| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:00:38 AM |
I say that she holds it in higher regards because she wants to be married before having sex and it is important to her and she knows or I am assuming she views sex as something not to be taken lightly. How many threads have you read about unwanted pregnancies, STDs, abortions?
And i'm saying just because she wants to wait that doesn't mean she views it as something to "be taken seriously" and i don't because i'm not going to.
You have it all wrong. You sound like the boyfriends I had in highschool who used to tell me, "if you love me you'll do it". It is important to her to wait until marriage, so why should she sacrifice her beliefs just to hold onto some guy. And who's to say if she did give in to his demands, that the relationship will last?
Do I now? So using logic, explain to me how YOU saying "if you love me you'll wait" is ANY different from me telling you "if you love me you won't wait". Why should he sacrifice his sex life just to hold onto some girl, and who's to say if he DOES wait that the relationship will last? She has a right to say she wants to wait, he has a RIGHT not to get chastized as an uncaring **stard because he doesn't want to.
Ok, yes he is sacrificing himself because sex is greatly important to him. However, he made that choice. Was this something she just sprung on him? Was she sexually active before they got together? Who knows. The OP did say they knew each other for a couple of years, so my guess is if she was virginal back then, he would have to know she would be virginal now.
She also made a choice. Was a MAN wanting sex a new idea that was sprung on her? Was he sexually active before they got together? Who knows. The OP did say they knew each other for a couple of years, so my guess is if he was active back then, she would have to know he'd want to be active now.
I'm not, repeat NOT saying she has to give in. I AM saying that he shouldn't be chastized for wanting sex, and after waiting 4 YEARS, let me restate that 4 YEEEEARS for them to "settle down" which he is willing to do, she throws the graduation wrench into the picture and he feels cheated. He invested FOUR years, 4!!!! of abstinance in this girl and you guys make it sound like he's an uncaring little shit because he's not walking around thanking her for holding him sexually hostage. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:03:27 AM |
And who's to say if she did give in to his demands, that the relationship will last?
Conversely, who's to say that if they wait a further two years that the relationship will last? They have no idea if there is sexual compatibility because they haven't had sex. The fact that she laughs at him for expressing that he's sexually frustrated isn't the best sign of someone who cares all that much one way or the other, for either sex or his feelings when he expresses himself.
and it would be ashame to have invested that much time to just "ditch" her now...!!
...and conversely, again, it would be a shame for him to live his life in frustration and invest even more time with the possibility of her keeping on putting him off with respect to marriage until she keeps completing her goals. Will her goals keep changing?
You have to look at this from both sides of the coin instead of just one. Both have to firmly decide what they're willing to cope with - her ultimately deciding she will have premarital sex and being able to live with that decision, or him ultimately deciding he will wait for at the very least six years before their relationship changes to include another level of intimacy that includes sex. It's a weighty decision on both people's parts. Neither one is wrong for feeling the way they feel. They just have to decide if each is willing to sacrifice their own feelings for the other person's sake. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:14:22 AM | | Seems like she is using education to avoid intimacy and getting married. Give her an ultimatum of getting married now rather than two years from now. Why can't she continue to get her Masters and be married at the same time. Plenty of people continue their education after marriage. If she won't marry you, I'd ditch her. I'm just surprised that you haven't already. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:20:51 AM | If it were me, I wouldn't stay in this relationship. It's too one sided.
I have told her that I am loosing attraction to her and I am beyond horny, to which she laughs. This lady disrespects for what the dude wants. I'm all for people who want to be virginal brides and grooms, but you don't stretch out the pre-marital relationship unnecessarily if you have this sort of belief.
OP, stick around for two years and develop indigo balls if you want to risk being married to a quite possibly asexual woman who might be incapable of reciprocating healthy feelings back to you. It's clear she seems self-centered. Is this the kind of woman you want to be married to for the rest of your life? | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:23:25 AM | | You do not have the RIGHT to sex... if you can find someone who wants to have sex with you then you can have sex. You cannot FORCE someone to have sex with you. The law CAN enforce laws to prevent discrimination in regards to housing. You cannot tell me which house to live in, however you cannot prevent me from living in a particular house if its based on a reason that contravenes my RIGHTS. The law can also enforce your RIGHT to free speech. I agree people don't have to listen to what you say but they cannot legally prevent you from saying it. That is what makes the difference between a RIGHT and an expectation or desire. A RIGHT has the force of law behind it, therefore, nobody has a RIGHT to sex. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:27:49 AM | I think the jury has returned their verdict on this one. I will leave you with this anxiety, though. What if some other man comes along out of the blue and somewhat suddenly and seductively triggers some anti-inhibition mechanism within her psyche that was previously unbeknownst to her? Think about it. This guy gets in the blink-of-an-eye what you've been waiting years for.
Such a thought would raise a "manhood alert" in my mind. I might never recover from such a thing. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:38:18 AM |
Do I now? So using logic, explain to me how YOU saying "if you love me you'll wait" is ANY different from me telling you "if you love me you won't wait". Why should he sacrifice his sex life just to hold onto some girl, and who's to say if he DOES wait that the relationship will last? She has a right to say she wants to wait, he has a RIGHT not to get chastized as an uncaring **stard because he doesn't want to.
The difference is because it is her body. If she doesnt want to give in to premarital sex than she shouldnt be forced or belittled because of it. It is her body. Maybe she doesnt trust his sexual prowless before her? He could have an STD. Unlikely, but possible. Some STD's lay dormant and you would never know you had it without testing for it. Maybe he has been tested and he is fine. But what about pregnancy. It has been debated before, but the only 100% sure way not to get pregnant is abstinence. There are condoms, the pill, there's a patch, diaphram, etc, but they are not 100% effective. Of course I do think unless you arent using the products right, pregnancy is slim. But it CAN happen. Maybe she thinks that there are other things in a relationship that are more important than sex. Sex is important to me in a relationship, but before that I think compatibility, ability to make each other laugh, the ability and understanding of someone's faults, the want and desire to care for the other person and help the other person are more important. What if the Op did get married to this girl and they had an active love life for 15 years and all of a sudden the OP wasnt able to preform anymore. It could be he was in a horrific accident and left a quadreplegic or he was impotent or whatever. Would he expect his wife of 15 years to stay by his side, or would he expect and understand her divorcing him because he can no longer satisfy her physically?
She also made a choice. Was a MAN wanting sex a new idea that was sprung on her? Was he sexually active before they got together? Who knows. The OP did say they knew each other for a couple of years, so my guess is if he was active back then, she would have to know he'd want to be active now.
True, they both made a choice. However, this seems to be a real personal and moral issue for her. I just dont think you should sacrifice your beliefs for someone. For instance, I believe in God and waiting until marriage. You dont, and you want to date me. Do I have a right to force my religious beliefs on you? No. Do I have a right to tell you what I believe and if you want to date me, you must have the same belief or be open to my beliefs? Yea, I have that right. Just like you have the right to tell me you dont believe in God and if I want to date you, I cant believe in him. I wont sacrifice my beliefs just to be with you just like I dont expect you to sacrifice your beliefs to be with me. Without knowing the girl or the OP, I am assuming he knew her beliefs and how strongly she believed in them so he is the dumb ass for choosing to be with her in the first place. And before you say it, yes you can assume that the girl knew he believed in premarital sex and she is as equally as dumb for choosing to be with him also. However, she isnt the one on these boards complaining and contemplating cheating or dumping him for his "beliefs". | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:41:52 AM | You don't have a RIGHT to live in my house. Your missing what rights are, they are basic liberties that CAN NOT be taken away. You have a right to PURSUE happiness, not TO happiness itself.
All a right has in terms of force of law is the INABILITY to take it away. I can't take away your freedom of speech, your freedom of religion. The Law doesn't mandate that you HAVE housing or religion, only that you not have it taken from you based on whatever guideline.
You can't take my right to have sex with a willing participant. Hell i think one could even argue it's protected under the first ammendment. (agreed sex is a stretch for freedom of expression but still)
My only point has always been you have no right to judge him for wanting sex, it's his right to pursue it if and when he chooses.
Everyone has the right to sex. For me its part of the pursuit of happiness. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:43:12 AM | | To clarify, the op has not "been with" this girl for 4 years. He has just known a girl for four years that he is trying to f*ck. You are not considered a couple or item or real relationship unless you relate to each other the way a man and a woman are supposed to--which is by having sex. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:52:30 AM |
The difference is because it is her body. If she doesnt want to give in to premarital sex than she shouldnt be forced or belittled because of it
His body is involved too. Should he be belittled because he doesn't want to give in to waiting? As for pregnancy, sure there is a risk there, but when will that end? Do people who don't want children NEVER have sex? My contention isn't (and never has) been that she should be belittled for waiting, its that HE should have the option to say thats not good enough. This has been posted by me OVER AND OVER in this thread. The difference is, i'm not bashing her, i'm PROTECTING him from you guys jumping him for being a jerk when really he's the one thats sacrificed and fallen on his sword.
I also think sex isn't the most important thing, but are you going to hold back your sense of humor or witty banter before marriage? "oh i'm sorry, i don't enter political discussions till i'm married". "sorry, i'm a FIRM believer in no knock knock jokes until married, you have to know me better before we are THAT intimate".
If they had an active sex life for 15 years and was quadrapreplegic i would expect him to man up and satisfy her without penetration. Just because he can't have sex, doesn't mean he can't do everything within his power to satisfy.
She wants to wait for marriage, he WANTS TO MARRY HER and she is YET AGAIN pushing back the deadline till its comfortable for her, with little to no regard for him, his feelings OR his sexual needs. And all you can think about is how much of a****he is because he after 4 years of celebacy is frustrated. She LAUGHED at him when he brought up his concerns, why aren't you bashing her for being insensitive? If she laughed at his emotional pain you'd say she's heartless, but because it's sex, you say it's her belief and thats a get out of jail free card? I think not. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:53:02 AM |
To clarify, the op has not "been with" this girl for 4 years. He has just known a girl for four years that he is trying to f*ck. You are not considered a couple or item or real relationship unless you relate to each other the way a man and a woman are supposed to--which is by having sex.
I really pity you men who feel this way...soo sad really.... so tell me how do you relate when sex is no longer an option...!!! I guess we can assume to bury you on that day....??
Hmmm...wonder why so many of you are single...lmao....nevermind , i know...to you it's a choice....just haven't found that special someone that is quick to satisfy your every sexual desire at your whim....
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:54:19 AM | SEXCI SINEMILLA: That's pretty good, that's what I said to a fella and he said ok, guess what? Nothing happened, he bailed. Oh well, I guess his talk was cheap.  | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:57:20 AM |
Is she TRULY a virgin or just one of those hypocritical 'everything but' girls?
Sounds like this poor guy could use a little "everything but" right about now lol | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:59:41 AM | To clarify. Big Pacific, he said he was "ready"...he never claimed he proposed...
Yes, she laughed, and it would be considered disrespectful...but I feel we aren't getting the whole story... I picture him running over to her like Jack Tripper would in "Three's Company"...lol... Heck, I'd laugh too....
Has he approached it in a serious manner...no...even here he takes non-chalant approach with only a portion of the story...so we are left to infer....I haven't seen him come back to defend himself or her for that matter...just posts and runs...where are our answers..?? | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:02:14 PM | What good would a proposal do when she told him she wouldn't be ready untill she graduated in 2 years?
I'm basing my posts on the information given, theres always three sides to a story, his version, her version and the truth.
As for him not coming back, a valid point indeed. More information is definately required. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:02:31 PM | | "they are basic liberties that CAN NOT be taken away". You are absolutely right...and that is exactly what I was arguing. I said...If you can find someone who is willing to have sex with you then you can have sex. If you cannot find someone who is willing...you cannot force it on them... because they have a right to the security, safety and control of their own body...that would be their basic liberty that cannot be taken away. I never chastized him, in fact I said, he has a right to end that relationship if he feels that they are too incompatible. I also said that he has no need to feel guilty about it. It is his right to be in a relationship with someone who he IS compatible with, and his right to NOT be in one with someone who doesn't have the same wants, desires and goals. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:04:26 PM | [QUOTE]She wants to wait for marriage, he WANTS TO MARRY HER and she is YET AGAIN pushing back the deadline till its comfortable for her, with little to no regard for him, his feelings OR his sexual needs. And all you can think about is how much of a****he is because he after 4 years of celebacy is frustrated.[/QUOTE]
She wants to finish school first, what is so wrong with that? If I had been smart about it, I should have waited until I finished school before I got married. Not because I didnt love my husband, but I didnt finish school when I should have. Maybe she is on some kind of financial assistance for school and getting married now would hinder her ability to continue to receive that financial assistance? That is what happened to me. As soon as I got married, the amount I received in financial aid dwindled. I still received aid, but because I was married, I was now considered a two person income family and they took my husband's income into consideration.
I can imagine him being frustrated. But did he think that he would be able to change her mind when she felt that strongly about something? Maybe he didnt count on it taking 4 years, and sounds like another 2 years before they got married.
I dont think he is a jerk for wanting sex. I think he is a jerk for contemplating cheating on this girl, someone who he supposedly loves, just because he isnt getting laid. If he wants to be in a sexual relationship and it is so important to him, then i dont think he loves this girl as much as he says he does and he should end the relationship first before he looks for someone else. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:07:57 PM | Bigpacific has a really good point. Why is the OP being dumped on because he's been together with someone for 4 YEARS and wants to be with her sexually? If I were him I wouldn't stay; from what he's described she's not taking him seriously. If she cared about him at all she'd hear him out, not laugh at him.
My advice to the OP: If you absolutely love this woman then you'll just have to wait. But be mindful of the fact that she's not taking your feelings/needs into consideration or seriously enough. Sounds selfish to me. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:13:35 PM | Best case, with the information provided the love isn't reciprocal from her. Worst case? She's getting her loving to go. Either way it's a lose for a guy thats been faithful for 4 years of abstinance.
I'd take when and where's advice, but be mindful that from what you've posted what she's feeling isn't love. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:21:37 PM |
Bigpacific has a really good point. Why is the OP being dumped on because he's been together with someone for 4 YEARS and wants to be with her sexually? If I were him I wouldn't stay; from what he's described she's not taking him seriously. If she cared about him at all she'd hear him out, not laugh at him
whenandwhere, I dont believe we are dumping on the OP for being patient for 4 years, the problem I have with the OP is 1) he KNEW she was virginal(i'm assuming) before he got with her and 2) he said he was being tempted to cheat on her. If he wanted sex and he made his feelings known to her and she either didnt care, or wasnt going to budge on her beliefs (which noone should do), then he needs to get out of the relationship. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:26:04 PM | I don't get waiting till mariage to have sex. That's just really unfortunate. I guess the only positive is that you would never know what you are missing and you won't get any std's.
Having morals and wanting to find the right person is one thing. But waiting years and years to have sex until marriage is just a person who is brainwashed by religion or is too immature to handle grown up stuff like sexual relationships.
Also, unless the woman in question is REALLY hot, which I doubt, then what is the allure that is keeping the op with her after all these years? | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:35:24 PM | | lol.. really u have to ask???? go get some action then leave her!! she has the nerve to laugh at it like its a joke... come on man go bust a nut!! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:39:55 PM |
I don't get waiting till mariage to have sex
Sex should be something sacred between two people who share a deeper rooted passion and chemistry....a special bond...!
People treat it so casually these days....what's your bonding trait now...your good looks...your intelligence....your sense of humor...your charisma...what?? When I give myself my partner knows it's because I truly love him and only him...not every Tom, Di ck...and Harry....!!!
Sex, to me, isn't just physical...it's emotional as well...so in essence you are giving that special person your mind, body, and soul....it should be cherished...not taken for granted...
Viewing a relationship as purely sexual is immature....not the other way around... | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/19/2009 12:50:08 PM | Just because it's not for you doesn't mean its a bad idea. Waiting till marriage is a HORRIBLE idea for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have merit.
I think there would be a lot less divorce if everyone waited till marriage, sexual experience makes it harder not easier. You've tasted a LOT more fruit, your a LOT more likely to be unsatisfied with the person you emotionally bond with. If you never knew any better, would more marriages last?
I guess my biggest problem with you huklebry is that you assume that yours is the only relationship model that works. Just because i didn't wait till marriage doesn't mean i was "casual". It's insulting that you think your better than us that we "gave in" to our "baser" desires. Why should sex be what your definition is, what if i don't think it's sacred, what if i think it's like Capn Crunch, there for all to enjoy?
I guess i just wish you'd say in your relationships you handle sex that way, and not try to preach sexual morality to the masses.
Viewing a relationship from only one angle is always immature, no matter what side of the aisle your sitting on. | |
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