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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:17:15 PM | Dear A.L. Thank you for your kind and wise words here. I feel like the tears are about to flow. I didn't realize that I was allowing this to occur. I know what you say is correct. Now I have to put that into practice. The tears that are flowing aren't because I might think I will lose whatever we have....They are tears of release that I am alright the way I am. And that just because his taste is this way....and he tries to make it that there is something wrong with me, therefore, no intimacy with him...untill I change? I am still a free spirit, and am free to love anyone. He has told me he is free as well, even tho he choses to see me more frequently. He tells me that is why he comes back all the time he tells me he see's other women...but not for sex...he is so he says "waiting for me".....cause the ONLY THING I NEED TO DO IS LOSE WEIGHT, AND I GET HIM.....AND HE WOULD LOVE TO MAKE LOVE TO ME. only then will I get the ..what is it...the "prize"?
It was not easy for me to bring this up to strangers. However all of you have made me feel as though you are not strangers, but very caring people. Again, Thank you.
And especially for everyone...thank you for being real and helpful...
by the way I just put up a picture of me a couple of months ago...or maybe a month...this is the highest I have ever been in weight.it just kills me to put that picture up...is that necessary for now...or what...? And I can lose it. But when I am happier, it goes off of me faster...ya know? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 3:28:52 AM | ***** LSH  *****
I see you as a beautiful woman who should be respected and cherished. I think almost everyone on this forum sees you the same way. However, I don't think you see this in yourself. Before you start a relationship, you might want to consider getting over some insecurities, self-esteem issues and the like. His behavior is deplorable, but he doesn't need to change - you do. And when you do, you'll see that it doesn't occur to you to spend time or energy on people who don't uplift and support everything you are and want to be. Explore who you are, and find out what wonderful things you deserve.
Laughsohard, I just wanted to stop and complement you on a very astute and sincere post ! Very well said, in a few number of words. Hugmekissmeloveme, I think Laughsohard has sumed up the situation perfectly. Frankly, I don't think the man deserves your companionship or company. Best wishes for you in the future, there is a 'right' man out there for you, you can be certain of that. ~  | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:15:41 AM | When someone really loves you for YOU, it is unconditional without strings and demands.
Real love is a giver, not a taker..
His behavior is all about power and contro,l not love. If you were to lose weight for him, then the demands would change to something else.. His demands are all about HIM not about you. They are totally self motivated.
I highly recommend 2 books: "Controlling People" and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. "Controlling People" is not about YOU controlling people but how to respond to and recognize people who try to control you in subtle as well as overt ways.
Every woman should read these books. They changed my life.
All the best!
Boomer | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:14:32 AM | His behavior is all about power and control, not love. If you were to lose weight for him, then the demands would change to something else.. His demands are all about HIM not about you. They are totally self motivated.
Boomer! She's right. I once dated a guy who found me "beautiful" but wanted me to lose weight, and although he deemed me to have "good style", wanted to pick out my clothes as I was expected to look "perfect"  when we went out...and the clincher...wanted to get rid of my pet bird. 
This relationship was entirely about him as he really needed a green card and I happened to fit the basics (reasonably attractive and no kids) of his needs. Needless to say, I showed him the curb and kept the bird who has given me happiness for almost 13 years. I recently inherited a 2nd one who adores me too! After all, I may be blonde, but I'm not stupid! Find someone who makes you happy OP, if not be happy on your own. Good luck! | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:27:58 AM | Good morning Hugme:
Its seems like many have posted here, and you have gotten some really good advice.
I have a few things to say, that may get some people disgruntled, and in saying this I mean no disrespect.
The only people who we love, and love us back unconditionally, are our children. There are no conditions set, until they are of age, when they can handle themselves responsibly and understand accountability, and consequences. At that point in time, a love evolves with their is mutual respect and the understand that agreeing to disagree, takes place.
The notion, that we find a partner that loves us unconditionally is unhealthy. We want our partners to have parameters and boundaries, it is what makes us adults and who we are, and with good thought hopefully we find people with the same fundamental core beliefs.
In saying that, this man does not meet your needs, which your feelings are telling you. He makes you feel bad about yourself. This to me, is a nobrainer. Men and women, owe themselves the right to spend time with those in our precious lives who we enjoy for all the right reasons. This man makes you feel just plain bad about yourself.
I do however, want to comment on this:
Thank you for your input. And being so kind. Man, I had a hard time with this. I am too soft and too kind for my own good. And even with his humble appologies, it did hurt when he tells me this. And he wonders..."Why do women feel hurt when a man says that?" He says that. "its for your health" he says .
This sounds like a man, who actually cares about you and your health. He actually cares enough to call you on it. I do not consider this man shallow, at all, but he may have had difficulty in expressing himself. He though, is staying with you for his perceived potential of you. He reasons that you are perfect for him, minus your weight. I am sure, what he wants if for you to take care of yourself. And I think it is that simple. This, however does not meet your needs of being accepted for who you are now. Therefore, this relationship should not exist.
There is a wonderful quite self confidence that makes humans quite stunning, when they take care of themselves, and I wish this for you. You are quite a beautiful caring person it appears, how wonderful it would be for you to care for yourself in that manner.
We all get to choose how we run our life, and who we put in it everyday. Many of us, forget that.
T. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:31:26 AM | OP, it sounds like this guy has issues. You mentioned he sees you "when he can." It sounds like maybe he sees other women "when he can" as well. Frankly, he's using you.
The nagging question in my mind is at what point in your relationship did he break the news to you that you're too big to marry or make love to? Certainly you deserve better than this. Not everyone is for everybody, so he should have the testicular fortitude to move on. I infer from your posts that he gets some goodies from you and he likes things just like they are. You seem an attractive and intelligent woman, so why do you put up with his abuse?
"Self-esteem" is a term that is overused and thrown around way too much. However, yours needs some adjustment. We should all strive to have an accurate self-image. I think your self-image is far from accurate. I'm sure you can do better than this guy.
As long as you're healthy and happy with your weight, revel in it. If you're not happy with your weight, do what you can about it. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:55:45 PM | Lets say you lose the weight and marry him. Then what? Then he will find something else wrong and make you change once again. Also, for the rest of your life you will be terrified of putting the weight back on. Do you really want a man staring at you every time you eat a meal, commenting on how much you are eating?
I cannot imagine anyone enjoying a life with so much stress.
He sounds like he has a low libido. He would be all over you NOW if he didn't. You are very pretty.
Any woman can be sexy, regardless of weight (within reason). | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 4:27:02 PM | Good Morning everyone,
Wow I have alot to think over. I thank you all for your caring input and insight. It is always easier for people on the outside to see what is going on in someone elses life...it is from a clear perspective and without predjudice.
Tis true, what if I did get the extra weight off...and then one day...couldn't keep up with excersises and just gained this back. Would he leave me for that?
I am not so bad where I am...but if that bothers him, he would definately be on me for every morsel I eat. And if I mention a meal to him...he always says he is not hungry...which makes me feel wierd...cause many hours go by for normal people to have something to eat. And it is better for me to have small meals during the day to keep my metabolism up...Right now my metabolism is very slow..slow thyroid. so it is a struggle.
Again thank you others for your input. I have seen him online for days, and he hasn't contacted me. And then he would contact me. Now it has been a week or so...and I see he is online on and off...so who's he talking to...it isn't me.
I am not his official girlfriend in that sense that we are a couple...but how could I feel like I was cheating if I dated someone else...he doesn't care. He said that. He said we are both free to have friends... so why is this hurt he put on me about my weight such an issue? I think it is because I think other men will think the same...and some do request a very petite woman.
I am so worth more.
Bless you all for your input. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 4:38:11 PM | | OK - so see other men. I don't see why you stick around this person who makes you feel bad about yourself. Some men do like thin women, some like heavy women. I've been out with women that were barely 100 lbs and women that were pushing 300lbs. Not every man will find you attractive - same for EVERY woman on this thread. Some men will. And to one of them, you will be worth the world. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:15:59 PM | ' HUG ME' ,etc: Hi, I'm a lady, 53 years old and all these years has given me a bit of experience in this department. I may be expecting too much, but relationships that begin with him asking you to lose weight (or for that matter, telling you to change in any regard) tells me that he does not care for you unconditionally and hence, you will never be able to keep this guy happy. He will always ask , or in time DEMAND, that you change this or that. Is that what you want? The idea here is to find a match, someone who cares for you the way you are. I would drop a guy quicker than a hot coal who says "lose weight and I'll marry you". Do you see how desperate that makes you if you actually buy into his demand? I see trouble with this relationship.
Good luck, I just don't think he is "THE ONE". | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:31:21 PM | The fact that he sees him having sex with you as a 'reward' makes it a control issue.
Sex should not be doled out or held back as reward or punishment. How often do we hear men complain about women doing that? Not cool at all.
And if he does this when you're not even a couple, then just imagine how much control he would insist on further down the road, if you decided to change for him and not for yourself? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/9/2009 10:34:08 PM | | He has stated that he does not wish to become intimate with you because he doesn't like your body type/weight. There is certainly nothing wrong with that, as everyone is entitled to his/her preferences. What I find to be unacceptable is his trying to change you. He has no right to try to make you be anything other than what you are....especially when his efforts to mold you are causing you pain. Never mind trying to improve yourself to suit him; YOU can do better than to be with a person who is clearly a control freak, as demonstrated by his efforts (subtle as they may seem) to manipulate the behavior of one who owes him nothing. Imagine how much worse he could become should you live with him or marry him. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/10/2009 12:33:40 AM | The most important lesson I learned in graduate school is that you can't put conditions on a relationship, particular the other party. For instance, If a girl says "I love Fred but...", the "but" in the sentence indicates she doesn't love Fred, but loves some alternative version of Fred (perhaps a taller, younger, smarter, or skinnier version) that doesn't exist. She doesn't really love Fred.
If this guy puts these conditions on having sex, what other conditions will he place on other aspects of your future relationship? If you make changes for him, will you later resent it? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/10/2009 12:45:10 AM | He is online as we speak...and has not contacted me...so he must be talking with one of the women on his favourites list. Of course now this makes me feel sad, but more then that ...I feel angry at me for having these feelings. I put too much into my feelings for him, because I found him charming and affectionate and all that at first.
I let my guard down. I felt stronger before this. I need to gain my emotional stregnth back..and realize I am wonderful and beautiful the way I am!! I am beautiful in EVERY WAY, AS THE SONG GOES. And until I let this cat out of the bag...had a feeling that I am and always will be the best that I can be. A loving and sensual and sensitive and giving woman. I just have to concintrate on this again. Last words out of the door when he left last time...was..."lose weight then I will marry you".This was after a long and sweet hug . .......... gee's
Thank you ladies for your replys | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/10/2009 5:43:45 AM | Marrying him sounds like a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Hey, I'm not perfect, but if someone doesn't work for me, I tell them as soon as I know... hopefully before I've slept with them (and therein lies the problem with sleeping with someone too soon of course). In some cases, the incompatibility can only be uncovered through time together. In others - as in the case with a physical incompatibility - the incompatibility is more obvious and usually isn't an issue - that is, people who are not physically attracted to each other people don't usually end up together - they certainly don't get married very often (what happens to them physically later is anyone's guess of course).
This guy is no prize. Marry him? For what? Seriously... why would you want to marry this guy? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:31:37 AM | "so why is this hurt he put on me about my weight such an issue? "
Because rejection sucks and hurts. Because we get pissed at ourselves that we didn't see it coming and either avoid it or reject first so that we weren't the one being rejected. Because we feel betrayed when we are up-front about our size in our profiles and the deal is that if I am upfront about who I am you aren't supposed to reel me in and then reject me for who I already said I was.
Ok... he hurt you ... lick your wounds ... confort yourself.... and don't go back for more.
dump his sorry tush. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:15:40 AM | What a jacka** it's just the beginning of his controlling nature..You lose the weight soon after it will be something else..I looked at your profile and saw no curves as there were only head shots but I can imagine..You looked at my profile and ran... I don't blame you..I make Mr. French look like Minnie Mouse. Take care of yourself that fella is not for you he's nice now bbut he will turn out abusive later...I have 3 Sisters I know what I'm talking about..Your better off alone. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:13:25 PM | As a lady of plus size, I have found myself in a few similar situations in the past. "Oh my, you have such a pretty face and personality, but I dont think we are physically a good fit."
The guy is obviously losing his eye sight because you are beautiful whether you weight 110 pounds or 210 pounds. There is someone out there that is going to want the entire package! Dont ever change to be with someone. You are cheating yourself out of happiness and worrying about something so trivial like a few extra pounds is only going to make you resent the person should things get serious. If he wants a trophy wife, there are plenty of sites where he can find one.
Pop your collar, stop sucking in your gut and get out there and find someone that will love your "extra cushion" just the way it is! | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:54:12 PM | Well, mr. particular came over last evening. And we had a nice visit. He grabbed me to give me a nice long hello hug. Which kind of suprised me..as I usually was the hugger...this time I was the huggeeee..and of course gave him a nice one back.
He had not seen me in over a week. And I had already had gotten so much advise from you all who have been so kind to let me see the very rediculous thing I was allowing myself to go through.
What was different....was...he didn't really say anything to me about my weight like he did before. Not sure why. But he was so happy to see me. He was so happy to be with me. Well, we watched a movie...and it was late, so I let him sleep on the couch for the night. We enjoyed alot of chatting and some laughter. And he was very attentive. Now..remember we are not a "couple" I guess we are friends....so no problem. I have a date on Friday and I told him so when he intimated he wanted to visit me on Friday evening. I said...well, I have a date for dinner....He almost didn't bat an eye...but I think inside him, he may have wondered about it. Cause I never said to him..whether or not I had a date on any particular day before...Now I told him. He said...ok...well then...call me and let me know when we can visit again. And I said..."ok" no problem, I can do that. However, now I will be telling him when I have a date....and not hiding that fromhim..cause I thought it would hurt his feelings. But it didn't. So I have changed my behaviour..I changed..and I am not at all seeming so enthralled with him. I backed off some....and just let him enjoy and me enjoy what ever friendship we had. But told him...."ya know...I know this may not last...but that's ok....if you go with someone else...you tell me that you have a special girlfriend,,,if you do....and I will tell you about if I should date someone.
After that...he came to me several times and did hug me...and say that he cares so much for me, and that I am so unusual of a woman, that it keeps him coming back...and did not mention my weight. He did say one more time...that he was looking forward to if I lost weight he'd like to try to make love to me. However that is when I said....well, maybe you aren't big enough to stay inside....and so maybe it will be you that cannot make love to me. .....he paused and thought for a moment...
So I feel better now, that I haven't put all my eggs in that basket...thanks to all of you here on the forum.
I even said..."ya know...you may ot be big enough for me to make love with you....you might be a wee to small....and I smiled...as I looked at his package. Which is nice actually. But this time I didn't even bring up that I am worthy...I made it like....maybe he was not going to be UP to it. One of you said that to me here in the forum.....to say that to his jewels....And I did.
Gee;s I have so many of you to thank. I was really feeling like I had nothing to offer a man .....yet I do and am so full of many things to offer a man. (Gosh even he kept saying that on and off all during our visit, when he would hold me in an embrace. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/13/2009 5:01:39 PM |
...and did not mention my weight. He did say one more time...that he was looking forward to if I lost weight he'd like to try to make love to me.
um, it sounds to me that he DID mention weight again.
maybe I'm dense, but my experience is that either we are attracted or we're NOT attracted to others, regardless of weight. yes, the issue of weight is a preference, and a reasonable one at that. yes, the old cliché that "it's what's inside" that makes a person beautiful/attractive, but we are all visual animals, each and every one of us.
imo, your friend displays a sense of cruelty that is ugly and unfair to you. if he's so turned off by your body, then he is wasting yours and his time, but then again, maybe that's how he plays the game.  | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 8/13/2009 7:24:55 PM | Thank you....again, as I read this...I can see more clearly. Isn't amazing that one cannot see what is in front of them?
I so appreciate your input, thank you so very much. I realize this takes me a little long to see the whole picture. However, I am open to learning and cannot thank you enough for bringing this to my attention. Even tho I let that one remark slip by ....You are not dense dear cyber sister. It just takes me a wee longer to get a picture in High Definition. ..(smile)
Hugs, and thank you! | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 9/10/2009 5:32:54 PM | | I've always liked my women to have a little extra weight on them. Too skinny is just not sexy to me. I love the beautiful flow of a woman with curves. Plus I'm a face person. A pretty face will get my attention first then I look at the rest. In my opinion,if he won't make love to you til you lose weight, time to find someone who will. | |
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