| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 9:57:21 PM |
Okay, I had been seeing this guy for a long time and we had great chemistry but for some reason he was always afraid to tell me how he felt about me. It's like I always had to guess and I hate that. I knew he cared by his actions but I'm the type who needs to hear it from a guy's own mouth. Just recently he stopped talking to me and I have no idea why, so I'm confused as all H*ll because everything was going cool but then the communication just stopped. I don't get it. Why do guys do stupid stuff like that?
Women will ask us to bear our souls, and share our thoughts. Then get pissed and outraged when we actually do. It's called a lose/lose situation. Some times women want to hear our opinions, but only if it clearly reflects how they think as well.
If you want your guy to open up, he has to feel that you aren't going to jump down his throat when he does. I'm not saying you do this, only you know if you are. It sounds like trust issues to me. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:23:09 PM | I've been seeing a woman I met on this site, for about a month now. A few nights ago, we sat down at her kitchen table and she started telling me all about her "feelings" and then she wanted to hear all about my "feelings". I wasn't really all that comfortable going there, and she picked right up on it. In fact in an email the next day she said I looked almost "tortured".
I responded that I would have much rather gotten up and fixed her broken fence than have a talk about my "feelings"..
I don't know that I'm contributing anything here, but it's something I wanted to get off my chest. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:43:35 PM | | Because you'll hold it against us think were weak and walk all over us. Piss on that actions speak louder then words and if you need constant reassurance then work on your self esteem. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:59:52 PM |
but between society, upbringing, and some very basic instincts (more like wiring even)...generally speaking of course..it's not always easy for men to express themselves (nor do they do so in the same way that women do); it's not always deemed appropriate nor are they necessarily shown how to. We confuse the hell out them by wanting them to be all stoic and 'hot' and 'macho'...and then being pissed they're a*holes or uncommunicative. Or we try to get them to open up, do things the way we want , like things we like - basically emasculate them...and the we're not attracted to them. I don't mean you personally...just generally speaking as a society.
EXCELLENT post!!!..I've been saying this many many times...women always talk about they want a guy who is a "manly man"...but yet they want him to show is "feelings" and "open up" etc..little do they know that finding a "manly man" like that is VERY rare...its like they want to have it both ways..well you cant! accept that.....you either want a "manly man" or a man who is emotional/expressive etc.....the vast majority of real "manly men" are not gonna open up emotionally and tell you all the little nice girly things you wanna hear..not gonna happen... | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:16:40 PM | | I know that it is too simple to be true, this is all about he men from mars women from venus thing...but most men don't think the way women do and have a tendancy not to express themselves like that. Say what you want about the modern man, but because he doesn't express himself doesn't mean that he can't communicate..he probably doesn't think about it. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:53:52 PM | It's like they said in the movies; you can't handle the truth. Women don't want to know that men are insecure, you don't want to know if we are afraid; you don't respect us if we become overly interested in you before you want us to; you don't want to know that we still find other women really attractive; the list goes on and on.
There's very little up side to sharing our feelings. It's one big reason men are taught to be 'the strong and silent type'. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:58:13 PM | From an early age most men are taught not to express a lot of emotion. This is contradictory to what most women are taught. One of the fundamental differences between the two sexes…
Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships. A woman's sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating. Whereas a man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment; achieve goals and prove his competence and feel good about himself. Because of this fact, men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking "expert" advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness. Do not take his inability to communicate his feelings to you personally. For him this sort of communication is not part of his normal life experience. He’s just in uncharted waters…
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:09:25 PM | | I had the same thing happen to me, except he did it to me a few times. Breaks it off without telling me. Won't answer emails or the phone. This time its over. I've had enough of the hurt he has caused, Good Riddens to him!!! | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:40:30 PM |
I responded that I would have much rather gotten up and fixed her broken fence than have a talk about my "feelings"..
I don't know that I'm contributing anything here, but it's something I wanted to get off my chest. Au Contraire, mon ami. You hit the nail on the head, just as Sunsation did in post #33.
There ought to be some kind of licensing, before people are allowed to get into relationships. It's a wonder to me that any relationships flourish.
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| Why do we have to talk about feelings to begin with?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:10:05 PM | Guys aren't the only ones who do stupid stuff like that.
He sounds like he was a good guy "I knew he cared by his actions "-that kind of man is a keeper! Would you rather have had some man who endlessly spewed the words you wanted to hear, but didn't back it up with actions?
If a man shows me he cares about me by mowing the lawn, washing my car, or adding to my savings account, that tells me more than any words he could possibly say to me.
There are so many men and women on here who talk in threads about the person they were seeing who SAID they loved them, then cheated/hit/lied/wore their clothes. Words don't necessarily mean anything! If they loved you, they wouldn't cheat, hit or lie to you. They would still wear your clothes, tho. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:44:29 PM | | I'm not afraid to express my feelings in anyway whatsoever. But I can tell you this much, actions do speak louder than words. A guys biggest downfall is expressing his feelings verbally, and the more a woman presses him to let it out, the more we tend to keep it buried. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 12:19:16 AM |
he stopped talking to me and I have no idea why, so I'm confused as all H*ll because everything was going cool but then the communication just stopped.
Don't you see any correlation between your demands upon him to match words to his actions and him starting to cool? Didn't it occur to you that your demands put pressure on him? Doesn't it occur to you that actions speak far louder than words? Would you prefer a man who starts and ends the day with "darling I love you love you love you" and then goes out and cheats? Think about it.
You sound like someone who owns a brand new Rolls Royce complaining "oh my, there's dust on the hood"! | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 12:33:42 AM |
I agree with Bucsgirl. Sometimes we aren't so sure of our own feelings let alone sharing them with someone else. Then there is the common fears such as rejection. I've told women things like "hey you know I really like you a lot" and got no response whatsoever. Ouch. What doesn't kill you sometimes leaves a bruise for awhile.
I agree with this and with bucsgirl, but I also do think that there are people who are just paralyzed when it comes to expressing intimacy. SOMETIMES actions speak louder than words (as with the man who shows his love by doing things FOR you and WITH you), but sometimes wanting to fix that fence rather than talk IS a way of avoiding real intimate engagement.
I agree with many posters here that women SHOULD be able to HEAR the love in the actions, and not expect the kind of TALK that is more common to women. But men also DO need to understand that hearing the love IS important to many women. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:37:30 AM | Okay, I had been seeing this guy for a long time and we had great chemistry but for some reason he was always afraid to tell me how he felt about me. It's like I always had to guess and I hate that. I knew he cared by his actions but I'm the type who needs to hear it from a guy's own mouth. Just recently he stopped talking to me and I have no idea why, so I'm confused as all H*ll because everything was going cool but then the communication just stopped. I don't get it. Why do guys do stupid stuff like that?
OP -- I think the more appropriate question would be, why do WOMEN do stupid shit like hound and pester a man to validate them when it's pretty f*cking clear they don't play that game?
I'd be willing to bet good money that the reason he stopped talking to you is because he got sick of the "why don't you validate me???" garbage vibe that women seem to live off of like crack fiends.
Funny enough, I had this same chat very recently with someone...she wants the validation and the titles (like dating/bf/gf/etc) and is pissy because I don't play that. She winds herself up and gets herself in a foam over it. All because I won't SAY that we're dating or whatever, and won't give her some title like my "girlfriend" and don't tell her how I "feel" and kinda shrug when she tells me how SHE feels. She's a FWB in every sense of the word, and knew that going in...but is set and determined to "convince" me that she's worth more than that. It's big drama actually...
Told her what I'll tell you here...you ladies end up spending so much f*cking time worrying about what you DON'T get that you ignore and undervalue what you DO get...and sooner than later, even THAT will be gone because you were too busy lamenting about what you DIDN'T get and what you DID get didn't wanna stick around.
Get it? | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:47:49 AM |
Told her what I'll tell you here...you ladies end up spending so much f*cking time worrying about what you DON'T get that you ignore and undervalue what you DO get...and sooner than later, even THAT will be gone because you were too busy lamenting about what you DIDN'T get and what you DID get didn't wanna stick around.
Get it?
I, for one, take your point--and also wondered whether the reason for the withdrawal might have had something to do with this....
And yet, I wonder, if it isn't possible that the same dynamic might, at times, operate in the reverse.
After all, we ALL need what we need, and WILL seek to be with those who want (and are able) to provide it.
I GUESS that I wouldn't wish to be with someone for too terribly long who felt incapable of acknowledging our relationship....whether or not, for whatever reason (of COOL or whatever), he just didn't "play that." | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:59:16 AM |
After all, we ALL need what we need, and WILL seek to be with those who want (and are able) to provide it.
Yep...but this will occur when someone can prove to me that this validation schtick is a "need" and not what it is now...a "want". Soon as validation becomes a genuine "need" then we can talk 
I GUESS that I wouldn't wish to be with someone for too terribly long who felt incapable of acknowledging our relationship....whether or not, for whatever reason (of COOL or whatever), he just didn't "play that."
Hmm...so I suppose all women have glaucoma then and can't see that HE'S STILL THERE?! ZOMG! Yes...he KEEPS COMING BACK!
How much more acknowledgement does one really need?
Sad. Eesh.  | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 2:16:39 AM |
Hmm...so I suppose all women have glaucoma then and can't see that HE'S STILL THERE?! ZOMG! Yes...he KEEPS COMING BACK!
How much more acknowledgement does one really need?
Seriously, BDJ, men (and women, for that matter) can "come back" for ALL KINDS of reasons. We don't have to look very far into the chronicles of "dating" that make these forums to figure out how various those reasons can be. IF you are in a relationship that you feel is becoming serious for YOU, and devoting yourself/investing yourself emotionally in that, then it's not bizarre or wacky or EVEN constitutionally insecure to want to know that you are on the same page or at least CLOSE to it with the person you are spending time with. In my experience, most men are actually able to provide that--INFORMATION. If they aren't then that's at least POSSIBLY because they AREN'T on the same page (and don't really see themselves getting there). Sometimes that's fine--as others have said, people obviously move at different paces--but there are all kinds of people out there who are more than happy to spend lots of time hanging out with and screwing people that they absolutely know they will never become serious about. You act as if this isn't the case--SURELY you know that "coming back" doesn't NECESSARILY mean anything except "Hey, this is fun for me right now, until I find someone else to have fun with."
I'm not advocating haranguing some guy with "What are you feeling," talk. What I'm saying is that in MY experience men who feel seriously about you WILL tell you, and WON'T be all "hey I don't roll with the girlfriend talk," ubercool BS--really, these are adults we're talking about right? I personally think that if a man is serious about you he will probably WANT you to know, for example, that he would prefer you NOT date other people. We hear ALL THE TIME that you can't assume exclusivity UNLESS it's spoken--WELL, I just have to think that if a man doesn't feel capable of expressing that desire to me then he probably doesn't FEEL it. And if he DOES feel it but seriously can't bring himself to say it...then that's probably not the last communication problem that we're likely to have. NOT good.
Edit: I really believe that one of the most lovable things a person can do is make another person KNOW how much he (or she) wants and loves you. THIS is a compelling thing. Maintaining a cool ambivalence might suit a man in his feelings about himself, but I think it rarely contributes, in the long term, to a woman's lasting affection for HIM (despite the games we can all, admittedly, play in the context of superficial relationships). This is JUST my opinion, based on my experience. But then, we are all different.
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 2:32:57 AM | | It sounds like to me the poor guy just isn't ready for a relationship so does not feel anything for her, thinks that she will do for now and doesn't feel anything, or it is too soon after his last relationship and is all over the place mentally and needs to be alone for a while and disappears. I think all men say something at least if they really like someone even if it isn't once. This situation isn't so bad because at least he isn't just telling you what you want to hear so it could be worse. I think best thing would be to talk about it since all relationships are built on good communication not guessing games. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 5:46:43 AM | :I responded that I would have much rather gotten up and fixed her broken fence than have a talk about my "feelings"..:
This was an interesting read, bc my very best friend, married for 25 + years has described her husband to the JUST LIKE THIS.
She has been banging her head against the wall for years, because he does not "get " her and for years she tried expressing her feelings, desires and wants to him....about any and everything, all unheard.
Twenty some years later, he is making plans for them to do things, etc, thinking this is what she wants. She struggles, bc now, it sort of torks her off, bc he all but ignored her for years. She wants to accept these things as acts of kindness, but after years of his not giving a damn, it is sort of bittersweet. Mind you this is a woman, who has stayed by her man, when by all rights she had reason to leave.
If you'd rather fix the fence, why not bail early and save her years of emotional frustration. I mean if it needs fixing, then fix it, but do not ignore her needs because of your own self-centeredness.
If a man wants his woman to feel loved.....I said FEEL loved; he has to give a damn about her feelings. Contrary to popular belief, they are not conjured up for your sympathy. We do not invent them. God made us women, and we have feelings.
Some men(and women) are too self-centered to do that, and that should be a red flag, right from the start.
YES I LEARNED THIS FROM EXPERIENCE. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:18:13 AM |
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings? They're no more afraid to express their feelings as some women are; they just don't always express them in ways that women expect them to. Sometimes...you just have to LISTEN differently. | |
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| Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:53:48 AM | | Darling, it isn't HIM; it's YOU! When the students fail the test, it was the teacher who failed to teach them what they needed to know. Listen, though: IF you catch this now, I'm doing an online talk radio show at 10AM EST called The Coloring Book for Thinking by Numbers at blogtalkradio.com IF you miss today's show, you can download it and others. Everything WASN'T going cool. If a team is ahead in the third quarter all season, but winds up losing every game in the end, something was wrong all along. A(squared) + bx -c = 0. If you can't do the math, you can't solve the problem. The greatest ballplayers and musicians keep learning from each other, but WE THINK, hmm, he's nice, let's go with the flow baby, then wonder why it collapses. The greatest rehearse and practice and teach each other HOW TO PLAY EVERY DAY! YOU dropped the ball, but you can STILL pick it up again. THIS is HOW. Guess what: it carries over to the CHEMISTRY, as well. You think you know what you're doing? You know NOTHING. If you're not doing things EVERY DAY that you never even IMAGINED before, w ...h...y b...o...t...h...e...r??? That's right, Sugar. Listen to The Moonlight Sonata. Every phrase is the same, but JUST a little different. Great ballplayers and myusicians do amazing things because they have the BASIC SKILLS DOWN TO A SCIENCE, AND PRACTICE THEM EVERY DAY. | |
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