| | Did you really give it your all?Page 6 of 7 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) | | At this point in my life i blame no one, she did what she did, and obviously was not satisfied with me, and needed someone elseI it just left the door open for me to explore and learn more than I ever knew and give all that I have and that I have learned to appreciate, to someone far more deserving. her loss. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:40:54 PM | | There were a few things tht I would change, but not many. I believe she would have left even if I HAD done everything right. She wanted to live the party life, not raise a family, and she's still doing the same thing 10 years after . . . | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:19:02 PM |
The alternative is to sit and moan and groan about the evil ex and how they have destroyed your life. I have seen this too much with those in our age group...
Guilty as charged.  Going on 10 years now. It doesn't make sense to move on before she's done though - does it?  .
(I had to check to see if I am in your age group - my profile, not yours). | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 10:37:13 PM | I've had that "I don't love you anymore" conversation too.
And it made me limp too. But for a guy, this is a whole lot more serious, ya know? | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 11:39:40 PM | "If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously"
I did take my vows seriously. God knew better than me .... hence, even with 3 children from the marraige ... I have a Catholic annullment. Took several years and respoinding to the required questions required many hours of essay writing and review of my part in the marraige.
Final decision of the Papal Tribunal court? We meant our vows.... God knew we weren't supposed to be together. We could not make work what God never joined together in the first place. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:25:17 AM |
"If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously" After 24 years of marriage, 20 minutes into the first marriage counseling session I finally talked my ex into attending, the counselor looked at us and said "Why are you two married?" I was miserable enough that I was seriously considering two options, either of which would have ended the marriage. I finally chose leaving. It was a more difficult choice than I really care to talk about. But it annoys me no end when people who didn't live in that house think they can decide that I didn't take my vows "seriously." | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:43:10 AM | Msg 140
LP,
What's important is that you did your best and you know you did. As long as your head can hit the pillow at night, then everyone else's opinion really doesn't matter.
Good luck to you.
M | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:09:35 AM | Sure I give it my all, it just takes a little longer to give it. And I'm more efficient too, I can give it all in two tries instead of five.  | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:07:12 PM | | hi.. I gave it my all, your all, the neighbours all... ok I could have been less demanding in the beginning but by yr 7 he had it very good. I lasted another 7 yrs then I lost it...in hind sight, it would have been easier for me to pray for strength to stay then it has ever been to start something new... many blessings for happiness | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:56:03 PM | You can look back, examine your relationships,have your regrets, wish you could have done something more or better, tried to will yourself through or wish you would have talked more and understood your partner better. You can also look at the good things a partner brought you- things people tend to forget- taught you something about yourself, made you smile, negotiated through small problems and added some personal growth.
But through the good and the bad- time keeps moving. You can undo the past and beyond a point you can't dwell on it either. Your life is like a boat on a river- you go with the flow, you can fight it for a while but you get carried along with it eventually. You can sit on shore for a bit, but soon you have to get back out in it. You can learn that its best to go with it, try to steer around trouble and be ready for whatever is around the bend- and trust that you can deal with it. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:19:22 PM |
That's marriage. Misery is attached like a bad email. Everyone is miserable in marriage for a while or even quite a while. Then you learn that it's just life. Work through the misery. Or run and discover another type. In either case, life will be in your face like a rabid dog following you on every path. Buddy up to the poor thing, pet it, train it, master it.
Sometimes, the humane thing to do is to put put a bad marriage OUT of its misery. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:06:45 PM |
My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.
...My parents were married for almost 40 years...not always happily, but they did love one another and weathered through some stormy times....that is until a drunk driver ended my father's life...my mother's too, although she lived.
Mae, that is so tragic! I cannot imagine how painful for your family to lose your father, but to see your mother suffer so terribly.
Divorce is a choice. So is shooting yourself in the foot. Does that make one stronger? No, it makes one limp.
Divorce is not always a choice. It wasn't mine and I wasn't given an option...how do you respond when he says he doesn't love you anymore? And yes...that made me limp.... for a time.
No, it is not always a choice, a marriage is between two people and both have to be willing participants. I was not given a choice in my situation, Grasshopper thought the grass was greener. I was limp too, for a while. Many of us here, I have gathered from many threads, would have liked to have saved our marriages, but our partner was unwilling to communicate what was missing to us. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:09:56 PM |
There were a few things tht I would change, but not many. I believe she would have left even if I HAD done everything right. She wanted to live the party life, not raise a family, and she's still doing the same thing 10 years after . . .
I think my situation might have been much like yours in that I could not have done much to change that he no longer wanted to be a suburban husband and father. He wanted the single life, to feel young again, and to not have so many responsibilites. He too is still doing the same thing, ten years later.
The good thing is SNR, in my case, we are close friends now and he has become a much better and involved father in our girls' life. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:48:22 AM |
I think my situation might have been much like yours in that I could not have done much to change that he no longer wanted to be a suburban husband and father. He wanted the single life, to feel young again, and to not have so many responsibilites. He too is still doing the same thing, ten years later.
I know most of us have "reasons" for why they didn't work out before... and I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:03:05 AM |
I know most of us have "reasons" for why they didn't work out before... and I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences.
I'm learning but it's hard work - still on the A's:
Accede
Acquiesce
Assent | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:50:29 AM | janet4ever: "I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences."
ah, a very different question!
different next time:
-- never allow myself to become dependent on an SO financially, emotionally or spiritually (interdependent is fine)
-- keep good boundaries around independent work and associations
-- listen to the small still voice, always, and follow my heart
-- have more fun, socialize more, host dinner parties (my ex hated other people. made it tricky to have a nice evening with a bottle of wine, friends, and a deck of cards or whatever)
-- follow my predilections-- i like literary readings, experimental theatre, foreign movies, classical music, jazz, some folk and rock, new music, for example. i hardly watch any TV, like quiet, and am a city girl-- my idea of a good holiday is a week in Montreal at a film festival. mud, mosquitoes and dead fish hold little appeal... having said that, i'm 50-50 and happy to share an SO's practices and interests as seems mutually agreeable. i'd even go to see country music, happily and curiously, with the right person. but i am no longer willing to go 100-0.
-- keep my own living space, and finances (my ex lost his half of our savings, his equity in the house, and more, daytrading stocks on the internet and calling it "work"). i know this is rare, and it's not something i'm worried about, i just wouldn't want to go there.
-- make my own decisions about work, school, and other activities. i love consulting about decisions and process, and value others' opinions and time, but would never again let someone talk me out of things that i feel are right to do
-- emotional stuff, that's harder. coming from a current place of low trust, that needs work
-- health-- take care, regardless
hoping everyone here is taking care... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:48:15 PM | In an earlier post I said I know I gave it m all in my last 3 year relationship. I guess that is not true. See, I still have more to give. so if I have more to give, then I surely did not give it my all. Some things, some people are just worth it.
So the question should be reversed. Did the one I love give it her all? I'm sure she would say she did. But I would respectfully disagree.
We have all heard that it takes two. I'm a strong believer in that statement when it comes to couples. So if she gave her all, and I gave my all, we could have worked things out. So what happened is what happens to way to many people; We let pride get in our way. We are afraid to humble ourselves and say we were wrong.
We use words like forgiveness, yet never truly forgive and most importantly, let it go and forget about it.
We lack true understanding of each other's needs and wants. We put our own first and take a stance that cost us what otherwise could have been a life long love that we both set out to gain with each other.
For some, they fear commitment. Fear they will be hurt again. And in that fear, they end up hurting the one they love and loves them. They end up being the one to hurt themselves. They run instead of fight for that love. And if there is one thing worth fighting for, it's love. Without it, nothing else matters.
So if given a chance, I have a lifetime more to give. So no, I did not give it my all...yet.
Clearly, it was her that did not give it her all. I believe for some of all the reasons stated above.
Once again I am reminded of the words to a song.
"The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives. it's my belief pride is the chief cause of the decline in the numbers of husbands and wives."Two people lonely lookin' like houses where nobody lives. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:03:27 PM | ^^^^"And if there is one thing worth fighting for, it's love. Without it, nothing else matters. "
well said. it's also true i think as you point out that both have to give their all...
JMO | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 2:51:46 PM | I'm sure both sides of any couple has their own version of what went right, what went wrong but I know I gave it my all . Could my "all" be given in a better context? perhaps ... but
As in any relationship there were plenty of ups and downs ... nothing and no one is perfect.
"I did my best, but i guess it wasn't good enough cause here we are, back where we were before".
James Ingram | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:19:34 PM | | No, I do not blame myself for the demise of my marriage. I am although guilty for marrying him in the first place.... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:27:19 PM |
Mae, that is so tragic! I cannot imagine how painful for your family to lose your father, but to see your mother suffer so terribly
..Yes, my heart ached for her. She never remarried or even dated after my dad passed away. She really did give it her all.
I wanted that, what my parents had.....but that sort of thing doesn't happen very often does it? Literally meeting 'your other half'
...maeflowers | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:22:23 PM | | I'm sure that there were things that she and I could have done differently, but I don't think that the end result would have been us remaining together. When you grow apart slowly but don't notice it until it's too late, the chasm between the both of you can be insurmountable. | |
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jbogie
| | Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 150 | |
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 9/8/2009 4:52:12 AM |
do you ever think that maybe you should have done some things differently to have stayed in your marriage?
nope. if i had it to do over i would have left ten years earlier. | |
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