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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:49:26 PM | | I totally agree with you. Why keep it hidden, progress along in a relationship (while inside you are still conflicted and anxious) and when you do reveal the issues, the other person "runs". As hard as it is at our age, I think it serves everyone well to be honest up front. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:59:36 PM | LOL, how true, Muncher.
In spite of my own little problems, I find myself now, over the last two months, being the primary caregiver, Senior Candystriper, and Chief Cook and Bottlewasher, for my mother, recovering from a serious bout of a rare pneumonia. I love being able to do this, and I'm glad that I'm able to do so. But it does bring to mind the the original intent of the Thread....can you, would you, give up your freedom and time to care for a loved one? | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 10:07:55 PM | "You can't predict the future-you just may be the one someday ending up needing someone who is a nurse, think about it. "
If this is for me, I said what I did because I was my late husband's sole caretaker, 24/7, while he was bedridden for a year before he died - which was two years ago. I still wake up at 3 AM once in awhile, wondering why he hasn't called me for something, then I wake up completely and remember why. I do know that I don't want to get involved with anyone who needs that from the beginning. And there is a huge difference between taking care of someone who is disabled in any way as opposed to actively dying before your eyes. I have no problem with accomodating a disability, chronic or because of an accident, I just don't want to go through that again with someone who is terminal. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 2:35:13 PM | I would have no problem caring for a loved one through an illness or any condition that may befall them. A new man in my life would not yet be a loved one. If the "You can't predict the future..." remark was for me, (a little confusing who that remark was for!) it's very true that any of us could end up needing a nurse. However, I would not be on a dating site looking for that.
My main concern at that point would be in getting my health back, not looking for dates or a romantic partner. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 2:52:13 PM |
I would have no problem caring for a loved one through an illness or any condition that may befall them. A new man in my life would not yet be a loved one. If the "You can't predict the future..." remark was for me, (a little confusing who that remark was for!) it's very true that any of us could end up needing a nurse. However, I would not be on a dating site looking for that.
My main concern at that point would be in getting my health back, not looking for dates or a romantic partner.
I have been on this site for 4 years. Perhaps I have earned tenure! At approximately the 3 year mark, I was diagnosed with cancer. I felt no need to remove my profile just because I have cancer. To have my profile remain active does not mean that I am looking for dates, a romantic partner or someone to take care of me - I am not - I can take care of myself. It means that I am still a functioning human being who is capable of making new friends and participating in the fora. My health issue does not define me as a person. Let me also say that remaining a member of this site through my illness has provided me with many hours of entertainment in reading and participating in the fora as well as maintaining contact with old friends and making new friends while I recuperated. I am just an example that POF is many things to many people. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 5:11:26 PM | I was not implying that if one becomes sick, they should leave the site. My point was that one should not be looking for someone to take care of them, on a dating site.
Sorry if anyone took issue with that. We are all different. I said that I would be more concerned with improving my health than in finding a date.
No need to pull rank. I've been here for quite a while, too, off and on. But that doesn't mean we can't all state our opinions. The question was about whether or not to reveal a health condition when meeting a new person for dating or with a relationship in mind.
I don't think that just being here for friends or the forums would come under that. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:38:15 PM | as Tinkerbell said, these forums provide a lot of entertainment for reading others' thots, comments, contemplating various points of view ... if I have a weakness ... it's for reading these forum pages!!!!!
with regard to my health issues ... I do have various health issues but, in my opinion, they're relatively minor because they're long-term and I'm comfortable controlling them ...
therefore, I don't mention my health issues ... now, someone ELSE MAY consider my health issues significant and say, "why didn't you tell me sooner?" ... and I guess I'll have to deal with that as it arises ... but I don't intend to walk into a new POTENTIAL relationship/friendship with my health banners flying ...
this is a personal decision we all have to make ... if/when my chronic illnesses get in the way of my fun, I'll mention them ...
I have multiple food allergies/asthma and that may or may not come up during a meet/greet ... usually not. while a food allergy having the potential to cause a life-threatening anaphylactic reaction is POSSIBLE ... it's a REMOTE possibility ...
if the illness is relatively new to you ... or more serious in nature ... you might have more of an inclination to discuss it ... all my illnesses are chronic, of relative smaller significance and I've lived with them my entire life ... (i.e., boring!) so my attitude is probably more along the lines of, "ehhh ... no big deal ..."
I've dated men with what I considered to be serious health issues and thot it was something I needed to take into consideration ... unfortunately, we never got beyond the 3rd or 4th date due to unrelated reasons ... so it was never an issue ...
finding a good mesh with regard to romantic relationships and friendships is SUCH a complicated issue ... sorry if I'm blithering ... I think I'm falling asleep ... nite all ... pleasant dreams!!! | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:10:35 AM | Why are people finding the need to explain what the forums are all about?? Did I open a can of worms by saying I would not be seeking a nurse on a dating site? My remarks were on topic. I'm sorry that some are so sensitive about their health issues that they seem to have taken offense by what I said.
I still think honesty is the best policy. And I do believe that everyone here knows what the forums are about. Just a reminder: The thread was about disclosing health issues when seeking a "partner". Not about participating in the forums or being here for friendship. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:43:37 PM | I can certainly understand how and why people feel the importance of health within a relationship, or at least a potentional relationship. However, I myself have found that when love happens, it tends not to be as fussy.
Love is not judgemental.
When love takes time to truly come from within, then anything externally just doesn't come into it.
When love comes from deep within ... that 'attraction/chemistry', has little to do with what someone looks like, or what is 'wrong' with someone's 'temple'.
Love is not discriminant in any way, shape or form. Love is LOVE!
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:58:01 PM |
Do you consider a potential partner's health when getting to know them? Does it matter to you? Or do you think it is a non-issue?
For me, it very much matters. My life is all about the outdoors. I live and work in the mountains and spend most of the winter working on skis. In the summer I love to road ride and hike. I live in a mountain resort town where the reason for living is about outdoor activities. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:39:00 PM | I'm one of those people with chronic health problems. Mine stem from a spinal cord injury in 1991. A few years ago I went through a period where my health declined severely and I needed someone to care for me. The Ex left as soon as I recovered enough to take care of myself again. For the last year and a half I've been actively trying to date again but women automatically reject me when they see that I'm disabled. They don't even bother to reply. I'm not in a wheelchair, can get around on my own, and everything still works, yet no one will look past that one word and I don't understand why. Sure, if you are highly active I can see why......you'd want to find someone with similar abilities and interests. But everyone?
Doyle | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:16:06 AM | ...
good points. psychological and physical preparedness or limitation are bona fide relationship information exchanges as one explores possibilities.
though generally speaking. one person generally has more privacy right to items of mind or body which are considered sacred to the preservation of self or social esteems in family or community.
i would want to know more about why past relationships disintegrated by the assessments of the prospective.
and do there be opportunity to rectify realizations past which be obstacle at present..? | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/29/2009 11:18:31 AM | I have physical health issues (asthma, allergies), I don't hide them but I don't advertise them either.
Not really an issue for me. If I like someone it's because there is a connection on some level. There might be some things that I can't do but they can and vice a versa. But isn't that what a relationship is built on; give and take, differences, individuality. I would hate to be in a relationship where we had all the same likes and dislikes and ability's, God that would be boring! | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:52:26 PM | At the age of 36, I fell from the rafters of a garage to a concrete floor. By the age of 42, I found myself forced into disability. I had worked for 25 years! The hardest thing wasn't the disability...........it was how being disabled changed how others saw me and robbed me of the positive feelings I had about myself as a productive "normal" person. It took some time for me to regain my feelings of self worth and to feel good about myself again.
Now, at 60, almost everyone my age has something wrong with them. It may be arthritus or a bad knee or heart bypasses or diabetes............the aches and pains as we grow older are something we all share..........
I was lucky to find someone who didn't mind the minor inconveniences at times of my disability. Thank goodness, I never needed anyone to take care of me but I can't do things like play 3 sets of tennis or go skydiving or even do 9 holes of golf. However, that man died six years ago and it has been hard to find someone else since then.
I would think that as I got older, it would be easier since men my age would have some physical problems limiting them, too, but so far, it hasn't worked out that way! For example, one guy insisted on meeting me even though he stated that he loved kayaking. Well, as we talked, he was all bruised up and he told me that the kayak had overturned and he had to pull himself up on a dock and had gotten banged up and I smiled...........I asked him how many times had he been kayaking........and it turned out that was his first time! I knew that because I used to kayak......it had to be his first time if he didn' t know how to right himself without getting that banged up......
But most of the men my age who contact me now seem to be saying that they are into all these physical things that 20 and 30 year olds do even if they haven't really done them that much.....Is it a macho thing? I don't know.
They have wanted to do those things all their lives and never did them when they were young and so now, at retirement, they are trying to do them? I don't know.
I just know that I need to find a guy who isn't afraid to groan and say his arthritus is kicking up when we get up in the morning! | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:47:48 PM | | I am in remarkable health for my age, or any age, for that matter. I take no drugs of any kind, have no physical impairments and never feel pain, unless I bump my toe...lol. I would have a problem becoming involved with someone who wasn't healthy. I cared for my mother for the last two years of her life (the only bad ones she ever had)........a task that I thank God I was able to do for her (she died at 95) and also cared for her father (my grandfather, who died at 101) for 3 months at the end of his life. I also cared for an elderly aunt for a few months during her recovery from an operation, and an uncle for several months after 5 strokes. I can tell you, "been there, done that", and I don't ever want to have to do it again. I've "paid my dues", as the saying goes. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:05:34 PM | At 61, I was as healthy as could be ~~ no meds, working an active taxing job, happy. The next year I was dealing with a diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure, and the inability to walk across my living room, or stand long enough to make a salad, without become totally out of breath. And a life expectancy of under five years. Many nights I spent with my inhaler, and a hand on the phone ready to dial 911. A life can turn on a dime, and without warning. I don't perceive that there's *any way* to protect one's self from this: either our own health or anyone else's.
Since then, and have worked through all the steps, I've done a lot of pro-active, naturapathic-type things, and the diagnosis no longer stands. I have told everyone I began to consider seriously of the history. So far, it has made *no* difference to any one of them.
As far as I can see, no way to opt out of living life, lol!
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:09:09 AM |
A life can turn on a dime, and without warning.
I need someone who can stay on her feet for several hours at a time, can go hiking
Yes, life can turn on a dime, and there are no guarantees. I have a close relative who has a debilitating handicap. You are fine, and then the diagnosis, and you live your life from then on completely differently. Unfortunately, her marriage did not survive the difficulties in dealing with the illness.
I too need someone who is active and healthy, if I am to continue my present lifestyle, which is, in fact, living out dreams I have had since I can remember having dreams. So, I wouldn't intentionally give that up. If I lived an ordinary life, it wouldn't matter to me. I can go out for a run every day on my own, or go to the gym alone; I don't need a partner to do those things with me.
But of course, things can change for anyone. I think once you love someone, you accept what life hands you and deal. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:25:43 AM | I've had open heart surgery twice in my life, with the last one being in 1991. I am on my 3rd defib implant/pacemaker. Had a blood clot in my right leg in '93, which left me with foot drop.
I am upfront with the men I chat with, but only once we have reached a point of trust and a shared desire to meet. Though I may not be able to run a marathon, I can dance, go for long walks, play pool, etc., and still have the energy to make love, lol. Might have to take a break now and then, but there is still fire in this oven, tee hee.
My heart rate and blood pressure are well within the normal range, and my life expectancy, if anything like my ancestors, should be around 75 to 90 years. A long way to go yet, and a lot of living to do!!!   | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 11/10/2009 12:20:34 AM | | I think it is an issue if you want to have a long term relationship with him/her. If you are only having a short term affair, a fling, or whatever, then it doesnt really matter. But the only reason I feel it would matter in a long term relationship, is that it has nothing to do with loving the person, but with being honest & upfront, and know exactly what you are in for. I think you should know if someone has a health problem to be in the clear picture of what might happen to them, and if there is anything you need to know that you must do to help them. Why on earth hide a health issue from someone you want to have a long term relationship with? They should still love you for who you are, but knowledge of it is important, yes. | |
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