| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:19:36 AM | I have had very serious health issues in the past -- a liver transplant 5 years ago. And while it doesn't impact my life at all, I usually reveal that fact if things progress. Mainly because it's REALLY hard to hide a scar the size of a shark bite on my stomach.
I realize that most people this age have had some health issues, and while I'm not put off by health problems, I do have an issue with people who refuse to take care of themselves. For instance, having heart problems, hypertension, etc. and continuing to smoke. Or diabetes and not eating properly.
If you're doing all you can to be as healthy as possible, I don't think we can ask for any more than that. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:07:56 AM | Army mom said,
Mainly because it's REALLY hard to hide a scar the size of a shark bite on my stomach.
I think this would be a fabulous opportunity to come up with a great story!! The shark bite would make a good one . . . :) jk! | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:15:08 AM | It would depend, first and foremost, on the level of attraction I felt to the person. Nothing legal is a "deal-breaker" for me--and I am willing to give almost anyone (anyone who doesn't trigger my "creep meter," that is) at least one meet&greet chance. I have discovered that for me, attraction seems to have almost nothing to do with looks, as far as I can tell.
Maybe I'm naive (new to all this, not dating, just looking at the forums right now), but I still feel I'd rather love and lose than never love at all. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:40:32 PM | | Another perspective......you may meet someone who has no significant health issues and all of a sudden after a year-long relationship might be diagnosed with some type of medical condition, be it acute or something that may become chronic. Chances with some diseases is that sometimes ithey don't not exhibit distinctive symptoms right away; therefore, he does not yet know he has the condition So what would you do; dump him? | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:50:06 PM | @kpooks - not focussing on your post specifically.... it is just that your post has a lot of the most common feedback in it - easier this way for me.
To focus on any issues, including health issues, is to focus on the negative, and we should focus on the positive when dating or in a relationship, like laughter and sexual allure. When you talk about your health issues on a first date, kinda kills the good mood and any sparks, don'tcha think? I am not saying it is something you talk about on a first date. But for example, as another poster mentioned, a date drinking beer and yet also being a diabetic - being diabetic myself, I KNOW how wrong that is.... that would be a huge red flag that this person is not taking care of themself.
Even if we're completely physically healthy, most of us are LONELY (which is why we're here), which is a mental health issue. Why discuss it? Why not try to solve it? BUT... playing devil's advocate here.... if you are looking for a long term relationship, not just a solution to your current loneliness, why would you date someone with a health issue that you know is a deal breaker for you? It is not necessarily being negative.... it can also be perceived as just being realistic - why waste your time and theirs?
Health issues will become obvious. The trick is working around them and through them. No sense discussing them, until they impede the normal dating process, and then decide how much we like each other as to whether the health issues are issues Agreed, but if you know you cannot live with the issue, no point in continuing either.... again, just being realistic.
Normal tendency is to look for someone healthier (or at least AS healthy) as us. Why would anyone want a liability, except out of caregiver instinct, which is an admirable motivation... I have to agree with you totally on this one.... I have done a lot of caregiving in my life, and I am kinda looking forward to enjoying my life as the kids grow and leave home, etc.
I once dated a man whose back had been badly hurt in a motorcycle accident when he was young. As a result, he could not sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch, as his whole body was aching by then.... and then he would go for a walk around the house, out to the backyard and have a smoke, and eventually back to bed for another 2 hours. It would disrupt the sleep of his partner to the point it had broken up a past relationship. Myself, it didn't bother me - I too have back problems, so I could understand how he felt.... and I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't consider it an issue.... but obviously it bothered others.
Another perspective......you may meet someone who has no significant health issues and all of a sudden after a year-long relationship might be diagnosed with some type of medical condition, be it acute or something that may become chronic. Chances with some diseases is that sometimes ithey don't not exhibit distinctive symptoms right away; therefore, he does not yet know he has the condition So what would you do; dump him?
I am not saying that we should exclude or dump people because they have issues with their health.... I was merely wondering how many people consider the health of a prospective partner while the relationship is in the early stages still. For example, as one poster put it, he is healthy and fit - he has a very active sex life, and wants to continue as such. Our health affects how we view life, how we live it.... and we talk enough about sex in a relationship to devote a whole forum to it.... isn't health a consideration in that aspect of a relationship too? Our health affects our emotions too.... we all know how down we get when we have been fighting off a nasty bug or whatever..... long term health issues do that to people too. How many of us stop to consider that aspect?
Just thoughts to ponder,
13k | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:53:31 PM |
So what would you do; dump him?
That's what I expect would happen. I've been dumped for far less. In fact, I've been rejected initially for such trivial things that something like having basket-case potential seems prohibitive in comparison.
Age is a host of interesting potentials and degeneration, from looks to prospects to motivation to being set in one's ways and discouraged by the imposition of someone else having their relationship wisdom contradict your own.
It's perhaps best to sweep all of it under the lawn and focus instead on the very comical proposition of elderly love-making, that even with the lights off can be endlessly amusing. For instance, noticing the crickets again after all the creaking has stopped. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 1:29:18 PM |
It's perhaps best to sweep all of it under the lawn and focus instead on the very comical proposition of elderly love-making, that even with the lights off can be endlessly amusing. For instance, noticing the crickets again after all the creaking has stopped.
Yes and I suggest you practice doing just that. You never know when you might need to pause for the cause.. lol
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 1:34:37 PM |
Age is a host of interesting potentials and degeneration, from looks to prospects to motivation to being set in one's ways and discouraged by the imposition of someone else having their relationship wisdom contradict your own.
Hmmmmm................................how true....................................................and ample examples of such can be found right here in these very forums. Come one, come all - they are only a mouse click away!  | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 1:44:30 PM | message 19 ...
... I need someone who can keep up as I have trouble even sitting for more than 10 minutes at a time. Sounds like someone has an overactive thyroid problem or possibly ADHD. Otherwise, not being able to sit still for more than 10 minutes sounds pretty antsy to me for a 59 year old man and that would probably get on my nerves more than a sick man.
Once here on POF I mentioned I prefer younger women for this reason and really got gunned down! Maybe you got "gunned down" for the fact that there are actually quite a few of us about your age that most men (our age) cannot keep up with. Men our age who really CAN keep up with us ... don't give us the time of day. They treat us as if we have "Cooties.
There are many of us who do as I do ... ride bikes (I don't ride without putting at least 20 miles on the odometer) ... dance (I square dance and do cued ballroom dancing ... have done so for about 40 years) ... garden, mow my own yard (it's not a small yard), do DIY projects, run around all day attending to my patients ... still sleep upstairs and generally take the stairs two at a time.
We're not ALL big fat slugs. Most people do not believe me when I tell them I'm 60 years old. I once had a man tell me I was too young for him to date ... turns out he thought I was 10 years younger than I really am. LMAO!!!! | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 2:05:25 PM | I think that in the process of getting to know each other one definitely notices another's pace of life, fitness, reaching for a glass of water ... and what has not been mentioned now & then will speak itself in action.
Part of honesty with each other is to be open about health issues too. Besides being "on hands" or "hands on" requires not only wishful thinking but also be true to your own words  | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 2:24:45 PM | | I am in the same situation as Michaelann. I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis since I was 2 years old. It's very hard for me to find a person who is willing to look past my disability and get to know me. In the beginning I didn't add this to my profile and would let the person know through our email exchange. Needless, to say it was the last time I would hear from them again. Now I have put in my profile. It's there in the open. If anyone's really interested they will write and I will answer they're questions. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 2:32:29 PM | RE: Msg 30 from 123Carrie
Another perspective......you may meet someone who has no significant health issues and all of a sudden after a year-long relationship might be diagnosed with some type of medical condition, be it acute or something that may become chronic. Chances with some diseases is that sometimes they don't not exhibit distinctive symptoms right away; therefore, he does not yet know he has the condition So what would you do; dump him? Excellent point, Carrie.
In 2007, I was working as an exhibitor at medical conventions, flying all over the country. I did this for two years and loved it. Suddenly, on June 30, 2007, at a convention in Philadelphia, I started having severe chest pains and they ended up calling the paramedics. I was hospitalized for 6 days in the Coronary Care Unit and they had to implant a cardiac pacemaker because my heart rate was in the low 30's and would not increase with medication.
I tried to go back to work 11 days later and ended up, again, in the hospital and had to be flown back home. The doctors have since determined I also have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, which means when I stand up my blood pressure drops drastically and my heart rate races. This does not have anything to do with why the pacemaker was implanted. It just so happens that both conditions developed at the same time.
Had I been in a relationship with a man in June, 2007, he would have thought I was the picture of health. I sure thought I was. And then a month later, I'm unable to work due to these problems. I don't have any damage to my heart but I have a condition that is extremely difficult to control.
You NEVER know when you may develop some disorder or illness. I certainly had no idea I had something wrong with me. This came on suddenly and it isn't going to just go away. I have to live with it and so does the man in my life. You make concessions and work around the problem. He wants to get a Harley and travel the east coast when he arrives next month. I told him I didn't think I could handle riding long distances on the back of a bike. His response? We'll get a sidecar for me to ride in. If you care about the person, you can find a way to make it work.
I hope all of you who are in wonderful health remain that way, but be aware, it can change in an instant. Most of us with health problems didn't expect them to happen to us either. | |
|
| |
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 3:59:29 PM |
How do others feel on this? Do you consider a potential partner's health when getting to know them? Does it matter to you? Or do you think it is a non-issue?
imo, the health issues would be with ones own heart and soul,the ones who look forward to each day would be my only health concern with a prospective partner.
I love and admire positive people who feel life with all the senses. Unafraid to be not perfect,to be human, and love and be loved... | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 4:12:42 PM | My issue is not on my profile, though it's alluded to. I've made a point of spelling it out somewhere in the first three or four emails. So far, it's made no difference to the men I was talking to, and has made it easier, possibility even possible, for them to talk about their own issues. As for *theirs* -- so far no deal breakers. If the soul is in good shape, and we're hitting on all cylinders, who gives a rat's patootie?
I feel sad sometime for those that hoard their hoped for happiness against all threats: there IS no wisdom in "security."
 | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 4:39:43 PM | | The man who will be in my life needs to take good care of himself (emotionally, physically, spiritually). If he has diabetes or high blood pressure, he needs to be proactive in his health care. I won't date obese guys, they couldn't keep up with me. Anything in excess is not good either. I do expect a man to be upfront with me on his health, from the first meet & greet session. The key for me, is if he has any health issues, he is PROACTIVE in his well being! | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 4:58:33 PM |
Another perspective......you may meet someone who has no significant health issues and all of a sudden after a year-long relationship might be diagnosed with some type of medical condition, be it acute or something that may become chronic. Chances with some diseases is that sometimes ithey don't not exhibit distinctive symptoms right away; therefore, he does not yet know he has the condition So what would you do; dump him? I have often said that I would like to start out at about the same level. I have also often said that when I care about someone I do not neglect them or abandon them.
Obviously if I get into a relationship with a man and grow to love him, I am not just going to "dump him". The other side of that coin is that ... I have gotten involved with men and grown to care about them a great deal and then they do get ill. At some point, I find out that they have been deviously deceiving me and knew about the problem long before meeting me and were just waiting for the right moment to tell me. Up front is the right moment to tell me.
Maybe others want to go about with their heads planted firmly in the sand and just ignore that we all really do have some sort of health issue of some kind ... small or large.
Another very good point is that major health issues do cost money and not all of us have the kind of money or health benefits that we can afford to take on someone with all kinds of health problems. When meeting someone new, the idea is not to fall in love and then walk hand in hand to the poor house together ... eh? | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:09:02 PM | OP: I would suggest that you all of you watch a movie called "The Civilazation of Maxwell Bright. I found this movie to be such an insight into not only my own life but into others as well. It's not a box ofice hit but a true insight to what really matters in life.
This movie although, it's just a movie, gives you a different perspective on life. It shows what may or may not happen when we get into a relationship at our age. It also shows a dignity that is absent from our culture. Not a happy ending movie but very enlightening. Only those with open minds should watch this.
It really shows what true love is all about and how a circumstance can change in a heartbeat to any of us but it also shows how a REAL person would handle this situation because of Love and Respect for the other.
I do not get deeply moved by many movies but this was exceptional. Not the best acted but with a true to life and death experience. After watching it I think many of the opinions will change on this blog. It WILL open your eyes and make you think about how shallow we all can be yet shows you hope deep love can go. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:22:04 PM | I'm a-sittin' here in a wheelchair.
I don't consider it a health issue, because it's merely a mobility issue.
Just had a physical.. heart, blood pressure, cholesterol, and everything else checked out fine. Heck, even my lungs.. xray was part of the full body checkup.
But... it gets assumed that I have health 'problems'... and even that I need 'care'. 
Lord have mercy, I'm the one who goes out wheelin' around caring for others!
I don't know.. I kinda think that people "looking for" someone who has perfect great health and mobility and who will not consider anyone unless they do.. are actually just looking for activity partner with hopefully some love in the mix.
Now nothing wrong with that. Go for it if that's your goal. 
It's that ole' thing called 'preferences'. To each their own, and all that.
But I don't think they're really thinkin' about what will probably happen to themselves and/or the partner in maybe just a few years.
Because the fact is, some kind of health thing hits just about everyone once they get up in age.
No, I didn't say everyone, I said just about everyone.
Or, they just have to slow down.. body aches, and all that.
It's life. It's called aging. No way around it, not really.
Are those people who feel they must have a mate right now who is in great active health forgetting about that?
Are they actually thinking that they themselves won't go through 'aging' in this last hoorah of our years on earth?
Are they really thinking that "keep up with me" is more important than everything else that could be wonderful about a relationship?
I wonder about all that sometimes. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:26:47 PM |
It really shows what true love is all about and how a circumstance can change in a heartbeat to any of us but it also shows how a REAL person would handle this situation because of Love and Respect for the other.
Good point as many are putting the cart before the horse as like they will live forever!
lol I see now as a few of the lawn chair quarterbacks avec their lite beer, are now posting are concerned about cost now. yikes! lol
I do not get deeply moved by many movies but this was exceptional. Not the best acted but with a true to life and death experience. After watching it I think many of the opinions will change on this blog. It WILL open your eyes and make you think about how shallow we all can be yet shows you hope deep love can go.
Thanks for bringing that out santa as some of us can see beyond the shallow. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:30:37 PM |
Are those people who feel they must have a mate right now who is in great active health forgetting about that?
Are they actually thinking that they themselves won't go through 'aging' in this last hoorah of our years on earth?
Are they really thinking that "keep up with me" is more important than everything else that could be wonderful about a relationship?
I wonder about all that sometimes.
I liken it to children that think they are never going to die.. I remember when I started dating again my younger son said "Mom do you want to bury another husband?" I looked at him and said then you best not date yourself. He looked rather puzzled? Then I replied everyone you touch son is going to die, so do not touch anyone.
That cleared his issue right up.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:19:08 PM | back in the early '90s ... a friend started dating a man who is 19 years older than I am ... SHE is slightly older than I am, possibly 3 years ... so he must have been about 16 years older than she was ...
we had long conversations about his health, the possibility of having to care about him if his health were to take a turn for the worse, etc. ...
they were married and they had a WONDERFUL life together until about 2004 when SHE developed a terminal illness ...
nothin's certain ... | |
|
| Health issues + definitely!
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:26:36 PM | Healthy behaviors are more important to me.
If someone has had bad luck and is working with their condition, I will date them. If they refuse or are careless about their health, I wont date them.
For example, a great man I met here at POF told me right away that he was recovering from cancer of the colon, was taking his treatments and following medical advice. Without a hesitation I dated him. (other things stopped us from dating)
However, i went out with a diabetic who refused to follow healthy protocol for diabetes and I had to stop dating him. I really was crazy about him but diabetes is a slow ugly disease which can mutilate the body (and devastate it ) unless a patient is very mindful of the illness. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:33:12 PM | Message 46 ...
I see now as a few of the lawn chair quarterbacks avec their lite beer,are now posting are concerned about cost now. yikes! lol That's funny?
It's funny that some may be concerned about being able to afford taking on someone who is sick? I'd bet it's even funnier then to think about that same person not even able to pay their own medical expenses if something should happen and then taking on someone who also has expensive medical needs. Let's all laugh together ...
Nothing thrills me more than when I meet someone who never has to be concerned about the cost of getting ill in the future. That either means it's someone rich beyond all cares or it's someone who has a health care plan for life that has no limits.
Either way ... congratulations for your luck, but don't poo-poo those of us who do have to be concerned about such things.
The bottom line for me is still that when I begin a relationship with someone, I'd like to start out relatively on the same grounds. By the way, that does not only include health issues, it also includes financial security in that he can provide for his own roof over his head, feed and clothe himself, and pay his own bills without my assistance. I don't think that's asking too much.
If we become a committed couple/life partners, I'm not going to abandon that person just because of problems, but in the beginning, I am seeking relatively equal grounds.
In my opinion ... that's REALITY. | |
|
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:34:16 PM | Let me play devil's advocate here for a second.....
Two people meet, hit it off, financially, spiritually, healthwise - they are both on the same plain. They become a couple.
THEN.... A year or two or three.... one of the two becomes ill and has health issues.
What do you do??????
Bail? 'Sorry, I didn't expect this.'
Hmm.....
Let's hear it.
I hope that everyone here is fortunate enough to not become 'ill' and have to be on the receiving end of the shortsightedness of some.
Let he that be free of sin, cast the first stone.....
Similarly, someone that is free from 'illness' can say something. MAYBE.
I CAN NOT tell you how many women I have met that have 'mental health issues'. OMG Yet, they will be the first one's to point out your 'flaws'. LOL
I think everyone here should take a good long look in the mirror.
Ladies: you have more than one guy in your life tell you that you are a 'biotch'????
Guys: you have more than one woman tell you that you are a 'prick'?????
Why do you suppose that is???? Coincidence??? Maybe not.
Take a long look in the mirror people. | |
|
Home
login 
