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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:07:45 PM | i get what you mean but mine isnt so much body type ( tho it does play a part in my end decision)
I guess body type matters more to men than women. There are way more variations of the femaly body than the male! | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:17:48 AM | Nothing is wrong with having standard, why settle? That being said, I noticed people (men and women) on these dating sites may have unrealistic expectations then whin about it. I find this especially true when they (the whinners) may be show their age in an unflattering why or are overweight and have the expectation (almost a mandate) that people are not falling head-over-heals over them.
Yes looks matter although before flaming me be realistic, it matters to different people in different ways and at different levels anyone that states differently lives in denial. Let's face it, for a good reality check picture yourself with the person and visulize what others will see (not that this is the ultimate check, just a reference).
So, nothing wrong with standard. They could be physical, income, job status, religious, whatever. If you do not have standard and settle, what happens when something better comes along? Or being stuck in a relationship that you settled on and it becomes missery?
Just saying folks - everyone have a good day! | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:29:43 AM |
when are standards too high?
When you are consistently on at least one dating website with millions of members for more than 3 months and you've really never gone out with anyone more than twice.
Either your standards are too high, or you simply have chosen your career over your social life (because you don't have time to use the dating site or date).
Do you think there is anything wrong with having high standards when it comes to potential partners?
It depends on the standards.
Would you ever lower your standards if you think you have quite high ones?
Yes. But only after really looking at them to determine if they are really standards, or simply barriers to entry because I don't really want what I say I am looking for and am adopting standards as a self protective measure that no one person can live up to in order to actually keep myself from ever achieving what I say I am looking for.
When someone contacts you do you look at their pic before deciding if you should reply or not?
I read the message, then go to their profile, and on the way to the meat of their profile I notice the picture. But I don't spend minutes staring at all of them.
Personally I respond based on what they say in the message, and then compare it to what they say in their profile. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:43:38 AM | Standards in a nutshell can be on two different levels: Personal taste "standards", or actual standards which makes a person a better catch. In either case, you have to evaluate yourself. There are some women who are 40 pounds overweight, yet scoffing at the notion of a guy who's an average Joe, because:
(a) On certain occasions, they've had physical run-ins with (at the time horny) guys who were a bit out of their league, so they mistakenly think they're on par with that level
(b) They dated a guy or two who's hot in the eyes of many women, but the guy's an idiot/moron, so girls of significantly lower attractiveness are the ones who will date him. Thus, chubby checker thinks she's at least close to that league.
(c) They don't understand that they're not THAT great looking or have a great personality. Certainly don't be in that boat.
If your main thing is attraction (which it usually is for most), look at yourself in the mirror and check yourself. If you're demanding guys out of your league, you're making a mistake. Be blunt (honest) to yourself about it. Check your attitude, too. Guys you're attracted to may not be quite out of your league, but your attitude/persona turns them off. Uptight, anal girls -- who many times see those qualities in themselves a high-class virtue, turn off most guys real quick. And just because you can refer to some girls more uptight than yourself, doesn't mean you're not generally uptight to scare away guys you're attracted to. Again, check yourself both ways.
Don't roll with guys you're not attracted to, but check yourself to make sure your expectations aren't out of whack. Relate with BLUNT people, not people wanting to try and make you feel good about yourself. You have to start from the facts. After some time, your tastes may come down to earth a bit, if they've been too "high".
And yes, a pic is the first thing we all look at. Anyone saying anything else is BSing. Looks is at least a pass/fail thing for all of us, and that's not superficial, it's just very basic. Don't worry about if you're too superficial or not per se, think about whether your tastes are out of whack. Hot girls have higher standards on looks than average Janes, and they don't have a problem finding an attractive guy in a populated area. Girls who think they're hotter than they are, following suit, are ones who are told they're "too picky". | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:57:19 AM |
Diamonddingleberry-- when are standards too high?
When you are consistently on at least one dating website with millions of members for more than 3 months and you've really never gone out with anyone more than twice.
Either your standards are too high, or you simply have chosen your career over your social life (because you don't have time to use the dating site or date).
That's it in a nutshell. Online dating is a perfect market, where your "offer" (y0urself) is evaluated by the "buyers" ( those who are, or aren't, interested in your offer). If there are no "takers" amongst those who meet your "standards", then the market is telling you that your standards are too high.
You can either adjust to the market, by changing the standards that aren't that important, or you can decide not to date. Your offer, in the end, is "worth" what the market dictates, not what you wish for. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:08:44 PM | We all like what we like, true in real life some people who's picture you might skim over here if you work with them everyday they might tend to grow on you . The love of my life, I hated on the first date. I told myself 100 times not to call her back, but something about her drew me in. It was 6 months of hell and a roller coaster ride like you would not believe, in the end she broke my heart, but I would probably do it all over in a heartbeat.
I think many of us let are eyeballs do the picking, rather than our brains. The trouble with dating sites is you never really get a chance to know the person.
For me now, I reply no matter what I think just to be polite, I chat with them a bit to see if there is anything there and proceed from there. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:38:32 PM | I have it in my profile that I'm not ready to deal with dating a guy with kids. A man (who had kids) wrote me, saying he was very offended. I told him that I have nothing really against single Dads, but I'm not in a place to deal with the issues that go with it. It's just not where I am right now.
Long story short, I had to block him. He kept exclaiming how single parents aren't damaged goods and he shouldn't feel ashamed. No Kidding! Not wanting kids is MY issue, and feeling like damaged goods is his.
Just had to vent that.
OP - YES, standards can be too high. I don't know whether yours are - are they based solely on shallow, physical things? Are they based on things that will really affect compatibility, and will be eventual deal breakers anyway? Are you not meeting anyone, or just not who YOU want? Just who do you see meeting those standards? I've been there before, and it helps to ask myself those questions. :P
It's tough sometimes, but the better you know yourself, the more realistic your standards will be.
Your standards are set, and can change by your experience, your feelings, and what you can handle. Attraction is important, but like others say, it can grow as you know someone. But if there is no attraction at all, don't fool yourself.
I don't know if any of that helps, just my thoughts - take from them what you will. :) | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:44:52 PM |
are they based solely on shallow, physical things?
Physical attraction is not "shallow". It's instinctive, and without attraction, it's difficult, or imposssible, to have a meaningful relationship. People dismiss that at their peril, and attraction factors are the ones that are hardest to change.
One can modify geographical distance requirements, for example. Expanding the radius from 25 miles to 75 will expand the list of possibles 10 fold. One can expand age limits a little, or let go of other, relatively minor things on his/her wish list.
Very few of us, though, could have a relationship with someone who isn't attractive to us. So, it's far from "shallow". | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:46:44 PM |
when are standards too high?
... When you have 10 bucks in your wallet but order a $20.00 plate of food.
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:46:45 PM |
Do you think there is anything wrong with having high standards when it comes to potential partners? Would you ever lower your standards if you think you have quite high ones? When someone contacts you do you look at their pic before deciding if you should reply or not?
No, no, yes. It's a question of quality over quantity. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:03:47 PM |
I have it in my profile that I'm not ready to deal with dating a guy with kids. A man (who had kids) wrote me, saying he was very offended. I told him that I have nothing really against single Dads, but I'm not in a place to deal with the issues that go with it. It's just not where I am right now.
Long story short, I had to block him. He kept exclaiming how single parents aren't damaged goods and he shouldn't feel ashamed. No Kidding! Not wanting kids is MY issue, and feeling like damaged goods is his
I hear ya on this one! .... When I had my "serious profile" up, I kept getting messages from lots of single dads, so I decided it was more practical to just post something along those lines so as to not waste anyone's time -- basically said: "I'd like to be honest and say that I am not interested if you have kids. I'm just not in the position to pursue the dynamics of such a relationship at this point in my life." .... Still, I got blasted from this one single dad -- who said something similar to what you wrote here too ... that I was being "offensive" to the single dads/parents out there.
My retort: "Look buddy I am not here to waste your nor anyone's time by misleading ppl into something I simply don't have the emotional capacity to engage in. .... It takes a special kind of understanding to understand and deal with the scenarios that come along with that kind of relationship. To some ppl who have that special understanding, they can deal with it. While to others, they just can't. So condemn me for being honest and saying upfron that I happen to fall into the latter half of that category!" ... and yep ... I just had to block this user too. *wondering if this is the same guy we are talking about here??* lol
Back to the topic at hand ... Standards, we all have them. Just be realistic about whether or not you can offer what you are asking for too. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:06:30 PM | The key word in that sentence, or me, was 'solely'.
Read further in my statement, and you'll see I pretty much agree with you as far as attraction goes. I'm a pretty instinctual person myself, and if I feel no attraction, I can't change that. Even a person's scent can determine if the match is successful. If you don't like someone's natural scent (at rest), that's not a good sign. I bet you already knew that. ;)
By shallow, I meant more like if a person MUST be a spot on measurement, a certain hair colour or you won't give them the time of day, etc.
How tight these preferences are, and how they may narrow the field is more what I was thinking about. I woman who wears glasses can look different when she takes them off - stuff like that.
I'm more with you on that than you think, you feel me? :) | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:13:34 PM |
I pretty much agree with you as far as attraction goes. I'm a pretty instinctual person myself, and if I feel no attraction, I can't change that. Even a person's scent can determine if the match is successful. If you don't like someone's natural scent (at rest), that's not a good sign. I bet you already knew that. ;)
By shallow, I meant more like if a person MUST be a spot on measurement, a certain hair colour or you won't give them the time of day, etc.
I stand corrected, then, equusreined, although the point on which we agree is one that is frequently disputed. A lot of people, especially those without pictures, seem to disdain that physical attraction should matter. The simple truth is that it does, and without it, there's not much point in dating someone. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:42:25 PM | Indeed it is, RenaissanceMan. To deny the importance of attraction is to deny ones self. Attraction must be for there to be 'real success' in a relationship IMHO. People cannot deny their instincts forever.
We are animals too after all, and we are attracted to certain people for a reason.
Upon reflection, I think what I wanted to convey is, how much of the attraction is real from ourselves and our instincts, vs. what is often thought of as attractive because of manufactured standards we've been exposed to?
I once thought I could not be attracted to bald guys. I fell in love with a guy who had nice hair, but after time, he got the receding hairline, and now he bicks his head - he's bald. But I still think he's very attractive, and there are other reasons beside the hairline that attract me.
But I digress... I think we're pretty much on the same page. :) | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:20:11 PM |
Do you think there is anything wrong with having high standards when it comes to potential partners? Would you ever lower your standards if you think you have quite high ones?
My best guy friend thinks that i am way too fussy when it comes to potential new bf's but i just see it as me not being attracted to someone. Now im not for one min saying that looks are everything to me but honestly if your out in a pub or park or wherever and a guy doesnt catch your eye your less likely to start up a convo with them are you.
I guess I just dont know if im putting too much emphasis on the 1st impressions that guys give me.
When someone contacts you do you look at their pic before deciding if you should reply or not?
So many questions lol
None of this matters.
At all.
Either you're getting what you want, or you aren't.
If you're getting what you want, great.
If you aren't, they do something else.
It's that simple.
On the other hand, if you're like most women, you won't get what you want, and the more you don't get it, the more you'll insist that whatever you are doing is right, and you just have to do it some more, and whatever it is it's all the fault of men, and then you'll find a lot of women here who will say "right on, sistah," and if the male sex gets really lucky you'll convert to lesbianism, but since the 1980s are over you won't automatically get a film contract for doing so. Capisce? | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:24:17 PM | Hmm well there is nothing wrong with having standards hell we all should have some. Better yet everyone should get a paper and a pen and write down what they are looking for so that it is clear as day!! This is a hard question to answer cause were talking about people here which isn't always black and white left right or linear. Everyone is unique and an individual so its hard to give an exact answer but Ill try.
I have certain standards when it comes to men. Certain things are definite deal breakers like: drug use, no job, no drive or ambition but there are certain things Im willing to compromise on. I pay attention to how I feel when Im around them, are they a good time? Do I enjoy myself when Im with them? Are they sincere, honest, kind, have integrity and an adventures streak? Those are pluses for me. Superfical things like possessions or name brand clothes are things I can negotiate on. I had a girlfriend with ridiculous standards ( in my opinion) and due to that will probably be alone for a long time. Of course I spoke with her about my concerns regarding that but no amount of discussion would sway her to change and was hell bent on her way. So anything I said pretty much fell on deaf ears. My last long term relationship wasn't an initial attraction in the least. We were friends and the attraction, love, and respect built over a period of time. Due to that, he was fine in my eyes. Maybe not the GQ standard, but to me he was and thats all that mattered. Of course attraction is important. I have gotten contacted by men whom I did not find attractive. But I don't usually stop there. I will read there profile and then take in the whole picture and based on that make a decision.
So the question is does it really matter what advice we throw your way? Will it truly impact on your decision regarding standards? I feel in your situation experience will be your teacher
Namaste | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:47:46 PM | Or perhaps this is the REAL question: If someone writes what they are looking for in their profile and you are NOT what they are describing...whose fault or should I say "issue" is it if/when the response is a polite form of no thank you and/or "read(no reply)" or "read/delete!?!" And let's not EVEN touch on how someone should respond since there's a tapestry of threads posted hourly (oops, I mean daily)...
I can't be everything to everybody. I've read MANY male profiles and when I realized I wasn't for them according to their comments, I didn't get an attitude, I didn't send them an email with a smart*ss remark (which I've received from guys), I didn't send an email knowing dang well the response would be no (I've actually had guys reply after I send a polite "no thank you email" stating "I knew I wasn't your type"...well if he did, why did he send me an email?  | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/17/2009 12:50:35 AM | Your standards are too high if you're a two and you're messaging tens. That's when you have to step back, look at yourself, and get real with yourself. Improve what you can and be more open to potential mates that may not be 'perfect', but have good qualities and intellects that make them a good match for you.
If you don't get any mail from your profile, amp it up, put a nice picture on it, and start fishing with better bait.
Beth | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/17/2009 3:19:17 PM | | To build a relationship, two people may need to fit each other socially and privately. They should have a better life togetter; otherwise, they are better to be alone... Does lowering your standards make you happy? | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:46:58 PM |
--goodewitchbeth---Your standards are too high if you're a two and you're messaging tens.
I'm glad it was a woman who was that direct, but it's the essence of things, really. Some people view online with a "catalog" mentality, and have the delusion that if a profile is there, that it's "for sale", and all they need do is "point and click" and proceed to checkout.
The reality is that the people most likely to be interested are those who are very similar to those with whom you've had relationships in real life. It's a just a venue for being exposed to a lot of people of the opposite sex, but very few "upgrade" successfully. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:52:36 PM | Everyone has their preferences and if you are looking for certain personality and physical traits all wrapped up in one package, then I do hope you find it.
I have to find someone interesting before I find them attractive, but that is just me. They need to be articulate, have depth to their personality, and want to have a deeper relationship other than just a sexual one. Of course, well-groomed is important and nice teeth make for a nice smile. I was married to a very handsome man for over 21 years and looks are just skin deep. He is a wonderful man and we are dear friends, but looks become far less important as life happens. A man who is all about sex from the get-go is a waste of my time. I am willing to wait until we get to know one another and have developed a deeper relationship. You know if you are attracted to someone without having to take them to bed.
Best of luck, OP. | |
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| when are standards too high?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:58:06 PM |
--goodewitchbeth---Your standards are too high if you're a two and you're messaging tens.
I'm glad it was a woman who was that direct, but it's the essence of things, really. Some people view online with a "catalog" mentality, and have the delusion that if a profile is there, that it's "for sale", and all they need do is "point and click" and proceed to checkout.
The reality is that the people most likely to be interested are those who are very similar to those with whom you've had relationships in real life. It's a just a venue for being exposed to a lot of people of the opposite sex, but very few "upgrade" successfully.
The big problem is, there are plenty of fishes who think they are an 11 plus. Looks are SUBJECTIVE and how can anyone really assess whether they are a "10" or a " 2"? I think that some fish look at occupation at least as much as they do the pic. They are interested in lifestyle as much as anything. | |
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