| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:16:06 AM | Hi OP,
There was a day when a woman being with another women was a simply a major turn on for men, it was this innocent sort of sexual energy produced which escalated the idea that he could have both women at his whim, while sitting back and enjoying the show.
But in todays world woman to woman is now considered a threat, not only to his manhood but also to his relationship and the possible demise of it. The other woman, if you will, is now his opponent in love.
I want to address your bi-curious thoughts. Have you always wanted a woman over a man? Do you lie in bed at night, since you were a young girl and thought about Michelle over Michael? If so, you might be more than just bi-curious, you might be gay.
If you find your sexual thoughts are more often about women than men I suggest you take some time to yourself and away from your relationship with this man and really figure out what it is that you want.
Men are not above being devastated at the loss of their relationship to another woman. I have seen it within my own world of friends. It can do serious damage to a mans mental stability and sexuality.
Sexuality is not to be ignored if you are serious about what your heart wants. But I caution you to be mindful of the thoughts you are having considering other women. Ask yourself if it is because of the suggestive nature in today's world which makes you curious or if it truly is the fact that you are gay, have always been gay but just didn't want to admit it to yourself. Ask yourself if it is the act you are thinking about or the woman that is in your mind. If you find yourself constantly thinking about a particular female then it is the intimacy with her which you seek and that begins a whole new bag of problems.
I have never been with another woman. I have never had the thoughts or the desire to be with another woman. I have never even been curious. This is because I am not gay. I am of the belief that if you want to suckle at another woman's breast or go down on her and give her head......then you are probably gay but consciously won't admit it. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:18:06 AM | You missed your perfect opportunity when he told you he didn't like the idea of you with a woman, you should have said, but that's who I am and I plan to be with women too. There's no reason for you to be in a relationship with him, as in exclusive, if you want to be with others too. The problem seems to be that you want both things without having to give up one. You two need to talk and you need to be honest with him.
You are only 19, why oh why are you tied to a boyfriend when you should be out meeting people and finding who you are? Break up, yes it will be sad, but you are way way way too young to be playing house and pretending to be in a relationship, break up and go seek all those things you are curious about. Shouldn't the answer be obvious to you? Fly, be free, live your life, have new adventures. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:33:27 AM | | Ive not cheated! ive not done anything with another girl while ive been with him! its got nothing to do with revenge. Its a side of a perosn that wont go away! he should accept me the way i am, i shouldnt have to change what i feel for other women. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:35:23 AM | Let's make it easy.
Here is what you want:
You want to be with another woman, I am assuming sexually without any type of lasting relationship. Simply a same same sexcapade.
You want to not lose him over it.
So you've got self interest: I wanna be with a girl!
And you've got group interest: I don't wanna be let go from the group that is our relationship!
And your reasons that you are already starting to justify pursuing self interest?
My bf has not been the best kind of bf in the world...He did it so im just thinking it would be ok for me to do the same...
Seriously? What if after you do it your boyfriend comes back and says "You know, I can't believe you were with a girl. So you know what? Since you did it, and you aren't the best kind of gf in the world, I'm going down to the local gloryhole. Just to explore."
Would you really say "Gee honey! I support your decision to go suck off and anally penetrate strangers! Bring me back some pictures! And pick some milk up on the way home please."
I am assuming you would say no, because obviously the cheating thing is still bothering you otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up.
So
I would like to take things further with a woman but fear of losing him at the the same time.
You already know the most likely consequences if you do it. You don't want to lose him, you are deciding on future behavior, and bam that fear response reacts and says "don't do it! You know it's wrong!"
And you are saying "nuh uh Mr. Superego, I'm in the RIGHT. I'm good. I can do this because I have these justifications. So if, IF, that happens and I lose the relationship I've covered my ass. I can consider myself a good person. I may be doing a bad thing, but I've rationalized it so it's his fault if I have to suffer the consequences of my choices.
Im not using that in my defence at all
You're right. You aren't using it as a defense. You are using it as a rationalization or justification.
don't my feelings count in any way?
Yes. They do.
That's why you don't get into bonded and boundaried relationships until you make your feelings known. That's why real relationships take so much time. Because there are a lot of feelings about different scenarios.
He said
he doesnt like the idea of me with another woman.
But you got into a relationship with him anyways. You see him telling you that? That's called a boundary.
whats wrong with wanting to explor more? He did it so im just thinking it would be ok for me to do the same.
Nothing is wrong with wanting to explore more. That's why so many people wait until they are older before getting into relationships. So they can be the Magellan of their own life.
He communicated a boundary to you. Which are really contracts and commitments. He said "I don't like the idea of you with another woman." Implied in that is "If you want to be in a relationship with me, you can't be with another woman."
And you said "okay" because he is now your bf. You accepted his conditions of the relationship. If you break them, you suffer the consequences.
As to "He did it first and I said okay, that strains but doesn't break the contract" you have to realize he isn't you. You don't get brownie points for "accepting" his infidelity.
Relationships aren't games. There's no Pokemon trading cards "I'll trade you a pikachu cheat pass for a squirtle girly fest."
any advice?
Mature or stop getting into relationships until you do. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:39:31 AM | | You've got to make up your mind what you want. You can "either" have this particular boyfriend or you can pursue your "curiosity." He has made it clear that he is not comfortable or accepting of this type of thing. With him, you aren't going to be able to have it both ways. If you go forward with this, even if you manage to "talk him into" accepting it, it's going to ruin your relationship with him. So you have to weigh how important he is to you against how much you want to pursue your bi-curious-ness. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:44:28 AM | OK, so if you involve him it's not cheating. But guess what to expect as the next move from a liberal these days? A FMM threesome. Why? Because 'it is only fair' after a FFM hookup... Maybe he thinks ahead and doesn't feel like stroking some guy's balls. Or he can barely stand one woman's b!tching and he dreads doubling that. Or he has been told one too many times how small his d!ck is (you get that a lot on POF) and he is shy. Or he is afraid of you turning gay if you like it too much.
Whatever the reason, I 'd break it off and munch rugs for a while if I were you... Then you post here in 15 years about your lesbian encounters when you were young. No harm done. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:46:06 AM | | Sounds like your boyfriend is just insecure. My advice to you is to do whatever the hell you want because you are obviously not happy that you haven't had the chance to explore that side of your sexuality. My (soon to be) ex-wife was Bi when I met her. I didn't have a problem with her dating girls so long as it was just girls and she didn't bring them into our marriage or their drama into our marriage. Worked out great until she went full lesbian on me haha. Explore yourself because if you don't know what you are then no one else will either. Make yourself happy and love yourself before you can be happy and love someone else. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:48:03 AM |
he should accept me the way i am, i shouldnt have to change what i feel for other women.
No, he should NOT have to just accept it. I'm sorry, but that's just not the way it works. No one should have to just suck it up and deal with having their boyfriend or girlfriend having sex with someone else. Should YOU just have to accept it, if he had feelings for other women, and wanted to act on them? Having sex outside your relationship is having sex outside your relationship, no matter what the gender of the other person is.
You don't have to change what you feel for other women, but you can not act on those feelings AND keep this guy. His feelings are that he doesn't feel comfortable in a relationship with a bisexual woman. You tell me one good reason why he should change those feelings.
I am so sick of all this PC crap that preaches that everyone should just be able to do anything they want to, and everyone else had better just tolerate it, no matter who it hurts. "Tolerating" something means that I can live with it being in the same world as me. "Tolerance" of something does not mean that I have to have any part of it, nor do I have to have it in my life. I don't care what other people do, but I can tell you, if a guy I was dating told me he was interested in other men? He would be history, and there's no reason for me to change MY feelings about that. He can do whatever he wants, but leave me out of it! | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:13:29 AM | Well, the OP CAN keep her boyfriend and have sex with women as long as she's willing to accept that he can have sex with other women too.
There are many dynamic relationships where each gets to play outside the relationship.
But, on a more humorous note, you know there are three types of women?
1) Those who have had a bi-sexual encounter
2) Those who won't have a bi-sexual encounter
and
3) Those who just haven't had enough to drink yet...... | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:16:11 AM | Sounds like your boyfriend is just insecure.
And according to YOUR story, he has reason to be! Sorry, but instead of making a point in her favor, you just made one in his.
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:23:32 AM | OP wrote-
"... but he told me that he doesnt like the idea of me with another woman. "
You either accept and respect that or you don't.
OP also wrote:
"...he should accept me the way i am, i shouldnt have to change what i feel for other women."
Are you saying he should remain in a relationship with you, compromising his values
for your happiness? Is that how you define acceptance?
You have to live with your conscience.
If your character and integrity are important to you, you will proceed accordingly.
keepin it simple, keepin it real--PW | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:28:56 AM | | If you like kissing girls then you're a lesbian. Look for women and don't waste men's time. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:31:41 AM | Daaaaamn... why don't I ever come across any of you bi girls ?? All my girls have been stubbornly straight, I'm trying to make them curious and I can't! Just goes to prove that one man's garbage is another man's treasure.. sigh  | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:32:25 AM |
he should accept me the way i am, i shouldnt have to change what i feel for other women.
He does NOT have to accept you. What YOU need to do if you want to explore this side of yourself is to find people who are open to you being with men and women at the same time. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:36:39 AM | | I can see him not liking the idea of you having a full-blown relationship with another girl or ignoring him while you're dating some gal. But as far as having a "fooling around buddy" gal-pal? He should NOT be upset about that! That's like throwing gold away in the trash can! | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:39:58 AM | "Well, the OP CAN keep her boyfriend and have sex with women as long as she's willing to accept that he can have sex with other women too."
And from where does THAT follow?
It does not. And if you want to apply liberal equality PC crap logic, he would only be allowed to have sex with guys (same sex). | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:43:36 AM | | OP...Ask him if he'd be ok with it if you made a tape of it and you and he watched it together one night. If it was a one time thing I'd be ok with it, but if it turned into a full blown relationship how much are you going to care what he thinks anyway? | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:46:55 AM |
he doesnt like the idea of me with another woman. I would like to take things further with a woman but fear of losing him at the the same time. Make up your mind: what's more important, your current relationship or homosexual experimentation? If it's your relationship, stop kissing girls and thinking about doing girls. If it's kissing girls, break up with your current boyfriend. It's that simple.
My bf has not been the best kind of bf in the world, yes he has cheated on me but i forgave him and tried moving on from it all! so in my deffence why cant he just look past his issue if it was ok for him to sleep around? Hmm you're thinking you're exacting revenge unto your BF because he cheated on you. Not a very mature mindset. I could never recommend such immature behavior.
im just saying whats wrong with wanting to explor more? He did it Are you saying your BF cheated on you with another man? Even so, two wrongs don't make a right, you're immature if you think so. There's nothing wrong with exploring I suppose if you are some sort of latent lesbian. I'm really thinking that lots of homosexuals today adopt that behavior because of being wronged by the opposite gender in relationships. It has very little to do with predisposed genetic coding.
ive not done anything with another girl while ive been with him! its got nothing to do with revenge. Its a side of a perosn that wont go away! This contradicts a previous post of yours. Which is it? Are you seeking revenge or do you think you are a latent lesbian? I'm thinking you're just confused. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:53:10 AM |
"Well, the OP CAN keep her boyfriend and have sex with women as long as she's willing to accept that he can have sex with other women too."
And from where does THAT follow?
It does not. And if you want to apply liberal equality PC crap logic, he would only be allowed to have sex with guys (same sex).
If you are in a monogamous relationship it completely follows as sex out side of the relationship is still sex regardless of the gender. Since the OP stated he cheated on her before that to me clearly states they are in a monogamous relationship. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:59:22 AM |
He does NOT have to accept you. What YOU need to do if you want to explore this side of yourself is to find people who are open to you being with men and women at the same time.
DING DING DING DING! We have a winner! | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 12:02:31 PM | "Well, the OP CAN keep her boyfriend and have sex with women as long as she's willing to accept that he can have sex with other women too."
And from where does THAT follow?
It does not. And if you want to apply liberal equality PC crap logic, he would only be allowed to have sex with guys (same sex).
That doesn't make sense: from where does WHAT follow WHAT?
It doesn't follow anything. There are many MANY couples who have open relationships which allow either and both partners to have sex with people outside of the relationship.
Just because they no longer do it behind closed doors doesn't make it wrong, just different.
If you like kissing girls then you're a lesbian. Look for women and don't waste men's time.
Sorry, no it doesn't. If she wants to have sex with men and/or women, kiss men and or women, that makes her BI-sexual.
If she was a lesbian she wouldn't have anything to do (sexually) with men.....
Same sex marriages/relationships
Open relationships/marriages
Blended familes
It is all about whatever works for two people. Who are we to judge what's right or wrong? | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 1:16:34 PM | "And from where does THAT follow?"
I'll need to explain: The statement was 'if she accepts xyz then she can do abc'. xyx was accepting her boyfriend having sex with other women, and abc was her having sex with a woman and keeping her boyfriend. I am pretty sure I got that statement somewhat right. In terms of logic that is 'xyz -> abc'. My question is where that came from. Did he say he'd stay in a relationship under the condition that he can have sex with others? If so I apologize.
I think the reasoning came from the 'logic' that people stay as long as they are given the same rights and freedoms (and I guess restrictions). The old goose/gander thing. This cannot be found in the OP. And my other point was that she wanted a same sex experience, so he should be allowed men, not women.
I do not dispute the benefits of open relationships (at least not in this thread), but it should be laid open before the relationship starts. Or he can be given an ultimatum - accept the new terms or leave. No guarantee he stays... I do not argue your alternative lifestyle - and the bi/alcohol comments were funny. I just argue the applied reasoning.
Well, here is another piece of logic. We are both right. Since she is not accepting of his other women as per the OP, we can conclude whatever we like. "If she is accepting, I have three noses." Correct, because the implication is true if the from part is false. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 1:52:06 PM |
i shouldnt have to change what i feel for other women.
True. But, you are responsible for your actions. If he believes sexually exploring a relationship with someone is cheating, then it's cheating. Period. End of story. If you don't like it, or don't like him as a BF, then leave. Otherwise pursuing this passion of yours to be with a woman is premeditated cheating.... or at least... premeditated dumping. Sounds to me like you're just looking for a reason to get out of the relationship you're in. | |
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| Bi-curious?
Posted: 8/26/2009 2:32:43 PM | lisibach, you're being inconsistent.
In one post, we get:
"Like it was posted earlier by sapphiresteel that the only reason she was attracted to women was because of men and thats the same for me", and that you should get to sleep around because you *feel* bad that he cheated, and that you 'forgave' him, while simultaneously all but admitting that you certainly haven't forgiven him.
And then we get, no, this is not for revenge and it's the way you are, you're actually bi and not merely bitter and disappointed. (And if you think dating women will be all roses, just ask all the misogynists on here what they think about that.)
Make up your mind. If you're not going to forgive him and move past him cheating then break up with him.
If you want to sleep with women because you're attracted to them or because you're angry at men then stop talking about doing it and do it.
If you want a BF that will put up with you sleeping with women then be up-front and tell guys that's what you're looking for. If you're not willing to give someone exclusivity and fidelity then do NOT expect anyone else to give that to you.
Right now, you are obviously displaying the fact that you cannot get over him sleeping with someone else.
Be at least *straight* enough with yourself (irony intended) to admit that you cannot handle your guy sleeping with someone else, so how can you countenance asking your guy to handle the same thing, regardless of whether that someone else is a guy, a girl, or some confused transgender whatchamacallit. | |
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