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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:25:22 PM | Don’t we all gravitate towards a comfort zone in relationships? For women, whether the man is like the father, uncle, older brother or some other role model that we’ve developed a fondness for over time, I believe that every person can identify the type of person they are initially attracted to by recognizing the role model man that comprises the attraction. With myself, my role model man is very much like my brothers, who in turn have some similarities to my father, but not all the traits that I migrate towards.
In order to adjust the gravitational pull that this type of man would exude, we must first recognize why it is unhealthy to pursue that type of relationship. In your example, it’s because the men tend to hold themselves at a distance. But that is not the actual issue in this scenario; the issue is because she feels that in his becoming affectionate, she’s losing the part of him that held the initial attraction.
What the person in this case needs to do is to allow herself to accept affection without feeling awkward or that the affection is false.
Unlearning behaviour is something that we do by placing ourselves in situations in which we are aware we will react a certain way, and forcing ourselves to go beyond our comfort level and react differently. The problem that occurs with this and is displayed by Pavlov for his classic conditioning is that if the person/animal is forced into a certain behaviour that is foreign, when they have the opportunity to revert to what is considered a natural state, they do so easily. So then we need to teach ourselves to think differently… to stop before reacting and to evaluate our response on a more logical level. It is only in cognizant understanding of our actions and reactions that we can begin to change the path that we normally travel.
In the case of the woman described… I would urge her to continue dating and to examine how she is reacting and how she would like to react… then to discuss this with a counselor… | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:56:59 PM |
It’s as though the universe is saying “here this is what you are before and after therefore I will give you the before and after type of men in your life too”
... All along I’m subconsciously labeling each behavior as good or bad depending on how it was greeted…’opening up’ translates as ‘needy’, with a painful outcome…and ‘aloof’ becomes ‘safe’ and successful…therefore I start judging others by this very same standard as well..so all along what I like and dislike in others is essentially what I like and dislike in myself.
It's cool, isn't it? I mean that. Really get how cool the realization is. In many ways, we're all fumbling along the wall in the dark, looking for the light switch, hoping that it actually is there. And when you hit it - bam! from dark into light. The awareness of what we're judging in others is actually ourselves is one of those things that I don't think you can successfully hide from yourself again. rather than Like/Dislike - try fear on for size.
~
This whole 'love yourself' stuff I think is a little off. I don't think it is love, perhaps in the conventional way people use love. What worked for me was acceptance; 'accept yourself' vs 'love yourself'. I found it very hard to get the concept "love yourself" when there were things about myself I either didn't like or recognized I wanted to change. What I could do was accept myself for where I was and accept my growth and be compassionate with myself when I had a backslide.
The other thing that worked for me was to throw everything "up for grabs"... no longer know myself. Be willing to re-question and reexamine everything I knew about myself. It seemed to loosen a log jam for me. I've found that to be true with my sweetie as well. Our relationship is so unlike any we have either had before, that we can't count on our previous reactions or what we "know" about ourselves. It's turned into a journey of self-discovery along with the discovery of another person. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:24:02 AM | With great difficulty and i fear the vast differences in how men and women are/think lead me to believe few of us humble slippers wearers will be every truly qualified to comment with great accuracy on this matter,,i shall cite briefly a daddy figure and mumsie (and she cheats me at wii golf *barey teeth smile)figure as a brief example and proffer no further depth other than to say its much more common trait in girls.
Tis not so much as behaviour more a subtle form of brainwashing carried out by the species perceived to be the big and strong un and righteous un - explains why you find yourself in an unusual cyclic pattern of casted behaviour - which is why i should go bk and amend the smoking bit of my profile, wicked muses with a sligh puff: not matter how big and strong a dad figure is in a girls life, yes ive twin sister..so i often really do know what i spake off) pah bloody extra brackets. Where was I
They are fallible and equally as wrong as they were right (wkd excludes equilibrium biased loonbots)..and mite often admit those brought under a protective umbrella are done so for no other reason than my pantaloons analogy of man beats chest.
That said, you have a new found self awareness which is stage 1. You know who and what you are, foibles and all, and your not looking to apportion blame which is stage 2 ( a journey someone we all know pointed out to me one time - 3 guesses * smiles)
Mind you if someone can explain to me why I like muffins and all thingies chocolate I am opening to listening.
So erm, as i seem unqualified to answer this truly- all us guys are, but some of us understand :), even a smidgeon
You are now self aware*
perhaps you should take iot from there whislt not ruling out all us blokes
*slipper note
self aware means exactly that it never means perfect or judgemental
totters of tot read what everyone else wrote :)
I thought i be more fun this way
lavishes hugs all round oi can we ad more emots admin | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:24:24 PM | ^^^^^
holy cow, Mitchener, Tolstoy, Tolkien, and Clancy at his most technical I felt less dense after reading.... (actually, only Clancy; the rest I had no problem with)
...maybe it's because I've gotten my brain so crammed with Favre circus speak today that I can't think straight, but I'm going to have to read this again. I'm bound and determined to get it (at least more than the two sentences I've figured out so far... :) | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:43:44 PM | Crazy/Rune, I knew some of the back story but in the little corner of our universe that seems every so often to get totally pissy from thread to thread, thank you very much for telling us more of the story and also illustrating quite well how your situation would not have worked without it being you two people.
Rune, not many people are designed, even if they are somewhat altruistic in their affection, to be as unconcerned about the walls as you were. Someone with a lesser constitution would have experienced your letter and continued his flight response rather than letting those overwhelming feelings come so that you could finally let them go.
Important also I think in your story is that for both of you, you cared about the other more than yourselves, a pretty rare ingredient.
One of Crazy's comments struck me, that he had to relearn everything about himself, that it wasn't that he was incapable of relationships but that the man having them needed to tweak himself about how he thought and felt about himself, the self-acceptance that Margo speaks of.
The other thing that worked for me was to throw everything "up for grabs"... no longer know myself. Be willing to re-question and reexamine everything I knew about myself. It seemed to loosen a log jam for me. I've found that to be true with my sweetie as well. Our relationship is so unlike any we have either had before, that we can't count on our previous reactions or what we "know" about ourselves. It's turned into a journey of self-discovery along with the discovery of another person.
Have you found then that you start reacting to something that would in other relationships have pissed you off and you just don't have anything to get steamed about? | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:57:35 PM | I've believed for a long time that one of the secrets to life is to create yourself as much as life created you. Didn't Schopenhauer call that your "intelligible character"? Sometimes I think that the most liberating thing about death would be to be free of all your cumbersome inheritances. Fact is, you never escape them entirely in this life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
I remember the great Argentinian writer Jorge Luis Borges remarking blind in his olden age how he had reached the point where he had grown tired of being Jorge Luis Borges. I'm about ready to foreclose myself, and sell it to the highest bidder. I'm not expecting much, if anything at all. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:58:37 AM |
Rune, not many people are designed, even if they are somewhat altruistic in their affection, to be as unconcerned about the walls as you were. I don't really see it as altruism -- I simply had no goal or agenda so there was no conflict, no idea of waiting, no idea of needing more from him. it wasn't that I set these things aside out of some great admirable act of self-sacrifice or anything -- it was that they weren't there because we simply related at the level we were at rather than being goal-orientated.
Important also I think in your story is that for both of you, you cared about the other more than yourselves, a pretty rare ingredient. Whilst in a developed relationship, this is true and, I believe, essential -- it would not a be a true impression of how we grew together. Of course I did not care more about a man I barely knew than about myself! But of course I did care about him as I would care about anyone: I don't believe anyone wants to hurt anyone else and that's easier when you are not being driven in a direction by pressing wants and perceived needs.
With the relearning, it was like false beliefs about self and relationship would fall away as they became evident to be untrue or unneeded. It was not a question of conscious work in the way that "tweaking" implies.
I can't stress how little effort was involved: it was just that relating to each other came naturally and growth seemed mainly due to the acceptance we found. The strength and peace that comes from having a safe place to be is quite remarkable. I think the world would be different if more of us had a safe place to be whatever we would be in any moment and to know it is okay. It is not always easy to communicate to a person that you have that to offer them -- too many people have learned to think in terms of give and take, compromise, sacrifice, goals.... and from that place of pressure and expectation, wreak destruction with each other. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 1:36:23 AM |
I don't really see it as altruism -- I simply had no goal or agenda so there was no conflict, no idea of waiting, no idea of needing more from him. it wasn't that I set these things aside out of some great admirable act of self-sacrifice or anything -- it was that they weren't there because we simply related at the level we were at rather than being goal-orientated.
I think it's amazing that someone can reach such level of not focusing on the end result. I honestly believe this is one of the hardest things to achieve when getting into a relationship. I'm truly fascinated with just how simplistic this concept sounds, relating to someone as they are, without having the end goal in mind....it really does sound effortless, yet we find it so hard to do. This is what I would call the true meaning of going with the flow.
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 2:08:37 AM |
I honestly believe this is one of the hardest things to achieve when getting into a relationship. I'm truly fascinated with just how simplistic this concept sounds, relating to someone as they are, without having the end goal in mind. The idea of "goal" in relationship is kind of misleading, I think. If you examine closely what you believe "goal" to mean, and keep asking yourself "but what does that really mean to me?", you might be surprised by its lack of substance or by the realisation that focusing on the goal is exactly what stops you being unable to arrive there. This applies to more things than relating, oddly (or not).
VVV *smiles* that was a breakthrough for me too. This moment is not disconnected from all others: thoughts of past and future do give meaning, but accepting the moment for what it is seems to be - helpful. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 2:36:58 AM |
The idea of "goal" in relationship is kind of misleading, I think. If you examine closely what you believe "goal" to mean, and keep asking yourself "but what does that really mean to me?", you might be surprised by its lack of substance or by the realisation that focusing on the goal is exactly what stops you being unable to arrive there. This applies to more things than relating, oddly (or not).
Perhaps "goal" isn't the right word to use, after all goals are meant to be measurable, achievable and constant focus and determination..sounds like a lot of effort. When I think of goal in terms of relationshp, I'm normally trying to picture a favorable outcome of what I want the relationship to be. You're right though, because even as I'm writting this post I'm thinking how focusing on where you want the relationship to go, the destination for lack of a better word is like saying "I'm not enjoying who you are today, but this is how i want you to be tomorow"... | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 9:08:25 AM | packagedealx3
I don't think either of us were being altruistic. We are people just like anyone else. The reason the relationship was not a goal for me was because i was so jaded and felt i was just not relationship material. I think my POF nickname was Lovisgone. Not very guru like if you ask me...
As far as flight we had nothing to run from. I think this is where people get confused. We didn't want to meet from the beginning we wanted to share out ideas about human nature, behaviour and relationship issues that we encountered on the forums. So what would there be to run from? Trust me if she would of shown signs of drawing me into a relationship i would of disappeared. So we are not so different from anyone else.
The tweaking is an interesting statement. Tweaking is what i had done to no avail for 12 years. What happened during our talks was simple realizations about myself that were so logical that i don't know why i didn't realize them before. If anything it was anti tweaking. Stopping the madness created by the incessant need to fix myself.
Do we get pissed at each other... hmmm I put a dirty rug on some curtains she bought... I think she was pissed and if i were her i would be to. We are a normal couple despite how people think how our life together may look. I get upset as well from time to time. We are just as human as anyone else. We get up and put socks on just like anyone else, one foot at a time. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 4:11:11 PM |
What happened during our talks was simple realizations about myself that were so logical that i don't know why i didn't realize them before.
I believe that even the most logical people struggle to find their own answers, because they're trying to reason with a conditioned mind. Hence why isolation is not the real answer.
Right now, I feel like a kid in a candy store, i really do. Like you Crazy, i've read so many books, trying to figure the whole puzzle out, and would get excited everytime a book referenced what I was going through, somehow I thought knowing the answers would solve my puzzle. But I now know that the information is only as good as what my conditioned mind interpreted it to be. The funny thing is, everything that you guys have shared on this thread, is something I should have known by reading all these books. I've given the same advice to so many people, however the only difference is, for the first time ever I now get it...it may seem like such a small thing to some, to just "relate to the person as they are" but for me, this has honestly been a real breakthrough...
I no longer feel a burden to have to change or fix anything about myself, I am me and I will continue to grow, and just like Margo said, I will throw everything up for grabs. I guess I was my own worse critic, it's no wonder I couldn't accept people for who they are when I couldn't accept me for me. I feel like such a hypocrite, here I was all along wanting to someone to relate to me as I was, yet I couldn't relate to them as they were.
Thank you so much for bringing clarity to someone that was blind. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 4:44:07 PM | Its called not-doing. You take the behaviour that you usually do and you reverse it.
So theres two ways to engage this
1) You start off by picking a man who is emotionally open rather than the distant ones youre attracted to, this has the effect of being a gentle yet boring healing as you learn how love can be and love heals the wound.
2) You pick someone whose distant and then you act distant, deliberately acting as if you arent needy even though you very much feel inside that you are, until it breaks the pivot point of your emotional stranglehold and you reach a point where you genuinely no longer feel needy.
1) is gentle and 2) is tough | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:01:09 PM | | ^^^^^^^ I think everyone is capable of being emotionally available when they're being appreciated for who they are and what they're available for. Ironically, it's when we focus on what they're unavailabilities are, is when they become unavailable. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:11:55 PM | To comment about reflection, we will always have a different perspective about ourselves than how others see us. One reason is because we KNOW why we said that, we KNOW why we felt that, we KNOW why we did that. At least we do when we stop to consider it, which we don't always do.
I think self reflection is good in moderation, it can be overdone. We can think so much that we become almost fearful to DO anything. I also think listening to what others say about is good in moderation. If we can take a little bit of both and do a type of overlay, then we will see what overlays (is common) and what doesn't.
As far as unlearning behavior, I think it's more a matter of relearning new behaviors, replacement behaviors. If we were to unlearn a behavior then there'd be a blank......if that makes sense. Behaviors are reactions to different stimuli, environment, other people, situations. To NOT react IS a reaction, but we don't just shut down a behavior per se.
I believe I read that it takes 21 days, 3 weeks, to learn a new habit. Habits are repeated behavior until it's reactionary, so if there's a behavior someone wanted to "unlearn" perhaps the best approach would be to practice a "new" replacement behavior. That to me, sounds like it would be more productive. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:03:56 PM | Dear Friends,
In many ways, Def's behaviouralist simplification is accurately descriptive of the neural transimission processes involved. The endogenous chemicals are, again oversimplified, histamine, acetylcholine, glutamate, aspartate, serine, γ-aminobutyric acid, epinephrine, nor-epinephrine, glycine,pre-gaba, dopamine, seratonin, melatonin, adenosine, among others which I forget in my old age.
By activating the chemical present in the pre-synaptic connexion, to the post synaptic thoughts, feelings, patterns, and so on become apparent to us, or behaviour occurs, or, at any rate - there is some change in brain function.
One changes these patterns, which are way too complicate to analyse at the moment, by intervention to change the movement between the transmitter and receptor neurons. This is rather like saying that lunar mission was fireworks with a metal pod on top, but the point is there are two or three basic methods to change transmission, i e, how we think, feel, react, act, and so on. The methods are basically changing response to stimulus, controlling stimulus through environmental change, controlling transmission via psychoactive reagents.
Now, if anyone on this site can explain exactly how the dopamine connects over the one billion cells to create the network between, for example, the frontal cortex and basal ganglia, we are patiently waiting. What we do know is that the inhibitive function of the frontal cortex, for instance, is transmitted, we can increase antagonism or protaganism with varying stimuli, received through senses or directly as psychotropic reagent. A very simply example is booze and the frontal cortex. Another simple example is exercise and depression.
So the neurophysiology is that the first method outlined by Dev is seratonergic, the second appears to be a affecting the limbic system, or has Dev said the first method gentle, the second hard.
However, the second is more likely to work, and can be supported with anxiolytics, anti-depressants, particularly effexor or mirtazepine, and mood stabilisers.
So, the answer is we unlearn the same way we learn, through neuroplastic change and neurochemical transmission. How we effectuate these is, however, a hugely complicated and arduous undertaking. So the how is somwhat clear but making the how happen is, like all psychological change, a difficult and painful task.
Love,
CdC | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:13:20 PM | Well I think a person sets the initial stage for someone who is hard to get so that they can have a challenge and gain the approval of someone who wouldn't ordinarily hand it out to them so they can actually prove that they are worthy in some way. Only you can really prove to yourself that you are worthy of attention.
This is not really about having a good relationship this is a separate issue .
It is about feeling worthy of attention and approval.
This is going to take a lot of positive self talk, a lot of diverting your mind from going to the negative.
Find something that you are really good at and explore it to the 9ths and then when you realize that other people think you are very good at it too and you are shocked you know it is you that is your own worst critic.
Someone could make a list of all the reasons that they would be a good partner.
Explore what is not comfortable to you like singing in public .
Develop a list of things that cause you fear and conquer it.
last but not least forgive yourself for your little imperfections no one is perfect.
Humans are fallible by design. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:13:31 PM | Well I think a person sets the initial stage for someone who is hard to get so that they can have a challenge and gain the approval of someone who wouldn't ordinarily hand it out to them so they can actually prove that they are worthy in some way. Only you can really prove to yourself that you are worthy of attention.
This is not really about having a good relationship this is a separate issue .
It is about feeling worthy of attention and approval.
This is going to take a lot of positive self talk, a lot of diverting your mind from going to the negative.
Find something that you are really good at and explore it to the 9ths and then when you realize that other people think you are very good at it too and you are shocked you know it is you that is your own worst critic.
Someone could make a list of all the reasons that they would be a good partner.
Explore what is not comfortable to you like singing in public .
Develop a list of things that cause you fear and conquer it.
last but not least forgive yourself for your little imperfections no one is perfect.
Humans are fallible by design. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:21:43 PM | I think the mere fact that you acknowledge that your behavior is not yielding the results you want is enough to get you well on the road to fixing the problem.
I met a nice couple a year ago who were telling me about a friend of theirs who kept meeting women, getting into relationships with them, and finding that the women would cheat on him. He eventually discovered why. He was attracted to the type of woman that he found "fun" -- spontaneous, adventurous, etc. And this type of woman is also the type that is much more likely to wander and not want to settle for just one guy.
So he decided he'd intentionally go looking for a woman that *wouldn't* initially catch his eye. He found one. She was a little bit quieter than he liked, and didn't like going out and having wild times like the women he was normally attracted to. But he gave her a chance, and eventually fell very much in love and they're married now. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:36:37 PM | Rune, altruistic was probably a poor word choice from a tired brain, I think perhaps the word selfless might be more accurate because you were not concerned about what you would get out of it, which was my thought when I used altruism, there was no personal gain for you. My brain keeps going back to the walls, they didn't aggravate you because having no agenda, you didn't give a flip if they came down.
Most of us know we SHOULD be like this but most of us cannot truly manage it even when we are trying. We can pretend it doesn't matter, act as if it doesn't matter, continue to be ourselves and in many ways provide the environment that you unintentionally created for crazy but the ability to be truly comfortable with that process? That was the part to me that was remarkable and what I think most people would consider selfless.
As far as the tweaking, my comment was back to Crazy's notion of unlearning everything he thought he knew about himself, Socratic thought at it's best, and perhaps it was Rune's ability to reflect you to yourself that allowed you to finally see what had eluded you for so long. Even though you were untweaking, you were still tweaking but getting back to a more essential you than you had ever known before?
As far as my comment about caring more about each other, my interpretation of your posts was that on Crazy's end, he had all this internal stuff going on, was building even unknowingly to a situation that would normally have sent him running but it seemed that his caring for you kept him from putting on the Nikes. For Rune, I assume that the letter that Crazy spoke of indicated that you had developed feelings and yet you were still concerned about his happiness even when you realized you might be hurt?
Obviously part of the key to the way you two came together was both of you thinking you never would until you got to the point that you were compelled to. No expectations. When people are not separated by an ocean I think most people have difficulty really formulating the type of friendship you described from which to then build the relationship.
We may sound all sappy about your relationship but I don't think we perceive you as all sunshine and rainbows just as we can appreciate Margo and DBB and know that they don't always get along. I mean hell, that gal can't even mop the kitchen floor in a timely fashion. Our hearts go out to Rune's curtains, giggle. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 10:00:41 PM |
As far as my comment about caring more about each other, my interpretation of your posts was that on Crazy's end, he had all this internal stuff going on, was building even unknowingly to a situation that would normally have sent him running but it seemed that his caring for you kept him from putting on the Nikes. No -- it wasn't that he cared for me that kept him running: it was that I didn't have an agenda for him to run from. It also wasn't building: I had the uncanny feeling from the day I first wrote that I could not be certain he'd reply or be there the next day. It didn't worry me -- we were only talking and I had a disclaimer posted on my profile that if someone got bored talking to me, I didn't need an excuse or reason, I was okay with them just stopping replying. No -- the on-the-edge of running was his natural state from the start, not something that built, but something that suddenly dissipated.
For Rune, I assume that the letter that Crazy spoke of indicated that you had developed feelings and yet you were still concerned about his happiness even when you realized you might be hurt? No, nothing like that: it would have been entirely inappropriate. It was just a response to whatever he'd shared with me the day before. I think we were talking about Reiki and he was explaining why he always asked permission to send energy, to see if the person was open and if it was worth bothering to send energy. I told him that I'd just send him energy whether it worked or not -- I had wanted to check that it wasn't unethical not to ask first or something. I don't remember exactly but it certainly was nothing like you imply which to me looks rather immature and emotionally manipulative.
We were still getting to know each other -- expressions of romantic attachment seem totally inappropriate when you clearly don't know the other person yet. There was no pushing like that. That's kind of the point. I think it must be very difficult to distinguish between pushing and allowing something to grow naturally for people who are ambitious, high achiever-types in all aspects of their lives.
One cannot truly share the development of a relationship, only basic ideas -- to understand you would have to experience it and it wouldn't work quite the same for you anyway because you are quite different from me, with different priorities, ideals and perspectives. However, I can't emphasise enough how important I believe it to be for anyone to take time getting to know the other person. If you don't know them well enough, declaring yourself to have feelings relating to being in relationship with them is really quite irresponsible. | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:50:37 PM |
I think we were talking about Reiki and he was explaining why he always asked permission to send energy, to see if the person was open and if it was worth bothering to send energy. I told him that I'd just send him energy whether it worked or not -- I had wanted to check that it wasn't unethical not to ask first or something.
Hello all,
After reading all four pages and seeing how each interaction between ourselves here translates into real life learning, I believe the quote above summarizes the best method for "Unlearning behavior": Energy. Not in a tit-for-tat sense but just constantly.
There have been many wonderful quotes in this thread and I would love to write them all down here so you can see how we all are converging on the same apex, but the practical application is far more easy to discuss than the meta-physical. I can only say that we all know the phrases "History repeats itself", as well as "We are bound to repeat our lessons (or mistakes) until we learn them."
The proper application then, is energy. Not in a push-pull kind of way, running, staying, building walls, tearing them down, but only the visualization of what you want your immediate environment to be. Not with some ulterior goal in mind, but more of the joy and peace of whether it works or not, as quoted above.
If you fail at the 'task', you have still applied energy to the equation, and so likewise, the remaining energy needed to resolve the repeat is now less. Eventually by simply projecting energy into your own explorations with each other, the mistake or perceived failure is neutralized and turned positive as well, even if it is only for this particular lesson. Stay open and receive from your environment at least the amount of energy you are putting into it and through time you will become strong enough and aware enough of which energies you need to block, that is, those which are attempting to neutralize your output to some degree.
If you are a theist, there is prayer.
If you are an agnostic, there is quantum theory.
If you are neither, simply stick your finger into a light socket to be enlightened.... | |
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| How do we Unlearn behavior?
Posted: 8/20/2009 9:14:44 AM |
When I think of goal in terms of relationship, I'm normally trying to picture a favorable outcome of what I want the relationship to be.
One of the things I did differently this time around was deliberately not have a goal. I knew I ultimately wanted to be in a great, loving relationship or not at all, but apart from that long range direction, I gave up being - or trying to be - the conductor on my own bus. I’ve written in other threads about this… not wanting to become A Relationship, not letting my thoughts about A Relationship either push me or pull me towards him or away from him. I thought “let’s just relate and we’ll see where we end up, and wherever we end up will be ok. If we relate well, we will naturally draw closer, if we don’t, we’ll naturally drift apart”.
Trust. People talk about trusting your gut, and I still haven’t got that one resolved for me. Yeah, sometimes the ‘gut’ is good… especially if we are really talking about listening to ones body rather than ones head. But sometimes it isn’t and can send one false information. I have a lot of crap floating around in there, a lot of fear based stuff that gives me warnings, but they are sometimes false warnings. Sometimes it is a warning that *this * is scary or uncomfortable, but that doesn’t necessarily make *this * a bad thing, sometimes it is just unfamiliar.
^^ My answer for this one? Time. In the fullness of time things become clear. Make a choice, see how it feels/works. If it’s the wrong one, get a do-over. It’s the only way, as far as I can tell, to feel ones way through the unfamiliar territory… especially if you have thrown everything “up for grabs”. I trust myself that I will handle the situation. I trust myself that I may have to muck around a bit before I figure it out.
Have you found then that you start reacting to something that would in other relationships have pissed you off and you just don't have anything to get steamed about?
I’m not sure how to answer this one, Package, so I’m thinking out loud here. Crazy has mentioned systems in other threads … in this case two people create a behavioural system between them. Much of our stuff isn’t triggered between us the way it has been in other relationships, so we don’t have some of the same reactions, or -perhaps more accurately - it doesn’t have the same intensity. Either way it’s very useful to see “self in play”.
The biggest difference I see is the reduced need for self-protection. Over time we have developed trust that the other won’t use information about us, or our reactions, against us. (Now in our house that doesn’t mean you’re not going to get teased about it later, but that doesn’t hit our vulnerable spots and oddly, makes it more ok to be ourselves – that bit clearly wouldn’t work for some other people). This allows a tremendous freedom to be who you are, reveal yourself – and examine yourself.
I mean hell, that gal can't even mop the kitchen floor in a timely fashion. LOL, I swear that man will never live that thread down! | |
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