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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 5:22:30 PM | same in real life as well. when you fall in love, you are not "objective"
the difference I can spot in real life you got more information: from body language to mimics etc., so your chanes of falling in love with the "wrong" person is higher if you meet online.
note also that in real life, in most cases when people fall in love, just fall in love with an illusion - most relationship don't last long...
so, to quantify as a "thumbnail rule only":
when an average person falls in love in real life - in max. 10% of times it's a good match - the rest (over 90%) is actually an error...
when an average person falls in love online - in max 1% it's a good match - over 99% is actually error.
Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 10/20/2004 1 59 PM
I think falling in love online is an illusion.  | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 5:34:48 PM | This whole scenerio scares the bejeebey's out of me!
I know, when I meet someone on line, that (when we meet IRL) will be like meeting again...for the first time.
I also know, we have no clue really what he/she may be like in day to day cicumstances.
I can't help but feel...the on line love thing...is as smilinglaughing said...an illusion.
Illusions can sometime be even more painful that real life...atleast we walk away feeling far less sure of ourselves...because we created the illusion. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 7:56:00 PM | I know what your saying smilinglaughing.. I agree it could be an illusion. most net romances probably are .. . but he is more needy than I am and he wants this more than I do I'm sure.. he is making me feel guilty too about the fact that all people he has loved have left him in his life. . I try to pull away as I know I must then I am on a guilt trip. he seems to know. .. I think its so easy to fall in love but he has convinced me in so many ways that this is destiny.. and yet if I am truthful to myself I found several 'destiny's' in two weeks.. all declaring their love and marriage intentions in two weeks.
The danger signs are there .. rushing, marriage plans, where we will marry, how many children, their names, where we will live, our whole future is mapped out and planned in six weeks.. well in three weeks it was. I am swept up in the scenarios and the fantasies and I know he is being honest and he loves me for me.. not a photo.. but me . my personality and my voice.. but I think the photo and my profile come into it too. Can anyone truly plan a lifetime in less than five weeks ? without meeting? am I being sceptical? am I only in love with love? is he rushing this ? is he desperate ? he has a great job and is highly intelligent.. and yet there is a lot of fantasy here. Is he living in a world of fantasy ? he has never met anyone on line before.. I know this. I am also worried about his state of mind when its been almost six weeks and he has asked me to marry him.
I dont know what to do.  | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 8:32:33 PM | | I don't think they can be absolutely sure until they've met in person, but there are certainly worse beginning points than online. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 9:25:44 PM | I believe it can happen easily.. and can last.. but it will have an adjustment period when you first meet "in real life" so that should be considered and both should be ready to build on what they have already started. I know more things about my online lover than people who have known him all of his life, but it can be a false sense of intimacy brought on by distance and the feeling of security that gives someone.
Snowgum... You worry the hell out of me honestly.
You say there's 19 years difference but yet you list your age as 39 and his as 30?
Then to see words like these describing your relationship....?
he has smothered me in text messages and gifts,.ssmothered me in phone calls for hours.. the constant barrage of phone calls.. etc.. I have no time to think. ... he seems to be able to con and dominate me into thinking as he wants me to think .. I think he has tried from day one to make me love him and I have. .
Words like dominate and smother and con are not usually seen in healthy relationships hon.
its all very strange.
You sure said a mouthful there Oh what webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive seems to fit this really well. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 9:29:29 PM | | Anything is possible,for hundreds of years couples have fallen in love through letters never having met.Upon meeting,married and lived a wonderful life. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 9:32:56 PM | Whoops sorry that was a misprint.. I'm 39 . . a nine year difference. . I guess thats not bad but it was a lie . . he thinks I am 29. Thats my worry. .. that I am being suffocated and I thought it was natural . . just went with the flow. . .anyway .. thanks but dont worry its my mess to sort out I guess. But he does it all; so nicely.. . its hard to explain.  | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 9:49:07 PM | | I don't think you can fall in love with anyone online. You have to meet them several times and spend time with them just to even get to know who they really are. It doesn't seem like anyone on POF wants to get that far. A couple of emails, maybe a couple of phone calls, and maybe one meeting is about as far as I have gotten, and no sparks flying. I think that if you don't want to jump into bed with them immediately, they aren't interested. But then I don't believe I have ever been in love, so what would I know. I don't even think I believe in love. Good friends and lovers forever maybe but love? Who knows. I don't even trust anyone on POF, how could I love them. Too many liars. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 10:00:48 PM | I agree that its hard to find love on a site such as this or myspace . . or in real life. . but why are you here if you think everyone is a liar? the man I have met is not a liar.. he is real and he exists and I know he is who he says he is.. ,my mistake is that I let him think I was 29 ..it was on a profile done in fun ..never thinking I would meet anyone I could love. . anyway I guess we all have our reasons and we all tend to get carried away and we all are looking for something. . we hope we will find.. eventually. . I wont say no to true love ever.. I know its out there. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 10:18:03 PM | ^^^ I would say just one thing to this. It's not clear if he is "smothering" you or if he is "the one"... But, if you care for this man, tell him the truth. He might turn out to be a better person than you think and not make an issue out of it...
Just don't be a coward and do the vanishing act. Cuz that sucks big time... Act like a grown up, fess up, and who knows you might be surprised and find out that it's not a big deal.
After all, he might have lied as well... and he might be 40 and not 30.
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:01:30 PM |
After all, he might have lied as well... and he might be 40 and not 30.
Now wouldnt that just be a kick in the pants ????? 
If there is only a 9 year difference.. maybe you could put it off as a " oops" kind of thing? Or have you deliberately told him you're 29 in conversations as well? I see lots of people who have the wrong age up here and most simply do it because they ( quite rightly ) dont want to share their real birth date information. Can we say " IDENTITY THEFT" class ???? | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:10:09 PM | OP, well, love is one of those things that has many definitions. Most people view romantic love as affection that includes sexual attraction.
One can have "love feelings" on first sight, based on physical attraction, knowing almost nothing about the "who" of the person. The "infatuation" period, which is, after all, an intense feeling of love, is based on physical attraction, and then the mind "fills in the blanks", just as you would hope for them to be. It's why, the transition from infatuation to longer lasting, but less intense, love is about a 6 week process, as knowledge replaces wishful speculation, and one adjusts to the reality, vs. the wishful thinking. Most of the time, real knowledge of the who, all the flaws and mismatches, undermine the initial love. But, is infatuation "love"? Some would say so, and some would say "no". It's subjective.
Online attraction is the opposite. One can come to know the "who" of the other rather well, far faster than from real life dating, but based on a picture or two, the mind "fills in the blanks" about the "what" of the other, and when they finally meet, that "reality rush" often ends things, but, for me, about 1 in 3 times, there is chemistry to go along with the online connection, and then you really have something. Is that love? I'd say "yes", but others would say "no". | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 1:37:59 AM | I thought I fell in love online.
It wasn't quickly.
It was around the 4th year.
I still don't know if it was real or not.
I probably never will. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 3:04:27 AM | [I cant speak to him. .....the age difference is 19 years yet we are on the same level . . I am young and I sound young and I look young. . but I have lied .. not to him but on a profile.. ]
Sorry, I'm a little confused. Is this correct? That the age difference is NINETEEN years? So you are 39 making him only 20?
You are 39
He is 20
You have led him to believe that you are 29
Is that correct?
If so, I think you are caught up in the 'being in love with love' syndrome. I have no problem with anyone falling in love on the net or anywhere else, nothing is impossible in my book, but..............You've lied, whether it's on a profile or by ommission when speaking to him, and the only thing to do is come clean. If he is only 20, who knows how he will react to the truth? No wonder he's proposing after 3 weeks. Don't you think that it can be irresponsible behaviour like this by women, that can turn young men of his age very bitter towards women, trust and relationships later in life if he takes it badly?
Or maybe, as someone else said on here, he's lied too and he may not even be 20, he could even be younger. You say you know he hasn't lied to you, and that everything he has said to you is the truth? But isn't that what he believes of you?
Maybe I've got this all wrong, if so, my apologies, and you may meet up, have the children you've discussed, and live happily ever after. If I've got the above facts correct concerning your age and his (and please do correct me if I'm wrong) , but if they are correct, I personally, can't help feel that at 39, you should have more control over your behaviour on here.
Flame me if you want, it's just my opinion. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 6:59:26 AM |
OP, well, love is one of those things that has many definitions. Most people view romantic love as affection that includes sexual attraction
I find when our interest with each other is a good start in a meaningful relationship.
It doesn't take that long if a person is just giving you lip service or actually open to exchange freely there hopes,desires and inspirations. and yes,chemistry is the spoon that stirs the pot!
I like the forums because it can revile to a certain extent ones intentions,additude,
and personality.
It does help in the process in finding a similar match and someone you like to know more.
I like it when a person does give there personal opinion most of the time instead of sitting on the fence,side steps the issue or can only reply with a joke .
And don't get me wrong,the humor and jokes are great and funny and I just wish that sometimes these guys would give there opinion.  | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 10:52:46 AM | | Oh, yeah, I guess it can happen after all. My niece met her husband on the internet after meeting 86 men for coffee. I am just on #4 and have a long way to go. It could take years and I don't really have that much time to waste. Most of the people I have met on POF have too many issues, alcoholics, depressed, want someone who is young, thin and perfect in their eyes, too fat and unhealthy, sedentary, sports obsessed, hunters, liars, married, dirt poor with dependent grown children, selfish, controlling, angry, sex pervert, think they are God's gift to women, or just plain weird. Guess the three men I have met can put me on that list also. The main problem here is no one wants to take the time it takes to really get to know someone. You cannot tell anything from one meeting but if you do not communicate or take one word wrong and get mad and refuse to communicate ever again, you are probably missing out on what could have been a good friendship or possibly grow into more. I met with two men I could have really liked if they had communicated openly and taken the time to get to know me better. We had a great time on our "date" and a second date would have been welcomed. The third guy was a dud. Oh, well, I guess I just do not understand men and never will. I think I am hopeless and must find my romance in a book. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 10:57:50 AM |
I don't really have that much time to waste. Most of the people I have met on POF have too many issues, alcoholics, depressed, want someone who is young, thin and perfect in their eyes, too fat and unhealthy, sedentary, sports obsessed, hunters, liars, married, dirt poor with dependent grown children, selfish, controlling, angry, sex pervert, think they are God's gift to women, or just plain weird.
Someone who has that sort of outlook on what she expects men are like, unless they "prove" differently, isn't likely to find many emotionally stable men, who will open up to her sufficiently for a real connection. Negative attitudes tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies.
On the other hand, love or pre-love, I have felt real emotional connections online with women, some of which turned out to be the "real thing". I've dated women I've met from real life, and from online, over the 8 years since my divorce. The long term relationships of 1 year, 5 years, and now the one I'm in, all started from online, and each had that sense of "being in love" with the essential "she" before we met. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:06:11 PM | | Well, Melofelo, of course you know everything, as usual. I did not have that outlook when I first got on POF. I thought I would find honest sincere people like myself looking for a lasting loving relationship and that is the image I portrayed in my profile upon entering POF. A man does not have to prove anything to me, I automatically assumed they would be sincere and honest. Big mistake. Unfortunately I quickly learned that the perverts, married men, and liars quickly pounced, and so far having changed my profile many times in vain to keep these people from contacting me it seems to be the majority of people I attract. I think my "outlook" as you put it was not negative. Quite the contrary, I think I was too innocent and naive in thinking all people were honest and sincere. I have not "dated" in 35-years so I certainly had no "negative" outlook or reason to believe men would be anything other than honest in seeking someone to "date" and get to know. After all, isn't this a "dating" site. Unfortunately, due to the rude, disrepectful, lying married men, and disgusting sexually graphic emails, I have certainly developed a negative attitude toward internet dating. I have met a couple of really nice men on this site but the nice ones are definitely in the minority. From your post, you seem to think you are the Casanova of POF and you have such wonderful relationships develop on here then why are you still here. If you are in love with someone why would anyone need to stay on POF. The forums are not that entertaining. Always the same old crap and the same old people. If I was in love with someone, I certainly would not expect that they would have a need to spend so much time on a dating site, for forums or whatever reason. Who would have time, we would be too busy having a wonderful time and doing things together and with family and friends. If I find love, I will certainly never get on an internet dating site again for any reason. These sites are addictive. If I have a "negative" attitude I got it from POF and people like you. You are right about one thing, "I am not likely to find any emotionally stable men" no matter what attitude I have because I do not believe there are very many on POF. If there are any, I am sure they feel the same way I do. It is a site for people who only want to play games, meet for casual sex, or get their jollies off putting people down in forums. I don't think I will stay here. If I do I will only become more negative. Melofelo you generalize everyone if they do not agree with you. You have not read my emails or talked to the men I have talked to so you have no idea what I have dealt with on this site and have no right to put me down for my beliefs. In my 56-years I have never been treated with such disrespect, lied to, or treated like a piece of meat as I have on this site, and if I have a negative attitude, it is certainly justified. I expect people to treat others with respect, honesty, and decency. And married people should not be on this site lying and pretending to be single. It is just wrong and deceitful. I do not think I deserve to be treated this way but evidently, Melofelo thinks I deserve it. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:16:23 PM |
I do not think I deserve to be treated this way but evidently, Melofelo thinks I deserve it.
Anytimenow51, most of your rant was a big blob of text, devoid of paragraphs to break it up, and hard to process. So far as I can tell, it was all off topic.
Yes, it's true, that there are weirdos, liars, and inappropriate people, that one encounters online, or in any "singles" venue in real life. It has ever been thus, and part of the process is sorting through all that, to find "the one" person, with whom you can form a real connection.
That real connection IS the topic, and my comment has been that, yes, it is possible, and in fact, something I have experienced. If one forms that sort of connection, and if it translates into real life, then it leads to a secure, developing relationship. Among those of us who have found connections and developed relationships, there are some who continue to enjoy the discussion fora. Part of that is to be a counterbalance to the angry and bitter people who populate so many threads, banging the drum that "POF doesn't work". It does for those who let it. | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:36:01 PM |
my 56-years I have never been treated with such disrespect, lied to, or treated like a piece of meat as I have on this site
Perhaps you lived in an isolated world and PoF exposed you to a slice of the real world. I had a narrower understanding of "society" until I got on the Internet in 1989. And since I married shortly thereafter, I had a narrower understanding of women.
And to some extent, the culture has changed. For thirty years I displayed the appearance of "normal sexuality". But it just got too hard, it created more problems than it solved and I discovered that few people cared anyway.
For the record, I'm sexual pervert but I didn't jump your virtual bones!
Too much work! | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 1:56:15 PM | You need to meet people to be sure you have a good connection.
I have met people I liked to chat to but didnt fancy them when I met them.
I have had people I fancied but didnt like them after I met them!!
Cant win............... | |
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| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 2:11:21 PM | About 20 of us from a Christian singles site got together a couple of years ago and spent the weekend at this gals apartment in Portland.
I was surprised when I was attracted to someone I had seen on the site but had never paid any attention to.
Meanwhile, I was not attracted to the person with whom I had been chatting with for months and had even bought her a plane ticket to be there!
Love without meeting is really unlikely, but not impossible. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 125 | |
| Falling in love.... online?????
Posted: 12/29/2007 2:15:27 PM | | I personally believe that someone can fall in "lust" online, but to actually fall in love, that takes time and personal time spent together. | |
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