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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:05:03 PM | thank you ClassC; I think we're agreed on this.
Maybe the key to life is continually adjusting the balance. I'm learning to adapt to change (go with the flow, play the cards you're dealt, etc.) but it ain't easy and I'm not near quick enough at it. Yet. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/11/2009 10:58:45 AM | first u must know the distinctions between wants and needs....
all i really want is someone who understands me as I am like NO other....
I need to come and go as I please.
What i want is someone who won't control me cuz good luck trying.
need to clean up my internal affairs first to know what I want.
I want an EQUAL relationship where I don't need to see u 24/7 as it's not my thing. I want someone who shares my interests and willing to learn new things.
It's all about give and take , trial and errors.
currently reading "In the Meantime" by Ivanlya Vanza (sorry spelt her name wrong)
excellent book and highly recommend it as it talks about all of this.  | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/11/2009 10:58:08 PM | Sorry. This seems like a pity post to me.
MODERATION is the key. YES I expect that a man who is willing to help others when I meet him also knows when to draw the line - that his self-image is not totally tied up in service to his "great guy" image that he ignores the relationships and commitments that really matter - his family, which will be there for him when the other people will certainly not be.
YES I would expect that a cop or prison guard or sergeant-at-arms whatever who is successful because he has a certain forceful image and is used to expecting compliance and bluffing his way through difficult situations would recognize that the qualities that earn him respect on the job are not the same qualities that make for a good husband and father and adjust his attitude at home accordingly. Those that are unable to do so do not stay married, plain and simple.
YES I would dump a man who is unable to set such boundaries and not bother blaming myself for being attracted to a person who is helpful and responsible and confident.
Duh.
If my dates (ha ha - ok theoretically) were giving me these vibes I would seriously examine what needs of mine are being met by continuing to be this way in my home life/dating life as well as my professional life and I would contemplate whether some change might be appropriate.
(hisss have a butt -it is gooood for you says the Green evil serpent Nicorette lady I've become - my apologies OP - i'm a little blunter than usual) | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/13/2009 4:07:12 PM |
Sorry. This seems like a pity post to me.
Really???? 
Just pointing out the feelings and "expectations" of the majority,,,,and the fact that a lot have no true concept of "reality". Orrrrrrr,,,,,the fact that most truely do NOT understand what they are asking for. If ya reread your own words,,,you just reconfirmed what I am saying. Looks like you have never been involved with a good man that helps people when you state,,,
a man who is willing to help others when I meet him also knows when to draw the line - that his self-image is not totally tied up in service to his "great guy" image
Those guys/girls helping others could give a rat's a $ $ what their "image" is and most of those helping others you never see or hear from. They just do it.They don't care for awards, pats on the backs, or whatever. You may know people that pretend to "help",,,,,but they are putting a "show" on for ya. Yep,,,just for you. That's what YOU want,,,right????
Some here,,,and there,,,want an "emotional" man. But most ONLY want the "good" emotions to come out. You know,,,the lovey dovey stuff. As soon as the "other" emotions come out,,,the mad/sad/bad ones,,,,the majority run. If you truely want TRUE emotions,,you MUST accept ALL in a person. If not,,,you're just getting a fake. He'll give ya what ya want,,,hide the rest,,,,then one day blow up and then you will be scratching your head and wondering what the heck just happened.
I'm gonna submit here,,,that if ya want MODRATION,,,,you can have it. I call it boring. Always calm. Always sunny. Always "okay". BORING and not anywhere near reality. I don't know about you or anyone else here,,,but my life has peaks and valleys,,,daily,,,and even hourly. To put on a pair of rose colour glasses and deny such a thing is just plain silly. Well,,,to me it is anyways.
he ignores the relationships and commitments that really matter - his family, which will be there for him when the other people will certainly not be.
A "good man" will prioritize,,,,and sometimes the family (which we really are NOT talking about here) and/or significant other will not be number one. A family and/or significant other, that has been around this man long enough understands what they have,,,,and are willing to let "others" have a piece of it. Seems,,,,you are not one of those.
In this pond, the majority here have to understand that MOST of us have lives that we are living. I did say MOST didn't I????? I'm freaking 48 years old, and if I was to meet someone today,,,,my priorities do NOT/will NOT just change in seconds, minutes, hours or days. It will take time for that one I want to get to know to get into MY mix of MY life (as I with hers) before she gains "number one" (as with me in her life).
YES I expect
Just because you "think" you are worth it,,,,you will have to gain a gentleman's /ladies heart before they know/believe it. Especially at the ages some of us are. Also , quite a few of us have histories,,,,and with that,,,,a good memory. It will take more than a few dates, a few months, or maybe even a year???? (omg,,,thats 365 days!!!!!!) We are not children here,,,,but holy moly some of us have some great expectations of what some of us should do,,,"just because". It takes time,,,and some don't have it,,,,or the patience or understanding to figure it out.
Oh,,,been here to long to be looking for "pity" in this place. (as if I would accept it
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/13/2009 5:28:11 PM | I get what you're saying, Walts .. I for one will admit I say I know what I want, but then when I end up getting it, I wish I'd been just a little bit more specific. 
Oh and btw, you're getting no pity from me ..  | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:18:39 PM | ooooh boy! tsk tsk crabby crabby me. I will try to be nicer because I see that I have upset the OP but I'm afraid my point remains essentially the same.
He mentions the feelings and expectations of the majority - but he can't know what the majority of women feel and expect, can he? He must simply be positing a theory based on what he understands of the majority of women who know him well enough to have expectations of him. (that is my point - if the majority of women can't handle the full spectrum of his emotion, perhaps that is a clue to explore within - up to him to decide,not me)
I refer to "people pleasers" nice people who get their self esteem from making others happy to their own detriment at times - just because I know people like this does not necessarily prove an argument that I have never met anyone that can help others and set boundaries also. In fact, I have met both types. I know they both exist and I choose the latter type over the former.
The people I meet just like the people any one else meets choose their own behaviour - I don't CAUSE them to pretend to be anything other than what they are because that is what I want. I'm using the OP's example, not my own. I believe it is the rare person that I meet that pretends to be something they are not. Very rare. But if they do, it is totally their own responsibility - not mine!
Moderation is not boredom it is happy, sad, exciting, challenging, death-defying, content, angry, obstinate, helpful, etc.etc. Boredom is boredom. We should take boredom in moderation as well - nobody can be exciting 100% of the time - that would be too tiring for them and for their audience.
The OP does not know me. A significant other is family if they have been significant for a long enough time. Family and a partner should be number one all the time - that doesn't mean that one can never spend time anywhere else but if there is a conflict the partner's feelings and needs should be considered in the priority-setting.
Balancing each partner's needs and wants is the supremo challenge of a relationship - and I can't say that I have mastered this - it is, in fact, the part I dread about getting involved again (oops - this one is a freebie -be kind and don't rewind) It sounds as if it has been a struggle or is a struggle for the OP as well, although I must say I do not know him either.
I truly feel there IS a way to balance competing interests and needs within a relationship. However, I don't think it is to defer to the other person's priorities or to insist they defer to you. And I haven't been successful at it yet so maybe I am wrong. But I think certainly there is something in the OP's post and his response to my criticism that would be worth exploring and reconsidering in terms of his own expectations to what a partner is entitled to expect from him.
That's all I'm saying, hopefully, in a less challenging way.
Cheers. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:02:29 AM | I can't argue with most of your points, they are very valid. However, active for example people don't generally look for some one that is just active , they look for someone who is active in alot of the ways that they are active. Take me for example, I have been an athlete almost my whole life. Now if I find a girl that I think personality wise is the one for me, if she is really active in an athletic sort of way I think that could bring us alot closer.
I also am very passionate and yes you are right that applies to all emotions and that is something that could be very negative, but you never know your partner and you could feel the same way about alot of things or most things. The way I see it dating is that period where you find out about all those things, and if the scale doesnt tip too far one way then things have a good chance of working. Lets face alot of life is opinions and feelings, I think if you get that out of the at the beginning and know where one another stands on the things that each are most passionate about the smaller things dont matter so much.
As for hard working thats something that can be adjusted once a relationship has built a strong base. When a serious relationship hit a certain point eachperson should know what eachothers life goals wheather financial or other. I think past the age of say25 most people have an idea of what they want. Girls and women probably alot sooner, but that bring up another point. Men may for the most part have to initiate the I like you deal with women, but women give the body language alot of the time that tells us that okay. And decisions are based on a lot of things . If a women knows what she wants in life her body language isnt goig to say okay to just anyone. Its going to say okay to who fits her ideas in life, wheater she knows it or not. Its all programed into are subconscious. Some people may take time in there teens to really anolize what they what is most important to them in life and for other its part of there autopilot.
What I mean by auto pilot is something that we all have, some people more than others. It's those times for example most people that have been doing something for along time, especially when we are tired this is the best example. When your drive in an area that you are in alot say its your route to work, but you actually going to the store, the odd time you drive past the store cause your tired and continue to work. Usually we zone back in and realize quite shortly after"oh ya I'm not going there i'm going to the store. Well some people spend up to 90% of the life in a similar state and alot less. | |
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