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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 5:08:57 AM | I agree with practice and positive reinforcement.
The hardest part, is finding a guy that's good for you and good to you.
The next hardest part, is learning to be attracted to such a guy! | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 5:20:19 AM | I had to undo some unfortunate programming (broken home, lived on streets, yada yada yada) and tried a few different methods, so firstly it is a concert of personal attention.
I used a handful of fundamental precepts which helped a lot, picked up through various sources. So I guess one key is to find the treatment methods which ring true for you (some for example, find respite in religion).
I needed to stop the train and get my bearings, which came with the knowledge that all it takes to prevent further programming is your awareness.
I needed to change my behavioural routines, for which I used the maxim of thought, word and deed. Think right, talk right and do right. And be honest.
I also needed to deal with past issues, which I did with meditative self hypnosis and a more centred, expressive approach to social interaction, relying upon sincerity and goodwill for community support. For example I used to be so very interested in science, so why on Earth did I give that up in between a rough series of life changing events, and I got back into getting involved with all the many things in the world which inspire me.
Sure I found I had to drop some argumentative behaviour I'd previously held firmly, but later found I was just making up arguments to justify programmed behaviour, ie. just being lazy. It's self sabotage but you can't see it until you're on the other side...though you can start with a big fat mouthful of humility and that worked. If you find you must be sabotaging yourself in your life, then you have to toss the ego, suck up the self pity and declare yourself intellectually subordinate to anyone you have good reason to respect about matters concerning your own life, which is frickin hard to do. And you'll get led astray here and there but it's still worth it, because as you figure out how to sort the really good points from the views that don't really apply, you awaken a truly objective sort of subconscious in yourself, who can assess without programming or bias. Now that sense of self you work with to get your life on track.
Once the bad programming is gone you begin to notice a lot of changed perspective from how you once viewed yourself and your tendencies. Things you used to feel ashamed of were actually strengths, things you thought made you strong were actually arrogant, stuff like that. This is where your future behaviour becomes more in tune with where you want to lead your life, the kind of person you wish to become, and in fact the kind of person you are being the one you wanted to be. From there you always seem to make good choices and you know it, and whilst we cannot dictate the availability of opportunities you'll have a natural predisposition to recognise them immediately, and make the best of them. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 5:24:58 AM | Arabian, I see this issue as no different from mine. I am 45 and still trying to figure out what to do with the feelings of wanting a parent to be the way we are told parents are supposed to be and the reality of what mine actually is. In my case it was my mother who was both abusive emotionally and neglectful because while she did what a parent is supposed to do, activities, being there for games, concerts, etc., she was totally emotionally unavailable and also made it quite clear that she didn't care about anything that I cared about (like other people), etc. and has made me well aware that I haven't ever and never will measure up to the daughter apparently that she wanted. I wonder if it ever enters her pea brain that she is equally if not more so a disappointment to me.
The problem with the OT scenario is that she wants something she is never going to have because her father is likely incapable of changing the way he is even if he wanted to. Until she learns to love herself even if she feels like her father doesn't, she isn't going to have a decent relationship or be happy. I have spent years pondering my mother and trying to figure out why she is the way she is, which has pretty much been a waste of time because I really wanted change more than an explanation, although at the time I figured if it at least made some sense to me, why she was the way she is, I could deal with it better. I think my mother's life was a disappointment to her and instead of taking responsibility for the choices she made, she has mentally whined about it most of her life and continues to. Bitter, resents the people she saw as keeping her from whatever she felt she deserved.
I started reading Toxic Parents and passed it on to my daughter to help her deal with her bipolar father, who is around but pretty much totally uninvolved in their lives and is abusive verbally and emotionally. It is a good book, focusing on recognizing and acknowledging the root of problems and also providing behavior modification, etc. to deal with issues while the individual works through the root cause. There is another book that is about relationships, Passionate Marriage, but it is also oddly focused on a person being happy and self-sufficient emotionally so that the could, should, and woulds are taken out of the relationship equation. In essence, the individual needs less emotionally from others and consequently those bonds become much richer because they are recognized for the gift that they are.
In my case, I have found it highly valuable to just try to deal with the fact that I don't have a mother in the conventional sense of the word and accept unequivocally that this will never change; I'm still working on it and hope my daughter figures it out before spending three decades trying to. Some people can't or won't change. My mother went to a counselor years ago (I was 19) and twisted the sessions to support her own bizarre agenda. I don't think the guy was a bad counselor (I had a couple of sessions with him because he wanted to meet the nutbags my mother was telling him about), I think she just chose to hear what she wanted to hear. What she took away was that he gave her permission to be totally selfish without guilt and after my father passed, we discovered how big a buffer he had been between her and pretty much everyone. The counselor wholeheartedly supported my escape to Texas and away from her and told me I should have done it as soon as I graduated high school.
The bottom line is that the woman will never change her father so she has to learn to cope with the father she has. When she does that and is a happy person, again, I don't think the relationships will continue to be unsatisfying because she will embrace the love she has rather than continuing to mourn what has been withheld by her father.
Great post Vanaheim. If the scenario described is an actual person, what will work for her is something that she will have to figure out but if you are a friend and know her, you might have suggestions relative to what makes her tick.
some for example, find respite in religion
My sister-in-law's family was worse than mine because growing up her dad was an active alcoholic. She told me once that it dawned on her one day that it didn't matter what her family did or didn't do, Jesus loved her so the rest didn't matter. We had that conversation about 20 years ago and at the time I thought, well that is a copout that allows people to treat you like dog doo without redress but if it works for somebody? When you have no control over other people you need to figure out a way for yourself to be okay with what they do or don't do. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 5:45:45 AM |
How do we unlearn behavior............is it as simple as learning the right way, and ignoring the old way? And is it really possible to change ingrained conditioning?
You are the driver of your own destiny.
Unlearn behavior?
If it's something you dont like,as an adult
you have a choice to form your own
opinion! Unless your the type that needs
Dr Phils complete edition of reruns. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 5:52:24 AM | | Forming your own opinion is vastly different from learning to control your emotions. Knowing what to do and how to do it are also quite different things. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:01:03 AM | Excellent and very thought-provoking post AA... I'll admit, I've spent some time here tonight just letting it play a mean game of ping-pong in my brain. You've already had some excellent responses I see...
You don't mention the age of the woman you are speaking of and I think it's relevant to the discussion insofar as the length of time she's been living her patterns without understanding them and how deeply ingrained they actually are... It also matters because there are certain stages of a person's life that don't offer a lot of time to spend introspectively. When I was a young wife, mother and career woman, I was either too busy or too exhausted to spend time examining my patterns or even, wondering about them. As a result, many years later, I am finally taking some time to re-evaluate my own "conditioning" and "patterning". In this, I find that I've had to bring my life to a state of complete stillness so that I can actually "get" the messages when they arrive. I'm still busy with my career but now, I am finally taking some time during the evenings and weekends to quietly "listen"...
I think then, that this is the first thing that a person who finds their own patterns disconcerting or leaving them unhappy must do. I think they need to find the courage to be willing to explore their patterns and then, they must take the time and solitude to actually be in a position to hear the interior messages that start to play. These are messages that have likely been silenced in the past and at first, they come out in shotgun blasts but eventually, they start to come out in tiny epiphanies that are far more manageable. Often, they are not exactly what we wanted to hear... *sigh*.
I don't think we can undo what becomes our own hard-wiring from the conditioning we received as children but I DO think that we are duty-bound to understand it as best we can and then, make the decisions (we could not make as children) that will enable us to get to where we want to go.
In the example you've used about the woman who has tried to flip the effects of her conditioning around to where she is dating emotionally available men as opposed to emotionally unavailable men, I think that it's quite common for people to initially run from one end of the spectrum to the far side at the other end. Of course, neither side is balanced so then, she will have to focus on what levels of availability work for her. It's easy to see the negative aspects of having an emotionally unavailable father but there are positives that should not be lost in that picture as well. His unavailability likely made her more independent and self-sufficient than she would have otherwise been if he had been constantly fawning over her. What she is now, is likely a reactionary result of his unavailability and who is to say that it wasn't her lot in life to have to develop that way???
You ask how we can "unlearn behavior" but I think this comes down to, "changing our reactions" to whatever life dishes out. The decisions we make now, as adults, are healthiest when we recognize that we now have choices we didn't have as children. We aren't "stuck" with our feelings the way we once were and we have the mental ability to jostle information around that allows us to negotiate and compromise where at one time, we simply couldn't.
There is much to be said for each of us allowing our lives to become still enough to be able to appreciate the differences between ourselves as children and who we have become. I think it's meant to be part of our experience to have to fight for the balance between both ends of the spectrum and in this, we become who we are ultimately meant to be. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:05:43 AM | There is no trick or secrets:
1) self awareness
2) self discipline
The will is a very powerful thing when you know how. Learn to say NO to yourself. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:19:45 AM | Great posts and would love to respond to all of them, but it's almost midnight and i'm brain dead.. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:20:45 AM | Have you ever wanted something all your life and then when you got it, it you didn't feel like you thought you would feel? I sure have. Some times we go on endless endeavors because we think we need it. But in reality we only needed it as a child. That moment has passed though. The only thing we can do in those cases is get some sort of closure. Real or imagined.
The woman in question has probably realized that what she thought she needed was not what she needed. And is perplexed as to what she really wants and needs.
As to the part about can we unlearn behaviour, i think we can. But that isn't the end of it. Behaviour = attitude + beliefs. If we only concentrate on the behaviours then we have only changed the tip of the ice burg. Think about chopping off the tip of the ice burg, what happens? That's right more surfaces. New behaviours based on the same attitudes and beliefs. Any strong emotion combined with a behaviour leaves a pattern. It's been said by some experts that when the pain of the behaviour is greater then the pain of outcome then the behaviour can change.
So while she was able to be in a relationship with a man who gave her what she thought she needed the pain of the outcome is greater then the behaviour itself. She probably felt worse getting what she thought she needed. Then actually having the hope of fulfilling a life long dream. This is where the logical adult can take care of the child within so the adult can get on with living life and learning what is needed at this stage in life. At least she will have the confidence in knowing that she was able to find what was thought to be lost so once she knows what she does want and need she will also be able to find that. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:22:20 AM | of course it is, I'd be a blathering idiot from my childhood were it not...many people would be.
First, I think you have to know there is an issue .(which it sounds like you do).
Second, you need to start inventorying exactly what it is you do that is destructive and where it stemmed from (neither is that easy or comfortable in any way, this was probably the most difficult step for me personally).
Third, you have to stand up and accept full responsibility for the problematic behavior and accept the causes (once it clicked, I found this easy).
Fourth, you need to figure out what it is that you really want and what actions/behavior will attain that (begin with the end in mind).
And then you begin. Self-discipline, self-respect, and and openness to change.
And keep reminding yourself. Like when you're practicing something physical that's hard..I'll use a yoga pose. If you've ever seen the charts of what the 84 asanas actuall look like, you'll know that most (especially us americans) don't have nearly the health, flexibility, and mental fortitude to attain these immediately. So, you go in , you practice everyday and sweat for 90 minutes. And every time you are in a particular pose, you focus on it and only it and keep reminding you body to do whatever it is you're moving towards...you point your toes in the direction to eventually wrap you foot behind your calf in eagle pose. Same thing...keep reminding yourself, stay aware, bring your focus back to you intent, and fake it til you make it if you need to.
Good luck. Those issues are sadly, pretty common. I just made peace with and started visiting my dad last fall...first time I visited him in 26 years. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:25:31 AM | You can "unlearn behaviour" but you can't "unlearn" conscious choices.
She's making the choice to date men who aren't available because she loves a challenge. Then when she's won, she dumps them.
There really isn't any psychological secret formula to this one.
She's just a control freak and daddy probably didn't discipline her.
Every time a man tries to do the job her daddy didn't do...she bolts. Control is resumed.
She'll be lonely, this one. But till her looks run out...she can coast this wave. A beautiful woman can do a lot of damage before the world gets tired of her. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:31:17 AM | I'm not sure that it's simply behaviour that you are trying to unlearn: it's emotional responses.
And I don't think you will find that you have any success in trying to take ideas of "should be" from a book.
At the moment you are in a state of conflict. Intellectually, you recognise that certain things you learned through conditioning are not truths; however because whilst your brain was developing, this is what was wired in as truth, you are having a hard time doing any rewiring.
I think that part of the problem is trying to replace one thing that isn't yours with another that isn't yours. You need to chuck out the stuff that isn't yours and discover what emotional responses are yours. Only you can do this: no-one can tell you how you should feel.
When you identify a conflict: "I want to be loved but feel as though I need to earn it" don't look in books or ask other people for how you should feel: look to yourself. A lot of us don't feel all that lovable but one way to address this can be to look at the way in which you love: do you love a person because they do stuff for you? Reflecting the situation: "What if I was the one loving rather than the one loved: what would my attitude be and why do I expect other people to love so differently?" can help a bit. You can't remove the false wiring until you work out your own personal truth to rewire with.
When you have figured out your personal truth for the situation: perhaps this might be "love is about the human being not the human doing", attached to your own feelings of loving someone else, you can rewire your brain by sticking up a reroute sign by the old pathway and every time you notice yourself getting near the old pathway, remember that it's lies and go through the logic and reasoning of your new truth instead. Frequently used pathways are more readily accessed so frequently use the pathways you want.
I think that if you try to use other people's ideas rather than your own here, it won't work and you will end up with the exact same problem of incongruency between what you think should make you happy and what actually does.
There is no "should" in feelings. If you are feeling very lost and struggling to find what your own heart is actually telling you, consider journalling and making notes on what makes you feel happy and valued -- not what you think should make you feel happy, but what actually does. That should enable you to make some progress. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:46:33 AM |
How do we Unlearn behavior?
There is no "reset" button on, or for life..
once "learned".. always able..
"CHOICE" is what determines the outcome of our actions..
being held responsible.. is what determines our choices..
If one believes there is no "should"....
one has no need for choice,
for all the is left ,.. is to act..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:09:28 PM | Bluesman; I agree with this portion of your post
"Old but true. Behavior mod requires practicing the new behavior knowing full well it's not going to feel normal/comfortable...etc..Why would you expect it to? It's new for you. It's like learning a new dance step. You feel awkward at first but after really practicing it and giving in to it, it will soon become YOUR NEW normal...comfortable...etc. But it won't happen over night any more than your emotional issues were created over night."
there is a saying ... if you continue down the same path, you end up at the same destination... not sure at the moment who said it. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:30:28 PM |
And I don't think you will find that you have any success in trying to take ideas of "should be" from a book....When you identify a conflict: "I want to be loved but feel as though I need to earn it" don't look in books or ask other people for how you should feel: look to yourself.
I get what you are saying but in my case, I know what the issue is, I know what to do, but figuring out how to not be hurt by another person's behavior is not always easy. I look to books for ideas, things that will gel in my brain and be helpful.
I guess it is the lightbulb moment, people can tell you the same thing umpteen different ways but sometimes it is just the way someone says it that it finally makes sense to you and you can apply it. Certainly this woman needs to look within but she also needs tools to learn to change her conditioned behavior to the point that it reaches feelings.
Most people have expectations of particular relationships. With family, we expect to be loved unconditionally when that rarely really happens. With romantic relationships, the same type of thing from a friend, he/she didn't call, somehow becomes a reflection of whether that person cares about you. Most of us need ways to rearrange that thinking.
A counselor told me a couple of years ago that if someone was screaming obscenities out a window you would be hurt and probably angry but if that person was known to be mentally ill, the exact same behavior wouldn't bother you because you recognize they aren't responsible for behaving the way they 'should.' This makes sense to me and yet I still seem to have problems applying it when it comes to my mother. So I continue to read, lol. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:53:04 PM | You will notice that this doesn't usually happen to every child in the family, some people are more susceptible to conditioning. So yes, the first course of action is to find a damn good therapist who you can work well with, then face the truth, which may take a few years since there is usually a lot to sort out and it seems to come in spurts and sputters. We may have a vague idea of why we react as we do but unraveling it is a long process. Then you have to want to change, many really do not want to change they just want validation for why they are screwed up.
The biggest step is when you can see the pattern happening and stop in your tracks. It takes a lot of first steps, baby steps, you will fail often but you have to be willing to not do the same things just because they are familiar. When you fail, you have to look it in the face and start over, not just stay there and think you are starting over.
I had a friend who would say...You are doing it again!...then back off. It was up to me to be honest with myself about whether I was doing it again or not, then to stop it, even if doing so was damn hard and sometimes embarrassing. If you can't confront yourself and do the steps it takes to stop a behavior, you might as well just accept it as is and learn to love it. Nobody can change behaviors for you, but no behavior is so powerful that we can't relearn it, even breathing can be relearned if we are doing it wrong. 
A trick I learned in therapy, when my mind goes to stupid thinking, go there for 5 mins. but that's it. No more than 5 mins. then on to something productive. And yes, you fail with that at first too, but if you are conscious of your thinking & behaviors you can make yourself stop after lots of practice.. Pretty soon you will be surprised that 5 mins. is way too long to bother to think/do something that you really want to change. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:04:04 PM | You dont UNlearn anything. You replace it with new behavior. Behavior of the ADULT variety is the DOING of something you intellectually KNOW is right, IN SPITE Of how it FEELS.
It seems you are looking the proverbial gift-horse in the mouth. You intellectually know your dad was stoic and not demonstrative, however you put the responsibility for HIS behavior onto yourself with feelings of "it must be MY fault, I'm not a loveable enough little girl" and have spent a lifetime trying to re-invent yourself to be WORTHY of his affection. You were BORN worthy. Whether alive or dead, write a letter to your dad expressing all your inner feelings of "Why cant you just love me" but dont send it. Spend the rest of that writing day intellectually acknowledging his character flaws that made him stoic and cold. You could no more change those traits in him than you could change the color of his hair, his height, or being left/right handed.
Then, define the way you want to be treated. Create your own minimum standard of deservedness. Pick a man who treats you that way. Embrace him emotionally and reward him by BEHAVING with appreciation for each and every thing he does that is NOT YOUR DAD.
Your "full" feeling was in actuality quite the EMPTY one all your younger years. Once your intellect understands what full is, use it to tell your emotional little-girl-inner-child that she is now getting what she always deserved and that she HAS "earned" it.
Being "empty" of your history of emptiness.. sure sounds full to me. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:29:56 PM |
You dont UNlearn anything. You replace it with new behavior. Behavior of the ADULT variety is the DOING of something you intellectually KNOW is right, IN SPITE Of how it FEELS.
1kindman4u has it correct.
"The statute of limitations has expired on most of your childhood traumas." - From "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart", by Gordon Livingston, M.D.
Then, define the way you want to be treated. Create your own minimum standard of deservedness. Pick a man who treats you that way. Embrace him emotionally and reward him by BEHAVING with appreciation for each and every thing he does that is NOT YOUR DAD.
Right again, by 1kindman4u. My formula, repeated many times in other threads is to decide what makes you feel loved. Find a man who gives you that in exchange for what makes him feel loved.
(Appreciation is definitely something men strive for from women. The other two are probably being trusted and accepted.)
. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:33:22 PM |
I get what you are saying but in my case, I know what the issue is, I know what to do, but figuring out how to not be hurt by another person's behavior is not always easy. I look to books for ideas, things that will gel in my brain and be helpful. Do you think it is wrong to be hurt by other people's behaviour? Do you see it as some kind of failing?
Other people's behaviour can hurt me but I don't regard that as a problem. I am not made of glass, I am part of the world -- I think there would be something wrong with me if I was indifferent to other people's behaviour. Some of us are over-sensitive and this has pluses as well as minuses too. Getting hurt is part of being alive: it's natural to want to avoid the unpleasantness, but seems extreme to try to make yourself incapable of being hurt. Is such a level of detachment necessary/constructive?
I agree that books can be useful tools but in the OP she refers to "should be" in a way that implies she sees rules for her to follow rather than tools for her to use. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:11:38 PM |
but even asking the source (father) of his actions could be futile, especially when he doesn't know any better. I believe most parents do the best they can with as much knowledge/experience they may have had, trying to get answers from someone that is probably unaware of their own behavior is pretty hard.
Nicely expressed Angel.. Many of us, including our parents and their parents and on back, adopt a behavior as we grow. We see what works by the results that come from them. As we go out and live, other social behaviors are heard, seen and even felt. The things we sense will either illustrate and amplify some of the things we may ' feel ' are missing or have in abundance.
The father in your scenario may feel that being a ultimate provider, is showing love. It may be lacking some of the ' feeling ' an individual would want and need.
I have had to change a ' shoudla, woulda, coulda of past events ' behavior from my parents. I looked and listened to myself one day and said " This ain't workin, I'm spending so much time fretting over the past, that the present is passing me by".
Now the things I see in my life because of a postive behavior or attitude. I see the difference in myself, and others tell me about it as well. What they tell me is well...very positive and the ' feeling ' is a very good one.
I unlearned it by recognition, effect, cause and understanding what the change could mean.
Thank You Angel.. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:20:30 PM | OP and SoldierByte,
Truth in what you say SB, although not all of us have had the privilege to experience.
Remember back to your recruit days, and later why not every man / women made it to the elite.
People want answers before they begin not realising that sometimes answers are waiting for us when we get there. As a Ranger you know yourself that you can not “lead the way” till you “lead” yourself. The self is the challenge, the self is what we fail, the self is what burdens us, the self is what needs to come out to truly “lead the way.”
When the lady in question realises and accepts her “self” then she can “lead” her life, for the challenge is always the self. Till then we can read all the books in the world, we can seek answers in our fathers and lovers to no avail. Triggers and anchors are within ourselves, the value and feelings that we place on these words and deeds is what determines their value and strength, take away the value you take away the strength. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:39:39 PM | You are incorrect..
EVERYone has a choice...( or "privlege to experience" as your
PC wishes to state....)
and everyone CAN do, and achieve ANYthing they want or desire..
the catch (choice) is....
what you are to do, sacrafice, etc.) to get, achieve what you want..
or..
just pick the easy way out and give a bunch of excuses, reasons, etc.
of why you "couldn't"......
life aint fair... you got what YOU deserve.........
and you deserve what YOU have...
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:52:10 PM | OP: One must learn to accept social rejection if they are to transition from being a shy person to a social person.
Not everyone is gonna like you or wanna be around you or listen to you. And that's ok.
On-topic: There will be things one will need to accept when transitioning from being driven towards emotionally unavailable people, to being driven towards emotionally supportive people.
I do agree that it's a conscious choice that we must make and stick to.
It's kinda like coming out of the "victim" mentality.
VVVVVVVVVV
Daughters of abusive fathers often find themselves in relationships with abusive men that are very similar to their fathers.
If you grow up in an abusive home. You may not like the treatment. However, it is what you know and, to some extent, feel comfortable with. Breaking the cycle can sometimes be very difficult! | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:57:02 PM | I must say this thread has the most thought provoking responses I've ever seen on this board, most of my favorite posters have contributed with extremely deep thoughts. Thank you....
When I first decided to put this thread up, I was a little hesitant, although I did state the topic was not about me, I need to be honest and admit that to some extent it is. I've never really given my relationship history much thought, I’m attracted to whoever I am and that was the end of it. It occurred to me only recently when I was dating two guys at the same time, I’ve never done this in the past, but hey I'm learning a lot from this forum :)...... both had qualities that I look for in a partner. The only difference was one was emotionally available and the other wasn't...
I couldn't work out why I felt so uncomfortable with the 'available' one as opposed to the 'unavailable', after all he had many great qualities, I was attracted to him physically...what was it?.... So I decided I needed to work it out, and instead of ending it after the first date, I decided to go on a second than 3rd date...and each time I still had this 'uncomfortable' feeling so hard to describe in words...our conversations were deep, mentally stimulating to say the least...a trait that I desire in a man....I got home after the 3rd date and realized that it wasn't him as a person that I was uncomfortable with...I was uncomfortable REVISITING deep emotions, he, without realizing provoked some very deep issues that I had...it was a conversation, that's all it should have been, but somehow this conversation was more powerful than I realized.
The unavailable man was to the extreme opposite, both intelligent in their own way, but this one wasn't deep. He was funny, light hearted fun but none of our conversations were deep...somehow I was very comfortable with this man...I continued to see him on many dates. Until he started to show the signs of being emotionally unavailable...I no longer had the energy or drive to win this man over, for the first time in my life I actually had the strength to walk away and not look back...in the past I would have continued trying to win this man over..A part of me couldn't do this anymore....
I guess I finally got clarity by dating two extreme opposites at the same time, perhaps I finally had it all in front of me to compare my reactions to both of these guys...I'm glad I did, because both helped me realize that I need to be alone in this journey...I need to be comfortable revisiting my own issues, I understand why they’re there..But making peace with them is another thing all together. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:11:41 PM | SoldierByte
The privilege that I talk about is not in the sense of someone handing it to you but in the sense of being gracious to yourself, as you put it choice. The privilege you give yourself without boundaries.
Fortunately we all poses it, unfortunately, we don’t all apply it.
ArabianAngel,
I hesitated to answer on this one – as I stated earlier, words are “awesomely powerful.”
Sometimes without realising, we use people as mirrors to see our inner self, just dont punish your self too much - good luck  | |
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