| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:25:44 PM | "To be far, he never told me he wanted more, and I am not one to read between the lines. I wont know what anyone wants from me if they dont tell me and he never did, he just assumed I knew. "
That's why communication is so important. How can you know unless one of you says something?
Nonetheless, sounds like a great guy...go for it if he is still available. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:07:00 PM | Speaking from the jerk side of a man often jerks masquerade as nice guys and women intuitivilyt feel this but are nice and sweet and keep a friendship going becuase they don't want to hurt the guy. Men think they were too nice but they were really mean, manipulative and controlling, aka jerks.
Now. Speaking from the more mature honest side of a man and one who used to be and still is sometimes a jerk whether passively or just plain blatent no one is perfect and he may had atleast a part of what you were looking for. However without him stepping up and being at the time what you needed or you maybe lowering your standard and loving him for who he truly is, jerk or nice guy, eventually this would have come out. So you may have lost him then no matter what happened.
I think for all of us if we can learn to get over ourselves things go much better. You can only change you though and if you want a really nice guy and one who can stand up and be your man at the same time then you will find him if you do your part. I am sorry about your loss. I have lost someone like that too. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:13:42 PM | Perhaps this IS some of the best of what this particular individual has encountered in her lifetime, depending on her walk of life and set of life circumstances to date.
come on chameleonf! You do not need to date Charles Manson to figuring out that you do not want a psychopath in your life OR believing that everyone is a psychopath and thus, he was the best she can get! No one is that naive!
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:21:28 PM | | I think it's exactly what I said, she was too emotionally unavailable for him at the time they were dating due to her traumatic experience, he WAS there for her in SOME ways and since time has now gone by her memory is tending to only remember the good... until you REALLY think about it more. I think it's natural to tend to focus on the good parts of something that's over when you're feeling lonely and remembering the good someone brought into your life, but it takes more effort to go a step further to remember the bad too. She's young and admitted, she wasn't looking at the whole picture. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:28:54 PM |
come on chameleonf! You do not need to date Charles Manson to figuring out that you do not want a psychopath in your life OR believing that everyone is a psychopath and thus, he was the best!
 Well, speaking for myself, you're right, I'm not big on the psychopaths or sociopaths, but you must admit from just reading these forums, some people are either beacons for these type of individuals, largely because they have broken pickers (read low self-esteem or lack of intelligence), or it has something to do with their backgrounds or where they live. Sometimes it IS the best they've run across - sad but true, any way you look at it. Sounds like this OP has had some upheavel in her life and she is fixated on the best qualities of a not so super great guy who may have had some other redeeming qualities amongst the bad qualities. It's why I say she needs to not go looking for the same kinda guy but to pick the best "nice" qualities she may have found in him and look for someone with those. The compulsive lying aspect can be thrown in the dumpster where it belongs. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 4:34:07 PM | I think we are fairly misguided on this one. What i really think happened is this girl now feels guilt about using this guy for emotional security and keeping him as just a friend.
She comes on POF, throws up a thread saying she had this guy and he was the BEST guy ever.....BUT he didn't make it known.....well MAYBE he made it known......Oh well yeah he DEFINATELY made it known.....well then he's a hmmm......LIAR....a HABITUAL liar.
You can't have both. I'm sorry for all the tragedy in your life, but that is not justification to be selfish to another human being and them blame him for being used.
(at least thats my gut feeling WITH all the info that has been presented and in the manner in which its been presented.) | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 4:49:29 PM |
And about the flowers thing, my best friend sends me flowers monthly, and that means nothing of interest except he appreciates me.
So you have (or had) *two* guys who are sending you flowers, and "it means nothing of interest"?? You seem so sure of that... this other guy (another "best friend") sends them to you monthly? For no reason other than he "appreciates you"? I mean, I don't usually send flowers to someone "for no reason" unless I'm interested... (birthday, mothers day, etc, maybe - for mom & sis, or I sent one of my ex's flowers and a "get well" card after she had major surgery). | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:32:27 PM | Is it wrong for you to want it?
Absolutely not. Once you've experienced a good life, and being well treated by a man who is loving you in an excellent way....it's practically impossible to be willing to settle for anything less than that again.
I think anyone, man or woman who's been loved that way and has lived with love in their life in that way - would acknowledge that it's a powerful wonderful thing!
And it sucks like holy Hell to realize that you have caused yourself to lose it, far too late to hold on to it and cherish it the way you should...
It bites. It's, well, I personally have compared it to living in Hell. It's beyond dying and experiencing Hell it's just living and re-living it every day.
Until you finally let it go. You're human. You failed to see what you had and you lost it. And you may never find it exactly the way it was ever again, and eventually good enough may feel close to what you had, simply because you've been alone and waiting for it again for so long.
Is it wrong to expect it will happen again?
I can't answer that. I've not reached the End I don't believe in my search to have what I lost.
I did realize the other day as I approach the 10 year anniversary of the night we fell in love with each other - that the morning "IT" happened? Was just another Friday. I worked, cooked, cleaned, drove, cared for my kids, let the dog out, and had no idea that in the late evening I would look up from the World Series Game at a man I'd known for years and fall head over ass in love with him.
That thought alone now gives me hope that tomorrow?
It may happen again.
Opportunity will not be lost again, I assure you. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:37:24 PM | I don't think its wrong at all and in fact alot of us can relate...U said he already moved on but don't you know what is meant to be will come back...If you cant get over him, then I suggest you somehow find a way to contact him and let him know just how you feel..Lifes to short to not be with the one that makes you happy... | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 7:51:03 PM | First you type:
Last year I had a perfect guy. Loved me and my kids, bought me flowers every week, devoted himself to me, when something happened we was there, when I needed someone he was there.
Then you go on to later type:
I caught him in many lies, he was a habitual liar...
Jade, you are very confusing here. How can a guy be perfect if he's a habitual liar? I don't get it.
What is "perfect?" to you? Was it his appearance, the way he was in bed, outside of bed, what? Was he a chameleon that could change his colors depending on your needs?
So forward to today. I still think of him and compare almost every man I meet to him, and no one has even came remotely close to comparing.
Do they lie more or not as much?
I know its wrong and I shouldn't compare but when you get the best,
How in the hell does your brain make it so that a liar is "the best?" I'm still so confused by you here.
its hard to let yourself down grade.
Ahhhh,w ait a minute here. Was that just a shot (below the belt I might add) to dating prospects? Maybe this is a wall or shielf you're using as a way to keep men off you? It sure sounds like a hateful and rude statement. Way to make a guy feel good about your outlook on him. I' m still trying to figure out how you wrap your head around a liar being "perfect" and "the best" here.
Is it wrong for me to want that? Its it wrong for me to expect that?
Is it wrong for you to want a liar? Uhhh...well, is that what you want? Not a question of moralizing it, so much as revealing your own character traits that bring your reasoning into question about men, especially lying men. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:36:08 PM | | It was as if that post was my stuttering heart speaking clear. I can't think of how every time some girl I have a crush on falls for an ***hole who doesn't care for her further than getting some tail that night. =/ I am a recovering nice guy. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:44:37 PM | Repeat, she's young, she's a rape victim. He was there for her in SOME good ways while she was not ready. The mind has a way of blocking things in such situations, she blocked the part about him being a liar when thinking about how he was there for her when she couldn't be there for him. So she embellished his good traits and forgot, and now has remembered, his bad. Unless you've been through trauma yourself, you will not understand.
VVVV she never said she told him she loved him or that he told her he loved her or that there was much communication other than she said she was honest with him about not feeling recovered from what happened to her, so they agreed to be friends. Why the need to add things to the scenario that were never stated as such being there I don't know. That's accusation without cause. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:50:41 PM | Been there, done that.
Some women/men will use you, for varioius reasons.
Men use women for sex (generally).
Women use men for emotional reasons(seems like?).
How many "I love you's", does it take for them to "love".
Always seems like they are playing some stupid "game".
The "game" of love, perhaps.
I probably won't ever know.
That crazy, crazy thing.
We think is "love". | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:51:04 PM | Absolutely!!!......
OP.......You entered the dating game, had your chances and problems, ups and downs, and you were not sure, and then figured out that you should have been.
Life has a way of happening, and time will help you get where you need to be, but beating yourself up for what you did, or did not do, will only allow you to wallow in your own self pity, instead of picking yourself up and moving on.
Next.......
Just my opinion.........   | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:59:17 PM |
~Gone Sailing~
Is it wrong for you to want it?
Absolutely not. Once you've experienced a good life, and being well treated by a man who is loving you in an excellent way....it's practically impossible to be willing to settle for anything less than that again.
I think anyone, man or woman who's been loved that way and has lived with love in their life in that way - would acknowledge that it's a powerful wonderful thing!
Me Leona
Repeat, she's young, she's a rape victim. He was there for her in SOME good ways while she was not ready. The mind has a way of blocking things in such situations, she blocked the part about him being a liar when thinking about how he was there for her when she couldn't be there for him. So she embellished his good traits and forgot, and now has remembered, his bad. Unless you've been through trauma yourself, you will not understand.
VVVV she never said she told him she loved him or that he told her he loved her or that there was much communication other than she said she was honest with him about not feeling recovered from what happened to her, so they agreed to be friends. Why the need to add things to the scenario that were never stated as such being there I don't know. That's accusation without cause.
Well said ladies... Much respect...
I admit I was/am questionable about Op's lack of consistency and what was "seemingly" ad lib like rebuttals to the responses here. Though I wasn't going to presume I knew why & geezus you guys are quick to presume and harsh! 
Anyway, again kudos to Me Leona for her thoughts!
And to ~Gone Sailing~ My thoughts exactly! What the frack is wrong with Op or any man or women getting a taste of what it's like to be treated right & saying, "Dammnn, that felt good & I'll never settle for less again"... Yes, yes, yes... She is saying he also treated her bad but does that mean she can't take the good out of it???? | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:27:06 PM | I've often heard we never want what we can have. But when we can't have it, what ever the reasons, suddenly it looks much nicer. Joe Campbell once quoted,"Beware the coming of Christ, for he will not come again." Sometimes life is a one way trip and gravity wins.
But supposing for a moment you get a secound chance, what will you do different? How do you express gratitude and thanksgiving? No one owes you anything. Tell you what, someone buys me flowers even once a month, I'd be very grateful for the next three home cooked dinners on me.
While beauty and a good heart are nice if you can find them in the same place, given the toss up, I'll take a woman whose grateful for having me in their life, the heart outlives mere appearence by many long years. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/14/2009 6:03:38 AM | Are you SURE he was perfect? Or are you looking back through rose colored glasses. Try to think back why you let it go in the first place.
I can remember back why I let it go and was timid... I caught him in many lies, he was a habitual liar
I win!
Seriously tho, OP, we all do this to some extent. The brain is a magnificent machine - it tends to block out unpleasantness (or no woman would ever have more than one child! ;-) So, as I said before - this guy really wasn't the guy for you - but there is someone somewhere who is - who will be there for you (the way you remember him being) - without the lying. Find HIM - and don't compare him to some idealized version of the other guy - THAT does not exist. Life is a learning experience - this has been just one of countless lessons! 
Oh, and about the flowers - Agreed, any man who sends a woman flowers (unless he's a florist!) does so for romantic reasons. If you don't believe it, ask him. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/14/2009 7:02:25 AM | | Of course you're not wrong for wanting that. He was there for you when you were having a rough time, and didn't push you for a relationship that YOU WEREN'T READY FOR. Kudos to you for being aware of it, and for not taking advantage of him. I'll bet he remembers you and thinks of you often...he'd probably be proud of how you've gotten your life together. Keep what friendship has survived & nurture it...you never know what will come back around in the future... | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/14/2009 7:26:57 AM | no, it's not, it's perfectly normal to want to be happy and if you were happy in the past, (with someone) it only makes sense you want to stay in the same "groove"
i am in a similar situation - found someone i loved, broke up with her but don't want to/ can't move on and get over her - it was the happiest time of my whole life my miles | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/14/2009 7:29:51 AM | A first date story reminds me alittle of your first post. When we first met, she told me about her lousy ex-bf, who was a jerk, rude and a liar. She wished for the last 3 years of her life back.
However, strangely enough, throughout the date, she began comparing stuff I talked about myself to her ex-bf, saying things like "oh, he would never do that?" or "Well, my boyfriend could do that himself."
I had a feeling if that lying sack of crap walked back into that room, she would have walked out with him.
Needless to say, the date ended and there was no second date, even when she left a message asking "what happened?"
I think people leave an imprint on each other, some deeper than others that is not easy to shake off, but I would give it some time to let someone in an prove themselves. My last GF and I thought we would never be GF/BF material but she said I was the best BF she ever had and if it weren't for a lucrative job transfer, we'd still be together. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/14/2009 7:38:35 AM | | OP - obviously he wasn't perfect (as in your subsequent post)...and maybe you are looking back through rose colored glasses. But try to see it this way - you want someone else (not him) who will treat you like that, and be there for you like that. Take that as the lesson learned from this experience, and use it going forward. Try not to compare - just try to realize that you aren't looking for flowers every week - you are looking for the feeling that gave you. See what I mean? | |
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drstew
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Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 49 | |
| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:44:57 AM | I get the feeling that you are calling him a habitual liar because you are rationalizing the last year.
There are people out there that give us certain reactions that we normally would not have with other people.
To be far, he never told me he wanted more, and I am not one to read between the lines. I wont know what anyone wants from me if they dont tell me and he never did, he just assumed I knew.
I think inwardly you knew that he wasn't the aggressive type, and as long as YOU weren't aggressive the relationship could stay in the "Safe" mode, which was exactly what you needed for your trying year. The end result was the relationship didn't have anywhere to go.
For a relationship to thrive, it has to have a certain amount of joy--otherwise it's just a FWB. | |
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