| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:34:15 PM | ppl seem to have quite a few questions about this: I'll do my best to answer them.
I have been divorced for a long time...7 years?
We started chatting the day I signed up for POF. Lots of e-mail lots of phone chat. We met: And yes I became involved with him much too quickly, but thats not the issue, or is it? *grin* I have voiced my concerns about the intensity of this relationship. There is no doubt about that. I'm not a believer in the whole "love at first sight idea". Suffice to say: We just really hit it off. So, true, that had I not put myself into this position I wouldn't be here. I understand that, VERY clearly. I'm also not sure if I believe in the concept of a "rebound" either. He said he was ready to date, and I believed him. The fact that I like him and he likes me: This should be a "good thing". Like I said in a previous post: She hasn't given him the time of day for 6 months. The fact that she came into his house, is telling on her part. He was getting over it. She wanted him to sit at home and pine for her. When that stopped happening, she reacted. Thats how I see this. Now....Lets talk about how "we rushed" or the re-bound concept. I don't need to be involved with someone who may reconcile with their ex. Although, that could happen to any of us. I'm feeling vulnerable in more ways than one. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:01:53 PM | Baggage to me are issues that are yet to be stowed away where they can do no harm to a new relationship. Some people have healed and really have little. Some people hold onto to it for way longer, sometimes forever. Guilt is big baggage, so are unresolved feelings, be it anger or love, for someone else. I cannot deal with all of that, it is time consuming and draining to say the least.
Your man has baggage, OP. You have to decide if the expressway is as safe as the scenic route to a relationship. I would say that you are not playing it safe enough, either with your heart or your well-being. There is no big hurry, is there? | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:12:21 PM |
The fact that I like him and he likes me: This should be a "good thing".
It is a good thing... and 3 weeks is long enough to become "involved" as you're obviously not rushing to live together or become married!
How he handles the ex will let you know if this is baggage or just an unfortunate situation.
If he is reluctant to deal with her via changing locks calling police etc... it may be that he is still too involved with her and you may want to move on. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:26:48 PM | Exactly, I'm not planning in marrying this guy! I just met him! I thought, he thought....That this was over with the ex...? Apparently she didn't feel the same way...
Before this happened I was happy. I though I had met this great guy with great potential...Most internet dating has not been that much of a sucess for me. But, the sneaking into the house: I'm finding this "disconcerting" (to say the least). But, everyone on here is correct about one thing. I am probably making a serious mistake, from my own "folly". If I keep seeing him, which I can't decide if I will. The ball is in his court. We'll see how he handles it. Crap; He could tell me tonight that he is going to attempt a reconcilliation or he could tell me the opposite? Who knows....? I'll keep ya'll posted.... | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:52:56 PM | Carry on limit??
Well, it really depends on the internal resources one has had to deal with it.
Some people have told me such stories that I wonder if, under the same circumstances, I would have survived the experience.
As long as one has the resources to cope and to integrate the pain in a healthy way......I don't see a problem. It depends how much one can take, keeping a sane mind. Some people will never recover from emotional damage ( earlier cases of parental abuse, for example). These are the people who needs most help and should be the most careful in establishing relationships. Some do need to work their own issues out before they learn to rely on somebody. It kind of sucks, but that is the way it works ( exceptions granted).
Personally, I have a low tolerance for somebody that hasn't done one's own work. I am not willing to carry their baggage. They have to lift it themselves. Even if I could lift it for them, that won't help them in the long run. They either have the strength to carry it, or they have to open the baggage and get rid of stuff themselves. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:13:04 PM | Sneaking in eh?? How do you not know that this guy is still getting some action from the ex?? I mean you HAVE only known him for a brief time. What did he tell you about the situation.. after it happened? WHY does she still have a key? What was she looking for?? details.. we need details.. to give you proper advice..
My first thought is he is still sleeping with the ex and you..
men do like their "cake and eat it too" you should probably back off..
until you know more about this guy.
just saying.. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:22:24 PM | Ummmmmmmmmm
RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
Lisc123...you're making the ex coming back in the house sound airy and light and honestly it's a far cry from that! ANYONE who does what she does will do it again. Emergency room? How about not waking up at all? How would your kids deal with this??? You might reconsider your involvement with him and perhaps slooooowwwwwwww down. As in, until he gets the locks changed on that house you do NOT go over there again. Your post made the hair on my neck stand up and made me very uncomfortable. Do you know how many people are killed in domestic violence situations every single day? Trust me when I say I'm not overreacting sweetie.
Have a long talk with him about this and explain that you can't see things moving forward until she no longer has access. That shouldn't even HAVE to be a conversation--he should have changed the locks and called the police. Unless, as someone else has alluded to, there's a damn good reason this woman can come and go as she chooses.
This isn't "baggage"--well I suppose you COULD call it "unclaimed baggage" as in he's not picked it up and stowed it properly away. There should be no reason that his ex is floating around visiting him while he's sleeping--alone or with you.
You have to decide if YOU can live with this "baggage." Me? The moment that I knew she'd been there while I was there in her old house sleeping]/b], there would be no more sleeping over anywhere. That's just too scary to even contemplate.
Mr. Wonderful needs to get that together--now. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:35:14 PM | OP I know it may have sounded like I was passing judgment, that wasn't it.
My first thought is he is still sleeping with the ex and you.. I went with a man that was divorced and said his ex was crazy. She even showed up at his house when we were coming back from dinner one night. She said something about asking him who he was f'ing the previous night. We got inside and there were multiple calls and he said she was nuts etc. etc.
We had gone out a few times. I helped him set up a myspace page. I let him know his "heirloom" print and set of Harry Potter books were worth less than what he paid. He had a Mustang that sat in his garage. Things didn't add up to me.
He called me to cancel a date one night and the next thing I knew, I saw his myspace photo had his ex wife in it Needless to say, I didn't go out with him again and was glad I didn't let him go farther. I know there are quite a few people on here with similar stories.
Don't loose your heart too fast. Be careful.
Goodluck | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:35:34 PM | 23 years of relationship vs 3 weeks of relationship?
you have just met this man.... all is cosy and you're feeling wonderful.
then his ex of 23 years shows up and spoils the love fest.
you only know what he's told you of his past with this woman. there's a lot of history with his "former" partner and if she's still around it's obvious their relationship isn't all over.
if you think he's worth it give him the chance.....your call.
i hope you're right about this man and that it all works out ok with you two.....but.....
be very aware that he may be playing you.....with you! | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 6:48:32 PM | I believe when we allow words to have trust without the proof of action we clearly sabatoge ourself!
When you allow others to have trust without proving the words are true who can you blame?
I would back up, set boundries and wait for him to come to you...why prey tell would you allow your integrity to be raped with simple words without actions to back up trust.
Do not sell yourself short my girl....goodluck
if their is no restraining order keep the toes out of places she can intrude in.
If he is into you he will prove it! goodluck lil fish.
is his chit pile to deal and do not let him pawn the dust into your time with him!!!
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:26:38 PM | Maybe not marriage, but after 23 years, certainly common law. Which *does* have to be disposed of legally, doesn't it? Where are they in that process?
You know, we still don't know what happened. Did anyone wake up? Was anyone confronted? If not, how does anyone know anyone else was there?
Bunny boiling, so far as I know, is a Hollywood deal. Clearly, judging by all the chills and fears and cheesy organ music here, it had a BIG impact on a whole lotta peeps. The actual reality? (With lights on.) I doubt very scary. Annoying as hell, no doubt.
So far, no evidence that he has any baggage that I can see. Baggage *isn't* trubble; baggage is unresolved issues from the past that undermine what's going on in the present. He *may* have them, but they sure haven't been presented here.
My vote: give the boy a chance.
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:42:54 PM | OP - I still say..
"to heck with all this "baggage" crap..
buy yourself a gun, and show this nut
just how much you are going to take..!!"
Otherwise......... quit your da*n whining and
start taking the shlt you gonna be eatin for
the rest of that relationship..
YOU either nip it in the bud...
or you reap what you sow..
I don't know what the heck culture you live in
where "people" can roam around your bedroom
while sleeping..!!
Sorry for being so direct..
But I call em like I see em..
and YOUR situtation is NOT a "funny" one..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:51:13 PM | "I guess only time is going to tell."
Don't you think that time has already told you. stop:
Unless you like drama and danger ....................RUN!: | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:05:04 PM | I swear: Ya'll are brilliant! Not joking I have so appreciated everyone's comments!
I am just trying to figure this out. And to be honest: I'm not sure that "sharing" was the best...but, I needed it (the sharing)....Again I do appreciate everyone on here..Thanks!
Like I said I will keep ya'll posted. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:03:26 AM | ^^^^^^^^ yes keep us posted…..lol
You see us lurkers live by this stuff…heehee…kidding aside….
A Fashion Lady says
This isn't "baggage"--well I suppose you COULD call it "unclaimed baggage" as in he's not picked it up and stowed it properly away. There should be no reason that his ex is floating around visiting him while he's sleeping--alone or with you.
You have to decide if YOU can live with this "baggage." Me? The moment that I knew she'd been there while I was there in her old house sleeping, there would be no more sleeping over anywhere.
Heheheeeh too funny but I tend to go with this one….
I come from a small town and you know everyone’s history back to the grandmother….lol I think it’s a huge risk going to a mans apartment that your just getting to know. I realize it may inevitable in this day and age especially if they love to cook…lol
I had a friend who was dating a separated man who’s wife still had the keys to his house…..it is not right. There are no words for this…lol Women are territorial ….”those sheets are mine”….
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:26:08 AM | I dated a man once who had unresolved issues with his ex and she persued him relentlessly once she knew he was dating me. Before that, she rarely spoke to him. The locks were changed and he ignored her. Still, there were incidences with her that did not all together make sense to me and he lied to me about her communicating with her still. His brother unknowingly told me, so I walked away from him. Way too much drama for me and the lies are not something that I could tolerate.
At least, slow things down and get to know him outside of the bed.
How do you feel about marriage? He lived with someone for 23 years and they were not married, hmmmm...............if you want a relationship that may lead to marriage, then you might want to have a heart-to heart with him about whether he believes in it or not. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:31:24 AM | ........how's about
Why bye the whole pig when all he offers is a lil piece of sausage
Lots do this crap and draw in new folks to thier drama filled life and actually get off on the make up, becareful girl.....23 years of habbit might just be an alternate lifestyle
 life is like a box of chocolates ..spit out the ones that taste like chit
don't allow your integrity to be assumed....trust is earned !
wipes tongue and brushes teeth....roar.tosses toothbrush over edge of boat...careful for ick fish! the scum does hit the boat first.....pour's bleach ...this part close to rocks is always questionable.....smiles have a sun shinney day | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:02:22 AM |
Okay so over 40 we ALL have some kind of baggage, right?
No. I consider baggage to be those things that someone has failed to resolve in a way that those things cause problems when dating someone new. | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:08:34 AM | **I think there's more here than meets the eye,,,
Your sign up date is 7/11
Today is 21 days since your sign up**
@newtomichiana
was just having the same thought process....
but back to the original question...I dont think of it as baggage...I live and make my choices...make decisions as an individual...it is life experience that makes me the person I am today...the only way to avoid it would be to stop living | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:01:10 PM | Personal thoughts on the OP's situation, she's already sleeping over with the fella she met just a few weeks earlier. Had she gone slow and developed a relationship first the issues with the ex might have been exposed.
Second, to all the folks who suggest keeping a gun at hand, at the ready, etc, should check the law(s) before you shoot off your mouth(s). THERE IS NO Castle Doctrine in Canada. If either the OP or the bed mate shot the intruder they have no legal protection under the law unless they were in mortal peril. W/O the protection of a Castle doctrine they were / are under a duty to retreat.
And specifically to RenMan, the majority of states in the Union do not support the Castle doctrine. And if you only count those states that fully support the Castle Doctrine, the number is even smaller.
TK
{I believe in gun control -- I hit what I aim at} | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:16:40 PM |
the folks who suggest keeping a gun at hand, at the ready, etc, should check the law(s) before you shoot off your mouth(s).
If by chance you are refering to me...
I care NOT about your (or ANY) "laws"..
waking in MY home with an intruder roaming around..
IS "mortal peril".....
Am to old, - seen too much to bandy with words..
I'd much rather be ALIVE and wrong......
then DEAD and right...
If you "believe" in gun control, and carry (w/permit ) as I,
then you are well aware of "knowing when"..
Ask..
a priest.. they may say prayer..
a woman.. may say negotiate..
a soldier.. What do you expect..?
was giving advise from MY life experiances..
In this day and age....
espically with an "intruder, in dead of night, in MY home..
I'm shooting first, and worry bout "the question and answer section" later..
BAD people seldom listen to reaason, the law, or what is right..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:30:55 PM |
If by chance you are refering to me...
I care NOT about your (or ANY) "laws"..
waking in MY home with an intruder roaming around..
IS "mortal peril".....
Am to old, - seen too much to bandy with words..
I'd much rather be ALIVE and wrong......
then DEAD and right...
If you "believe" in gun control, and carry (w/permit ) as I,
then you are well aware of "knowing when"..
Ummm, with all due respect Mr. Soldierbyte, the previous poster was referring to the OP, who is Canadian, living in Canada and is governed by the laws of Canada. We do not have the right to bear arms as you do in your country. In Canada, if guns were drawn in the situation as is described by the OP, the OP and/or her boyfriend might very well find themselves up on attempted/murder or manslaughter charges. Just claryifying what seems to be a misunderstanding.  | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:38:47 PM | Okey-dokey.. Ms.Tink,
I do understand "laws"..
but I have seen in many countries..
that when the good citizens are unarmed..
they are often preyed upon by the armed bad..
The law is for lawyers to determine legalities..
I only pray I am never put into a situtation as the OP..
And again.. my advise.. was that from a soldier..
I am afriad (and at times embarressed) that I am
not very well versed with "turn the cheek"..
I will pay more attention...
Now..
(from other threads.. - SEE..!! men DO apolgize)..
AND..
will you marry me..??
or at lease let me live with you for a few months..??
I promise to behave, not grope, and refrain from
chattin bout ex's and such...
xoxoxo
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Baggage and the carry-on limit
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:44:16 PM | When my ex moved out one of the first things I did was change all the locks on the doors and changed to code to the garage doors and got the garage door openers back. I caught my ex driving by a few times and always kept an eye on him when I did see him ready to call 911 if I had to, never did.
Everyone has baggage and it really irks me when I read someone's profile that reads "no baggage". This makes me want to tell the so and so why are you on the dating site, don't you have baggage? What makes you so special? I have been stalked a few times and safety first and making sure they are not following you or break into your residence and be ready to call 911 if necessary. | |
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