| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:17:26 PM | I was "convinced" to meet a man before I really felt comfortable doing so ... but ... it was "after church" and at a restaurant where there were a lot of people ... and I kept thinking how we women are being accused of being too cautions, paranoid, etc., etc. ... and it WAS "after church" ...
omg ... last time I do THAT ...
the man was so FAR BEYOND terrifying that I felt like racing home, setting the security alarms and never leaving again ...
it takes a lot of courage to attempt internet dating ... | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:20:19 PM |
Women here are constantly being told that we are too judgemental and picky.
I said for once I gave someone the "benefit of the doubt".
Yep, that's the judgmental world of Internet dating. If a woman is not sure of someone but wants to give him a chance, and it turns out badly for her, she's stupid and easy. If she rejects him based on her intuition, which has served her well before, and clues she picks up from his behavior early on, she's paranoid and picky.
You did the best you could. You don't deserve any criticism. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:49:41 PM | some people are writers, some are talkers and even with the ones who are both--well, i've learned the hard way that you still never know. however you start off, you must each take your time to ferret out the other person's intentions.
i used to think i "knew". today i know that i don't know "squat". however, for those who i've spent time on and vice versa, i've made some good friends here. for dating, i prefer other ways, where i can assure myself they are not lying or "whatever". if a friend turns into a date one day, well that would be nice.
i learn quickly. one mistake and i learn not to make it again. problem is that i may make a new mistake that i have not learned. this is all about the process. so, all that being said, if someone is not a writer and he appears interesting and if i have his number and he answers my "blocked" number, then why not? my private email is another matter. i don't like my computer invaded by hackers or someone who passes on my email to multi-level marketers, etc.
i guess, the only problem is that if they are not writers, i would not be sure what to say as we'v not covered any common ground, short of reading each other's profiles and possibly "posts"-- and of course, the latter is quite rare. in fact, i have someone like that right now. when i have some time, i'll figure out what to say. however, it's not going to be in the next few days. posting is auto-pilot for me. talking to strangers takes more "thought". however, i'm willing, if that's what it takes to expand my network. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:07:44 PM | I don't think it's a male or female thing. Some folks are just idiots.
One guy who contacted me was not one to dally. He wanted to meet right away. So I suggested we meet at the mall where we could stroll about or sit while being surrounded by people (so I would feel safe). "I CAN'T AFFORD THE MALL!" "And I can't afford to waste my precious time to meet an assumptive, cranky ol' a**hole." Problem solved. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:44:53 PM | | I do think people should meet as soon as possible. I have gone through long phone calls when people sounded great but acted totally different at the first meeting. I have concluded a long period of emailing and phone calls is a waste of time. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:57:05 PM | Well, sometimes I've had people message me and I've
known right away I would like to meet them...so I have
no problem doing so...exchanging phone numbers and
meeting in a public place.
Most times though I check out the profile and unless
something really jumps out at me...I like to email a bit
before using the phone.
I don't think anyone puts off someone they REALLY
like at first glance...if you're truly offended that someone
asked for your phone number, chances are you really
weren't impressed in the first place.
But that's just my opinion...that's how it works for me.
I'm also anti saying "I'm taking things " I'm not in a hurry"
"I'm not going to settle". I don't think anyone says that to
anyone they really like...but again...that's just me.
Everyone has to be at their own comfort level.
Which of course is not the same for everyone out there.
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 2:31:00 PM | | I agree, Sassy -- meet as soon as possible as long (as long as one feels safe and the ol' radar isn't pinging). In retrospect I do believe I was overly cautious and put the first few guys who contacted me off for too long. Luckily, none of them was "the one." Hee! | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 3:59:53 PM | | Let's see, you have an odd experience with one guy and turn it into a "Why do ALL MEN" question. Here let me see if I can turn that around. Why do ALL WOMAN take something one man does and put it on all of us? | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 4:19:50 PM | I put my horsee in me drawers before the cart every time, but the cart runs away from me, like picnic tables  | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/19/2009 5:04:24 PM | --ok, Slumpy, I'm completely confused about what you did
to the poor horse............that's ok, though, don't tell me...I
think I'll feel better about it.
--as for the other stuff, I really like words. I like a fella to be
able to "talk" a bit, preferably with a few good emails and then
some phone conversations....its the only way I can get a sense
if we even should try to meet up. Almost always, then, when
we meet...we've gone on to be friends at the very least. Works
for me and I just don't like to be pushed. Nope. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:42:34 AM | | i do think its hard to carry on a conversation by email on pof--i usually give them my yahoo messenger user name and talk on there in real time--ur still untraceable that way and can still delete him immediately if u want to | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:18:12 AM | How do you know he is a control freak, has low standards, and how the hell do you know (as one poster stated) the man has been married for 20 years??????? Wow, you people sure know alot about "him" just from asking for a personal email address in his initial email.
Some gentlemen prefer to get to know others from other means. Now all of a sudden the guy is being stoned to death from all you glass house owners.
Maybe you felt uncmfortable, and rightly so, but geez some of these comments are ridiculous.
Yes, I have received the sam OP, and I politely also tell them I prefer this email system until I get to know them. Yes, some have reacted the same s o block and move on, thinking nothing more, or less, of the situation. ........ | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:51:33 AM | .
he did not even get your real name and he expected msn or phone would mean mass email hun(he must think he is very special..pukes in back of throat)..he did not attempt personal contact, he just contacts many hoping for someone sleepin at the switch....no worries lil fish....you will find lots of that here.
try switching your name and you get repeat clowns. (is funny when they do not remember the profile)... roar!
 took a while to notice...but that is unmistakable on the internet. nothing like genuine contact which relates to the profile you wrote(sorry boys but it's true)...seems personalizing a email requires effort ... people who don't bother to talk to you and at you are common on the internet hun.
no worries...almost like pickin mushrooms. lots have bugs, toss over shoulder keep
walkin lil fish you know the rubbery ones bounce in and bounce back out.  now worries takes all kinds. sets rainbow in mushroom patch...pick the onesYOU want, toss the rest.
 no worries. life is short, times are hard, here is your fishy datin card. hands over oval stick............. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:07:01 AM | A man contacted me requesting to e-mail. He provided his home phone, personal e-mail address etc, on first contact. I told him I preferred to e-mail here before giving out any personal info or talking on the phone. He immediately accused me "and lots of women" on this site as "being strange." He also accused me as 'one of those women who never meets any men'
You meet all kinds, especially online. I would be very skeptical of a man who expected to 'get personal' immediately. I think that decent, intelligent, 'normal' men realize, not only that a woman needs and wants to be a litte careful, they themselves are not ready to jump into things blindly. This guy is obtuse at best. Funny thing about people like this: when you don't do AS THEY SAY, they start accusing you of being messed up when it is really they who are.
Why are so many men in their late 40's and 50's so clueless??? I don't think this has to do with age or gender. Has to do with the individual. So, as other have said, best not to generalize about men, or men of a certain age. Most of the men I meet online are very nice and pleasant. I ignore the rare guy who is obnoxious. Had one this morning: he wrote a hello kind of thing to which I didn't immediately reply. A few minutes later he sent another mail telling me to put my "cam" (something which I don't even have) on. I just blocked him.  | |
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| Putting the Cart before the filly
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:33:35 AM | Not sure what all the fuss is about. At a guess about 30% of the women who make first contact with me have included either their, full name and their phone number or their email address which often includes their full name.
I always reply and if I am interested I tell them I would like to email a little here first. If that goes well for 2 or 3 emails then I suggest we move it to private email. After a couple of those and the interest is still building from both sides, we go to a phone call and meet. The whole process to the meeting takes about 4 or 5 days.
I had never thought about it being cart-before... | |
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| Putting the Cart before the filly
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:21:49 PM |
Not sure what all the fuss is about. At a guess about 30% of the women who make first contact with me have included either their, full name and their phone number or their email address which often includes their full name.
I always reply and if I am interested I tell them I would like to email a little here first. If that goes well for 2 or 3 emails then I suggest we move it to private email. After a couple of those and the interest is still building from both sides, we go to a phone call and meet. The whole process to the meeting takes about 4 or 5 days.
I had never thought about it being cart-before...
Neither did I.
Pay attention here , ladies. Some people are actually to meet someone face to face.
(by here, I mean POF dating site) | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:32:01 PM | I think perhaps men are not as careful dispensing personal ID because, historically, and realistically, they are less at risk for doing so. Women have been, historically, and realistically, preyed on because of their smaller size, weaker muscle system, and lack of aggressive hormones. . . . But it's sure a dumb dude who can't see *why* a woman feels a little unsafe throwing around her personal info right off the bat. I think a man is fairly obtuse if he doesn't realize a women needs to be somewhat circumspect when it comes to giving out her name and number to a stranger she has just met online. An e-mail address (a dummy one at that) is all anyone is getting from me at first, and then if after a week or so, if I feel comfortable, a mobile phone number. And then the meet is in a very public place.
There are many of us [men] that do not hand out our personal information easily, and will wait until invited to do that equally before we even try. I would think any sensible person would be at least a bit cautious about giving out personal information to people on line.
it also becomes very apparent that there are far to many that feel more comfortable hiding behind the computer. Deacon, there are men who just want to email endlessly too. There are just folks for whom this is a game and their relationships are pretend cyber relationships. IMO these folks are acting a bit nuts and don't really fit into this equation. A different species all together. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/24/2009 2:17:27 PM | | Good move that you blocked him. If he won't be patient enough to get to know you. Then that proves he's only out for easy sex, and he should go screw himself. lol | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/24/2009 2:22:45 PM | "Good move that you blocked him. If he won't be patient enough to get to know you. Then that proves he's only out for easy sex, and he should go screw himself. lol"
As apposed to "hard" sex? That proveshe is out for sex just because he disclosed his personal email address and phone number in his first few emails??
Assumptions certainly run rampant in these threads...... | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/28/2009 9:12:45 AM | When I first contact a woman on here, it is simply a "hi" kind of message. If we exchange a few emails here THEN I ASK her if she would prefer emailing directly. If she responds in the affirmative, then I give her my direct email address.
I will do anything I possibly can to let her know that I am not a perv or anything like that. I am always open to whatever she wants to do as far as communication. I know that guys are "supposed" to pick the location and activity for dates, but a "first date" on here is really not a date, but a "meet and greet". If there is a POF event in the near future I'll suggest we meet there. If not, then I will let her pick the place for the "meet and greet". I am sensitive to the safety concerns that women have with first meetings; I even offered to meet one in the Sheriff's office parking lot before going somewhere where we could talk over something to drink. She didn't take me up on that, but we did meet at a restaurant.
I know I'll probably get "flamed" (gee isn't THAT an old term!) by some of the guys here saying I'm just being a "wuss", but I really don't care what they think. If a woman's profile strikes my eye and I want to get to know her, her peace of mind at the first meeting is my priority.
Speaking of profiles and meeting new people, what in the world is "Other Relationship"? I think that most everyone on POF is hoping to ultimately find a LTR , but since one is still in the active "looking" phase is it more appropriate to use the category "dating" as opposed to "Long Term"? Am I just making this too complicated?
Sorry for drifting off topic a little, but wanted to get the last part out there while I'm thinking about it. | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:18:23 AM | ...
many men and many women are not well versed on how to relate some valueable vital information which increase success to relationship....with much less prolonged confusion as may be evidenced in the responsibility styles of persons trying to relate back to your personal information.
what that means is ... the person that wanted to offer over information to you as gesture in purpose were less comfortable relating in this manner of environment...
less comfortable by singular or several reasons as was perceived by him.
now...he would must trust his intuition also that led him to trust it initially that he would convey more intimate facility for realizing values and purpose(s) to you.
you did not trust him when he showed trust. and now he will not trust you that you broke that trust by your new response to his intuition...by responding publicly here what you could have related to him intimately if by mail.
which means two things essentially....that purposes in relationship were not identical (and as yet unidentified....even though there is presumption by site and brief and scant real domestic relationship in profile(s)). and where there were commonality...will not be realized because the first impediment in human relationship has not been transcended....which were absence of knowledge of your self ....(each of your self(s)).
continue at will......
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:39:41 PM | I know I will be bashed heavily for responding like this
Men who do message lots of women, "are hoping you will respond with your details straight back", therefore, they have a lot of information about you without ever meeting you. You do not know for sure that the information they have given you is theirs or even real.
But the strangest thing just like the OP says, why do the men get so shamefully agressive, nasty and insulting when you ask to e-mail for a bit first before giving out your details.
Anyman who scares women - mmmmmmm think it is the block and delete button | |
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| Putting the Cart before the horse
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:50:02 PM | | he actually does have a clue. many, too many people play the extended email game with no intention of meeting. hes experienced it numerous times so hes hypersensitive. any time you set a boundary with this type of guy, you get stereotyped. btw... bullying is not strictly men in the 40s or 50s. i recently had a 34 y/o guy demand that i call him. he said, "you have my number, use it!" yeah...ill be right on it... | |
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