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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:50:29 AM | janet4ever: "I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences."
ah, a very different question!
different next time:
-- never allow myself to become dependent on an SO financially, emotionally or spiritually (interdependent is fine)
-- keep good boundaries around independent work and associations
-- listen to the small still voice, always, and follow my heart
-- have more fun, socialize more, host dinner parties (my ex hated other people. made it tricky to have a nice evening with a bottle of wine, friends, and a deck of cards or whatever)
-- follow my predilections-- i like literary readings, experimental theatre, foreign movies, classical music, jazz, some folk and rock, new music, for example. i hardly watch any TV, like quiet, and am a city girl-- my idea of a good holiday is a week in Montreal at a film festival. mud, mosquitoes and dead fish hold little appeal... having said that, i'm 50-50 and happy to share an SO's practices and interests as seems mutually agreeable. i'd even go to see country music, happily and curiously, with the right person. but i am no longer willing to go 100-0.
-- keep my own living space, and finances (my ex lost his half of our savings, his equity in the house, and more, daytrading stocks on the internet and calling it "work"). i know this is rare, and it's not something i'm worried about, i just wouldn't want to go there.
-- make my own decisions about work, school, and other activities. i love consulting about decisions and process, and value others' opinions and time, but would never again let someone talk me out of things that i feel are right to do
-- emotional stuff, that's harder. coming from a current place of low trust, that needs work
-- health-- take care, regardless
hoping everyone here is taking care... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:48:15 PM | In an earlier post I said I know I gave it m all in my last 3 year relationship. I guess that is not true. See, I still have more to give. so if I have more to give, then I surely did not give it my all. Some things, some people are just worth it.
So the question should be reversed. Did the one I love give it her all? I'm sure she would say she did. But I would respectfully disagree.
We have all heard that it takes two. I'm a strong believer in that statement when it comes to couples. So if she gave her all, and I gave my all, we could have worked things out. So what happened is what happens to way to many people; We let pride get in our way. We are afraid to humble ourselves and say we were wrong.
We use words like forgiveness, yet never truly forgive and most importantly, let it go and forget about it.
We lack true understanding of each other's needs and wants. We put our own first and take a stance that cost us what otherwise could have been a life long love that we both set out to gain with each other.
For some, they fear commitment. Fear they will be hurt again. And in that fear, they end up hurting the one they love and loves them. They end up being the one to hurt themselves. They run instead of fight for that love. And if there is one thing worth fighting for, it's love. Without it, nothing else matters.
So if given a chance, I have a lifetime more to give. So no, I did not give it my all...yet.
Clearly, it was her that did not give it her all. I believe for some of all the reasons stated above.
Once again I am reminded of the words to a song.
"The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives. it's my belief pride is the chief cause of the decline in the numbers of husbands and wives."Two people lonely lookin' like houses where nobody lives. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:03:27 PM | ^^^^"And if there is one thing worth fighting for, it's love. Without it, nothing else matters. "
well said. it's also true i think as you point out that both have to give their all...
JMO | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 2:51:46 PM | I'm sure both sides of any couple has their own version of what went right, what went wrong but I know I gave it my all . Could my "all" be given in a better context? perhaps ... but
As in any relationship there were plenty of ups and downs ... nothing and no one is perfect.
"I did my best, but i guess it wasn't good enough cause here we are, back where we were before".
James Ingram | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:19:34 PM | | No, I do not blame myself for the demise of my marriage. I am although guilty for marrying him in the first place.... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:27:19 PM |
Mae, that is so tragic! I cannot imagine how painful for your family to lose your father, but to see your mother suffer so terribly
..Yes, my heart ached for her. She never remarried or even dated after my dad passed away. She really did give it her all.
I wanted that, what my parents had.....but that sort of thing doesn't happen very often does it? Literally meeting 'your other half'
...maeflowers | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:22:23 PM | | I'm sure that there were things that she and I could have done differently, but I don't think that the end result would have been us remaining together. When you grow apart slowly but don't notice it until it's too late, the chasm between the both of you can be insurmountable. | |
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jbogie
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Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 150 | |
| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 9/8/2009 4:52:12 AM |
do you ever think that maybe you should have done some things differently to have stayed in your marriage?
nope. if i had it to do over i would have left ten years earlier. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:37:25 AM | my marriage was so long ago.....
we were young,
we had a good time.....
.
things went wrong.....
we parted,
we got on with our lives,
didn't despise each other,
both loved our child.
we're still friends.....
so,
no.....
apart from having another child with him.....
i wouldn't have done anything differently..... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 9/8/2009 9:21:26 AM | "Yeah there is. If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously or don't take them at all. (That includes honoring and loving each other, BTW). Quitting to 'get stronger' is a cop out. You get stronger by toughing it out - ask my parents' generation."
There are times that's not possible. I took my vows seriously. When he spent our wedding night in someone else's bed, it was pretty obvious that he didn't. Still, I tried for another 2 years - right up to the time he finally moved in with someone else. There were a lot of 'someone elses' along the way... I finally moved far enough away to not see or hear any of what he was doing, and I ended up paying for the divorce. In fact, I paid twice, because the first time, in the state where he lived, he was too hung orver or something to bother to go to court and sign the papers. I did hear from his several months later asking if we were divorced yet, because he wanted to marry whoever it was he currently lived with. I finally did get one in my state, but I didn't tell him about it. Pure pettiness on my part, I'm sure... But it left me so gun-shy I even refused to marry my kids' father. It took nearly 20 years for me to trust someone else again that much, and it was just great, until he died. | |
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