| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:41:37 PM | Boy do you have a case of self pity. I do not mean to sound mean, but please. It takes 2 to tango so to say, and blaming your marriage demise is just, I hate to say it, stupid. Some things are just what they are meant to be....
As I said, it takes two to tango. Its much easier to go out get a lawyer for about $100.oo, draw up some papers and sign the things. never mind about your kids. Never mind about your self. Never mind about your ex husband or wife. Its all about me. Now, it seems after being divorced and having time to look back over things, you now think what could I have done. Its a little too late for that. Nothing can bring back the moment you decided to leave him, and he decided to leave you. Its gone. And now that you have been single, you should have all the time in the world to concentrate on you.........Me me me......
Sounds like I am bitter? Nope. I am not. I just say thing as they are. And maybe, I hope I can reach inside and flick a switch by your reading of this response to your thread. Because, as I said above, its easy to think of "me" when you signed the divorce papers, and took your ex to court to divide the spoils. Its easier to overlook your kids when you were signing that paper because you were thinking just how free you can now be(when in reality you are anything but free...but more tied down with the responsibility of being a probable single parent)Its easy to overlook the fact that the marriage ended and it was BOTH of your faults...ad now it is time to move on. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:53:42 PM |
Sounds like I am bitter? Nope. I am not. I just say thing as they are. And maybe, I hope I can reach inside and flick a switch by your reading of this response to your thread.
I'm all for flicking my switches, but I don't see anything in your post that argues anything I've said.
..but $100 for a lawyer?  I take it you've never been married or divorced? | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 7:03:54 PM |
How I wish I could have heard something like this from the one that dumped me without explanation, without a good bye or even a clear reason for her giving up.
Jim, I can't imagine what that would have been like. It seems so odd that you would have no idea though, since you were married? As much as I did not always get along sometimes when married, I always knew what was going on and there were no surprises like that.
No Janet, we were not married. It was a three year relationship. This is very hard to explain without it getting to personal. But we met on-line, long distance. Flew back and forth for a year to be together as often as time would allow us. A year later she moved here. Had her own apartment for most of the time. Had problems and broke off but got back together. Things were just OK and never really good. Many good times and some very good special moments, but I mean I never felt like she was as committed to the relationship as I was.
Basically, I fell in love and she apparently never did. So I walked on egg shells.
I did everything I could and then some in trying to make it work, But it never does when one cares more about the relationship then the other does. Or when being a couple means more to one then it does to the other.
I had many clues and constant fear that it would not last. I just did not know the end was that close and it would end the way it did. All communication has ended She has moved back to her home state as far as I know. Again, with no explanation, no good byes...nothing. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 7:58:07 PM | Jim: "She has moved back to her home state as far as I know. Again, with no explanation, no good byes...nothing."
That must have been very difficult to go through.
I know two couples where this happened-- one partner simply moved out during the day, and the other came home to no goodbye, nothing, half the furniture gone. In the other case one person walked out, did not say goodbye, rented a new place and never went back.
In both cases, the people were nice, regular human beings; none were having affairs. Those who were left went through a great deal of pain, shock, and self-questioning.
Their friends have no idea why. All four are fine now and in new relationships. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:03:35 PM | In a non-abusive relationship, I don't think there is an honest soul in the world that couldn't have done something more. Sometimes though, giving more isn't what is best for the individuals. I was married for 27 years before she decided she needed a "fresh start". I know I tried to cling on to the relationship, even though I knew in my heart she was right.
It took a lot of time and reflection to understand the things that went wrong, and just as important the things that went right. Looking back in hindsight I realize that the marriage should have ended a long time before. We got married very young, she was my high school prom date. People change over the years, sometimes growing closer, sometimes not.
After the breakup I was hurt and resented her a lot, time has mellowed all of that though and now we get along well. My youngest daughter and I went through a lot in those days, but I can look back on it without regret knowing that this was best choice for all of us. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:18:43 PM | | Yes, I am divorced. And yes, $100.00 for a lawyer. Its called on line. I thought it was a joke when I got them...but it was not | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:44:05 PM | It took a lot of time and reflection to understand the things that went wrong, and just as important the things that went right. Looking back in hindsight I realize that the marriage should have ended a long time before. We got married very young, she was my high school prom date. People change over the years, sometimes growing closer, sometimes not.
After the breakup I was hurt and resented her a lot, time has mellowed all of that though and now we get along well. My youngest daughter and I went through a lot in those days, but I can look back on it without regret knowing that this was best choice for all of us.
...I too married young, just 17...a couple of kids really. And yes, you're right, people change.... he did, as did his feelings for me....and so we divorced.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder if I would be the person I am today if we had remained together. Probably not. I am a stronger, healthier woman in all respects. And truth be known....it was not all bad, I have some very wonderful memories and I have two fabulous children as a result of that union.
Marriage number two should never have happened, and that's mostly my fault, I let myself get caught up in all the passion and ignored the red flags. I really tried but his drug and alcohol problems were too much for me...he needed much more than I could give him.....If you count the many reconciliations, my short lived second marriage lasted maybe a couple of years at best.
I've felt very guilty over the break-up of my second marriage. Many times I agonized over what I could have done differently, I felt like a coward, taking the easy way out, especially in light of the fact that he passed away in another city, alone. He was found in a drug induced coma....so sad, so very sad. A waste of a good man.
...maeflowers | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:55:39 AM | | ^^^ Rationalizing ones actions (making rational - not making excuses for) can be a source or strength. Understanding why things went the way they did is always helpful. Learning from mistakes is a choice of course. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:44:20 AM | "In a non-abusive relationship, I don't think there is an honest soul in the world that couldn't have done something more."
Iam an honest soul and having 'what if' for 15 years I can honestly say I left no stone unturned. All that I could do I did. However, the choices were not mine alone to make. He chose to find and marry someone else instead of working on our relationship. Not within my control.
For the next 8 years I left no stone unturned attempting a joint custody. She refused and tried to erease me from my kids life.
Be careful of any metaphors for always or never like 'an honest soul...' life doesn't operate on always or never. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:39:44 AM |
Divorce weakens people. Especially children. My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.
I envy your perspective, because it's so very obvious that you have never been in a destructive or dangerous household.
But I do agree that in most cases divorce does hurt children -- as do bad marriages, and abusive parents. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:49:33 AM | I was in a family where my parents stuck it out through some VERY difficult times (not necessarily because the times were difficult but they were unhappy). I don't know that watching people fight is preferable to having them divorce. In the end, they were happy together, so I suppose there's a lesson in that.
No argument on the "divorce weakens people" part - but then, there are divorces and there are divorces. My first one cost $750. My second - $300,000. The second one weakened me more than the first. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 10:24:03 AM |
I was in a family where my parents stuck it out through some VERY difficult times (not necessarily because the times were difficult but they were unhappy). I don't know that watching people fight is preferable to having them divorce. In the end, they were happy together, so I suppose there's a lesson in that.
I've got to agree with that quote. I also grew up in a family where my parents often verbally fought bitterly and it did not make for a pleasant home life. As a child, I often wished they would either divorce (which was virtually unheard of in those days) or put me up for adoption because their fighting was very negatively impacting me. Like PW's parents, they too in the end were happy together dying three months apart at 87 and 88. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:46:11 AM | "my parents stuck it out through some VERY difficult times (not necessarily because the times were difficult but they were unhappy). I don't know that watching people fight is preferable to having them divorce. "
It was more a cold war than fighting. Very dysfunctional home. My dad stayed until the youngest, me, got married. 32 years of marraige. While on my honeymoon he left my mother ... went to live on his boat bought with her money.
I'm not all that sure it was good for me that they stayed together. Since I didn't live the alternative I'll never know.
Connie | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 12:58:58 PM | Well, my parents were first in the queue when no fault divorce was introduced in Australia.
I was 14 and my brother was 12 and the feeling of powerlessness has never left either of us. I guess I mean - our lives went into freefall.
My daughter was only small when I ended my marriage, but times have changed. Although we no longer live together, we continue to parent as a couple. We both learned what divorce can do to kids - me through my parents' experience and he through two previous marriages - and we put her before us. Yes, we still fight..but rarely. We have both changed for the better as people because we do this.
Somewhere in her teenage mind, there is still a fantasy of us "together". All her life, she's missed Dad when she's with Mum and missed Mum when she's with Dad. She tells me how much she loves just to hear us talk. She'll sit in the back of the car so quietly, just listening to the comforting sounds. But if I'd stayed, the sounds wouldn't be so comforting.
Life sucks, doesn't it? What a heartbreaking decision it is for all concerned to end a marriage.. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 2:43:58 PM | Well, my dad married 9 times and my mom 4.... I moved around a lot... 5 High Schools in 3 years in 3 states.
Do I wonder what it would have been like growing up in one house... with one set of parents?... sometimes.
But what challenges we overcome makes us stronger... I'm not trying to sugar coat anything or not accepting the fact I grew up around disfunction.... I'm not ignoring anything, rather, I just chose to take these experiences and learn from them the best way, one can. I believe I may have gained more from this way of being raised than just living in one place.... I have a lot more to pull from... More that I can see and understand in others.
I feel strength.... Not a bunch of holes in my feet! | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 3:15:33 PM | There is absolutely no set of rules for people.
A child being taken to a home where one of the parents is screwing around with someone is not healthy and not good for the child. Absolutely the best thing for that child is for the parents to divorce and the child not live with that parent.
A child in a household where a parent yells and screams at them for a parent's imagined reason, is not healthy for the child. Again, parents divorcing and that child again should not be around that abusive parent if they continue to exhibit irrational behavior/abusive behavior.
Did I get stronger from my divorce? OH YEAH! A marriage counselor took me aside after having one session and talked to me straight about getting help for me. I was so beaten down and so use to it, I was gone. I had become used to walking on egg shells, hearing the yelling and screaming, etc. and didn't stand up for myself. I kicked the ex out because of what he did in front of the kids and because he wouldn't go to a doctor/hospital and risked innocent lives. At the time, I didn't do it for me. I am stronger now and I won't take verbal abuse or mistreatment from anyone. I am strong, I am a survivor. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 4:15:39 PM | Again Ren, my ex filed for a divorce. I made him attend marriage counseling as he filed for a divorce against me. I sure as hell quit nothing. I got rid of an abusive mentally ill person after 2 years of paying a lawyer and a couple court hearings. His gf was living with him within 9 months of my kicking him out. Probably sleeping with her within a couple months, but hey, that was his business that he couldn't keep his promise to God, not mine. I am sure you have never been subjected to someone mentally ill.
I absolutely never agree to any child being subjected to a parent screwing around. You are sick if you think a child should be! I absolutely never agree to any child being verbally or physically abused and you are sick if you think a child should be!
As far as an adult goes, again, you dig mental abuse, volunteer at a mental facility some time. You will find out what some people put up with on a regular basis and how it can and will beat them down.
Yeah, I am stronger and think anyone that has to live like I did should get help. I wish someone would have helped me! | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:33:02 PM | ranran
You get stronger by toughing it out
maybe this is just said as a kind of provocation? dunno...
i'm the poster girl for the exact opposite. i am a wreck, as a result of staying far too long in a very unhealthy relationship, and trying, trying trying.
for anyone who is in any kind of abusive relationship, my advice is: Run, Forrest, Run. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:57:08 PM |
Mae, he chose to keep taking drugs and drinking alcohol...it was his choice...
I suppose. One day I asked him to make that choice...the drugs or my daughter and I. He didn't answer.
Divorce weakens people. Especially children .
That's true in some respects. Divorce is crippling to begin with...but you do learn, you heal and you grow stronger.
I agree with you about the children, it affects them for a lifetime. Mine have never gotten over the fact that their dad hasn't given them the time of day in over 10 years. His choice.
My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.
...My parents were married for almost 40 years...not always happily, but they did love one another and weathered through some stormy times....that is until a drunk driver ended my father's life...my mother's too, although she lived.
Divorce is a choice. So is shooting yourself in the foot. Does that make one stronger? No, it makes one limp.
Divorce is not always a choice. It wasn't mine and I wasn't given an option...how do you respond when he says he doesn't love you anymore? And yes...that made me limp.... for a time.
...maeflowers
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:28:40 AM |
Divorce is crippling to begin with...but you do learn, you heal and you grow stronger.
Exactly. There's nothing fun or beneficial about going through a divorce, but coming out on the other side (after some time) can make you smarter, stronger and hopefully willing to take what you've learned and apply it to your future.
The alternative is to sit and moan and groan about the evil ex and how they have destroyed your life. I have seen this too much with those in our age group... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:39:54 AM | Oops, I get here after 7 pages.
I've never been married, and one reason for that is, that in my family--we.do.not.divorce.
I'm afraid that I would be the one to break that streak. I don't "give it my all", I don't think. I think I bail as soon as it's not fun any more. On the other hand, I'm not in relationships for having kids--as many people were. Now, I AM in relationship for fun. So when it's NOT fun, it is time to go. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:57:12 AM | But that's not a relationship, is it? Do you go into these "FOR FUN ONLY" relationships telling the guy, keep it fun... or I'm gone?... Do you tell them, don't get emotionally involved... cause that's not me?
I mean if that is how you want to live your life and guys are all for it... It's your life.. sounds you have it under control.
To me, a relationship is a little more than just fun. And all the other things are just as important.
But that's me... I know!
At least you're honest about not giving it your all.... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 10:30:57 AM |
At least you're honest about not giving it your all....
I can see myself at this stage maybe... wanting to date, have fun, but not marry again -- at least not NOW. I think over time, my view may change... but right now I'm not really confident in going the long haul. | |
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