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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:57:30 PM | I think people are not really READING the original posts by myself and a few others in this thread (gee, that's a real surprise?)
Nowhere in any posts have people said they will dump someone they are with if they develop a health issue. Being the OP, I have read every single post, and I don't recall anyone saying they would dump a current partner that developed health problems.
I was asking if people considered physical health as much as they consider emotional, mental and even financial health.... it all contributes to the overall health of a relationship..... or of a healthy relationship developing.
I personally feel it is all about balance.... and about honesty. If you have health issues, by all means be honest about it. BUT.... as several posters have pointed out, it is more about taking care of yourself, no matter what kinds of health issues you have..... and not thinking you can just continue as you have. If you have a heart condition, you aren't about to go eat everything you shouldn't.... or if you have diabetes, you aren't going to go eat every sweet in sight..... balance and moderation are wonderful things.
JMHO
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:06:33 PM | At the beginning you have no attachment to the person and are trying to find compatibility and a potential romantic connection... it is not being shallow to regard anyone not a match for any reason at this point... you don't know them, it is not rejecting them as a person.
After you are in love with the person on the inside, whatever happens to their health along the way (or yours) is just one of those challenges couples are faced with -- and it wouldn't change your established feelings. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:19:21 PM | That makes no sense to me. They are the same person. I suppose it is about the idea that caring is a function of attachment. But what is that process?
To start with the other person is insignificant, unimportant, and quite possibly of no consequence. If so, then it seems there would be no basis for attraction. I don't see a lot of profiles advertising the desire to find someone like that.
Then after you get to know the person, which is a process of discovery, and you develop rapport, which is a process of negotiation, suddenly they become worthy of affection, concern and regard.
To me that sounds like the default view of people is that their value depends upon the personal relationship, outside of which they have none. It sounds like caring is either developed or granted based on the success of forming the relationship, and does not exist normally, only in the special circumstance. That approach would make the world a place teeming with worthless people, surrounding the precious few who matter. Yikes, is what I think. But it does account for some of the behaviors I've seen as people vie for parking spots on busy streets. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:46:15 PM | I agree, farceur.
And what you wrote got me thinking this....
Say I had a man who loves me.. my personality, my being.
We really are a great match... I love his essence, he loves mine.
Then I have my accident and have to use a wheelchair.
And he still loves me, because ... he loves my personality, my being, my essence,
same as he always had.
Like a lot of you say.. "well, if it happened after we were in a love relationship, I'd not jump ship, because I love the person".
Okay... put it in this reality...
this same me, this same man...
we haven't met yet.
But he skims over my profile, because I am in a wheelchair.
Look what we missed out on.
His 'essence' and my 'essence' ARE a great match.. but we'll never find that out.
Disclaimer: I didn't write that out as a ploy or a pity or an anything personal 'for' me.
It's just to give people something to think about in general. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:57:53 PM | Say I had a man who loves me.. my personality, my being.
We really are a great match... I love his essence, he loves mine.
Then I have my accident and have to use a wheelchair.
And he still loves me, because ... he loves my personality, my being, my essence,
same as he always had.
Like a lot of you say.. "well, if it happened after we were in a love relationship, I'd not jump ship, because I love the person".
Okay... put it in this reality...
this same me, this same man...
we haven't met yet.
But he skims over my profile, because I am in a wheelchair.
Look what we missed out on.
His 'essence' and my 'essence' ARE a great match.. but we'll never find that out. But it isn't the same. I skipped over bike riders both bicycle and motorcycle because I can't do either. If someone likes to spend their time in one of those activities, we aren't a good match. He wouldn't want to give up his usual style to spend time with me. But once in a committed relationship (if I had been able to do those activities), he would be going through the accident or illness process that led you unable to no longer do the activity with him.
People do change after you meet, but in order to meet, there are preferences we all have.
And it is so very true that you can walk out your back door and wake up in the hospital with your life forever changed.
EDIT TO BELOW: People have hobbies, past times, etc. that are part of their lifestyle. It isn't just an activity partner, people look for those with similar interests. Kind of difficult to go out with someone if you have nothing in common. I do think differences are interesting, but certain things are ingrained in your lifestyle. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:07:14 PM | There is a process that we are all going through together, life, that is at least as adequate as one to relate by and share as that of any single event process such as an illness or accident.
The idea that preferences matter can be turned around and put another way, as the preferences being what keeps people from finding each other.
In my bleary view, the idea of seeking out an activity partner while professing the desire to mate for life is a fraud.
I'm inclined to the view from the wheelchair, which strangely seems the higher vantage point. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:28:40 PM |
Then after you get to know the person, which is a process of discovery, and you develop rapport, which is a process of negotiation, suddenly they become worthy of affection, concern and regard. To me that sounds like the default view of people is that their value depends upon the personal relationship, outside of which they have none.
I don't think having care and concern for people has anything to do with choosing a mate. I love and care for many people that I'm not in a romantic relationship with... there are people that live too far away or incompatible with lifestyles that are not practical when choosing a partner. A medical condition would only matter if it in some way made them incompatible, not because they are flawed. We are all imperfect beings... just trying to find someone's imperfections that best suit my own. And that goes with mental/emotional weaknesses as well. God knows we all have those. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:39:05 PM |
How do others feel on this? Do you consider a potential partner's health when getting to know them? Does it matter to you? Or do you think it is a non-issue?
If I adore a woman, I can not see why I would consider her health to be an issue unless it was AIDS , Hep or uncontrollable Herpes that is ever present,,, | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:22:02 PM | i used to worry about my lymes and all that goes with it. my major issue is not being able to do strenuous activity. i also have to pace myself. it's funny, but all the men i meet are quite physically strong. i am cognitively and emotionally strong. so, short of someone who "must" have a camping buddy, it's not an issue. i love to dance and can do it well. just no longer can do it for hours w/o a break!
having dealt with active depression in the past two men i began to get serious with, i am wary of that! one was a riot when i met him, but it crept back after several years from his past and one had complications due to loss of his work and his wife at an early and unexpected age last year. despite the fact that he really wanted us to work, he just wasn't ready.
so, i feel i need to meet someone who has his "moods" together. a reaction to ill fortune here and there is one thing, seems everyone nowadays is dealing with physical or economic losses. or if not yet, they are on the verge. my other ducks are pretty much in order. things are tough at times, but manageable. so, for me, an easy going guy who both wants a relationship, but can also deal with his "stuff", is what i am looking for. some can handle more than others. i'd have to assess any disabilty he would bring to the table on a case by case basis. how he handles it, assuming we have chemistry and compatiblity, is what is most important. i've found that the same has applied to me. most of my friends are pretty physically healthy. i'm also needing my man to have something between his ears! absence of that is a deal breaker for me.
ps poster below me. for whatever reason, the guys i attract are active at sports. i guess they'd rather do it with the boys! they do other things with me. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:25:13 PM | @NewToMichiana - not agreeing or disagreeing with you here... just playing devil's advocate. I posted this topic to get a discussion going, so please don't jump all over me for this one (although it will probably happen anyway).
If I adore a woman, I can not see why I would consider her health to be an issue unless it was AIDS , Hep or uncontrollable Herpes that is ever present,,,
BUT... according to the views of several other posters - NO health issues should matter - even if it affected your sex life. AND... how can you get to the point of adoring her if she had those health issues and you knew it?? You would not have gone with her in the first place, therefore no "adoring" would have happened.... it is something we look at when we first meet someone.
That was the point of this thread - to find out how others view physical health when initially meeting someone.... how much they consider it in regards to a lifestyle match, etc.? As Janet keeps trying to emphasize, it is about a way we live our life and common interests.... and if you are a person who loves sports, etc. or is very active in general life, I think health of a potential partner should be given due consideration. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:00:16 PM | It's an issue with me! I am recovering from a sports injury and I disclose it on my profile, why decieve someone?
If a man claims to be healthy and active it will show. I'm warry of men who won't date women at least their own age, it as though they have an unrealistic view of themselves, like they need someone younger to balance or validate them...make them feel young. I'm quite the opposite I want a man who is secure about his age, if you are both truly healthy and have taken care of your body your entire life that you will be equally matched. What's funny is I get hit on and asked about primarily by younger men, but they just don't interest me. Also, I won't date ex smokers, or men who say they don't smoke but have pics with cigars, ewww yuk.
If I am dating I have a serious STD talk and testing before I go there. My health is important to me and I don't take risks with it, if my partner is serious about his health it's not a problem. Younger men are very accepting of this, however the men my age and older need a little help. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:19:11 PM |
@NewToMichiana - not agreeing or disagreeing with you here... just playing devil's advocate. I posted this topic to get a discussion going, so please don't jump all over me for this one (although it will probably happen anyway).
this statement does deserve a response, if you see it as "jumping all over you", oh well,,, not much I can do about that. My thought is you would prefer no response, so you made the dramatic claim as a deterrent,,,
BUT... according to the views of several other posters - NO health issues should matter - even if it affected your sex life. AND... how can you get to the point of adoring her if she had those health issues and you knew it?? You would not have gone with her in the first place, therefore no "adoring" would have happened.... it is something we look at when we first meet someone.
lol
you tell me I couldn't adore someone without knowing their situation?
I quote you
A few of the men I have dated in the past have hidden some of their health issues from me until well past a month or two of dating, and some have been very vague when speaking of their health issues.
What if the woman I adored had kept a secret from me like these men had done to you?
My issue is with diseases that could possibly do serious damage to me. I could care less about what someone thinks of me having a problem with those health problems,,, | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:28:09 PM | Not having any health issues of my own to deal with, I don't even think about it, and expect women I might meet to be ordinarily healthy. If a woman had a chronic health problem, that seriously impacted her ability to function in a normal relationship, I'd probably take a pass in the beginning.
As others have said, once you are "involved", then it's a different story. Sharing life's burdens is all part of forming attachment. So, if something new came along, I'd do my best to be supportive, as she faced it. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:03:27 AM | farceur:
To start with the other person is insignificant, unimportant, and quite possibly of no consequence. If so, then it seems there would be no basis for attraction. I don't see a lot of profiles advertising the desire to find someone like that.
Then after you get to know the person, which is a process of discovery, and you develop rapport, which is a process of negotiation, suddenly they become worthy of affection, concern and regard.
To me that sounds like the default view of people is that their value depends upon the personal relationship, outside of which they have none. It sounds like caring is either developed or granted based on the success of forming the relationship, and does not exist normally, only in the special circumstance.
i agree with this entirely. in fact it seems it would take a huge effort of will to block empathetic outreach to others, just generally, even walking along a sidewalk to buy a newspaper. um, yikes. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 5:59:11 AM |
It sounds like caring is either developed or granted based on the success of forming the relationship, and does not exist normally, only in the special circumstance. That approach would make the world a place teeming with worthless people, surrounding the precious few who matter. Yikes, is what I think. But it does account for some of the behaviors I've seen as people vie for parking spots on busy streets.
Yes that basically sums it up rather nicely..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 6:29:04 AM |
stevelfun said,Take a long look in the mirror people.
Yes, your points are well taken and I see some of the posters are now doing a little back pedaling after their initial comments and opinions. ~smile~
What is hard for me to understand at times, is when someone who can afford health care and yet for what ever reason do not take care of themselves.
imo,priority one is your own health, mentally and physically which a lot has to do with diet and exercise. And imo this is the best pill a person can take and do, which is free choice. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 6:56:02 AM | is kind of like, why don't those people just take their drugs and stop risking themself............well long term disease and the effects of meds can be equally daunting.
it takes a long time to accept your lot....denial to yourself happens with long term things...is hard to learn to accept that you will never be free from it.
me thinks for new folks discovering health problems and accepting that are not necessarily things that go hand in hand. it is not if you stop taking your drugs AND PAY ATTENTION...more like "when." YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR OUTCOME WITH YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR ...WHEN YOU GET SICK ENUFF ..YUP!
it sucks to realize but eventually YOU REALIZE that life is a challenge in yourself ....long before it is a challenge for others(snickers..tough people live in those bodies...do not kid yourself")
...so those who are long term tend to have patience to fear in others..they tend to expose others with the truth of that so you can realize...exposure is your first step to learning to accept something your not familiar with...
goodluck to all the human's learning you can not control anything but your own view...and my disease taught me to respect myself and in turn give others the ladditude to learn that fear is something to look into not away from....goodluck lil fish  
ps sorry my spelling sucks | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 6:59:39 AM |
I think everyone here should take a good long look in the mirror.
Some might feel that my having had cancer or being widowed would be negative things - to that I would reply - 'you don't get it then' Those two things/events in my life have made me more than I would have been otherwise - and all my friends that know me well know this to be so very true. Still, if this is something you are not comfortable with, that is fine. I wish the best to you and you finding what you seek. However, if you are still interested – I would like to hear from you.
I am a caring, compassionate and supportive friend.
Steve great profile by the way!!! I am sure you have no problems finding women that wish to date you. Indeed events and challenges in our life can bring us many gifts along our path while here. I hope you do not mind me copying part of your profile.. It was so well expressed and since it was public I felt it alright to share it.
Much good luck fishing..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 8:06:59 AM | [QUOTE] cats said Steve great profile by the way!!! I am sure you have no problems finding women that wish to date you. Indeed events and challenges in our life can bring us many gifts along our path while here. I hope you do not mind me copying part of your profile.. It was so well expressed and since it was public I felt it alright to share it.
I agree too with this, as the folks who have been through the trial and tribulations with out pigeon holing mentality, and deal with life in the present tense.
Being a old Marine with a few nick's from life lessons, has not stop my love of life and all in what is good,honest and unafraid... | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 8:19:22 AM | @ NewToMichiana - no I don't see it as "jumping all over me".... and no, I am not a drama queen.... I just get tired of those who jump all over a poster that they don't agree with.... respect is a wonderful thing, even in the forums. The remark was not directed at you specifically.
you tell me I couldn't adore someone without knowing their situation?
I didn't say "without knowing their situation"..... what I said was "how can you get to the point of adoring her if she had those health issues and you knew it?? " That is the point of this whole thread...... asking about health issues before it gets to the "adoring" point.
Yes, I have been in a couple of relationships where they hid their health issues from me.... BUT... they are also relationships in my past - and I found out about the health issues within the first two months. Did I end the relationship entirely because of the health issues?.... NO! - I ended it because of the deceit.... if someone is going to lie to me for a few months about something as serious as health, what else are they going to lie to me about? In fact, in both cases, the health issues were not "issues" to me.... they were to his ex, and to him, but not to me.... the lying was my problem more than anything.
My issue is with diseases that could possibly do serious damage to me. BUT.... define "serious damage".... have you ever been in a caregiver situation? I have been, and I know how much it takes out of you. I know how many illnesses have an emotional roller-coaster ride that goes with them.... and how the sick person often takes it out on those around them. That roller-coaster can cause "serioius damage" to the care-giver's emotional health. Do I want that again?.... OR... do I weigh my options, look at what comes with the illness and decide if it is something I can personally deal with again? It varies, depending on the illness..... and I know what my own limits are.... that is why I started this thread.
Am I saying I will only date people who are totally healthy, etc?... by no means - what I am saying is it is something I consider, along with all the other aspects of their health - emotional, mental and spiritual health along with physical health. It is all about balance, and is that not what a healthy relationship is all about? | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 8:40:30 AM |
Yes, I have been in a couple of relationships where they hid their health issues from me.... BUT... they are also relationships in my past - and I found out about the health issues within the first two months. Did I end the relationship entirely because of the health issues?.... NO! - I ended it because of the deceit....
For a moment think about the person that might choose to hide something so personal as a health issue. You see few of the men I helped lose weight told me right up front they were suffering from ED. I only found out when I saw the smile in their face and the skip in their step. That is the point most would confide in me.
Hard to know from your post if you found this information out on your own or if they eventually felt at a comfort level to confide in you.. I think you can understand this to be a very personal matter and not everyone is comfortable sharing it with everybody they meet.
Bravo to those who do because they have already eliminated those that were not potentials for them anyhow. I am sure they have cut down a whole lot of people by doing so but will attract the kind person that can see we are all on the decline in this last chapter we call life. No doubt a rocky road lies ahead as it will for you as well.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 9:15:19 AM | I want to meet someone who has the "biggest" heart on this earth...it may be damaged slightly and it may need some medications to keep it at optimal functioning...but as long as it can still "feel", that's all I need.
I run two to three miles a day, does taebo a few times a week and rides my bike at least every other day along the waterfront. Would it be great if I could find a man my age who could do all of these with me? Yes, it would. But if I meet that "right" someone who is unable to do ALL of these things as often as I, I will still cherish the times that we spend doing other things. We could take a slow walk instead....or we could be just as happy sitting on the deck watching the moon rise over the water as it sends its beam of light onto the tips of the waves creating a shimmering path that seems to lead to back to the moon itself.
There are all sorts of activities that you can do together; not all have to be physical...the most important thing is that each appreciates the time that they share... | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/6/2009 9:34:19 AM | While I am not an advocate of grabbing words or quotes from a profile and/or another thread and posting them within a thread, considering that has already happened in this thread, I will comment on those words and that quote.
I think everyone here should take a good long look in the mirror.
Some might feel that my having had cancer or being widowed would be negative things - to that I would reply - 'you don't get it then' Those two things/events in my life have made me more than I would have been otherwise - and all my friends that know me well know this to be so very true. Still, if this is something you are not comfortable with, that is fine. I wish the best to you and you finding what you seek. However, if you are still interested – I would like to hear from you.
I am a caring, compassionate and supportive friend.
Steve, I too live with cancer and will for the rest of my days. My cancer can be held in abeyance for a temporary period of time but there is an extremely high likelihood that it will decide to revisit me at some future time(s). Do I disclose this? You bet I do by the use of the word "remission" in my profile. Am I looking to find a partner. Actively, the answer is no, I am looking for a friend but if I do find a special friend and it moves beyond the friendship stage, then my having cancer will not come as a surprise. My cancer was not brought on by my lifestyle but, rather to my surprise, a DNA test proved it to be genetic in nature. That I, or anyone in several generations removed from me, carried this gene was totally unknown to me.
More to the point, if I had not experienced cancer, I would not be the person that I am today. One discovery I have made - if you survive cancer, you come away with a better and clearer meaning of life. Like Steve, I too "get it" - having cancer has been one of the most positive experiences of my life. It is a great teacher . Just remember that in life - "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear". This can be applied to viewing and perhaps accepting things in life that you never thought possible. | |
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