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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:14:16 PM | "Would the same apply for someone trying to help an alcoholic change their drinking habits to becoming alcohol free ? or someone who uses drugs ? Or any other destructive habit ?"
Absolutely. We have over 50 years now of experience that the 'helping' people best 'help' by getting out of the way. Do not try to 'help an addict change. You can do an intervention with a professional who knows how to do one. (which would not have included the things the original poster said the person said to her under the euphamism of helping). You can let them go to live with those who provide recovery environments.
I run a sober home for alcoholics and addicts. I cannot change them. I cannot help them. I can provide an environment and rules for living. They get to choose to live within this structured environment or not. Not up to me. Only between them and their higher power.
So, to apply, if I were dating a person and did not want to contribute to their weight issues I would not take them to a super fried food restuarant. However, whatever restaurang I took them to it would be up to them what they ordered. Overeaters are very very clever (have had anorexic / belimics in house) and they can make food fattening or skinnying no matter what you try to do.
We know that those who cover up for addicts, who give them money or shelter, who do for them what they ought to do for themselves, who lie for them ... all the attempts to help stuff ... do a tremendous amount of damage and are much more likely to delay a person seeking recovery than to cause it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - you
The courage to change the things I can - me (partly)
And the wisdom to know the difference (some things only God can change)
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:16:22 PM |
Wait, were your parents making each other over for over 50 years, or loving unconditionally for over 50 years?
Both. My mother is a major control freak and my dad is a male chauvinist pig. Quite a lovey dovey combo eh?
Seriously though, my dad actually doesn't seem to mind being controlled to a point. All I can figure is he must really really love my mom. She constantly makes sure he is on his chosen diet and that he walks in the morning, among other things.
Bet you really wonder how I turned out now  | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:04:37 AM | Rococco wrote:
[quote}^^^ Is that pop psychology? So much for comfort...
No, rococco, that was not pop psychology. This situation became about dissing someone because they made their feelings known, and the poster turned it into something that was a situation that was not originally intended.
There was plenty of comfort in my previous posts.
Adults make their own choices--kids make choices--adults guide children with their choices. Adults support the choices of adults out of respect for one another. Its unhealthy to even attempt to make people (big or small) over. Who would subject themselves to this type of life voluntarily?
We are in agreement here. WE all make choices. And in those choices comes responsibility and accountability. Accountability is the one most forget about. Which is too bad. We can all make choices, and do what we want, we just need to be accountable for them.
And yes...Takemaziam, and listen to me and hear what I have to say, because you can be damn sure, if I choose to have you in my life, I will listen AND here what you have to say. If it goes against my core values, I will then decide what to do, because I am an adult. I will not, however, turn it into some drama, that shows disrespect about someone else's feelings. Be it about lipstick, hair care products or addictions.
I value myself, along with those that I choose to be in my life.
cncgandolf: You are an amazing woman, and I admire what you do.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - you
The courage to change the things I can - me (partly)
And the wisdom to know the difference (some things only God can change)
T. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:56:56 AM | The truth?
Well, naturally, a man likes to have a woman his size or somewhat smaller than him. It derives from the natural instinct of men. I can't speak for all men but that's how it seems like. I myself wouldn't mind a girl with a belly as big as mine or just slightly bigger. I'd imagine if I was bigger I would like bigger girls.
Is it the real deal breaker? Yes. Could be. Most men have a higher metabolism than women. And since they naturally prefer a girl their size or smaller, it can get hard for them to even maintain an erection.
I'd credit the guy for:
1. Being honest. I've been with thick girls. I found amazing personality in them, I found inner beauty in them. Attractive in everyway. But if your body isn't responding, you have no choice. At least he was honest about it instead of drifting away from the reality, like most people would.
2. Wanting your good. You'd be so much healthier if you lose some fat. Not only you'll take the weight off your joints, you will be less prone to heart problems (God forbid).
My suggestion? Lose weight. Hell, go work out with him. He'd love it.
Just my 2 cents. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:42:27 PM | | one of the reasons my marriage failed was because suddenly the ex got into (amazing) shape and, being female, it was taking me a little longer. He lost patience. But guys are such visual creatures so either they're physically attracted or they're not. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:13:24 PM |
But guys are such visual creatures so either they're physically attracted or they're not.
Women are just as visual as men it's just that we have a double standard in our society. When a woman says that she wants a man who is tall, dark and handsome it's called physical attraction or preference. When a man says that he wants a woman who is skinny, blond and large breasted he is called a superficial, immature pig. Does this double standard exist?
I think the tables have actually turned. Men have been the more visual part of the species from the beginning of time, but women have caught up. In my opinion women have actually passed men up as the more visual gender. Looking around at the profiles of women on here and it is quickly evident.
This is an interesting article about male height by dating expert Steve Penner. This article talks about the double standard and talks a little about the weight issue.
By Steve Penner
August 15, 2008 2:00 AM
The first column I wrote three years ago dealt with the single issue that bugged me the most during the 23 years I ran the dating service LunchDates. Frankly, it was the aggravation caused by this issue that partially motivated me to start writing these columns.
I am referring to single women's prejudice against meeting short men. Since I doubt that too many current readers actually saw that column, I decided to revisit the topic. After all, this is one area in which many women display all the shallowness and superficiality that they love to accuse men of possessing.
The same woman who is 10-20 pounds overweight, and who cannot understand why a man might not want to date her because of those few extra pounds ...; that same woman often will refuse to meet a man who is 2 inches shorter than her "ideal."
During my years at LunchDates I interviewed women who were very flexible about a man's religion, his hobbies, and even whether he was divorced. But the one criterion they would not budge on was his height!
I am not just talking about tall women. It is certainly understandable that a woman who is 5 feet 10 inches might want to meet a man over 6 feet tall. (In fact, though, the few women who stated that they were open to meeting men shorter than themselves tended to be taller women.)
What really perplexed me was the number of short women who insisted that they only would date men considerably taller than themselves. It was very common for women 5 feet 4 inches or under to state that they "absolutely" only wanted to meet a man at least 5 feet 10 inches, and they really preferred 6 feet.
I find it amazing how many women have attached an almost magical meaning to the height of 6-feet tall. If society tended to describe people in terms of inches rather than feet, I wonder how attractive it would sound to hear a man described as "72 inches tall," rather than "70 inches."
If you are skeptical, have a single man you know place an ad on an Internet dating site saying that he is 6 feet. Than have another man place an identical ad except for stating that he is only 5 feet 10 inches. I guarantee that the first ad will attract nearly twice as many responses from women!
Now many of the women I interviewed at LunchDates were "modern" women who insisted on equality in every way ...; except height. That is, they were educated, had good jobs, and earned a decent income. They only wanted to meet men who also were educated, had good jobs, and earned a decent income.
But those men also had to be tall! When pushed to the wall and asked their reasons, they replied with some of the following excuses:
"I usually wear shoes with at least three to four-inch heels," some women responded very naturally. They also frequently pointed out that many boots have even higher heels. So these women would add at least three to four inches to their own height just to pull even, then another few inches to make sure that the man on their arm was still taller.
"My father, my brother, and all the men in my family are over 6 feet, so that is what I am used to," one women stated, insisting that she KNEW that the average height of men was around 6 feet. When I tried to tell her that the median height of men was between 5 feet 8 inches and 5 feet 9 inches, she got up and angrily marched out of the interview room!
"I am short, and I am looking for a man to father my children, and I don't want to have short children," a number of women told me, with a straight face, I might add.
"I just feel safer when I walk down the street with a man who is much taller than me," was also a common response.
"I am only attracted to tall men, I just can't help it!"
So where does this height bias leave short men? Behind the proverbial eight-ball, I am sad to say. After all, take a woman who is only 5 feet 2 inches, add three to four inches for her "heels," another two to three inches so she can feel safe, and lo and behold, it is not unusual for such a women to refuse to meet any man under 5 feet 9 inches. That means she is eliminating about one-half of the male population.
I was especially disheartened when interviewing a man under 5 feet 6 inches. After all, it is easy to tell a single man or woman who smokes a pack a day that he or she would have a much higher Dating Quotient (that is be easier to match) if he or she quit smoking. It is a little more awkward to tell a woman who is very overweight that she will be difficult to match unless she drops a few pounds.
But a smoker can quit, and an overweight woman can lose weight. But there is not much a short man can do.
Fortunately I am not referring to all women. There are (and were) exceptions.
For research purposes, I occasionally would glance through my dating service's "married file," (a file that obviously contained the profiles of couples who met and married through LunchDates). I noted that many of the women in that file had stated in their interview that they really cared very little how tall their matches were, and that flexibility had translated into a very successful membership.
Then I looked through the file of people who had completed their membership at LunchDates without meeting anyone. Sure enough, it was full of those women who had insisted they would only meet men much taller than themselves.
Over the years I became increasingly frustrated by many women's lack of flexibility in this area. Once I decided I was really going to "negotiate" with a short woman who was insisting that she only wanted to meet men over 6 feet. The woman had just stated that she was looking to get married and have children.
"You realize that if you are talking about growing old with a man, most people shrink a couple of inches as they hit old age," I said.
The woman paused, thought about what I said, then responded "Well, if he's going to shrink, all the more reason to only meet someone very tall!"
Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:01:39 AM | Everybody has preferences. It is just the way it is.
I am follicle challenged on my head. Some ladies want a guy with an full head of hair and will not accept anything less. I have seen ladies state it in their profiles. Then again there are plenty of ladies for whom it does not matter.
I have my own preferences also. I state what attracts me in my profile. I see nothing wrong in stating one's preferences as long it is not offensive. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:34:23 AM | | Doesn't sound very sweet to me, but that's only my opinion. There's always someone who does not like you physically, whether it be because you're too thin, too short, too tall, too big. I don't think a marriage with this individual would be lasting long. People have fluctuating weights a lot of the time and some can't control it. I think something is wrong with him, physically, if he thinks you're too big to make love to. Just a thought. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:31:15 PM | | ^^^Yes men are allowed to have their preferences. Reread the OP and you'll find that the man involved knew that his expectations weren't being met from day one. He should have walked then. He decided to establish something (not sex) then commenced to tell her she not thin enough for him. The guy should have never lead the OP on in the first place and left the relationship in a more sensitive manner than he did. Guys can have their preferences, but they don't have a right to make others feel bad about themselves. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:09:41 PM | | I have been recently dating a guy from pof farokh51 on here.Anyway on the 6th date we went to his place. This was on Friday i was supposed to stay overnight for the first time.He lives in Richmond Hill I am in Toronto.He told me to get the scale and he did from his bathroom put it on the kitchen floor and was making fun of me.I have gained 40lbs this year because of my headache medication. He was telling me to lose 50 to 60.He was pointing at the parts that are most fat.I was so upset i said take me home,we were only there 3 hours.He starting laughing and i said why are you laughing,he said your crazy,i said you are an ***hole,you dont do that to a girl.If you didnt like it then why go past the first date i have been this size since before i met him.So we drove all the way to Toronto in total silence.When he dropped me off at my apartment he said im sorry i hurt you.What would any of you do in this situation? | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:39:25 PM | | wSweetie, that man is called a controlling emotionally abusive man. You are beautiful, you do not deserve to be degraded like that by any man, much less one you are not even dating. Sounds like a pig to me. Some men are alone for a reason. "I'll love you if you lose weight???? I think he has no idea what love means... good riddance! | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:17:25 PM | There is a difference between having preferences and being a jerk. There is also a difference between taking the sting of rejection and moving on and being totally spineless and self-hating as well.
This is a case where both have managed to meet each other.
If you don't like the way someone looks, smells, walks, talks, you move on. You don't hand them a list of things they need to change to meet your "standards." That is just rude and downright mean. Who is to say your standards mean anything? Only you. That list might have a lasting impact on someone who is otherwise perfect for someone else--just not you. This guy was being a jerk. He was playing games and getting off on having someone want to please him so badly.
The OP is...I cannot make up my mind whether or not she is just attention whoring or really, truly hates herself so much she would bother with thinking twice about such a turd of a man. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:50:43 PM | | Oh, that last line feels very harsh to me. I think we all need a little support sometimes. Its most unkind to dismiss concerns or plight of another, in my humble opinion. Everyone has different amounts of self esteem at different times in their lives based on what's going on, yes? Take it easy OP. | |
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:32:05 AM | What say ye all to that? Otherwise, he says I am THE WOMAN amongs ALL women~ I have the best personality and the most wonderful way of treating a man. Yet, this is still not enough.
Not making love for years, leaves a woman, hungry for love....and also making love is a great way to lose weight. "
not making love for years" will make you truly appreciate a man who deserves 'you',...ALL of you.... don't let him justify his contorted insecurities to make them seem like its YOUR 'fault'.....
sweetie you deserve better....
*hugs*
Mary
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| A little overweight, very curvey, ....and I hear this.
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:51:36 PM | The man's head needs to be banged against a brick wall! He is not worthy of you or a second of your time! Kick his azz to the curb!
Let's say just for the sake of it, you did lose the weight...what next is he going to tell you that you need to change? Someone with this characteristic is just that...always something.
I am only saying this because a friend of mine was in the same boat with her b/f. She did what was asked then it went to something else. So on and so forth.
I wish you the best of luck and remember it is better to be alone and happy than to be with someone and be miserable! | |
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