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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:41:33 AM | Thank you all for having your say. I guess it is really a "grey" area and like a lot of things comes down to personal preference. Different strokes for different folks.
Take care all | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:30:41 AM | I think if your "seperated" but headed to divorce your OK, if your just seperated and haven't talked or thought about divorce,,,,your playing the field.
Set the date, pay the money and get it over with. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/18/2009 3:23:33 PM | I for one am very wary of - 'separated' -
separated - does that mean you're not together right at this moment but you could be together again tommorrow, next week, next month?
separated - does that mean - she just doesn't understand me - so I need to have a fling or abit on the side till she comes around to my way of thinking
Think I personally will leave Mr. Separated alone and concentrate on paying off the Mortgage - much more fulfilling | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:37:27 PM | As an Aussie, I agree with PossOutOfExile, however I feel its best to keep away from those that are separated until as much past issues have been dealt with as possible, there is nothing worse than being in amongst it all and trying to stay unbiased or better yet completely out of it. Also I think a person fresh into separation within 2 years has no idea of what path their life should lead or what they even want from another partner!
I so don't want to get attached to someone only to be told later on down the track that they 'want to explore their options', not that that has happened to me yet as there is a sad lack of sane/suitable dating men in my area. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/20/2009 5:27:43 AM | well hmmmmm i have been separated for a few years now, with absolutely no chance of getting back with my ex wife.....we just havnt got around to getting the divorce done......partly due to the expense (no not issues with dividing everything, just the cost of the divorce itself) and the fact that both of us work and arevery busy during the day and also are probably too lazy to get it done lol. although i have recently filled out my part of the paperwork and now just have to get her to fill out her part and put it in.....so probably soon  | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/28/2009 7:35:44 PM | Hey Phoenix916
I don't know if you'll come back to your thread and see this (since nobody's posted here for a couple weeks). But I found the post while searching, for "married" because I want to see what others have found to help tell if someone on here was married. Like what the "tells" may be. I haven't found the answer yet, but I thought I'd pass on a little something while you're in this separated situation.
When I was getting divorced it went pretty quickly. But I did date while still separated and before the divorce was finalized. I found that dating separated men was pretty much a good thing all around at that time. There's always that inevitable "rebound relationship" and I had one and have since moved on. It's tough to really develop something MEANINGFUL and LONG-LASTING with someone who is still married and going through the whole life-transition of getting divorced. That's just the way the odds tend to be in the majority of cases.
So find yourself a fellow separated lady and enjoy your life changing. In big ways. And please, be careful when you get that rebound relationship. It can be a heartbreaker all around. Or just on one end. Ugh...never mind, don't need to go there tonight!!
It's not fun, but it does pass. That's the good news!  | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/29/2009 6:16:02 AM | KinChandlerAZ:
So find yourself a fellow separated lady and enjoy your life changing. In big ways. And please, be careful when you get that rebound relationship. It can be a heartbreaker all around. Or just on one end. Ugh...never mind, don't need to go there tonight!!
It's not fun, but it does pass. That's the good news!
So, KinChandlerAZ, why do you recommend having a relationship that you know is going to be a heartbreaker? I don't understand this. So...while you are getting used to the idea of a failed marriage, regardless of the how, the who and the why, of the failed marriage, why would you then put yourself in the position of dealing with a failed relationship? That's what rebounders are. I do not mean to be harsh if it is coming off that way, but as adults, why do this? | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/29/2009 3:09:09 PM | If someone puts in their profile they dont want to be contacted by married persons (and I imagine there would be VERY few that would like to be contacted by them), then I think that doesn't preclude seperated people.
Although I do think alot of women look at seperated and quickly move onto the next profile; like other have said here the worry is that a seperated person might always return as soon as their ex snaps their fingers, or worse they arent seperated at all and are playing around, ewww.
Often people dont take the time to want to understand. I first seperated back in 2006 and left the state, I was lured back by the children and there was periods of reconcillation for the sake of children. It wasnt a relationship it was an arrangement, there was no intimacy involved. So as far as I'm concerned Ive been over it for years, but the law looks at the date of the last 'seperation' so I'm stuck with months before I can do the 'divorced' thing just to prove it to others.
If you think it stand in the way of others considering you open, you could always add a quick line to your profile like I have
I have been married but am now firmly seperated and seeking divorce soon. I have two young boys that I see sometimes, but they live with their mother.
I cannot say it will appeases those that are worried about it, but at least Im being honest and up front. Hopefully people will give you a chance to express how ready you are to move on, so email away, I dont think it would be justified if they were peeved at it. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/29/2009 3:34:12 PM |
So, KinChandlerAZ, why do you recommend having a relationship that you know is going to be a heartbreaker? I don't understand this. So...while you are getting used to the idea of a failed marriage, regardless of the how, the who and the why, of the failed marriage, why would you then put yourself in the position of dealing with a failed relationship? That's what rebounders are. I do not mean to be harsh if it is coming off that way, but as adults, why do this?
I don't "recommend" a relationship that will break one's heart. I'm merely stating that the fact is, most people newly divorced get right out there and hook up with someone. And, in my experience, those quick hooking up things don't last. It's like they can't STAND to be alone. So they immediately glom on to someone (men and women). ANYONE, just so they don't have to be alone. THAT is what usually breaks hearts. Especially if you're the one that's NOT newly divorced. That person who is just separated is in no position to offer any longterm commitment. But their new partner may hope for it, right? That's where the broken hearts happen.
The new divorcee has some serious time ahead to adjust. Jumping into something new is bound to not last, break someone's heart, and ultimately end for many reasons.
I don't recommend it, but the facts is it's what many people do. It's not for me to say why (as I think you've asked). It's just why I suggested one find another person who ain't done being divorced. So they can bump uglies and move on...and then move on from each other too.
No perfect answers, just advice to someone who isn't divorced YET but wants to hook up with someone anyway. BTW, I don't date separated men at all. Not anymore. But when I was separated I did. Now, five years later, I'm not going to go there with some guy who is newly divorced.
No thanks...just not for me. To each his/her own right? | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/30/2009 3:37:25 AM | If initial contact states clearly that you are seperated and at what stage that seperation is at it gives reciepient the chance to make a decision. No harm done. I think its called communication  | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/30/2009 4:40:50 AM | When I first put up my profile I included 'and if you are attached then don't look here'.
to me that means married/defacto/have girlfriend/boyfriend/10cms separating us in bed but no sex tonight/my wife does not understand me/we are working out property and custody issues.
Hey if these issues are done and dusted but the divorce just ain't happened yet I could live with that. But I am not interested in complicating my life with someone elses thank you.
Different if I was in an established relationship, my wholehearted support would be there ,but issues of the marriage are the responsibility of that couple. Particularly if children are involved. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/30/2009 5:09:46 AM | I'm sure seperated can have different meanings dependant on the situation.
In my case it has been 18 months now, ex has repartnered and had the bloke move in with her, and the paperwork is all completed and just waiting for her signature, but she is hard to pin down on it.
I understand how some women could be wary of this or think I was being insincere, but it's truly done and dusted. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 8/30/2009 9:08:31 AM |
I don't "recommend" a relationship that will break one's heart. I'm merely stating that the fact is, most people newly divorced get right out there and hook up with someone. And, in my experience, those quick hooking up things don't last. It's like they can't STAND to be alone. So they immediately glom on to someone (men and women). ANYONE, just so they don't have to be alone. THAT is what usually breaks hearts. Especially if you're the one that's NOT newly divorced. That person who is just separated is in no position to offer any longterm commitment. But their new partner may hope for it, right? That's where the broken hearts happen.
The new divorcee has some serious time ahead to adjust. Jumping into something new is bound to not last, break someone's heart, and ultimately end for many reasons.
I don't recommend it, but the facts is it's what many people do. It's not for me to say why (as I think you've asked). It's just why I suggested one find another person who ain't done being divorced. So they can bump uglies and move on...and then move on from each other too.
No perfect answers, just advice to someone who isn't divorced YET but wants to hook up with someone anyway. BTW, I don't date separated men at all. Not anymore. But when I was separated I did. Now, five years later, I'm not going to go there with some guy who is newly divorced.
Thank you for clarifying. This is right on. I have witnessed some pretty interesting situations, when the divorce papers are actually in hand, and seen the grief that has ensued. It certainly surprises most, and I have seen some men become completely unmoored by this, even a few years after separation. Which is fine! I just don't want to be a part of this process. I don't want to be involved in a man's "transitional stage of life".
This is why I don't date people unless they are divorced for at least a year.
T. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/2/2009 7:56:42 PM | missfee1 on 8/19/2009 9 33 AM
(I for one am very wary of - 'separated' -
separated - does that mean you're not together right at this moment but you could be together again tommorrow, next week, next month?)
Hi:missfee1;Totally agree with the uncertainty of the term;unless the
status was clarified in the ABOUT ME section.
I have often wondered whether this status is sometimes used by
the individual as code for 'I'm special;really hard to get;I have choices
about returning to my partner" intentionally but in reality their relationship
is over and long gone.
Else the implied 'threesome' aspect of the situation would be left "hanging
in the air".............Nauseatingly deleterious(to me)!
But then again........each to their own. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 5:13:31 AM | Faux Pa wrote:
I don't think I understand it at all really.
Why would one separate from their spouse and yet remain married?
Why would one not take the logical next step of getting the divorce happening? Wouldn't that kinda preclude / inhibit the 'moving on' thing? I'd have thought he whole point of separating was to become single again so that one could make a new beginning?
Is maintaining the married status some sort of security blanket?
I'm still married because she isn't willing to split our joint assets; also she has a job with no benefits so she needs my health care coverage. There are mitigating circumstances, everyone's situation is unique. The "con-separated" people here have had bad experiences or are putting their morals on us. I can FORCE the divorce and spend the kids college money just so I can honestly say I'm divorced and become "datable".
Please don't paint us all with the same brush; we're all in unique situations. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 5:42:26 AM |
Please don't paint us all with the same brush; we're all in unique situations.
I'm sure that's true.
However it's worth noting this is an Australian thread and it relates to the Australian situation.
In Australia we have a 'no fault' divorce system.
The Family Law Act 1975 established the principle of no-fault divorce in Australian law. This means that a court does not consider which partner was at fault in the marriage breakdown. The only ground for divorce is the irretrievable breakdown of the relationship, demonstrated by 12 months of separation.
http://www.familylawcourts.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/FLC/Home/Family+Law+Principles/No+fault+divorce/
Under our system, an absence of agreement between the parties would see the Family Court decide matters.
Our basic health care is available to all citizens and not dependent on a spouse.
Reading between the lines of your post makes me thankful we have the system we do.
Good luck with it all.  | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:21:37 AM |
I'm still married because she isn't willing to split our joint assets; also she has a job with no benefits so she needs my health care coverage. There are mitigating circumstances, everyone's situation is unique. The "con-separated" people here have had bad experiences or are putting their morals on us. I can FORCE the divorce and spend the kids college money just so I can honestly say I'm divorced and become "datable".
Please don't paint us all with the same brush; we're all in unique situations.
As a divorced person, I can appreciate your situation, very much. Honestly, I wish I would have had that choice, keeping the health insurance and the kids college tuition. The divorce was more important. So I got the kids, got insurance, and have 1 kid graduated, 2 in college and one more to go. It's life, and its about choices. The fact is, you are still married, not emotionally but lawfully, and still choose to be responsible for your wife's needs. And that is your choice, and is respected. It also does not make you fully open to the whole datable market, again, by your choice.
I would imagine that "con-separated" people have had bad experiences with those who choose not to involve themselves with separated people. I know I have had quite a lot of issue with that, and received a lot of flak for that on dating forums. I am not judgmental, it is just not my choice.
It would be nice if the respect went both ways. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 9:00:01 AM | Taz said,
It also does not make you fully open to the whole datable market, again, by your choice.
I would imagine that "con-separated" people have had bad experiences with those who choose not to involve themselves with separated people. I know I have had quite a lot of issue with that, and received a lot of flak for that on dating forums. I am not judgmental, it is just not my choice.
It would be nice if the respect went both ways.
imo, is anyone out there," have a free and clear title?" No, but it's would be nice, once the dust has settled you and your new date are on a drama free ground cuz of divorce,separation,etc.
I too would like the "whole enchilada" and after their personal issues are resolved and are ready to live and love again. But thats just me. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 10:10:22 AM | Takmeaziam, thanks for the response. I wish to clarify something however;
The fact is, you are still married, not emotionally but lawfully, and still choose to be responsible for your wife's needs. And that is your choice, and is respected. It also does not make you fully open to the whole datable market, again, by your choice.
I choose to be responsible for my KIDS needs, as I stated I prefer to keep our assets instead of lining a few attorney's pockets. A by-product of that is SHE benefits from it, which is true, but it's not my preference by any stretch of the imagination.
If I push the divorce what will happen is we'll be forced to sell the house they're living in, the house that MY CHILDREN are living in. I own my townhouse outright so I may be able to keep it, maybe not. This will be all in cause of the lawyers because in the end, my kids will have to live in an apartment instead of a house with a yard and their play set. We'll be anywhere from $40-60K US$ poorer after the retainers, the re-negotiations, the loss we'll take in selling the house, court costs and time spent away from work.
No thank you. I don't live with her, so my dealings with her are limited. She's dating now so that's a VERY GOOD thing. Hopefully she'll be happy, which in turn will make our dealings less stressful. Eventually, we'll divorce, under our terms which is to ensure that the kids have minimal disruption to their routine and we don't make any lawyers richer than they already are. You see Takemeaziam, it's all about the kids to me, not her nor myself.
Godspeed,
G | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 3:47:10 PM | Personally, I can only generalize and 'generally' I would be less trusting of another person..., if they were "separated"..., because to my way of 'grocking it' they would still have unresolved/unfinalized 'stuff'.
...., nothing is ever completely as it seems..., and we should never assume..., etc etc
...., but we are human and that means we can and do tend to assume without enough info.
I would hear or see the word 'separated and if it was relevant to me I would think....,
"Hello..., what's this all about...., please explain?
But really..., that's only if I believed it could be any of my business.  | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 4:30:20 PM | I think it means different things to different people, this is also evident in these posts.
You’d think that “separated” means gone own way – no return.
Ah the play of words, so when you are “divorced legally” why does one have to say “divorced” aren’t you then single???
I think at the end of the day, if you are attractive to the other person, separated, divorced, single means F***all.
so to me seperated is as much married as married is seperated.
Just a thought | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 4:52:05 PM |
I wish to clarify something
Yeah, me too. This is the Australian forum and while we are accomodating folk, POF has a rule about 'roadtripping'. It's intended to ensure local forums like this one aren't over run by larger groups from outside it.
I dare say the divorce difficulties you guys outline are a problem in the US, but it's not relevent here.
Maybe you could start a thread in your local forum?
Thanks. | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:18:41 PM |
Maybe you could start a thread in your local forum?
They have, but they are all in counselling now  | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 9/5/2009 4:29:47 PM | Akizzej on 8/15/2009 11 27 PM(MSG12)
Hi:Akizzej;In a ceremony that was (presumably) attended by
friends and relations YOU wanted to publicly acknowledge
and totally commit to your partner which HE freely committed
to (nobody dragged him to the ceremony,"kicking and screaming")!
The fact of the matter was that only ONE person really WANTED
a lifelong commitment;the other chose to commit until HE found
another more 'suitable' woman and then "move on" which suggests
that he will do so again(and again....)when HER "use by" date expires.
His Grand commitments like "for better or for worse" and 'in sickness
and in health" were given at the time with tongue in cheek and the inward
smile reminiscent of the Taipan who is ready to strike!
Such male predators hide behind terms like 'she did not understand me'
AND "we have grown apart"!
The gutless always have excuses;like snakes they can crawl back
into their holes when the full sun hits their psyche'.
Pseudology and pathetic utterances always in use to justify
their true nature.
The fact is that such males carry their problems in their head!
And the destruction they cause is accepted and applauded by
society;after all,even Prime Ministers,Presidents and sportsmen
can publicly act like sleazebags;be admired and acclaimed for being the
liberated macho man(?????)!
AND THE WIVES have to suffer the humiliation of having their
children laughed at in the playground and their peers snigger
and make snide comments behind her back.
The fact that he wanted to hide behind the 'separated' status was to
essentially leave you in limbo and 'dangle' the status around in front
of other women as 'BAIT' which indicates to them that they will have
to 'fight' for this male(not man!)who is already taken.And there was
the possibility he could 'play the game' with two women at the same time
(and more!) if he used the correct techinques!
You have every right to be totally disillusioned but sincerely hope that
your value system never changes;mutual commitments freely given
were inviolable and 'in esse'!
Whenever the 'I' becomes more important than the 'WE',(mutual)
commitments are thrown out of the window!
(PS:There is currently a married NSW HEALTH minister whose behaviour
with some 26 year old woman has seen the light of day;presumably because
he made commitments to her which he did not mean.) | |
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| Is separated, married?
Posted: 10/10/2009 4:07:53 AM | I think it really depends on how long ago a person has been separated; if they have really been able to put their past disappointments behind them and are ready to move on.
As we all know from our own experience it is often hard to tell just when we ourselves are ready to move on, let alone, trying to see into the heart of another person, through the rose coloured glasses of attraction and the hope of a happier future.
The question is if you should you meet someone who is only recently separated should you take a chance and risk finding that you have been nothing more then part of their healing process, which they sooner or latter, need to leave behind with their pain.
I have found myself in this situation on more than one occasion but being male, having no children to be concerned for and being of an age at which the possibility of having any seem unlikely to say the least there is little to risk but disappointment when I persuade myself to take a chance.
However I was recently asked for advice by a young female friend, the mother of a young child who has involved herself with a very recently separated young man who, not surprisingly, is reluctant to commit to the kind of serious and forward looking relationship she would hope to build with him.
This got me thinking about how important your age and gender and the welfare of any children you may have are on the decision to take a chance on becoming involved with a recently separated person.
The advice I gave was that she should walk away because if he is not over the very very recent failure of his marriage she is just going to end up being part of the healing process and if he is over the very very recent failure of his marriage it tells us something about the value he places on marriage and his capacity for form deep and abiding commitments. Of course while I am not quite old enough to be her father she was able to ignore every word I said with a facility that would have easily lead any onlooker to conclude she was my own flesh and blood.
Though not surprisingly she seem to have decided to but some distance between this young man and herself for the sake of her child, nothing to do with anything I said you understand, which seems to have had the effect of encouraging him to pursuer her with more vigour than ever before. I am not sure what to make of that?
Anyway I would be interested to know what others (this means you Nana) think before I am once again required to don my Methuselah coat and begin the second round of quasi paternal talking to myself. | |
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