| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 2:20:55 PM | The sad thing about this thread is assuming the OP is telling the truth is, he's a jerk off thats needs his ass beaten, what kind of bullsh1t is this.
First thing since we dont know anything about the finance its not a good idea to assume anything, and the fact that you are advertising your intimate details to the general public tells me what type of person you are.
Only she knows why she chose to stay a virgin and I would like to point out that holding on to one's virginity could be a matter of morals or religious conviction only in some cases. In others, it's a matter of unattractiveness (physical and/or personality-wise), fear, brainwashing, lack of sexual desire, unrealistic expectations about sex, or psychological damage. Yes, yes, there are many people out there who do not have sex because they were indoctrinated by their parents to believe "sex is dirty." Sex is dirty only if you let it be that way: no one who are selective about their partners and have loving relationships will ever tell you sex is dirty. Anyone who thinks sex is dirty, virgin or non-virgin, is mentally unstable.
In my opinion you're not in love with her, i think you were at one point and now you're a horny bugger that wants to get his banana dipped but you forgot one thing, what are you going to do if and when that day comes when she decides to give in to your demands and the sex isnt good( in your opinion) what next Romeo? | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 2:27:47 PM | Can' t be stuffed reading 9 pages.
My quick answer is this:
If she's held you hostage waiting to finish her degree, it is obviously more important to her.
Once she has the degree, she will hold you hostage over her CAREER!!!
Her career will be more important.
I know plenty of housewives with a degree, who do nothing more than stay at home and be a mother.
Move on my friend. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:12:43 PM | Rich sexual life will probably bring you more brain power for your studies. This implies your girl isn't a good student?
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:16:42 PM | | p.s. when is say "rich" i never mean promiscuous, but rather great sex with your beloved partner. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:22:06 PM | | If your going to cheat break it off with her. If youve been with her for more than 9 years you clearly knew her wishes, you told the poor girl you were loosing your attraction to her? What is wrong with you. You say your willing to marry her but your loosing your attraction to her? I think your the jerk in this do her a favour and break it off. let her find someone better who treats her with more respect than that! | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:28:52 PM | | I stopped reading at page 3 but you need to look into couples counceling/sex therapy. This looks like a perfect example of a need for professional help. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 5:48:45 PM | What? Now you are just making up things out of thin air. When did I try to use my age or experience to show my maturity level? I didn't even mention my age or my background. The spelling is actually misandristic, I was incorrect.
I am beginning to think you are a troll. I clearly explained why your opinion is incorrect, and it is not because it is different from mine. Again, it is because it is based on false premises (that sex is unimportant, that men are always at fault).
In regards to the problem presented by the OP. I did not talk about the solution because it is obvious, and that is to end the relationship (which many people have already said).
The OP did not ask whether he should cheat. He said he is tempted to cheat, and then asked "what should I do?" The answer is not to cheat, cheating is never the answer. Instead he should break up with her.
Your statements saying the OP should wait until his partner is ready to have sex, regardless of when (or if) that will ever happen, and if he does not want to wait then he is selfish, is wrong and thinly-veiled male bashing.
If the OP was in fact searching for pity or a green light to cheat (which is not said from his words) then he is also in the wrong. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/24/2009 6:14:12 PM |
I am beginning to think you are a troll. I clearly explained why your opinion is incorrect, and it is not because it is different from mine. Again, it is because it is based on false premises (that sex is unimportant, that men are always at fault).
Hmmm…I think you need to get your facts straight…!! I never said sex was unimportant…I said it’s as important as you make it…!!
Here are are my posts to the OP…where in it do you see that I am blaming all men and feel they are all at fault..???
Well it's obvious you made up your mind... you bring up loving her, but in reality you love yourself and your "needs" more... do her a favor and move on... she has goals and dreams and you can't respect that or her for that matter... to air your dirty laundry here and disrespect her like this all on the basis of "sex"...you should be ashamed...I sure as heck wouldn't want to be married to you... I guarantee you, after she saw this, she wouldn't either...!!
DBB...
He made the choice...he knew what he was in for and now realizes he can't handle it and wants everyone here to feel pity for him and say it's ok to go and get his needs fulfilled....! He's got his hand for that...if he truly loves her as he says he does than it is very disrespectful of him to come here looking for pity when he knew what he was up against to begin with...
My ex waited a year....granted it's not four years he had to wait...but he knew where I stood on the matter and respected that...this man didn't wait 4 years without knowing what he was up against...He's feeling weak and wants affirmation to cheat...!!
I love that men feel women have that much power as to hold them "hostage" using sex... if that's the case you are claiming you are the weaker sex...it's called having self-control and will power...try it sometime...!!
My "rules"...lol.... wouldn't it have been just as selfish for him to want me to sacrifice my beliefs... ?? Would he have respected me more to have given in to his selfish desires or "needs"...!! He loved and respected me...because of this he chose to wait with me...and he never regretted that decision or felt I was being insensitive to his needs...!!!
I didn't say you were the weaker sex...I said you are claiming you are if you lack the self control and will power to abstain...
Ahh yes...he made "sacrifices" to make me happy...and guess what ...I made similar sacrifices in other ways... and afterwards I made up those those sacrifices a million times over... to the point he still continually bangs on my door hoping I'll let him back in!!!!! Having certain beliefs doesn't make you selfish...it makes you strong...!!
Basic human right???... It was intended for procreation purposes only.... a "right"...I don't think so....maybe a priveledge...! Humans took sex on to cater to our own selfish needs and desires...but it isn't a "basic human right"....
It's like the "Rock" said....sex is only as important as you make it!!!
Edit: You've also shown how important it is to you...so I hope you never lose the ability....or you gf, for that matter...because we know where you will end up... old and alone!!
Depends on the culture...I know many people who have remained virgins because of their beliefs...well into their 40's...!!!
It's his first love...whether he still fits into the "virgin" category...well it hasn't been clarified...nor her status as far as that goes...but it was his choice to be with her under her terms...he waited 4 years...which I find highly comendable...and it would be ashame to have invested that much time to just "ditch" her now...!!
You can view sex and your relationships any way you want to ... this man came to forums and asked a question...I gave my opinion....you disagreed with it , so I will give my reasoning and defend my stance....you don't want me to preach sexual morality, but yet you choose to preach the latter....why...because it's the popular choice these days....This woman chooses to wait till marriage and everyone tells this man to run for the hills...4 years is a bit much, with that I agree...but you all would most likely have said the same had it been 4 months....!!
Yes...you love and respect her so much that your are here, letting the world know, she's a virgin and has issues with intimacy...and you are asking whether you should be looking elsewhere or "cheat"....ummm yesss...very respectful....!! If you truly wanted to be respectful you'd have talked with her in private about these issues...9 years you have known her and can't communicate properly with her...??
Truth hurts doesn't it...?? You want to hear what you want to hear...that it's ok for you to "cheat" ...move on mister...4 years ? Omg .....what the heck are you waiting for....go get laid...geesh......!!!! So go....that's what you wanted to hear with your troll of a post...!
Hmmm.....maybe she's not all that into you!! If she's still a virgin, for her to want to give herself, it would have to be to someone she could truly trust, someone with whom she can completely depend upon....with your "ultimatums" and constant badgering or nagging she's not going to feel she can trust you enough to be there in the long scheme of things either....this is probably why she's distanced herself from you...not to mention the fact that you've claimed lost feelings towards her... and you feel sexual intimacy is the only way to regain that...geee....makes me wanna just jump yer bones.... | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:27:36 PM | IllBurHukleBry, turn into a lesbian because I dont see how any man can put up with your anti male bullshit. Please get off this thread.
durandal26, thanks.
I am not sure what troll post means, but this is real, I'm not faking this, I have better things to do in life than this. Although I really appreciate everyone's response.
This maybe my last update on this thread.
She admitted to me yesterday, what she called a hidden sin. She said that she has been saving her virginity, for the day we actually get married. She's actually afraid that once we have sex, the "special" part of our relationship would be gone and that I would not be attracted to her anymore. She tried to explain me logically that she can obviously not get married right now because of her school, another two years to go, and can't tell her parents that I proposed to her (btw, she does not put on the ring) because it would make matters bad with her family (as she's still at home).
I told her I understood what she is saying but I cannot wait another two years.
She said she has thought alot about this and is not willing to part ways with her virginity, regardless of the outcome.
As of right now, we have broken up. I'm a mess. So is she. I am not sure if this is a short term break up (as we have had quiet a few of those). But something tells me, this time, I'm going to stand up to my beliefs, I have sacrificed enough and its time for me to do what I think is right, which is to be in a relationship where what I think and believe in would also count.
Thanks for all of your help and comments. Both negative and positive. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:34:02 PM | If shes not having sex with you for this long..
she doesnt love you.. leave her and never comeb back.. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:38:12 PM | | the real question my dear is: what if you marry her then it all sucks in bed? i.e. you are still horny ever after.................................. what then? | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:57:02 PM | Hey man honestly think about all those years.
This girl is running super game on you.
People who want to wait till marriage get married as soon as they get to know someone well. I'd say 2 years maybe.
You've known her way too long for her to pull the wait for marriage card.
It's not about sex its about life and love.
I think you should tell her you need some space...
And that you'd like to be friends....
Marriage can come when she is ready...
Till then you need to go live...
Then she will know she might lose you...
Also you have to know that all this time it's impossible she is not weighing her other options. This is likely why she has taken so long.
I'm sorry man but wake up.
Imagine if all this time you found out she was having sex on the side?
Stranger things have happened.
Sorry to ruin your dream state but this is extremely unusual.
Religious people save it for marriage, but once they decide they like each other enough to really date seriously they take the plunge.
I say  | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:17:00 PM | I feel badly for you OP and if I didn't know someone else in the exact same situation I wouldn't believe it's even true but I bet it is.
Sorry can't bear to read the whole post but if she's not religious she`s a control freak and
GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:50:54 PM | | Dude, you've waited long enough....if she won't fu** you now AND she won't marry you now, then it's time to say goodbye. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 12:51:55 AM | IllBurHukleBry:
I like how you consistently ignore the points I make that you are unable to refute. Such as how when you falsely claimed that I tried to use my "age and experience" to back up my words, and I called you on that.
In regards to "I never said sex was unimportant…I said it’s as important as you make it…!!"
That is like stating, "I never said I disliked Asians...I just said that all of them can't understand English, talk loudly in their screechy language, and smell like fish!"
In regards to blaming men and saying they are all at fault, you did not say that directly. But reading between the lines, it's easy to see that.
"you bring up loving her, but in reality you love yourself and your "needs" more... "
-Wanting to have sex after 4 years is loving "needs" more? Totally irrational.
"she has goals and dreams and you can't respect that or her for that matter... "
-Wanting to have sex and/or get married = disrespecting goals and dreams? False again.
"to air your dirty laundry here and disrespect her like this all on the basis of "sex"...you should be ashamed..."
-Should be ashamed of wanting to have sex in a 4-year relationship?
Notice how "sex" and "needs" are always quoted, as if that is somehow not real or figurative. This reinforces the fact that you consider sex is unimportant.
"I love that men feel women have that much power as to hold them "hostage" using sex... if that's the case you are claiming you are the weaker sex...it's called having self-control and will power...try it sometime...!!"
In your view, a sexless relationship lasting for years = having self control and willpower. Totally irrational.
I could go on, but most of your statements are stupid, incorrect, biased, or all three, so it would take too long.
By the way, you'll note that unlike you, I never made any attacks on your character or person, just your statements. Even though you are 35, you do not seem mature from your actions. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 1:36:18 AM | Holy BlueBalls Batman!!! (dude, move on)..... EEEEK, just imagine your non existant sex life even after marriage and see if you can handle that. This so makes me chuckle... Mah bad!
^T^ | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:53:41 AM | She admitted to me yesterday, what she called a hidden sin. She said that she has been saving her virginity, for the day we actually get married. She tried to explain me logically that she can obviously not get married right now because of her school, another two years to go, and can't tell her parents that I proposed to her (btw, she does not put on the ring) because it would make matters bad with her family (as she's still at home).
She said she has thought alot about this and is not willing to part ways with her virginity, regardless of the outcome.
Op,
You should have had the talk in the first year of being exclusive.
Shame on her for not telling you what her long range goals were.
If she told you, "I'm not having sex until marriage and I'm not getting married until I finish school which is going to be 5 years from now" Would you at, 24 agreed to this?
I'm sorry to say, this has turned into one trainwreck of a relationship.
I'm am deeply sorry you pretty much wasted your time with someone like this.
There are so many wrong things going on.
Being engaged and not telling her parent is one. Major fail on the respect.
BTW way, did you get that BJ? Probably not. Another way of her stalling (which has worked for her in the last 4 years).
She also knows you want intimacy, and yet she says wait another 2 years.
But, don't think the blame is totally on her. You bear some responsibility also.
You should have objected to her imposing celibracy on you (which what happened really. I'm not going to assume you got a bit on the side. I have no basis for making that claim).
She's actually afraid that once we have sex, the "special" part of our relationship would be gone and that I would not be attracted to her anymore.
As they say on Star Trek, "Your logic is flawed".
So now what do we have. After four year of the carrot on the stick, you have split up. The "special relationship" was her dangling the golden cookie and you constantly thinking "any day now, any day"
Once again, you both weren't forthright on your goal or timetables.
You both had hidden agendas on how the relationship was going to pan out.
I told her I understood what she is saying but I cannot wait another two years.
How does it feel to be honest for the first time
about this "special relationship"?
Those should have been your words several years ago.
As of right now, we have broken up. I'm a mess. So is she. I am not sure if this is a short term break up (as we have had quiet a few of those). But something tells me, this time, I'm going to stand up to my beliefs, I have sacrificed enough and its time for me to do what I think is right, which is to be in a relationship where what I think and believe in would also count.
Good for you. Not for the break-up, but for laying down what YOU believe and not fitting in with her script. You matter too.
I need to be clear. What she did has merit. She has every right to remain a virgin and not want to get married before school. But, she did you a huge disservice for not letting you know what her long range plans were when you entered in a relationship.
You bear some responsibilty by letting her drive the bus on the entire relationship while you rode it with blinders on. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:14:55 AM | The reason you are having thoughts of sex with other women is that the two of you are not married and not living as a couple sexually/emotionally/physically and, as such, those deep inner needs are not being met. You are bound to someone without the reciprocating reward of having these deep needs satisfied. Your thoughts are not about cheating, they are about your body's natural desires which would result in cheating if you acted on them while you remain with her.
There is no reason why a Masters would conflict with marriage. I'd suggest moving forward, getting married and having sex. She is definitely getting something out of this arrangement that is meaningful and which she doesn't want to lose. Otherwise, split up, and pursue another course. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:26:27 AM |
It was intended for procreation purposes only.
Not sure where you get this from. If it was, indeed, for procreation only, it would not involve such a deep level of desire and pleasure.
I would argue for exclusivity in sex by saying sex was created for pleasure of the deepest sort and should be the glue that keeps a couple together. It should be the one thing that they do with each other that they do not share with anyone else. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 6:25:41 AM | To those that said the OP "aired his dirty laundry" and similar sentiments. "He" aired nothing. We don't know his real name, nor does he have a picture posted. If anyone chooses to use their computer saavy to track down his identity then you have more problems than he does.
Second, if he were so eager to cheat, he did not need to post this thread. He could have just gone on here, hooked up with women, and cheated!
For those who said that some people don't want to just sleep around with anyone, that they should wait for it to be about love and exclusivity and marriage...the were engaged!!!! It was about love and exclusivity and he did want to marry her. She's the one stalling!
And so, for now, they have broken up. It was argued that maybe she was afraid that he'd just have sex with her and leave. Well, now that they are broken up, he has just sacrificed four years of his sexual life for a relationship that didn't work. Should he have chanced another two...what if they broke up then. Should he wait ten? Fifteen? And then what...Sacrifice all those years for a woman who can't have sex because she's not ready, can't get married because she's not ready...the woman is not ready for a mature relationship. Period. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 9:50:04 AM | | Doesn't make sense? She can't be that much in love with you! Her needs are getting met elsewhere. Don't be naive. She is not that into you. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 9:58:43 AM | Live and learn, dude.
Sorry for your pain.
Good luck next time.
(One of those beers is for me while you guzzle the other three.) | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 10:09:03 AM | Capricon40 has outlined many of my thoughts on your situation. I think its a good post, so I am not going to repeat his thoughts. I would like to step on one point: One of my 'truths' I live my life through is "anything that must be kept secret points to a bigger problem".
Her keeping your engagement a secret from family speaks volumes; a different timetable on sex was not the only problem.
Sorry you are going through painful times. | |
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| Is this enough to ditch her?
Posted: 8/27/2009 11:47:59 AM | | I think the issue here is whether or not she's dragging this out purposely or not. Sure, she has the right to wait, but you also have the right to not waste your life on someone who may not even want to get married. Ask yourself if you think she really wants to get married, or if she's keeping you around for companionship. If you don't see that she really wants to get married, don't cheat ... simply leave her. You don't want to waste your life on someone who won't be there for you in the end. The fact that she laughs at you when you say you're horny wouldn't sit well with me. | |
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