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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:34:43 PM | This is an interesting post because it shows a number of different issues here. First is this guy allowed to have a preference and voice it? Are there any double standards here?
We are all allowed to have preferences when dating. Many of these preferences have to do with outward appearance. Now I am not here to defend this guy, but he has every right to have a preference. This has nothing to do with maturity as one person stated, but is just a preference. Not sure where preferences and attraction come from. Most of it is learned and from the media. A small portion of preference may also be based on science and survival of the fittest. The point here is that he has every right to have a preference.
Is there a double standard? I see on here and other dating sites all the time that women prefer dating taller men as a preference and women see no problem with this. But as soon as a man mentions his preference in regards to weight the fangs come out and women attack him. Why the double standard? Why can a woman have a preference and voice it, but a guy can’t?
Another thing that I see a lot on these forums are women saying, “Why do guys have such an issue with weight? Why won’t he look past the weight? Why won’t he judge me by who I am on the inside?” Women are quick to support another woman in this position and immediately attack the guy. But if a shorter than average male asks the same questions, “Why do women have such an issue with height? Why won’t she look past my height? Why wont she judge me by who I am on the inside?” he is attacked. Women quickly call him a whiner and tell him to get over it. Why is a man a whiner, but a woman who complains about men and weight isn’t? Why aren’t women told to get over it and just lose some weight? Why the difference in reactions?
I have had many similar situations as this women. This man has basically said, “You are perfect and what I am looking for in every way, but one.” As a shorter than average male I hear this all too often. Women will say to me, “You are exactly what I am looking for, but I want someone taller. You are a great guy, but I want someone at least 4 inches taller than me. Grow a few inches and I’ll date you. I love your personality and hanging out, but…” I have heard many statements like this and would probably be rich if I had a dollar for every time I heard it. I am sure one of the very same women who have been supportive if the original poster will call me a whiner for this or tell me to get over it.
I don’t want this to be a post about weight or height. But, is their a double standard? Why can women have a preference and voice it, but men can’t? Why if a woman says that she wants a guy who is tall, dark and handsome it is called a preference or attraction , but if a guy says he wants a woman who is skinny, blond and large breasted he is called a superficial, immature pig? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:02:51 PM | Becuase they want to have their cake and eat it
Women want to be equal with men but they are still running on the program of
What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails
And puppy-dog tails,
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice,
That's what little girls are made of
They believe and proclaim they are a Princess, Queen and Goddess
but we are not ever allowed to believe or proclaim that we are a Prince, King or God  | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:07:48 PM | Two words for you beautiful: control freak. In my opinion,
I disagree. Why does he have to be labeled a control freak or any other label just because he does not find a heavy set woman physically appealing ? The guy obviously has some physical preferences in the opposite sex and that all there is to it. No control issues or shallow issues.... he likes what he likes......and he was honest about it too.... I will admit that he could have been a lil more tactful about it.
With all due respect to the OP ....... she claims deep down inside she feels beautiful, desireable and sexy and she or anyone for that fact should feel good about themself, yet what I find odd is all her pics are from the neck up. Her words do not reflect her actions. Obviously she is not very confident about what is below her neck and clearly this man did not feel too good about it either.....so of course he is just no goddamn good.
I think ChuckyB hit the nail on the head with the double standard thing ( Kudos to Chucky)..... seems to be ok for women to have physical preferences but when a man does...... he is shallow, control freak, has issues, a small penis, etc. etc. etc. Blah, blah, blah.....
Bottom line: The guy could not get past ( no pun intended) the OP`s generous belly. Clearly the OP has/had some difficulty with the rejection and pointed fingers and over analyzed the whole situation. It is obvious the two of you were not a match period. He moves on, you move on. Next !
Rejection is not the greatest of feelings for anyone but if one understands that rejection is simply a matter of understanding that some people will find you incredibly attractive and some will find you nauseating and some will find you somewhere in between. It is not a question of rejection but a matter of exercising our god given right to choose a mate they we ( men & women) find appealing on ALL levels.....without having to defend ourselves for possessing these god given preferences or be accused of being shallow, superficial, control freak or whatever you wish to blame it on.....
Peace | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:54:20 PM |
I disagree. Why does he have to be labeled a control freak or any other label just because he does not find a heavy set woman physically appealing ? Dave, in my opinion, that's no way to start a "love" relationship. He had a lot of nerve to try to change her. She is fine just as she is, and there is a man who would adore her thick or thin--that's a fact--and she need not settle for a man who would prefer someone else, physically. She's bound for much suffering if she volunteers to subject herself to his visual tyranny, in my opinion. If I had a daughter, I would not encourage her to date someone who could say such a thing to her. Would you? The OP is a beautiful woman who could do much better than his "conditional" acceptance. She's not looking for a boss, she's looking for a life partner. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:00:32 PM | | Dave and Chucky, while I agree with you wholeheartedly that people are entitled to their preferences, this doesn't really seem to fit that criteria in this case. Why would a man get involved with a BBW and say he would marry her if she'd only lose weight? If his issue was preference, why get involved in the first place? Seems to me there is more to the stor y than just a man's preference for a thinner woman. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:07:28 PM | Why would a man get involved with a BBW and say he would marry her if she'd only lose weight?
That is an excellent question Barbe and one I do not have an answer to. I would just have to assume that he did find much about her quite appealing except for her body type and attempted to get her to lose weight. True, he could have been much more tactful and supportive about it or done so in a positive way like suggest they start working out together or both start to modify lifestyles and eating habits..... and go the distance with her in her attempts to lose any unwanted weight.
He had a lot of nerve to try to change her. She is fine just as she is, and there is a man who would adore her thick or thin
Change her is one way of looking at it, helping her to improve herself is another way. Change is not always a bad thing. Change can actually be a good thing........ depends on the change/changes.......You are making change out to be all bad or negative......or worse...a tyranny. I will repeat myself... he could have been much more tactful, supportive and sensitive about the whole thing.
And I agree that there is a man/men out there that will adore her exactly as she is which is why I stated in my previous post these two are obviously not a match for each other and both should move on...... | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:16:36 PM |
If I had a daughter, I would not encourage her to date someone who could say such a thing to her. Would you?
So if you had a daughter and she told a guy who didn’t meet her height requirement, “You’re a great guy, but you need to be taller. I’d date you if you were taller. I can’t date you because I would feel like I was dating my little brother. I wouldn’t feel feminine if I dated you. I wouldn’t be able to wear heals. Oh, I only date real men who are taller.” What if you had a daughter and she said any one of these statements to a guy? What would you say to her?
Just as the OP was told that her weight is an issue, I have been told every one of these hurtful statements and most women don’t care. I have also seen many women on here support this behavior. This is why I say that we have a double standard here. Women are quick to attack this guy for voicing his opinion, but I don’t see women speaking out against another woman who does the same thing. Maybe men just need to stand up for themselves more.
Dave and Chucky, while I agree with you wholeheartedly that people are entitled to their preferences, this doesn't really seem to fit that criteria in this case. Why would a man get involved with a BBW and say he would marry her if she'd only lose weight? If his issue was preference, why get involved in the first place? Seems to me there is more to the stor y than just a man's preference for a thinner woman.
The only thing that I can think of is that he might have thought that it was something he could look past over time. I had an opposite, but similar situation happen a few years ago. I ended up dating someone that I didn’t find physically attractive at first. But, I loved this girls personality, I loved spending time with her, I loved everything about her and over time I ended up finding her physically attractive too. I dated this person because of what was on the inside. It appears that this guy also fell in love for who the OP is on the inside and her personality, but could not fall in love with the outside too. It sucks…We should be able to get beyond our physical preferences, but in many cases physical preference is more important than getting to know someone and loving someone unconditionally. All of us would probably find a near-perfect, unconditional love if we would open our hearts and minds up more. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:54:19 PM | | Hey Chucky. Ah, but the OP's situation was much more like. "Ok, let's date. I'm taking you to the doctor to have you to be stretched a bit, I need you to be taller. I only settle down with tall dudes, outside of this, you are perfect!!" In my opinion, such a statement would turn the poor man into a material (object like) pleasure for the woman with the audacity to make such a request. I'm not saying that such a relationship could not work, I just would not want that for my son either. I'd hope my son could find someone who did not have the need to make him over. Then again, I'm a firm believer that there is someone for everyone, even if timing, situations, life has made it impossible to be with that special someone. I'm a total romantic though, hence the name, Rococco! I'm so sorry you have had to suffer what ya did. Life can be harsh. Being a tall and voluptuous woman myself, I try to remember, its not about me, its about them, what they want, what they need, its not about me. That always has helped me soothe those bug like bites to my ego, its gotten easier with age. And maybe you are right. Maybe men do need to stand up and say, "hey, don't bash us!" I'd support that. I completely agree with your conclusion about unconditional love and what it takes to experience it. Nice reflection. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:44:54 PM | | By the way, for the record, I'm now pretty much a size 12 with an hour glass figure. I was once a size 16-18 when I modeled BBW clothing. My current measurements are 42C - 32Waist - and 44 bottom. I'm not petite, I'm also tall. As for guys who are into petite, short women, I know I'm not for them. Huggable, its always helpful to let men know you are not a waif/petite type upfront somehow in your profile. That's what I do and I end up attracting lots of men who love, love, love my body type--and that's a good way to care for your curvy goddess ego. Anyway, I wish you luck in your search dearie, you deserve the best. It sounds like you made a good choice to me. You really are quite pretty and I don't think you should ever settle. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:40:35 AM | "Change her is one way of looking at it, helping her to improve herself is another way. Change is not always a bad thing."
Oooooooooooooo.... I love it when controlaholics use euphamisms to justify their compulsion to control another human being.
Congrats to the OP for considering the source and making her own asessment of herself and realizing that she is lovable as she is.
Change is a good thing when I decide to change me
Change is a bad thing when someone else decides to change me under the euphamism of 'helping'
People who want to change others need to go 'help' themself. I am sure there is plenty that needs work if the 'helper' looks in the mirror instead of judging others as needing to be changed. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:28:59 AM | Change is a bad thing when someone else decides to change me under the euphamism of 'helping'
Would the same apply for someone trying to help an alcoholic change their drinking habits to becoming alcohol free ? or someone who uses drugs ? Or any other destructive habit ?
Does the same apply for any change as long as the change is for the positive ? Being overweight and losing weight is a positive thing. Even Roccoccomoccobocco lost considerable weight...true she did it on her terms but if a man who was interested in her helped her he is a controloholic exercising his compulsions ?
People who want to change others need to go 'help' themself.
Does the same apply to President Obama ? After all, he campaigned under: CHANGE, yes we can .......
Like I said, depends on the change..... change can be a good thing and not always does it apply to a control freak with a compulsion...... sometimes people need to be pushed a little to change for the better......
Some here are taking this to the extreme by using controloholics and compulsions to get their point across..... I am not and was not referring to the extremes...... | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:29:19 AM | Its up to the person with the problem to do the changing. Helpful things someone can do for an alcoholic is refrain from drinking around the alcoholic, go with them to meetings if they need support, and pay for treatment after the person asks for treatment. The most important thing a person can do is not enable an alcoholic to continue hurting themselves or others.
However, the "destructiveness" of someone's weight is set by mere cultural standards. Doctors, surgeons and pill companies jump on the band wagon of a culture's standard and begin to reinforce these ideas in the minds of the people by way of marketing. Numerous profit when they begin to sell the right snake oil "treatment" for obesity (Hey, gotta make a living, right?). Slimfast, Aquaban, cha-ching, cha-ching, hear the cash registers ring. Fashion designers begin to cater to the cultural standards of the perfect vision of weight and put pressure on starry eyed girls who opt to become bulimic lest live life perceived as "unhealthy" or "not beautiful." The entertainment supports the trend by confining their creativity within the box of uncommon yet preferred body shapes. The men who find themselves extremely aroused by the more voluptuous, full, soft, curvy and feminine women around them begin to worry about what the guys at the office might think about their "abnormal" taste. Yet, the fact remains that the fit and trim die young all of the time. For example, my 275 pound friend's fit and "healthy" trainer died unexpectedly of a heart attack, shocking his entire community who thought his trainer was in the best condition a person could be in. Oh yes, evidence to support the idea that thin does not automatically equal healthy exists. My feelings on the matter is that folks need to keep their narrow scopes of beauty and manufactured health statistics out of my face. :)
Yes, many view Obama as an overreaching control freak. You are a very smart man to have made that connection Dave. I did not lose weight for the sake of health. I let the weight fall off while starving as an artist, I did not resist because it meant being able to find clothing I liked. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:05:50 AM | I did not resist because it meant being able to find clothing I liked.
See............. change can be a good thing 
And not always a bad thing .......all depends on the ch ch ch change.......
I am so happy and heartened to see that all of you now see things MY way, LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJtgEfIla0A | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:09:41 PM | I can dig it rococcomocco but coaxing and being supportive is one thing and imposing is another......I never wrote or implied imposing was proper.
Its only good because I found clothing I liked.
Why are you minimizing good ? Good is good. The change was a good thing in your case. Irrelevant why it was good.....good is all good.... there was a positive ending.
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:30:03 PM | So...I posted this back in the beginning of August. And I took what I felt, based off of what Hugme wrote about whtat this man actually said about her weight. And, right now, I am a little pissy, because I feel this guy got a raw deal, as so many men and women do. We are all entitled to desire what we want, and have our very own needs met and choose what we want. It has nothing to do with ontrol issues...or any of that other crap. Please take a moment to read what she said this man really said.
Its seems like many have posted here, and you have gotten some really good advice.
I have a few things to say, that may get some people disgruntled, and in saying this I mean no disrespect.
The only people who we love, and love us back unconditionally, are our children. There are no conditions set, until they are of age, when they can handle themselves responsibly and understand accountability, and consequences. At that point in time, a love evolves with their is mutual respect and the understand that agreeing to disagree, takes place.
The notion, that we find a partner that loves us unconditionally is unhealthy. We want our partners to have parameters and boundaries, it is what makes us adults and who we are, and with good thought hopefully we find people with the same fundamental core beliefs.
In saying that, this man does not meet your needs, which your feelings are telling you. He makes you feel bad about yourself. This to me, is a nobrainer. Men and women, owe themselves the right to spend time with those in our precious lives who we enjoy for all the right reasons. This man makes you feel just plain bad about yourself.
I do however, want to comment on this:
Thank you for your input. And being so kind. Man, I had a hard time with this. I am too soft and too kind for my own good. And even with his humble appologies, it did hurt when he tells me this. And he wonders..."Why do women feel hurt when a man says that?" He says that. "its for your health" he says .
This sounds like a man, who actually cares about you and your health. He actually cares enough to call you on it. I do not consider this man shallow, at all, but he may have had difficulty in expressing himself. He though, is staying with you for his perceived potential of you. He reasons that you are perfect for him, minus your weight. I am sure, what he wants if for you to take care of yourself. And I think it is that simple. This, however does not meet your needs of being accepted for who you are now. Therefore, this relationship should not exist.
There is a wonderful quite self confidence that makes humans quite stunning, when they take care of themselves, and I wish this for you. You are quite a beautiful caring person it appears, how wonderful it would be for you to care for yourself in that manner.
We all get to choose how we run our life, and who we put in it everyday. Many of us, forget that.
T. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:26:17 PM |
The notion, that we find a partner that loves us unconditionally is unhealthy. We want our partners to have parameters and boundaries, it is what makes us adults and who we are, and with good thought hopefully we find people with the same fundamental core beliefs.
^^^ Is that pop psychology? So much for comfort...
You know you are really pretty. I'll be your friend if you cut your hair, ok? Because lice is a reality. If you keep your hair that long they will be harder to get rid of. And as your friend, I'd rather you just cut your hair now so I won't have to deal with the complexities your long hair presents in the future should you end up an unlucky one with lice. Just TAKE ME AZ I AM and listen to me ok? I care about you. I was wondering if you could stop wearing that deodorant you have been wearing lately. It not only contains unhealthy aluminum but I can kind of smell it from here and I find that particular scent unpleasant. Oh yes, and I see you enjoy wearing a bit of lipstick--girl, take care of your self! Lipstick has been reported to have some trace elements of lead in it. If we are going to be friends I can't hang out with you when you wear your lipstick.
Adults make their own choices--kids make choices--adults guide children with their choices. Adults support the choices of adults out of respect for one another. Its unhealthy to even attempt to make people (big or small) over. Who would subject themselves to this type of life voluntarily? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:14:16 PM | "Would the same apply for someone trying to help an alcoholic change their drinking habits to becoming alcohol free ? or someone who uses drugs ? Or any other destructive habit ?"
Absolutely. We have over 50 years now of experience that the 'helping' people best 'help' by getting out of the way. Do not try to 'help an addict change. You can do an intervention with a professional who knows how to do one. (which would not have included the things the original poster said the person said to her under the euphamism of helping). You can let them go to live with those who provide recovery environments.
I run a sober home for alcoholics and addicts. I cannot change them. I cannot help them. I can provide an environment and rules for living. They get to choose to live within this structured environment or not. Not up to me. Only between them and their higher power.
So, to apply, if I were dating a person and did not want to contribute to their weight issues I would not take them to a super fried food restuarant. However, whatever restaurang I took them to it would be up to them what they ordered. Overeaters are very very clever (have had anorexic / belimics in house) and they can make food fattening or skinnying no matter what you try to do.
We know that those who cover up for addicts, who give them money or shelter, who do for them what they ought to do for themselves, who lie for them ... all the attempts to help stuff ... do a tremendous amount of damage and are much more likely to delay a person seeking recovery than to cause it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - you
The courage to change the things I can - me (partly)
And the wisdom to know the difference (some things only God can change)
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:16:22 PM |
Wait, were your parents making each other over for over 50 years, or loving unconditionally for over 50 years?
Both. My mother is a major control freak and my dad is a male chauvinist pig. Quite a lovey dovey combo eh?
Seriously though, my dad actually doesn't seem to mind being controlled to a point. All I can figure is he must really really love my mom. She constantly makes sure he is on his chosen diet and that he walks in the morning, among other things.
Bet you really wonder how I turned out now | |
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