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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/24/2009 10:37:11 AM |
"Sometimes a disappointment helps us see we don't have it all that bad..."
" The biggest by-product of expectation is disappointment ". The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment.
Why is there all this need to completely 'forget'. " Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it". My choice, and it could be yours as well, is to put the good times and the bad times in perspective. No matter what the realtionship was, how it started or how and why it ended, it is part of your life that has been lived.
This is not an easy concept to wrap your mind or your emotions around.
People will come into your life, this is fact. People will go out of your life, this to is fact.
The wherefore's and the why's can be as different as 2 snowflakes. People pass, feelings change, trauma causes complications. This list is long.
I took care of my mom for 10 months 24/7 till she passed from liver cancer. For those 10 months numerous relatives called, sent cards and letters. No one came to see her, they had their reasons and I'm OK with that.
What I wa not OK with is that after she died, the calls I recieved telling me " what a hard life she led, what she went through, Oh the things she had to put up with". My response to them was " My mom did alot of things she wanted to do, sometimes she would have liked to have had it different. I know the ' hard times ' my mom went through, I was the cause of some of it. " I also told them " You can mourne as you wish, but I choose to celebrate the life that was lived." That was 11 years ago, I haven't heard from my family since, thats OK with me too.
We have th ability of choice when it comes to living with our past and how we carry it into our future.
What is your choice ? | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/24/2009 11:26:50 AM | | In my experience after a painful breakup, you need to go out and carry on with your life instead of staying at home wondering what if... of rationalizing his behavior or who's at fault in this breakup. As long as you don't jump into another relationship right away, it'll do you good to meet other people and socialize. You'll meet other people and will keep busy with other things so your mind won't be stuck on him and on remembering him. It's difficult at the beginning but I found out that it does wonders to your self-esteem and totally changes your outlook in life. Instead of plunging into depression, see it as an opportunity to break free from the past. I did manage to wipe someone off my memory in record time because I was willing to move on, socialize, meet other people (including some very interesting men) and accept the fact that we do not own others and sometimes things are simply not meant to be. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/24/2009 2:38:25 PM |
I am married and he was a special friend to me for over a year
If it were ok that you were cheating on your husband, it would be nothing that your special friend lied to you. BTW, the man who could make you cry for many times was powerful as you were a CPA who shouldn't be easily misled by less logic. It might prove that your husband wasn't good to you as well. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/24/2009 2:48:21 PM | He was special until the day I found out he lied to me as to the reason to leave.
^ Is forgiveness out of the question? Why erase him from memory ~ was the deceit unconscionable.. malicious? Seems he brought comfort to you at a time when you needed it most.. perhaps that's what he needs from you ~ now or later. Like other posters have mentioned ~ there is a reason he came into your life.. and for that, you are forever changed. Why not challenge yourself to forgive.. then you won't have to force yourself to do anything you don't want to do (subconsciously) .. in time. A give and take... realizing no one is perfect. Something to consider... the rest is for you to decide. Peace ~ | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:04:51 PM |
Yes I agree, the special friend has not done anything to improve my marital relationship, it was probably or surely a mistake that served me for a while but is hurting for another while
No shit eh, if you ever wonder why you feel so bad about yourlife look at the choices your making... You are the one choosing to hurt yourself, no one else is blame... It people who have this mentality that really leave a trail of broken relationships and people behind. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/24/2009 8:20:58 PM | Nicklewiser...I must take yr comment as I'm guilty as charged. Circumstances of each one are different so I don't think it makes it right but maybe at the time it was the best I could do.
Mottobella... Beautiful and wise advise...yes I should forgive him and I will. Seems I haven't and I'm not being fair. He gave me lots of happy moments, kept me from deep depression, was my company. In the other hand a was good to him, real good so on that area I feel at peace. Will put the advice to good use as well. He is part of my life and he was my comfort for many months.
Patricia...yes going out and meeting friends will help me as well. Will note.
And to all after my last posting I appreciate sincere and genuine advice.
Lil Brook....I'm sorry if I couldn't tell more. My husband knew of my friend...I told him...and also told him it was either that or I was falling apart since he didn't give me any emotional support specially with all the crisis we were having with our eldest 19 y.old son.
Things are calmer now. He knows I don't see my friend for like 4 months now...our marriage is broken...maybe beyond repair, who knows.
Thanks again POF fishies....your time in answering me is very appreciated... | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/25/2009 7:21:48 AM | What helps (me)... Something Dr. Seuss said (can you believe it): Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. Thinking about the people in life that don't take risks or chances because it may not turn out well. I am always happy that I am the kind that will. It doesn't always turn out like maybe I wanted it to, but I learned something, about myself, life, or human nature, odds are I enjoyed many aspects of it and for whatever reason it did not work out, if you really break it down, it isn't anyone's fault, there is nothing wrong with you, or maybe even that person (sometimes it is and when it is, it is their stuff not your's and you should not feel as if it is).
I think sometimes we beat ourselves up for reasons that we shouldn't. i.e., "He lied" -so you are a trusting person. "Gave her too many chances" - so you are a forgiving person that realizes we are all human. "I should have stood up for myself more" - so you were a person trying to find the middle ground. And those are all good qualities..
I second what someone else said, in that there are reasons for people in our lives, and it may not always be to benefit you, but maybe the other person . if they are wise enough to realize there was a lesson to be learned then you have helped someone along in life, and if they didn't, well they will still be getting the same lesson over and over until they get it. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/25/2009 7:27:18 AM | ^^^^ good thinking....makes sense. Maybe it was to teach him what a giver feels like.
Maybe some day he will master and enjoy the art of giving. It is a wonderful thing. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:14:55 AM | Msg1: Nothing is permanent in this Universe, there are people that are passing through in our life that we learned some lessons from each other.
Don't forget that "Special friend" just only remember him of these great moments of kindness/love/support that he gave you and let that stay in your heart to make you stronger person to walk the path of this journey again, and see that beautiful Rainbow even for a short while to inspired you that life is beautiful in this troubled world..
Vannili | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:16:28 AM |
A good friend of mine often says, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone". Seems to works very well for them.
Best of luck OP.
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:20:44 AM | You know I did not mean come across so harshly, with my post. It sounds like you are doing some serious soul searching so good for you keep it up. I hope you never find yourself in this kinda spot again. I really do believe people are responsible for their own actions but more than that also their reactions to other poeple and events in thier life!!
Keep going your doing good! | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/26/2009 5:03:31 AM |
You know I did not mean come across so harshly, with my post. It sounds like you are doing some serious soul searching so good for you keep it up. I hope you never find yourself in this kinda spot again. I really do believe people are responsible for their own actions but more than that also their reactions to other poeple and events in thier life!!
Hey Nick...I was going to say earlier that I thought your view was harsh....
but very true. You didn't pull any punches, I admire that. You also came back after looking over the posts and again didn't pull any punches in your postive comments, I really admire that.
I'd like to see more of that in the forums. With that I will echo your final comment for your input.
" Keep going your doing good !...
And Good Luck to the OP... | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/26/2009 5:31:10 AM | It's often said
that we need to forgive...
not necessarily forget...
to move on.
the more you try to forget, the more he will appear in your head
what you resist...persists
try to forgive...umm..practice forgiveness
then..the nagging thoughts 'will' disappear
'tis true.
regards
~~ .'.' Kimbo .' .' | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/26/2009 5:36:04 AM | Nick and Storm Mike,
Let me start saying the OP ( me) is doing much better. If POF forums posters would only know all the good the can do. They are powerful when they are constructive and genuine. I was blessed with wonderful and useful input from you all.
Crying also help a bit...but it is less and less everyday. I can say 80% less. I am aware the experience enriched my life and also felt the kindness of people that don't even know me.
Mike you beat me by some hours...I was busy yesterday, wanted to address Nicky's last post.
I am shocked and very grateful because I was used to such negative and non constructive comments anytime I had started a thread when I needed input on my life issues.
This time I got all good advice and no harshness. Nicki's comment was more realistic than harsh...every time we make wrong choices we leave a bunch of people behind and affected by them...that is true.
Also maybe it helped that I told everyone upfront about the fact I was married and my friend was not my husband...
When I married and had children I never ever dreamed of having to get to this type of choices...life surprises me at times, but I'm trying to always do the best I can. God knows I have tried so hard for so many years before I took the wrong detour.
In this specific case, my options were almost none, now I know it served the purpose, but still I am paying the price of my wrong doing....
Mike I also must say I related to your experience with Mom, my own Mom took care of my paralyzed and bedridden Dad for 30 years, never complaining or nagging of her luck....the only thing she got from Dad's relatives was.....oh you are such a amazing person, never one help. We did count 300% with Mom's side of the family, they even took care of us during the summer vacations until Dad was out of the hospital.
All 3 kids of Mom are now doing great financially and for the most part in their family life... much better than all those others that turned their back on us. And Mom did it all alone and with her family. She just turned 80 and we had the most beautiful celebration of life for her in Lima, Peru. She looked like a magazine grandma....beautiful.
Akimbo, yes...someone else had advised me on forgiveness....that is working wonders...In all fairness, he was good to me for long...caring and understanding..then some personal issues got on the way of his patience I guess. Very valid personal issues like losing his job and not being so young to easily find another one, trouble at his own home for issues not related to our friendship, etc, etc. I guess I was being a bit unfair myself. I needed to understand his action and even his lie.
Thank you.
Have a great day you all. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:04:04 AM | Glad to hear that it's going better Rosia 
what you say is true....often, we are so caught up in our own agenda's that we don't realize, or , perhaps, take the time to understand that others' are (perhaps) going through something themselves.....and their actions are not necessarily....or even meant toward us.....to hurt us.
everything passes
Kimbo | |
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| History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:25:31 AM | I'd offer "Datura Stramonium"... but the resultant amnesia is global.
I'd then venture, learn what useful truth you need from this,
before forgetting and discarding it useless.
George Santayana:
"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
...and forgive me for my Marxian title, RosiaG
Don't repeat the tragedy...you appear to be gleaning truth from it. | |
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| History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:15:17 PM | It's a Zombie! Drink a couple of these and you won't care about squat or remember squat!
* 1 1/4 oz lemon juice
* 1 oz dark rum
* 3/4 oz orange juice
* 1/2 oz cherry brandy
* 1/2 oz light rum
* 1/2 oz high-proof dark rum
* 2 dashes grenadine
1. Pour the ingredients into a****ail shaker with ice.
2. Shake well.
3. Strain into a highball glass with crushed ice. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:35:47 PM | | If it's disrupting your life try "diversion therapy." For me, I'm very visual so when I break up with someone I remove the visual cues that would trigger memories. That doesn't work for random memories that pop up so often times I write about the good things the person brought to my life that I get to take with me, and if there were negatives, I'll write about the positives of leaving the person in the past. Those are two techniques that work well for me. Expanding on an earlier post: "People enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Another helpful quote: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." Good luck. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/27/2009 3:27:21 AM | leftofnormal....
<div class="quote">"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
That is a good thought to remember...except he never really showed me the true colors. I had never caught him in a lie until after two months from the date we parted.
pirateheaven...
thanks but not really into drinking. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:56:02 PM | To all that helped with advice and/or participated in this thread.
I want to report that all the advice was put to work. Now I think of him not with sadness anymore (95% of the time) but with gratitude. He came to my life like an anchor for me not to sink. He was good to me and patient as well. He came for a time and then he had to leave.....how he did it, doesn't matter anymore.
I know that now he needs my prayers, he is going through some tough times without a job and almost six months looking without success. He also decided to leave his wife and decided to make himself unreachable. I suspect its a major crisis he is going through. I wish I could help him now but it is not possible. I know my prayers and good thoughts will do better than I.
Have a great week you all.
and to post # 47.....yes that works....my Dr told me to make a specific time for grieving daily...until I will not need it anymore...just as you advised me...thanks!!!
G.
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:08:32 PM | Hi there!
I got over someone i really cared for by allowing myself to think of him for a week one hour each day, then 45 minutes the next, 30 minutes the next, 15 minutes the next and so on, and then erased his telephone number from my mobile - hey presto it worked!
Life is far too short to think of what might have been, especially if the person is a liar. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:19:33 PM | Normally I would be an a$$hole but you know what you've done and have taken honest attempts it appears to learn and be a better person! That is all one can ask.
If your marriage is important, put more concentration on making it right. That too will take your mind off of your special friend and place it where it should have been to begin with.
If you've have moved past the point of saving your marriage then some of the things the other posters have said is good advice. Spend time with family, friends (not that one  ) or doing/finding hobbies.
In the end only time and distance will heal! | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:49:12 PM | Howdy! OP-
I'm a little late and it's good you are feeling better. When someone is on my mind and it's ended badly I call up my girls and get pretty. Spa days are always nice. Or if it's really bad we have a burn party. You know pictures and letters etc. get thrown into the fire along with drinking a butt load of crazy exspensive wine. Try Cakebread $ but yummy. The next morning you will hurt so bad you won't care about him. This only works if you are off the next day so plan accordingly. | |
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| How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 9/1/2009 4:00:53 AM | OP
Like everyone else said.....you need some time to get over him. find some hobbies that will keep you busy and make you forget about it....it happens to most people. i still get calls from some chicks i dumped back in high school. i guess its not that easy. | |
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