an ex you fell out of love and you couldnt live with or you wouldnt be with a SO, so why spend time with them. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/19/2009 10:23:48 PM | you can call it jelousy if you must, but i just recently meet a man and dropped him for this very reason
The man ha been divorced for 20 years, had a few years live in situation after that, where the lady died of cancer. Not once had i heard him mention the lady that passed away, but the wife he divorced 20 yrs ago, managed to creep into the conversation every day and how wonderful she is and how they are best of friends. Its of course only his side of the story, but what brocke the camels back was the fact that after 20 years having been divorced, he still refers to his first wife as MY WIFE. He successfully made me feel like all he wanted is a stand in for his x-wife . He did not get over her, went to her place for major Holidays ALONE and made it clear he has every intentions of continuing this....even IF he were to remarry.
Well people, If am married to somene, does it mean that i will take second seat to first wife, will not be included in that so called friendship , would be doomed to spend major holidays alone? so he can be with his x-wife he so foundly calls my wife?
For all the tags you people place on people for not being accepting of x's being best friends, not one of you admitted that in a split up, one will have residual feelings and will use every trick in the book for contact with their "lost love"
Peoples greates excuse is the kids, for the kids...when in fact its more personal then that...and when you are not invited to be part of that friendship, that alone veryfy that thinking | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/19/2009 10:28:29 PM |
and your ex's are not Satans
After looking at my exes....I wouldn't be so sure one or two weren't legions of the underworld. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/19/2009 10:33:36 PM | I have a couple of exes I would not be friends with but I would love to be civil acquaintances with my ex-husband of 16 years. Since he lives with our daughter, it makes it hard on her for us to be sniping at one another. But... since he wants to continue to prefer to live in his denial and blaming, I have to just tolerate the knothead. 
Unlike you, I would not have issues with my partner remaining friends with an ex. Chances are, since he chose both of us, she and I will likely be somewhat alike and have a few common denominators...
You can either fight it and cause troubled waters in your relationship or you can turn your lemon into lemonade... That ownership stuff sux tho'... I'd really be worried if I was THAT intimidated by my partner's ex. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/19/2009 10:45:33 PM | well, there are varying degrees of friendship..if you're talking hang out at each others' place all day and go out ,etc..then yeah, that can't be healthy..
It sounds like you almost would go for putting a shock collar around your mate. I totally think of my ex-husband and my ex-bfs as exes. And I have way too much respect for myself, them , relationships, and people in general to have boundary issues. If there were some, it would mean one or both partners is not ready to move on , and in that case I'd agree that being in contact isn't healthy (but I'd also say that pursuiting a new relationship isn't healthy until you have closure either).
My man is with me because he wants to be and that is the way I want it. If I can't trust him to with members of the opposite sex, including his ex, then he is really not the man for me anyway. I don't do controlling. He's a big boy..or he's not with me =)
My friendships with exes are not such that I go hang out with them and I probably wouldn't want that. Though, I've run into exes at parties, and that's simply not an issue. And I'd never disrespect a partner by making them have any doubts.
With kids, you really need to still be parents, and that means also , to a degree..partners. People who date people with kids need to understand that the kids have to come first. Communication should absolutely NOT be reduced to a minimum where kids are concerned, that is ridiculous. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/19/2009 10:58:14 PM | "I would love to be civil acquaintances with my ex-husband of 16 years. Since he lives with our daughter, it makes it hard on her for us to be sniping at one another."
After 8 years of custody battles waged by my exes 2nd wife I finally learned that it takes two to battle... and I opted out. Took 2 years of opting out for them to finally realize I wasn't going to engage with them.
Today my kids (now adults) still see that their father and I can get along very nicely. We are amicable. They finally got that I would have had to become like their stepmother for the marraige to work ... and they are glad I am not like her.
I would have liked to stay on friendly terms. I would not have engaged with him socially unless we belonged to the same group.
My daughter is on amicable terms with her recent ex. I'll have to see how close they stay ... friends or merely friendly or just acquiantances or further and further apart as time passes. They do have common friends. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:06:02 PM | I would have liked to stay on friendly terms. I would not have engaged with him socially unless we belonged to the same group.
Ohhh... you can believe I have resisted "engaging with him socially" but it's kinda tough when he's living with your daughter and grandson. I've told my daughter that I didn't divorce him so that I could spend every special occasion with him thereafter... Unfortunately, she is so bent on helping him with his unrelenting alcoholism that I can only do my best to keep the peace. I have to admit tho'... it just makes me crazy sometimes...
After 8 years of custody battles waged by my exes 2nd wife I finally learned that it takes two to battle... and I opted out. Took 2 years of opting out for them to finally realize I wasn't going to engage with them.
I think you deserve a big "atta girl" for that!!! The high road is always tougher to take but it sure feels good in hindsight doesn't it? Good for you Cncgandolf...  | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 2:29:13 AM | To each his own, OP. I'm not exactly friends with my ex but I am with his family.
And I'm happy to be invited to several family get togethers each year so that my child can experience the benefits of having both his parents there.
Three times in the last two years my ex has been hospitalized with very serious heart conditions and once we were called by the hospital staff because they didn't think he was going to make it.
Twice this summer I've had to deal with 'what if' funeral arrangements and yes, I did go visit him in the hospital.
There's no disrespect to any potential dating partners in my eyes. In fact I should think that shrugging instead would be a greater turn off. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 2:40:39 AM | | for one it depends on the reasons for breaking up if you break up as friends then of course it's fine to be friends but not all breakups are that simple they can be long drawn out and messy so my answer is ....depends how you break up.... | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 12:22:01 PM | "she is so bent on helping him with his unrelenting alcoholism that I can only do my best to keep the peace. I have to admit tho'... it just makes me crazy sometimes... "
I owe it all to Al-Anon .... his 2nd wife was often drunk .. Al-anon taught me how to cope with her behavior. They taught me how to disengage. In the years that followed I have successfully navigated graduations and weddings and baptisms ... even with both of them drinking heavily at each event. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 12:40:03 PM | I firmly believe if it makes your current partner uncomfortable then your ex should understand that...I think it is natural to not want your Significant Other to be "tooo chummy" with your ex....An intelligient and respectful ex would understand...
If the ex did not respect your current relationship or was of the "manipulative" nature then they may move in to be "chummy" without regard of how it makes the person in your current relationship feel(basically they may not care because they may be wanting to break the 2 of you up)...If you are the person allowing the ex to be too chummy and it bothers your current b/f or g/f then you may need to reevaluate your level of sensitivity to your ex's feelings...Do you place the feelings of your current partner in high regard? That's sorta like "playing games" if your aware that it bothers your current significant other...
So anyway my answer is "NO" don't think it is fair to be so chummy with them...very few people are mature and secure enough to pull that off...
I do agree with prior poster that ex's don't gotta be viewed as "Satan", but you don't gotta be too chummy with them...you can be friendly, cordial, make the necessary casual communication, but not to the point your current spouse is uncomfortable...You should be considerate of your current partner's feelings... | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 12:43:15 PM | Unless you have children, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be friends with your ex. The person is your ex for a reason. Did they cheat on you, lie to you, beat you, etc? If you're continuing to be friends with this person then the behaviour they exhibited is acceptable to you.
It's not only about trusting someone. It's more than that. If you feel the need to have this person as a friend you're not letting go of what you had. You want your cake and eat it too. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 12:44:44 PM | Nope.
Dumpers who want friendship with a dumpee are essentially saying:
"I want all the benefits of being in a relationship with you, without being in a relationship with you...."
Selfish!? I think so. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 12:56:00 PM | This is an interesting question, because there are two different things being looked at.
What kind of freinds/interaction are you talking about?
How often does this interaction take place?
I personally think it's awesome when people CAN have a good relationship with their ex; especially when kids are involved; because it keeps things not only civil but positive. It is a true blending of families.
But I have also seen the ones where it is more than friends; they are almost still "connected" to them (having the ex call constantly wanting help, wanting to vent about life ing eneral, wanting them over for supper, where constant time, interaction; they are almost still in a fundamental support role; where the new person (if there is a new person) will always fall into a secondary role. It is almost like some guys with their mothers... when the ex calls they drop everything and go running; talk on an almost daily basis and have an integral, central part in their life still. This is something that has kind of a fine line; becaues in a way it is almost like they're really not broken up; and it could make a new person feel extraneous... they are not an ex; they are a "current" in everything but sleeping adn living together (though some people even do that too, which is a whole different thread) :)
I think some middle ground is reasonable and healthy; anything more than that is a person that has not moved on or let go.
At least in my very humble opinion. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 1:29:41 PM | If I was ever involved with a man, it means we were first and foremost FRIENDS before any dating happened. If the romantic aspect wasn't okay with us, we reverted to being friends.
Any current partner who has a problem with that will not last long with me. He'd better figure out what he's really afraid of, and decide if he will constructively govern himself, because I do not drop my friends. I would give him NO reason to be jealous, either. Any notions he might have of my messing around are all in his own head. I have no time for that. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 2:06:17 PM | "But I have also seen the ones where it is more than friends; they are almost still "connected" to them (having the ex call constantly wanting help, wanting to vent about life in general, wanting them over for supper, where constant time, interaction; they are almost still in a fundamental support role; where the new person (if there is a new person) will always fall into a secondary role. It is almost like some guys with their mothers... when the ex calls they drop everything and go running; talk on an almost daily basis and have an integral, central part in their life still. This is something that has kind of a fine line; becaues in a way it is almost like they're really not broken up; and it could make a new person feel extraneous... they are not an ex; they are a "current" in everything but sleeping and living together (though some people even do that too, which is a whole different thread) :)"
Well put Moonbeamlover....I did not define it as well as you have here, but that is what I meant when I said "too chummy"...doesn't make sense to be so chummy when there is a whole world full of people to hang out and talk with... | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:11:41 PM | | I t is possible to be friends with your ex.. My ex is a good friend of mine , she is marry now and has a baby, we laugh and whenever she has time we go for beer or coffee. It takes a lot growing up to be mature enough from the two people to be friends after dated each other... | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/20/2009 7:20:57 PM |
Everyone knows that your current partner will never like you to even think of your ex, then why cannot you give yourself 100% to your current partner leaving no doubt for him/her.
Just because "everyone" allegedly knows something doesn't make it true.
If I have a friendship with someone going into a relationship, then I would very quickly end said relationship if she expects that I'm going to sever ties with any of my friends, male or female. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/21/2009 12:05:21 AM | | 90% percent of my "ex-s" are were my friends first, and are my friends now. Keep your trust issues to yourself. No one give 100 percent of themselves to anyone...everyone keeps things from THEMSELVES, it's called denial. This sounds like a thread that may need to go away. | |
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