| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 1:12:02 AM | If this isn't a troll post...? my oh my
I would actually marry her, and then when she wants it night after night rabbit fashion- say- I'm sorry babe- I DO love you, but I have a headache tonight. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 2:35:33 AM |  4 years and she needs 1-2 more.... Apparently she lost her mind somewhere in the school hallways. Or you have! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 2:39:23 AM | This is strange- no question. I've had friends who waited for marriage, but they all got married in their early twenties, after fairly short engagements. I also have no concrete proof that they did in fact, wait. 
Aside from the fact that she doesn't seem at all willing to compromise to help meet your needs, I do wonder about a person who seems to be content to go without sex voluntarily, for years on end.
If she really is that uninterested in sex, it seems unlikely that she would change very much after marriage. Either she has a really low sex drive, or she is dealing with the fallout from past abuse or trauma.
So yes, I'd say that no sex ever is more than enough cause to end the relationship. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 4:33:35 AM |
Okay, I know that I am so totally in the minority on this one, but we really don't have all the details of your situation.
I am not saying that it is okay to have to wait that long for sex....but there could be another reason. She is working on her Masters degree, which could be causing her a lot of stress. Extreme stress will interfere with her libido, along with depression, being overweight, and a lot of other things.
The other thing that strikes me as odd is that she is laughing off your complaint, but not for the same reason as everyone else. I tend to look for the deeper meaning to things and pay attention to the smaller details. Has it occurred to anyone here that she has some dark secret from her past, such as being raped or molested that is interfering with her libido? And laughing it off is not necessarily her way of being cruel, but her way of trying to avoid the subject because she is uncomfortable with it in general?
If that is the case, then I would recommend that she speak with a therapist or a doctor of some sort. If she really does love you she would want to work out these issues in order to keep your relationship strong.
Just some thoughts that it seems no one else is considering here.
Good luck. I would say that if this is the situation and she is not willing to work on her issues, then you do need to move on, but before you do, sit down with her and try to figure out why she is so uncomfortable with the subject in general.
I appreciate your attempts to look outside the box, and I completely agree that we don't know the whole story.
However, the fact that it's been 4 years pretty much nullifies most of the points you brought up.
She hasn't been in graduate school for 4 years, she's known him for 9 years so if there was an "I've been raped before" issue it should have come out by now, and ultimately, if she's that incapable of being open and honest with him after knowing him for almost a decade, there's more wrong here than just her unwillingness to spread her legs for him (whether that be psychological issues on her part, or a lot of mistrust in the relationship due to lack of communication). | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:17:32 AM |
This is strange- no question. I've had friends who waited for marriage, but they all got married in their early twenties, after fairly short engagements.
Just had to say this is a big reason why I'm against the wait until marriage mentality. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:33:10 AM | | amen sister...short and sweet answer..she sounds like she is not willing to meet your needs in any capacity. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:52:08 AM | I'm gonna get flamed for this I think but, here it goes.....
Seek sexual pleasure outside this relationship. But, be weary of any emotional attachments that women may develop because they think you WANT to have sex with them instead of NEEDING to have sex with them and also use protection. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:55:15 AM | WTHECK do I do? I have told her that I am loosing attraction to her and I am beyond horny, to which she laughs.
she laughs? she LAUGHS?? well she's sure got you on the short leash don't she? lol. here's something to think about: if that's been the case for 4 (count 'em, four) years, what makes you think that's going to change even after you reach the holy grail of getting that first piece of ass.... um.... another two years from now?
so you're faced with a few choices:
1. either you are essentially compromising yourself as well as the relationship just to get your "needs" met; or
2. you continue on with the status quo of the current relationship while recognizing the dynamic of the thing is a whole lot more like rigid control and a complete unwillingness to compromise, reach out, or even discuss on her part; or
3. you continue on with the current relationship while working to change the dynamic (i.e., REQUIRING that you reach a mutually acceptable agreement; but i'm betting, not likely to be an acceptable solution to her!); or
4. you leave her, at which point she will have a completely hysterical hissy fit because she will claim that you're leaving her for a very shallow & superficial reason (i.e., "sex") while at the same time she's unwilling or unable to accept the larger and uglier yet more subtle truth that any relationship she's going to have with you will ultimately be based primarily on HER terms.
personally, i'd try door #3 first and if that doesn't work, door #4. just sayin'. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 6:17:11 AM | | If this woman is so stressed from getting her masters, then a little sex would work wonders (for the both of you). Whining isn't going to solve the problem though. You actually have to sit down with this woman and discuss the matter. Maybe she's sexually frigid. Or she could be cheating on you. Either way, she should have some respect for your needs. Having sex with someone else won't solve your problems with your woman. Either make some sort of compromise or get out of the relationship. OR you could get her drunk like a previous poster suggested! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 6:38:14 AM | | Well it's obvious you made up your mind... you bring up loving her, but in reality you love yourself and your "needs" more... do her a favor and move on... she has goals and dreams and you can't respect that or her for that matter... to air your dirty laundry here and disrespect her like this all on the basis of "sex"...you should be ashamed...I sure as heck wouldn't want to be married to you... I guarantee you, after she saw this, she wouldn't either...!! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:11:18 AM | Wow! Hold on - gotta go tell my sweetie no more sex until I get my replica of the Taj Mahal built. Oh, and then no sex until I'm done writing my series of novels. And then, no sex until I've reno'd the kitchen.
What I fail to see is how having goals means an automatic preclusion of sex. Do all post-secondary students put off sex until grad? My, how things have changed since my college days.
I also fail to see how he disrespected her in the OP.
Ashamed? For what? Wanting to be intimate with the woman he loves? For being tempted? Where is there honour without temptation?
The guy came here for help, not chastisement.
Personally, I don't know a single person who would wait as long as he has.
I think that to lambaste a person on having "needs" (why the parentheses?) that are are natural and inescapable is mean-spirited and agenda-driven. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:20:28 AM | DBB...
He made the choice...he knew what he was in for and now realizes he can't handle it and wants everyone here to feel pity for him and say it's ok to go and get his needs fulfilled....! He's got his hand for that...if he truly loves her as he says he does than it is very disrespectful of him to come here looking for pity when he knew what he was up against to begin with...
My ex waited a year....granted it's not four years he had to wait...but he knew where I stood on the matter and respected that...this man didn't wait 4 years without knowing what he was up against...He's feeling weak and wants affirmation to cheat...!! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:32:59 AM | Hukle -
Agreed, he made his choice. And now he is discovering that he is human and facing a Herculean challenge. He is discovering his weaknesses, which we all have. As for having his hand for that...well then who among us needs anybody then, other than double-amputees?
Yeah, he wants our sympathy, not pity. Pity is condescending whereas sympathy is supportive. He admits he is tempted. He is looking for strength. Or perhaps clarity. Could well be that part of his decision-making process involves verbalizing.
As for airing dirty laundry (an interpretation I disagree with, but that's what forums are about), what would we all do if nobody did that? Whose threads would be left?
Perhaps I am naive. Oh, hell, I know I often am. But I don't see some weak, philandering jackasz. I see a man with pain and confusion looking for guidance.
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:39:22 AM |
He made the choice...he knew what he was in for and now realizes he can't handle it and wants everyone here to feel pity for him and say it's ok to go and get his needs fulfilled....! He's got his hand for that...if he truly loves her as he says he does than it is very disrespectful of him to come here looking for pity when he knew what he was up against to begin with...
My ex waited a year....granted it's not four years he had to wait...but he knew where I stood on the matter and respected that...this man didn't wait 4 years without knowing what he was up against...He's feeling weak and wants affirmation to cheat...!!
I don't think anyone will give him that affirmation. Realistically there is NO WAY he could know how long she wanted to wait. She wanted to be settled down, guess what, he said he IS ready for that, SHE wants to wait till she graduates.
She's holding him hostage sexually. I'm sorry, 4 MONTHS is crazy, 4 YEARS is fekkin insane.
Your ex waited a year? A YEAR? All that tells me is that there is a woman out there that cares more about her "rules" than her partners needs. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:52:58 AM |
Wow! Hold on - gotta go tell my sweetie no more sex until I get my replica of the Taj Mahal built. Oh, and then no sex until I'm done writing my series of novels. And then, no sex until I've reno'd the kitchen.
What I fail to see is how having goals means an automatic preclusion of sex. Do all post-secondary students put off sex until grad? My, how things have changed since my college days.
I "Think" her point wasn't that she had to finish all this before they had sex.
Rather that she had to finish before they got married & obviously to her sex is a preclusion of marriage.   Ok ok there's nothing wrong with that, if that's your thing! 
I am very questionable that she laughs at Op when confronted about this, though we don't know the whole story there. However, I do know & think it's pretty ridiculous that Op would actually say to her, " I am loosing attraction to her and I am beyond horny". Laughing off the "beyond horny" is somewhat understandable when she seemingly doesn't give a crapola about his libido & perhaps hasn't one herself. But but but! To laugh off him saying that he is "loosing attraction to her"... Wth is wrong with her for laughing at that?
And and and! Wth is wrong with him for saying that to her? Lowest of low blow, desperate attempts at sex? No matter, this statement alone makes me not give a crapola if this guy is looking for pity or sympathy, help or whatever. That blew it for me... | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:55:54 AM | I watched a skit on TV once. A guy picked up his date, and the father sternly told the young man that he expected his daughter home by midnight. The young man replied "No problem, if it looks like I'm not getting anywhere, I'll have her home by ten!"
I once had a young woman I was very interested in tell me she wanted to wait, and I told her that wouldn't be a problem. I was thinking 2-3 months while we got to know each other better. Twenty minutes later she crawled in my bed and woke me up. I think she just needed to know I cared enough about her that I would wait, and wasn't looking for a one night stand.
You have a whole different situation. After a few months I would have been looking elswhere. You don't torture people you love that way. Listen to these people. They are right. You don't count. Only what she wants matters. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:00:06 AM |
Personally, I don't know a single person who would wait as long as he has.
Nor do I! Hell - If I were dating a man and he didn't show Some of that "I want you Now!" .. there's no friggin way I'd wait 4 months let alone 4 years! holicrap .. If we were seeing each other on a fairly regular basis - 4 weeks is plenty long enough to "test drive" that baby! lol ..
All that tells me is that there is a woman out there that cares more about her "rules" than her partners needs.
Agreed. I would also have to question the 'reason' behind those "rules"?? Seriously - IF She loves him and he loves her and they've been together allllll those years - What is she "Really" waiting for? 'She' told him she was waiting for marriage - He is prepared to give her that .. He has already Given her allll kinds of time.. blahblahblah .. Sounds to me like it's all about Her and what She wants with no regard for him, his needs, wants OR his feelings for that matter ...
She Laughed at him when he expressed his 'need'?? I smell a rat, a big fat not very nice rat ..
and who said "sex is overated"???? holibatcrap!! Only someone who's gettin 'too much' (or doin it wrong!) would make that sort of comment! Sex is Not over rated! ..
OP - Why does she want to wait? and Why are you putting up with someone who has such little regard for You?
I have to agree with GSB (post 2) - Go Get Some!
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:01:20 AM |
She's holding him hostage sexually. I'm sorry, 4 MONTHS is crazy, 4 YEARS is fekkin insane.
I love that men feel women have that much power as to hold them "hostage" using sex... if that's the case you are claiming you are the weaker sex...it's called having self-control and will power...try it sometime...!!
Your ex waited a year? A YEAR? All that tells me is that there is a woman out there that cares more about her "rules" than her partners needs
My "rules"...lol.... wouldn't it have been just as selfish for him to want me to sacrifice my beliefs... ?? Would he have respected me more to have given in to his selfish desires or "needs"...!! He loved and respected me...because of this he chose to wait with me...and he never regretted that decision or felt I was being insensitive to his needs...!!! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:09:38 AM | Wanting to remain a virgin until marriage is fine.....IF your partner is in the same boat. It is quite clear that you are not a virgin as you have a child/children and, so have experienced sex and the urges it brings. Your g/f is very naive and not to mention SELFISH!
Four years should be long enough to determine whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, which makes me wonder how marriage can possibly affect her career goals?
Are you two living together?.....Please say No and give me a reason as to why marriage would affect her career. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:10:09 AM | Don't wait, thinking that at some given moment later on she is going to cross over, or get married and have sex. This woman is asexual and while today the excuse is she is going to finish her masters, next it will be, she has a headache or needs another degree.
Move on dude. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:11:21 AM |
Well it's obvious you made up your mind... you bring up loving her, but in reality you love yourself and your "needs" more... do her a favor and move on... she has goals and dreams and you can't respect that or her for that matter... to air your dirty laundry here and disrespect her like this all on the basis of "sex"...you should be ashamed...I sure as heck wouldn't want to be married to you... I guarantee you, after she saw this, she wouldn't either...!!
That about sums it up. Sex is only as important as you make it. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:17:43 AM | You've already wasted enough time!! Four years wow!
Just show her this post!!!
One of two things would happen...
1) She's gonna cry and and then break up with you!
2) She's gonna cry...think about it...hopefully realize she's missing out ..then wanna take a ride on your Disco stick!
Either way you win right? | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:33:17 AM | I can't see that either is wrong here. Until the OP comes back in and adds some clarification, this seems to be one of those situations where both are right in their pov and need to find a way to accommodate each other or change their situation.
We may not (some of us) agree with waiting until marriage, but who can say her beliefs are wrong? He agreed with this, but it is likely he never imagined it would be four years, and I'm am sure the prospect of another two is deflating at the least. So I can't say his experience of this is wrong either.
Is he "just" speaking of fornication? Or is there a lack of anything sexual? Is there a lack of shared intimacies?
I'm imaging myself in this situation, and I suspect I might find it hard to maintain attraction for my partner over this length of time. I think the "lack of" puts us in an emotional desert and you'd start to slide into friend zone. Regardless, he is starting to lose attraction for her... the responsible thing is to discuss it with her. They need to find a solution to that or the relationship is doomed. I don't view it as manipulation to attempt to gain sex, although she might well view it that way, at least initially.
Sex is only as important as you make it.
True. Some might view that sex is recreation or about getting your rocks off (in which case, masturbation is a solution). For others, sex might be a significant expression of love. The lack of it in a relationship over time creates an emotional desert or wasteland... dry and virtually lifeless. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 8:35:46 AM | I love that men feel women have that much power as to hold them "hostage" using sex... if that's the case you are claiming you are the weaker sex...it's called having self-control and will power...try it sometime...!!
Interesting, so you argue that we're the weaker sex because we don't rape women we are sexually interested in? Or because we respect women enough to let sex go on her timeline to make sure she's comfortable? Self control or willpower? My girlfriend views POF forums all the time, send her a message, she was PISSED at how long i waited.
My "rules"...lol.... wouldn't it have been just as selfish for him to want me to sacrifice my beliefs... ?? Would he have respected me more to have given in to his selfish desires or "needs"...!! He loved and respected me...because of this he chose to wait with me...and he never regretted that decision or felt I was being insensitive to his needs...!!!
Yes it would have, but the difference is HE DIDN'T and YOU DID. He put YOUR needs before his own, and you put YOUR need to feel in control or have your "beliefs" intact over HIS physical needs. He sacrificed because he loved and respected you. To label wanting physical intimacy as "selfish" is ignorant as f*** when HE was the one that was sacrificing to make YOU happy.
I can guarantee he did feel you were being insensitive to his needs. Would he tell you? I can also bet he'd tell me over a beer that he thought it was too long to wait. | |
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