| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:56:11 PM |
At the time, it may have seemed an unbearable situation with no hope... but with years of being single under your belt, do you now begin to see some of the "errors of your ways" where you wish you may have reacted in a less destructive way?
Let's see. ... I never have to wonder anymore whether she'll come home in a good or bad mood. I never have to guess whether I'm a good guy or a jerk... just because. I'm pretty sure that whatever woman I sleep will actually enjoy it and not just lay there like she's doing me a favor. No one ever yells at me because I'm out playing with the kids instead of making dinner. I don't have to close the door when I'm in the bathroom. If I forget to pick up something after work, it's not because I don't care about my family. There are now people around me that actually care what I have to say, or at least they take the time to fake it.
Hmmm.... what was the question again?  | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:11:56 PM |
borneyesboo: I think if I could go back and do things differently? I wouldn't be so comfortable with us always doing our own things. At the time it seemed like we were being independent and allowing each other to explore our own interests...but in the end...we realized we had no interests together for the most part.
gentlemanjim4one: I know I did not do all I could have. I was the one who ended it. I shamefully gave up as I was going through what my ex-wife called male menopause. I believe she was right. It caused us to grow apart dramatically. But as much as I blamed myself, I can see that she perhaps gave up long before I asked for the divorce. So she did not do all she could have either. The divorce hurt her deeply. Something I had a hard time dealing with. She is to good of a person to have to suffer the pain I put her through by calling it quits. She has since forgiven me and we are today friendly to each other and can laugh together and even reminisce some of the good times we had over the years. For that, I am forever grateful.
thecatsmeoww: I am in a sense to blame because I saw he was impulsive early in the relationship. But I was having myself one heck of a blast with him and eventually fell in love with this fun loving ways.
U make it entertaining: I can take half of the responsibility for why my marriage did not work. I was wrong to stay and allow those things to happen. Had I have let go and let him learn his lessons, then possibly, we many have progressed to another level.
It's so rare to see anyone take responsibility for anything on here... I'm impressed with your insights! (and I can also relate with much of what you've said in my own relationships)
And I do understand that there are true sociopaths, mentally ill and violent people out there and there is no way (usually) to make these situations OK... but as some have suggested, maybe having acted sooner/differently would have minimized the damages... and a new-found sense of boundaries is what you take away from the experience. (and this too, I can relate to) | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:17:36 PM | Each relationship is different, some are very one sided, aome are both sides, and some are very other sided
People who are victims in a relationship should never be made to even think they should have tried harder | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:26:09 PM |
Each relationship is different, some are very one sided, aome are both sides, and some are very other sided. People who are victims in a relationship should never be made to even think they should have tried harder
True... but how can EVERYONE be the victim? Where are the scoundrels? Most of the threads on here blame the other's behavior for the breakup... and I have met several men who ALL blame their evil wives...
Doesn't it make you doubt the validity to these claims? Do we all see ourselves as victims? God... I hope not. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:28:35 PM | I don't think I could have tried harder with my ex wife - even the marriage counselor told us to get a divorce. I gave it my all - I can say this without question.
There are other relationships that I've had that I'm sure I didn't really give it my all. There were various reasons for that. In some cases it was immaturity, in others a growing lack of interest. Do I ever wish I worked harder to hold on to a relationship? So far - no regrets. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:41:39 PM | I made many mistakes, and have many regrets. It think my biggest mistake was the first one....
I should have gone with my gut - and not married him in the first place. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:44:25 PM |
but how can EVERYONE be the victim? Where are the scoundrels? Most of the threads on here blame the other's behavior for the breakup... and I have met several men who ALL blame their evil wives...
Doesn't it make you doubt the validity to these claims? Do we all see ourselves as victims? God... I hope not
I believe that most (not all) who post on these threads are hoping to meet someone for dating/relationship, so they tend to show themselves in the very best light. After all, who is going to want to connect with someone who admits that they are ______ (fill in the blank with whatever negative attribute you can think of)?
I, however, am not hoping to meet someone here (or anywhere for that matter) to date so I will tell you flat out: Yes, after two failed marriages and one really important LTR that failed, I was wrong at least half of the time too. After much reflection and inner searching I have come to realize that there are times when I am much too ****y, shrewish even. No, that does not define me.....I am also very loving, generous, funny and sometimes down right charming, BUT I do have my horrible side. There, I've said it; I'm screwed now. 
So yes....there were things that I did wrong in my relationships. There were things he did wrong too.
Take a look at Jon & Kate (you know of +8 fame?). All you have to do is watch them together to see that it is true when they say "it takes two". Some will say that Kate is way too ****y and emasculates Jon. Others will say that Jon is immature and that is why Kate has to be the way she is with him. The truth is that both of them have some blame to share. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:01:06 PM | For those who are always on watch for Red Flags, I have been married three times.
In each of those failures, I can now, after years of soul-searching, recognize many mistakes and missed opportunities. In two of those marriages (first and third) I was the one who was left, and in the second I did the leaving. I acknowledge my mistakes and have tried hard to recognize how they happened so that I may never do them again. The last marriage dissolved because I could not deal with a major health issue and withdrew from the world. I don't blame her in the least for leaving, because I simply was not there for her.
I'm actually not all that bad a guy. For the record all three of my ex's are FaceBook friends now. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:09:50 PM | In my case, NO. The only thing I should have worked harder on was leaving him sooner!!! But that was my one marriage. As far as men I've dated or had as a b/f that's different.
It's a learning experience isn't it? You move on and hopefully you learn from the past mistakes in a relationship.
Going back and trying again??? Well if I have fault in the breakup I tend to leave them be, if they want to try again it's up to them. Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:28:01 PM | Wow, I've thought about this many times in the past.
First husband, well, I believed we stayed together for the sake of our child. That was a huge mistake. Could I have done more to "make it work?" Absolutely! However, there truly was no love there anymore...
Second husband. I loved him with all my heart. He was 17 years older than me (now 63), but the baggage that came along with that marriage was just too much for me. His ex-wife, grown children and grandchildren always came first and I often wondered why he even wanted to marry me. If that sounds selfish, well, then so be it. But I believe that if you're married, your spouse comes first. He and I recently had this same talk and both of us agreed we could have tried harder. I could have been more accepting and he could have told the kids, it's time to grow up. In addition, did the ex have to come to dinner EVERY Sunday so it wouldn't hurt his grown kids' feelings? I just felt like the third wheel in the relationship and they should have stayed married. He understands that now and has chosen to remain single for fear of putting another woman through this.
So, to answer your question, no, I don't blame either one of my ex's for the demise of our marriage. I was to blame as well. But I'm going to learn from my mistakes and hopefully become more accepting of past relationships, learn to love the man I'm with and accept the fact that all of us have some baggage when we enter into a new relationship. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:30:10 PM | | Yes, I really did give it my all...and then some! Of course I wasn't perfect or blameless and I learned a lot from the experience. I know that we are both much better off for our parting after all was said and done. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:32:38 PM |
After much reflection and inner searching I have come to realize that there are times when I am much too ****y, shrewish even. No, that does not define me.....I am also very loving, generous, funny and sometimes down right charming, BUT I do have my horrible side. There, I've said it; I'm screwed now.
rosebuds57... I would rather enter into another relationship with someone who is aware of their flaws. (not liars/delusional)
It would seem if you don't know what you did wrong, you will more than likely repeat it with the next guy. (to me) | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:36:02 PM | In my most significant relationship, I felt I did all I could do. No I was not Mr Wonderful every minute- and neither was she perfect either but it usually worked out. But we worked to keep things going, counsellors and talks and at the end got- "Your a very nice man...but". I blame circumstances as much as the two of us as well.
Was I hurt-of course. Maybe upset and blaming her for the loss and ranting - at first. But then I realized that we were young and grew up together too. I remember the good with the bad- there were a lot of good moments too. I had a lot of divorced buddies who screamed bloody murder about the ex - I really didn't want to get like that.
But- since that point in time, the relationships have been shorter, more about power struggles, trying to get what YOU what out of a relationship and trying not to fall into the faults of the last relationships. But relationships take two wanting to keep it together.
You see long term relationships all the time, some equal, some not- but still going along. Just makes you wonder- what do I need to do to get to the same place?
Demand everything from a partner or give myself over totally to someone else or compromise. I think we all want to feel we compromised, gave a bit of ourselves to someone great- but then it comes down to matter of degree- one end is a control freak and the other a doormat. I think most of us want to be neither.
I want to live in the middle- for a long time. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:46:17 PM |  I didn't necessarily mean me personally, but there are some relationships like the poster between my posts who said she should have worked harder at leaving sooner........I'm probably a little monster....make notes of the high forhead and bolts in neck | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:27:18 PM | My ex divorced me on the grounds of mental cuelty- I didn't like his girlfriend.
I wish I were kidding. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:33:00 PM | janet4ever: "but how can EVERYONE be the victim? Where are the scoundrels? Most of the threads on here blame the other's behavior for the breakup... "
up above in another post i think you also referred to "scumbags"...
i've never thought of my ex as a scumbag or a scoundrel. he has a disorder that he has decided isn't a problem. the symptoms of NPD include a sense of entitlement, pathological lying, grandiosity, manipulative behaviour, lack of responsibility, verbal abuse, lack of self-control and self-discipline, parasitic lifestyle, and lack of empathy. many such people also engage in gaslighting (he did).
it is very painful and difficult to live with a person whose day to day life is like this.
i agree with the poster who said it is a terrible thing to blame those on the receiving end of such behaviours.
i also completely agree that in healthy relationships (certainly in my other relationships) it's 50-50, and i'm happy to examine, improve and work on what i need to, as well as take responsibility where i go wrong. but people who haven't walked in the shoes of people who have been in abusive relationships-- well i totally hope you never do, and my heart goes out to those who have. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:51:27 PM |
i also completely agree that in healthy relationships (certainly in my other relationships) it's 50-50, and i'm happy to examine, improve and work on what i need to, as well as take responsibility where i go wrong. but people who haven't walked in the shoes of people who have been in abusive relationships-- well i totally hope you never do, and my heart goes out to those who have.
NPD is very rare, but I do know it exists and how there is NO relationship with someone like that as they are incapable. Many selfish, arrogant, delusional people exhibit some of the behaviors, but not to the extreme of a true NPD.
And MY heart goes out to those that have been victims of mental or physical abuse... my first husband spent a year in jail for domestic violence issues, so yes I have walked in those shoes.
This thread is not about that, nor am I trying to lay blame on anyone... only asking if others have, over time, come to realize in a greater sense their contribution of a break up... because frankly, I rarely (if ever) hear that. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:53:13 PM | but people who haven't walked in the shoes of people who have been in abusive relationships-- well i totally hope you never do, and my heart goes out to those who have. Oh I couldn't wear shoes, yeah, you know how it is when you are constantly walking on eggshells Of course I did get free roller coaster rides... Honestly still am unable to talk to him without his either crying he still loves me or yelling and screaming and am told that he takes a foot of pills in the morning and evening.
The reason you may not read too many, I am at fault lines, on the forums is because people that really did cause their divorce have a hard enough time dealing with it, they don't want to have to read it too. Those that are trying to date aren't going to want to read how the guy they want to date physically or verbally abused his last wife, or the woman did that to her last husband etc.
It doesn't mean that those that post consider themselves victims. I don't consider myself a victim. I really consider that I survived and so did my kids (although my scars/pain runs very deep). My ex is a victim of mental illness and he will die with it. He has told me and the kids during clarity he screwed up, but he doesn't have control of himself and honestly don't think he ever will. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:55:38 PM | In my last relationship, I feel I worked as hard as I could until his new blond girlfriend showed up at the door!!!
The previous one, he was bi-polar and didn't want to admit he also had a drinking problem. I left when he had me pinned against the wall.
I regret not trusting my gut. I did my best and I did make mistakes. I will take my 50% of the blame because the victim mentality is not a good spot to be in. Some people are just not meant to be together. I think it's as simple as that. I would hope that my choices are better next time and if not, that I recognize faster that there is not a positive interaction going on in the relationship.
But hope springs eternal. There are so many wonderful people doing great things in the world. It's more about the journey than the destination (a perfect relationship). | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:58:30 PM |
but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?
Yep...sure do, did, done....I believe the relationship would have ended the same way though. You can have love without respect and he never respected me and I lost all respect in him...so be it!
Nothing wrong with new beginnings though. I can say that I will do things differently with the next man I truly love. See more of how my behavior is contributing to problems in the relationship, blame less and truly forgive. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:33:40 PM | If I had given it any more or any longer, I'd have ended up either in a wooden box (doing myself in) or the local nut house.
Not to sound too dramatic..lol.. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:39:17 AM | How one can fight a tumour in brain that affected his personality and his memory?!
Do I ever wish I worked harder to hold on to a relationship?
I did more than my fair share - even on the other side of the world - all in the name of love, faith and beliefs that got us together in the first place. Sadly, after crucial two years of sheer destruction I came to conclusion that life is for living, and not suffering mental cruelty.
Just as "friendlyfreespirit" pointed ... I could end up in the same way if I hadn't "broken the chains". | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:39:31 AM | | Well i tried to hold it together, marriage guidance etc, gave her some space, but i really think she had made her mind up. | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 3:05:27 AM | My two marriages - yes I gave it my all. But I can't really say I have the horror stories to tell some do either. One I chose to end and the other I was left behind. Being left behind hurt at the time and lost me some things I would rather have kept but I have always blamed that on my own unrealistic expectations - not my ex per se.
The one I left was due to her unstated belief that I would never have custody of my son - she didn't want kids. The problem was that she didn't say that until it was time for him to come live with us! There isn't a whole lot of trying you can put in when faced with a basic attitude like that! Not if you're a parent at least.
Luckily both marriages were short term and we all came through with the minimal amount of drama and pain. Despite having no reason to - we even stay in touch and remain friendly so as I said before - I just don't have the horror stories some can tell of.
The place I should have worked harder was prior to the marriages! A little more open eyed apraisal and a little less infatuation and I might just be able to claim single status on here today instead of divorced.
My longest term SO, I have to admit I stopped trying. We spent over ten years together with me mostly buried in work for the last three of them to avoid the problems I didn't have the strength to deal with any more. I finally left.
At the time I blamed all of it on her. I've since learned that there were other things I could have tried. Treatment options for the base causes of her behaviors that we never explored. Perhaps just forcing myself to deal with the issues instead of avoiding them could have helped. I'll never know because I gave up!
So yes OP, I have come to realize I COULD have played a greater part in saving a relationship than I would have admitted at the time. But at what cost? And were the possible rewards of saving it worth the cost of trying harder? I have no answers there beyond a simple belief that maybe some things just aren't meant to be!
Cheers  | |
|
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 3:13:08 AM | --good question. I've asked it of myself before and find that when I come back to it, as time passes, the answers can change. I think the truth is: I gave all I had to give at the time. For me, that's the beauty of being alive...I just keep learning. Hindsight is always 20-20, isn't it(?), so I don't spend alot of time kicking myself or anybody else in the butt. Today, I know that I have so much more to give as a partner...so any of the stories I've racked up along the way have brought me gifts of deeper insight and wisdom and gentleness. The biggest difference, today, is that I know clearly what I want to share in partnership....and I know, that I want to have it coming back my way, too. I'm believing that the connection exists....we just have to find it...Or, at least, appreciate the journey.  | |
|
Home
login 
