| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 4:39:12 AM |
imo,which is easier said then done, that a soul needs to breath under the best circumstances and vise-a versa. I feel you did your best and will continue to be just that.
I was only married once,20 plus years and have two great sons, so in retrospect I gave my all and she did too. And I still give it my all to my family,the love,wisdom and respect as they now grow, as young and productive men in this world.
That's Life, as Frank Sinatra said,regrets,I have a few,but to few to mention
No doubt about it you are one rare gem of a man! There is little doubt in my mind that you gave it your all and continue to do so with your children..
Now before I go tooting your horn to loudly I will go back to my corner..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:06:42 AM | | Yes, I did give it "my all". I was married in the 90s, worked lots of overtime, cooked, cleaned the house, did laundry, yard work, and changed diapers. My best simply wasn't good enough. My ex mother-in-law insisted we needed to invest more and make more money, live the California lifestyle (I'm from the Midwest, we live within our means). It got to the point where I was tired of getting my a$$ reamed on a daily basis, so I got out and never looked back. My daughter lives with me and the ex is no better off than when we split up 10 years ago. There's a special place in hell for the mother-in-law. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:27:18 AM | | Believe me, I do understand the temptation to retroactively assume responsibility, but I have to warn against it. You'll just wind up thinking that you have learned from past mistakes, and now realize what it takes to succeed, which leads to being open to starting up again with someone new, and then before you know it you'll be right back in a relationship, confident in yourself to manage any conflicts that may arise, since you assume you have a hand in the outcome. If your new partner has done the same retrospection and is similarly equipped with his own hard won wisdom, he will also be intending to do it right this time. Then what happens is, you fight over whose lessons learned should be followed, and break up over that. Just trying to help. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:11:24 AM | | First marriage, 29 yrs, 10 months. Yes, I gave it my all and kept it working through his alcoholism and numerious affairs. We had a great counselor. That doesn't mean my all was what the marriage or he needed. My all was great, just not the right all for him. He has a new life and I hope he found the all he needs this time around. Second time around, wow. Life had taught us both so much and we had a great time right up to the day he died. He truely taught me what it looks like when someone is giving their all to a marriage. That gives me lots of hope for the next time! | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:36:47 AM |
If your new partner has done the same retrospection and is similarly equipped with his own hard won wisdom, he will also be intending to do it right this time. Then what happens is, you fight over whose lessons learned should be followed, and break up over that. Just trying to help
Hopefully my partner will have no wisdom to contribute in that area. He will just be right where he should be.. then no drama will unfold and we will live happily ever after..
What a day for a daydream!!
I was bleaching my patio blocks this morning and it must have gotten to me..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:03:09 AM | ---ok, good people, you just simply are not going to rain on my parade--LOL---so, maybe I just get to enjoy the journey---???----if that's not possible, I'm sure farceur (or however ya spell that) will share with me why not.... see ya....I'm gonna go wiff some bleach water. Heck, whatever works.. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:30:39 AM | do you ever think that maybe you should have done some things differently to have stayed in your marriage?
NO.
The only thing I should have done differently was get the hell OUT of my marriage after the first year, instead of hanging in there for another 15 years.
BIG mistake from the very beginning.
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 10:33:14 AM |
Believe me, I do understand the temptation to retroactively assume responsibility, but I have to warn against it.
I'm not talking about assuming ALL the responsibility, but to deny your part in a partnership that YOU CHOSE seems rather lame.
You'll just wind up thinking that you have learned from past mistakes, and now realize what it takes to succeed, which leads to being open to starting up again with someone new, and then before you know it you'll be right back in a relationship, confident in yourself to manage any conflicts that may arise, since you assume you have a hand in the outcome.
More of what I'm thinking is you'll have a more humble approach next time, instead of an angry, bitter one.
If your new partner has done the same retrospection and is similarly equipped with his own hard won wisdom, he will also be intending to do it right this time. Then what happens is, you fight over whose lessons learned should be followed, and break up over that. Just trying to help.
I don't feel I've acquired some hard-won wisdom, nor would I seek that in a mate -- as that has a pompous tone to it... realizing it takes two to make it or break it seems a worthwhile lesson. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:09:25 AM | Yes...I gave it my all. I was totally in love with my ex right up until he asked me for a divorce....apparently life was passing him by. When I repeated the marriage vows I believed in "for better or worse" at the time.
Am I bitter? I was once...now I'm better
...maeflowers | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:15:17 AM |
So my advice to women is don't get married! Sooner or later, you're going to feel like leaving. And will.
RanRan, if everyone you're with leaves you, don't you ever wonder why? Just "maybe" you are not motivating them to stay?
I do believe there are more to wedding vows than the promise of not divorcing. Like I said before, there is a lot that happens between the "I do" and the "I want out".
Maybe some of that had to do with you as well.
And maybe not. In which case you're absolutely perfect and likely will never find someone to match your level of superiority...  | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:19:41 AM |
"Divorce is not a possibility." That's what my second wife agreed to. Women do not keep their promises or vows. Whatever they feel like doing is justified because they 'feel' it.
So are guys justifiably gun shy? You bet.
Indeed that was what my second husband agreed to as well. So not only women do it men do it as well..
Thought I would share this as it has to do with life and divorce
After a While You Learn
by Veronica A. Shoffstall 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
To build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…
So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,
You Learn…
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:40:08 AM | ^^ahh... but Ran Ran, I never said anyone left me. (you did) Actually you said all women eventually leave so should not get married.
I've been married three times. The first time I really did think it was all him -- and that if I had a more reasonable mate, it would be different! I married the complete polar opposite of the first and that didn't last either... then again, a new and improved version enters the scene... same out come.
They were all very, VERY different from each other, so I am not repeating my poor choice in men... obviously the only common thread there was me  (shoot... I really hate that part)
So yeah. I screwed up lots. And I don't expect to find the "better version" of a man that will cause me to succeed... I know I have to be a better me. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:53:26 AM | [Quote]"Divorce is not a possibility.
Divorce is always going to be a possibility if the person you married turns into an alcoholic, drug addict, or abuser.
Some issues in a marriage are definate deal breakers. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:53:58 AM |
So my advice to women is don't get married! Sooner or later, you're going to feel like leaving. And will. Ahhhh yeah, here I am the outcast, the weirdo, the whatever. I didn't leave anyone. I don't necessarily want to marry again, my current bf has sort of changed that thought pattern, but living as far away as he does and the economy bring reality into focus.
My bf left his first and second wives. The first because he couldn't deal with her anorexia any longer. He couldn't help her and didn't want to watch any longer. He and the second wife grew apart instead of together.
So first hand I see men leaving and as I brought up before, I saw my dad mess around on my mother and my sister's ex husband do the same to her. I can't say that is the wife leaving so much as the husband already left. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:11:08 PM |
They were all very, VERY different from each other, so I am not repeating my poor choice in men... obviously the only common thread there was me (shoot... I really hate that part)
Wow! Kudos to you Janet for being so honest with yourself and with us. That's refreshing! And a redhead too? Be still my heart 
We all make mistakes in relationships and a breakup is rarely one-sided. I've committed huge transgressions in the past which have served to teach me that I'm not perfect (gasp) and I shouldn't expect perfection from my partner.
Having said that, the "not perfect" thing is often used as a cop-out to excuse bad behavior. That's not what I'm saying. The cop-out is just laziness, which is a (if not the) major contributor to the ending of relationships.
We know we're not perfect; but we can strive to be. It's a destination that cannot be reached in this life, but a journey we make together. What a fun ride. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:35:20 PM |
... but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?
I'm pretty certain that any failure of mine was at LEAST 50% my fault. I have never blamed my exhusband for the demise of the marriage. He had issues, I had issues ~ hence? The marriage had issues. In the end it was just that simple: the end. I'm certain that I caused the initial breakdown of the relationship, he carried that into a realm which left things impossible to reconcile. Therefor, I'd say I probably needed to own more of blame than he did. The really interesting part of the loss? 10 years later I see where his actions are much the same as they were when we were married and my actions are a complete 180 (in regard to relationship conduct.) That makes me think maybe I learned more than he did ~ yet ~ it probably came at a higher price for me because he is constantly in some sort of relationship and I have only forged two in 10 years that meant anything heartfelt at all. Maybe the price was higher for me as the instigator or maybe he just didn't learn a damned thing ~ either way I think in the future should I venture into anything emotional ever again, I'd still be prepared to take my 50% of the blame should it fall apart. JMO  | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:44:36 PM |
RanRan, if everyone you're with leaves you, don't you ever wonder why? Just "maybe" you are not motivating them to stay?
Yes you need to own your mistakes ; and some introspection is always good.
But on the other side of the arguement, how much do you change yourself before you lose yourself? If your partner needs you to do everything to make them happy, they may have an unrealistic idea of what the relationship should be. Isn't someone who does everything to please someone else to the point of humiliation a doormat? Doormats are not widely know for being loved. Some have stated that they left because they just lost respect for their partner.
But sometimes I think we can just lose each other or lose interest or change. It takes two to make a relationship work. Over many years, sometimes one partner may be giving less than their "all" and at some point the other may not be trying too hard.
But many get through it and many don't.
In which case you're absolutely perfect and likely will never find someone to match your level of superiority
LOL- You may find that at the top of the hill there's only room for one. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:02:39 PM | Janet said ...They were all very, VERY different from each other, so I am not repeating my poor choice in men...
Good for you... I also am looking for someone who are not repeating their poor choice in men  ... I also have a saying that I have adopted as mine that I can make a normal lady stark raving NUTS!!!!! Women don't leave me they complain and I get weary and leave !! It don't take long .!!!! As far as did I give it my all ??I think I did the best I could . My son sometimes tells me how his mother treats her husband and I smile and think better him than me .... I also see tight azzz men trying that control thingy so it not a gender thing .  If you love me you will accept me doing what makes me happy.  | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:10:29 PM | | At the time I did, and that’s what matters. With hindsight maybe things could have been different or better, but I’m not the same person now that I was then. I think each relationship I’ve been in, good or bad, has helped make me the person I am today so in a way I’ve learnt from them and that can only be good. No point having regrets for what might have been. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:21:48 PM | 70 percent of women file; however, filing for a divorce does not equal: being the cause for the divorce, desiring to end the relationship any more than the husband, not necessarily the person who actually initiated the divorce discussion, and not necessarily the person that actually left the home and/or relationship.
In my case, my ex tried to get part of my house and other things even with my prenup!
Generalizations don't work and they suck.
Right now the divorce rate in the US is the lowest it has been in in about 18 years from statistics I have read. The US government doesn't normally keep stats on all the information about divorces. It is independent companies that make the studies for the statistics with divorces and some states do record different information. State to state there are even differences in reasons and causes and no fault won't show actual cause. But I guess money is still the number one problem on couples' lists. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:26:45 PM | I had my marriage annulled back in 96.
I was told I didn't make a valid effort.
I'm not really sure.
I had quit smoking for quite some time. I was smelling smoke in the house. She would tell me it was her son. I was smelling weed in the house. She said it was her son.
I
was
told
that
she
was
still
married
to
her
ex.
She said her son was a liar.
I could deal with the smoking since I used to even though she proclaimed smoking was stinky and nasty.
I could deal with the weed as long as she wasn't stoned all the time.
I gave up when I found out she was a bigamist... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:29:04 PM | Two questions one should ask before giving your all... is it healthy for me? and will it make a difference?
I believe a person should know what their giving limits are before going into a relationship and have a few discussions concerning mutual limits before getting beyond a friend stage... not sure if me and my ex did that (getting older and the memory fades), but I hope to say I learned from the experience.
No, I didn't give it my all, but I'm glad I didn't because now I see it wouldn't have mattered and going beyond what I felt was healthy for me would have only have raised expectations that I still wouldn't be able to fulfill. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:32:21 PM | I can take part blame, my girls meant the world to me and I did put them first at times. He needed to be first, always, and resented it. He did not voice his needs to me except in anger at the end. I tried very hard to make him see how very loved he was, but he chose to get involved with someone else. After 22 plus years together, it was over.
I am very independent and I think he needed to be needed in a way that is just not me. He has dated two women seriously since our divorce and both of them are very needy women.
He is very regretful for leaving in the way that he did and has said so.
We have long moved past it all. I think he is a wonderful person and we have a great time together when he comes to town to visit. He lives out of state now. We visit often by phone. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:23:09 PM |
I believe a person should know what their giving limits are before going into a relationship and have a few discussions concerning mutual limits before getting beyond a friend stage..
I think you need to explain this more. I am not aware of any limits I have with regards to giving?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:32:12 PM | | The "giving" I am referring to is the amount of change of yourself that you are willing to give for the sake of the relationship. Beyond a certain limit, the change can only be a chameleon-like act that will always come back to haunt one. You must be true to yourself before you can be true to anyone else. | |
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