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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:46:27 PM |
Nope. I don't second-guess my divorce at all.
It WAS an unbearable situation and I protected myself and my daughter by leaving. It was the healthiest thing to do and I have no regrets.
Was it easy? Hell, no! Was it right? Hell, yes!
As far as blame goes, well, what happened, happened, and I can't change it. I look back now and and even from today's perspective, honestly, the only thing I can see that I could possibly have done differently was to leave him sooner. In hindsight, the end result was painfully obvious long before I admitted it.
Ditto, could not have expressed it any better. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:56:53 PM |
I gave it what was my best at the time.
Just like I'll give it what is my best at the next time.
I'd venture a guess that that is what most people do. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 3:00:40 PM | | I can honestly say that I had no part in the demise of my relationships, Im guilty of staying to long in a bad relationship to try and help them. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:47:28 PM |
I can honestly say that I had no part in the demise of my relationships, Im guilty of staying to long in a bad relationship to try and help them.
Ditto.... What she said!
... but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?
OK... The Ditto thing......Not really... far from it actually. I was married three times, and yes, all three was them wanting out. So, obviously there are things a guy needs to work on, and when I say a guy,... I can only speak for myself.
I never believed it was all me, and even though there were things I could point a finger at... that I felt they could have done different, I still never that it was about them.
This could get long... bare with me.
I don't believe I was abusive? I know physically I wasn't, But can we sometimes not communicate enough? Maybe becoming withdrawn, or worried about work and things can close us up where we may not realize we are not giving the support a spouse might need? When they feel anxiety or fear themselves... Do we try and sit with them and at least try to understand what they are feeling? I would like to think so, but probably not 100% of the time, maybe not that most important time they needed you.
I'm not a cheater, My eyes don't wonder and I don't oddle at women... But did I say enough times how nice she looked?
Sure, a woman wants to respect her man, as does a man his wife... We can't be a door mat... but because a man doesn't like confrontation doesn't mean he won't stick up for himself when it is important! I believe a couple can have their girls nights/guys nights... as long as they make sure they keep a date night in the mix for themselves.
I've read every post here and find some kinda missing the theme of this message. Or should I say Question at hand. Did you really give it your all?
Sure, there are a lot of abusive relationships, and it is something that someone may have to deal with for a long time, from some posts here I hear that they say they have learned where they will put up their boundaries, well, thats good, But just make sure they are boundaries... and not walls. If you can't move forward from that relationship, you need to continue healing before you take those so called boundaries into another relationship.... From what I read, I'm sure you will continue to heal.
But this to me wasn't the theme of this thread, there are many threads that deal with those type of relationships. Did you give it your all? We all would like to say yes and pat ourselves on the back, especially being here, in the forums of a dating site.
I personally feel that everyone of us could have done something better. But thats me... looking at my relationships and how they turned out. Sure we could have done a great job, and at times even feel we were doing everything we could. But it actually is impossible, Not to beat ourselves up, but life is about evolving... from birth, to death. At some points in our lives we have big WOW moments of things we learned and realized, it is those mistakes, or hardships, or challenges that make us who we are. Actually, it is taking those things, and allowing ourselves to continue forward, not letting them knock us down.
So, a Divorce? Nothing pretty about a divorce... You don't wake up and put that on you wish list... (OK sure if your in abusive or otherwise not a good marriage, sure you can wake up with that wish, only because you are already in hell) So if you are at the cross road... You have contributed in some way. But I'm not saying this to try and make people feel bad... and a lot of you will feel you really gave it your all. But when you get into another relationship, will you give it the same all you did before? Or did you learn something about yourself?
This isn't a blame game.... Your ex is history.... What have we learned... what can we take from that last relationship? After all, getting married is one of the things you dream about... and not from hell... So that person had to have something that was good and appealing... If not... You didn't give it your all at the beginning. You didn't even bother to really get to know that person!
OK... so I'm sitting here and saying YOU a lot.... Believe me... The YOU I am talking to is ME!
You all can to ask yourselves the same questions. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:16:28 PM | jackdiamond asks: But when you get into another relationship, will you give it the same all you did before?
i think this is a really good question.
for myself, i dunno. i'd sure be slower to do so. and i'm sure it would be a different all that was needed, because hopefully it would be a 50-50 (and 40-60 back and forth as seemed good) relationship.
ah now i'm feeling all optimistic... sigh. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:22:59 PM |
I personally feel that everyone of us could have done something better. But thats me... looking at my relationships and how they turned out. Sure we could have done a great job, and at times even feel we were doing everything we could. But it actually is impossible, Not to beat ourselves up, but life is about evolving... from birth, to death. At some points in our lives we have big WOW moments of things we learned and realized, it is those mistakes, or hardships, or challenges that make us who we are. Actually, it is taking those things, and allowing ourselves to continue forward, not letting them knock us down.
Nice post, Jack. And this is exactly the point that I am trying to make... and see in myself and some other "potential" moving forward. Thank you...  | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:42:16 PM |
The funniest post in this thread alluded to using divorces as a training device for learning - apparently, by the 8th or 9th divorce some sort of perfection is attained and then a woman can host seminars for young brides.
I lived with someone for a long time but never married. Now I feel like I missed out on something. I should strive to go out and make it official next time, get married and divorced before the eyes of the law and experience the personal growth that comes along with it. I will also be able to join a fine club of people and have something in common with more folks here.
I'm having an epiphany here or something.
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:01:26 PM | | Ran-Ran....that's just mean... and ugly. I'm sorry you're so hurt and angry. I guess I'm wondering, now, if you're then saying that you don't feel you've grown as a person in any positive way as a result of whatever your relationship history is? Do you just feel battered still? Your profile seems delightful in ways....but, goodness, such a hard wall...I'm sorry for that. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 7:44:35 AM |
I'm growing a little tired of women telling themselves and others how wonderful the experience is for 'personal growth.
I'm not sure, But I haven't really heard this... I haven't heard anyone here say they were looking forward to getting married so they could go through a bunch of crap and divorce for that experience of personal growth. I believe that if You are not fortunate to find yourself one that you met, married and lived happily ever after with one person, than hopefully we can realize what did or did not work? And what if any could we ourselves have done better, because we are not perfect, and we all make mistakes... But can we learn from those mistakes and maybe avoid them in a different relationship.
And we can't change what we feel someone else did wrong, you are than putting that on someone else... we can only recognize what we can change about ourselves. We can only develop our own actions and reactions to make ourselves a better partner.
If people put more into learning what they themselves can do, rather than focussing on what bad your partner is doing, you just might learn something? And I'm not trying to give any abusers any excuses... to me this is a different topic. Normal good people divorce because they tend to focus on others faults, and let that take over the relationship... Just sayin' | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 7:44:56 AM |
There's nothing positive about it. BULL I have children and if you think that it was positive having a man around them that went from screaming and yelling to passing out is a good thing for them to see, you are nuts. I didn't file for my divorce, yeah, big time Christian here that hoped he would want to work with his doctors, but I was wrong. So he filed and after 2 years of total crap and paying a freaking lawyer, I agreed to things I shouldn't have to just stop the insanity. Heck he was living with his now wife. It was freaking nuts to have to live through what I did. Divorce was positive.
I used to see you as a wise old man, now I see you as a bitter one and I don't see you saying positive things on the threads any more. Maybe I am missing them. But these generalizations suck. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:02:56 AM | | Ran-Ran----your pain and anger sound very fresh. Ouch. Get a punching bag, maybe, or a good therapist? Just don't hit that wall with your fist....ya could keep hurting yourself. Blessings to ya. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:25:40 AM | | What a great, thought provoking question. JackDiamond, there are so many great statements in your post. I didn't have a traumatic or abusive marriage or divorce, so am speaking from that perspective. I think it's possible and helpful to reflect and learn from our relationships – and the end of them – without obsessing or getting stuck in the past. As others said, I gave the best I could give at the time … some of the time. We just weren't in synch for years and sometimes when he was trying, I wasn't; it went on like that for too long. At the time I blamed him – now with hindsight, we were both at fault. The most important thing to me is garnering some wisdom from what happened "Next time I'll communicate better" (my personal learning experience) or something else that will help me/us in any type of relationship – friends, romance, work, etc. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:39:13 AM |
The "giving" I am referring to is the amount of change of yourself that you are willing to give for the sake of the relationship. Beyond a certain limit, the change can only be a chameleon-like act that will always come back to haunt one. You must be true to yourself before you can be true to anyone else.
I would pick a partner that would not require me to make too many changes. One that I have much in common with to start with. He would be fine with whatever hobbies I am pursuing, likewise I would respect his interests.. Other changes I would not make would be what food is in the house...
Anything else I am very flexible on..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:41:52 AM |
Good plan. After three divorces, a forth marriage would qualify you as a serial bride or something...
Or in some cases a serial groom.. lol I would think after that many marriages one would hang up their skates with regards to tying the knot? But yes I know the beat goes on..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:57:41 AM |
"Next time I'll communicate better"
You seem to communicate pretty good.... I just wanted to acknowledge, I feel communicating as perhaps the most important thing, without it, how can you possible be on the same page? And this does include all aspects of our lives.
I would think after that many marriages one would hang up their skates
Being one of those who have been married that many times.... (even though I am in no hurry to tie the knot again)... It doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed on the Ice. <<<<< a little Ice fishing .... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:41:49 AM |
Divorce sucks. There's nothing positive about it. I'm growing a little tired of women telling themselves and others how wonderful the experience is for 'personal growth.'
There has been a lot of trauma in my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But to deny that these things make you stronger would have what purpose? The alternative is to dwell on the pain and live in bitterness, and I really don't want to do that.
Divorce does indeed suck. But does your life need to end there?
Sometimes taking some of the responsibility (in a non-abusive!) for the breakup of a marriage alleviates that need to remain angry and frees you to move on. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:45:17 AM | | Thanks JackD ! The challenge for me is to translate my online typing skills into real-life conversations. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 10:33:08 AM | Janet, I have to admit that in retrospect, I made a lot of mistakes that I regret. He wasn't perfect for me, but it could have worked if we'd both tried harder. I should have overlooked some things he did which were annoying but basicly harmless. He overlooked a lot of my faults, and I credit him for that.
I envy women who can get support and advice from mothers and sisters and close friends, when their relationships are in trouble and they don't know what to do. I had no one to advise me and that made it all so much harder.
I hope I will find someone to love again, and if I do, I know that I'll be much more patient than I was before. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:08:50 AM | greenbird said:
Janet, I have to admit that in retrospect, I made a lot of mistakes that I regret. He wasn't perfect for me, but it could have worked if we'd both tried harder. I should have overlooked some things he did which were annoying but basically harmless. He overlooked a lot of my faults, and I credit him for that.
This made me think. How I wish I could have heard something like this from the one that dumped me without explanation, without a good bye or even a clear reason for her giving up. All I have is a list of theories as to why she acted so strange in the way she just disappeared with no contact, not a word or anything. The only difference from the above quote is I did try harder; Maybe to hard.
Also the things I overlooked were numerous, but I'd rather say the things I "accepted about her". What she would have to overlook or "accept" about me were minuscule in number by comparison.
I have no idea how she is or if she is dead or alive. That bothers me as I still care and worry about her. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 12:18:40 PM | JIM
I feel your pain, and know what it is like to be on the dumping end of a relationship... without a lot of answers! It hurts, and especially when you cared so much for them. Sorry about your situation, and I know how you can feel, to wonder if someone you care about is ok, not having any contact.
but this?
Also the things I overlooked were numerous,
than this
but I'd rather say the things I "accepted about her". What she would have to overlook or "accept" about me were minuscule in number by comparison.
Sure, It can be the absolute truth.... But you can't control how someone treated you... only how you treat them. You can only fix? realize? understand? what you did, or how you saw what she did?
I can only speak for myself, but this is where I try and keep things into perspective. You said.... "Also the things I overlooked were numerous"
To move forward and to be a better mate for someone else, we need to focus more on these things, not on the fact that we gave in more than them, or changed for them more.... And we don't have to lose ourselves to change a little. We should be the people we are, but a relationship takes compromise... This means both will need to change things, in some way.
It is human nature to want to fix others, things they do that we don't like. But think about it? Just because you don't like it... is it wrong that they do it? Again, if we focus on ourselves, to fix ourselves and to accept others for who they are... we will in the meantime... be changing for our partners (If both are on the same page and communicate)... Sure, not always... but it's better to change our behavior... rather than expect someone else to change theirs. And I know.... way easier said... than done. And in the heat of passion or an argument or anything else... Not something that will normally come to mind.
This is why now, as single people in-between a relationship... It is a wise thing to take a good look at ourselves at what we brought to the relationship, and see if we can improve ourselves... Not for your partner... but for yourself.
This is why I think Janet has asked a great question here....  | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:09:45 PM |
How I wish I could have heard something like this from the one that dumped me without explanation, without a good bye or even a clear reason for her giving up.
Jim, I can't imagine what that would have been like. It seems so odd that you would have no idea though, since you were married? As much as I did not always get along sometimes when married, I always knew what was going on and there were no surprises like that. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:25:59 PM | [jim wrote: How I wish I could have heard something like this from the one that dumped me without explanation, without a good bye or even a clear reason for her giving up.]
He missed out on all the good argueing??? | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:37:57 PM | | 100+ % without a doubt, no regret, or even a second thought and it was the best thing I can think I did in a long time and thought of both us not just myself! | |
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