| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:34:22 PM | consider yourself lucky, you got alot of information before the wedding.
run, do not walk, away
There are tons of nice, real girls out there. Go meet one. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:42:49 PM | Does she have a large group of friends that are really gossipy, really pretentious and really competitive?
I'd likely check this first. It may have nothing to do with you and her.
Maybe she told her friends she thought you were getting this, but you got her that.
Talk to her first , get a response...
If your too scared to ask her about it then you should break it off cause just imagine all the more difficult issues you will be hesitant to talk to her about later.
I know you might be into her but the best time for cracks to show are now before you get locked in. Later you will be hurting if she is just really difficult and inconsiderate.
Take your licks now and get out if necessary.
Try to remember there are women who cry tears of joy if a guy they love wraps a string around their finger and doesn't even ask them to get married.
Marriage is more about if you have = goals and ambitions + support each other than lust.
So watch your step friend and make sure things are aligned.... | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:49:31 PM | Well...on one hand, she did tell you before she "upgraded" that she really wanted the other ring, and from what you said, it wasn't one from out of the blue - it was one of the 3 of the narrowed-down choices. So it sounds like she did discuss it with you prior to the upgrade. And you TOLD her to go get the other one - AND she paid the difference herself. Points to her for discussing it, and for paying for it.
On the other hand, if she didn't really like that ring, she shouldn't have made it one of the 3 choices - OR she should have been very clear what the 1st, 2nd and 3rd choices were. If she had done that (I am assuming she did not, because you didn't say so) and you went ahead and picked the ring that was her 3rd choice, then there should have been a clear understanding between you: why you picked that ring vs the other two that she preferred - was it because you allowed her to pick out other rings that you really couldn't afford? Was your budget really *not* up to $8K after all? Were you trying to cheap out after setting the parameters? Did she mislead you as to how much she liked the first ring? Did she just not like the first ring after she wore it for a couple of days? (It does happen...) Etc., etc.
It boils down to communication...complete as possible, and by both parties. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:53:17 PM | | So she was down to 3 rings and asked you to pick which of the three, then decided she didn't like your choice? So she paid the difference and got the one she really wanted. Hey, she was honest, I wouldn't let it ruin anything, but it's your feelings you have to live with. Like I said, from now on, don't try to choose for her, just give her money or gift certificates and don't sweat the small stuff. Now if she makes a habit of hurting your feelings, whether she's in the wrong or not, then I'd say you should let her go, no need to think you can change her. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:54:03 PM | | Although personal I think the magic word here is "upgraded." If she paid for it herself then it's ok... If not, well I think it was very unthoughtful. After all the wedding ring would have followed. I think there will be a day when you look back on this, slap yourself on the forehead and remember this lesson! Wish you the best of luck though.... | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:01:47 PM | op...as others have said, you need to talk about how you feel with her and find out all of the why's behind her telling you to choose and then not being happy with your choice.
consider yourself lucky, you got alot of information before the wedding
or if the information you got before the wedding is that your choices are okay only when you make the choice she would have made. No compromise allowed.
This is a REALLY important thing to talk together about if you want a satisfactory long term relationship. She may have made ah mistake in not being more definate about her preference...or it may have been some sort of test. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:09:06 PM | I am not sure how this story developed. You gave her the ring........ what was her reaction? A day two days three days later... she didn't tell you anything at all? You just found out three days later than she upgraded it?
When my ex gave me a ring, I was over the moon. Few days later, excitement wearing off, the ring started to look just odd on my finger and indeed it was. I told him I'd rather get something in a different color and we went to the jeweler's where the only one I liked was nearly $800 dollars more. I paid. It didn't bother him and I didn't think of it as what i am worthy or not worthy of. It was only an aesthetic and pratical preference from someone who types for a living (me) and although over the moon with joy at that time klank klank klank every time I typed something didn't really help.
The context my dear........ the context in which all this happened........ where is it? | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:16:01 PM | | OP: Did she discuss with you the type of ring she desired? Did she upgrade without your knowledge?? | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:34:01 PM |
Wha..???? Do you mean that she went and spent extra money to get the ring she thought her royal highness was worthy of having? Yeah...I think I'd tell her just to return it, because you want your portion of the money back, since you have no intention of marrying such a materialistic twit!
ding ding ding, we have a winner, give the little lady a cupid doll. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 9:47:05 PM | | hi... OP, you started the thread with one version then you changed it to another version... seeing any similarities?? I am thinking that unless she comes on here and tells her version we are only getting your version and so far your one sided version is not clear .. OP, nothing personal but it seems like you wanted people to side with you, not because you were hard done by but because you did not do the most correct thing... what do I know.... many blessings for balance and happiness | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:33:23 PM | OP I would not know what to think of that myself, but it sure does'nt have a good sound to it.
I would certainly question the action and look at her motivation behind the behavior. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:34:31 PM | SS,
If you had to ask, you're certainly not sure about, confortable with what you anticipate will be your fiancee's actions/reactions and really don't know the person you're planning a future with . . . instead of posting a forum question on POF, I'm thinking your fiancee should be hearing that you're : 1) "Not quite sure what to think about this or if I should be mad.", and 2) "It kind ruined the whole moment when I gave it to her."
If you can't be up-front and honest expressing your feelings to her now, I sense a problem.
Just my candid opinion. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:36:32 PM |
I thought I picked the one she "loved" but I picked the wrong one.
So, the reason you picked that particular ring is because you thought it was the one she “loved”. Come to find out, you guessed wrong, it wasn’t the one she “loved”; and now, somehow, “the moment is lost”, because she went ahead and…wait for it… got the one she “loved” all along (paying the difference herself). I don’t get it. Isn’t that what you wanted? Isn’t that why you picked the ring you did; because you thought you were picking the ONE SHE LOVED? So, why be upset that she ended up with the one she loved?
I could understand being disappointed if the ring was a family heirloom, or if you had picked it out all by yourself, but you both had narrowed a hundred different rings down to THREE. Come on, how sentimental is that, anyway? Don’t let this ruin the excitement and joy of your pending nuptials, or worse, your relationship.
P.S.
IMO, “the moment” was when you asked her to be your wife and she said “yes”! Congratulations (if it’s still on). | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:49:32 PM | | I guess I'm not materialistic. I'm more sentimental and would want the ring you proposed with. You know her better than us so I guess you will have to decide for yourself. Best wishes. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:52:07 PM | | Nothing says gold digger like an upgrade in 3 days. Sounds like she doesn't have any appreciation. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:22:38 PM | I would understand that guys tastes are different from chicks but I would wait more than 3 days, that seems a little harsh...I would definitely be having second thoughts about her caring for me. JMHO  | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:38:29 PM | If I were you, I would be very hurt. For me, if someone goes to the trouble to pick out something that special for me then it would be just that, very special and I could never trade it in for something else. It was from your heart, what you could afford, and given with love and devotion in mind. Seems to me that she's a bit spoiled.
However, that being said, did you tell her that it bothered you? Did she ask you if it would be okay to change it to something else? Can you afford it? Does she care? Think long and hard my friend before going any further, could be the setting for the rest of your life and do you want to worry about being "traded up" in everything else that comes along in the future? Will she ever be satisfied with just what you give her? Things to consider before taking the plunge to be sure. Good luck! Oh, and congratulations....I think..... | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 2:27:51 AM | Sweet, I am glad you make the same money... Obviously though she is a tad spoilt in as much as she will make her own decisions.
There is only one remaining fact in my eyes, she said " You pick" you did.
She changed it ... and paid more because her affordability allowed it.. You are allowed to be disappointed. It is meant to be romantic and meant to be a beautiful time.. She chose, to go against what she originally stated, "your choice"...
You caved and she did what she chose.
As, I said, be careful... It's about what she wants not what constitutes togetherness and the reason why that is a must in life...
There was communication, she stated she wanted the other one... But then she should not have said "you choose" at that point , we accept or else we say, I "can't choose" can I take a bit longer?
She said, You choose and then did in my opinion the un-thinkable. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 2:51:14 AM | Wait, wait, wait. *read the whole thread this time*
You talked about it. You agreed to it. She paid the difference. YOU AGREED TO IT.
What is the problem?
I'm all for symbolism, but if you can't say, "Honey, I don't feel right about this... sweetie pie.... pookie bear," then your communication system is crappy. Relationships go MUCH SMOOTHER once you start communicating what you actually want.
Also- never, ever, ever make life changing decisions about a relationship during a "rough patch." I'm sick of hearing people say, "It'll be better once we're married." NO IT WON'T BE. Any MAJOR problems you have prior to getting married will be exacerbated. (Though I still think the worst thing I ever heard was, "Maybe having a baby would fix things!" ... ugh) | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:11:25 AM | Again. Thanks for the responces.
Try clear things up since I didn't write a book from the beginning.
The part that is tainted for me is when I took her to a nice resturant and suprised her with the ring with the help of the wait staff. It was perfect. She cried a little and said she loved it. I was besides myself with joy. Now, with the ring gone, the idea of the whole moment is just funky.
Once she told me she didn't like the ring it made me feel bad. You can't take those words back and say "oh, it is not that bad afterall." If she kept it we both know she doesn't really like it and would remind me every time I seen it. That is why I told her to get the other one. The cat was out of the bag. She had a case of buyers remorse.
It took a day and a half of her beening in a mood. I knew something was wrong but she would not tell me and after pestering for a while she told me. The communication issue bugs me a bit too. I'll talk to her some more once my emotions die down a bit. I still love her.
The reason I posted here is because I want unbiased input. My friends would take my side and I don't want that. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:14:34 AM | Its an engagement ring. You upgrade that with a wedding ring. You should have picked it out by yourself and she should have been happy with whatever she got if she loved you, for you.
I party away about a grand a month and usually have plenty of money to spoil a woman well... most women. But as soon as they expect it or worse, demand it, I’m out. If they aren't happy with what I find pride in offering, then something is wrong on their end.
Bottom line, she should have proudly shown off the ring, regardless of the bling factor, and waited until you shopped together for the perfect wedding band, which you would have gladly provided.
In fact, if I ever pop the question again, what you describe might be a good test to find out where her heart really is. Something out of a Cracker-Jack box might serve the purpose. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 74 | |
| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:19:40 AM | OP I can understand you being hurt. So if you want to screw your wedding over a ring go ahead, or dump her over the ring like some suggest here.
It is your fiancée it is your wedding it is your life ... dump her or forget about it and move forward. Either way forget about it because there is no point in starting out a new life and having old issue about a "ring" being a stumbling block.
If it really bothers you then break up, if it doesn't bother you then move forward. There is allot more to marriage than a ring, either way.
S | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:25:58 AM | I think it's romantic that a man would even think like this.
Kodak and Hallmark and Hollywood rarely show us this part -- what goes on before and after The Magic Moment -- what you describe is a lot more like what usually happens, don't you think?
In olden times, he'd buy a ring without any of her input; she'd be grateful to have it, and keep her mouth shut even if she hated it like stink.
The customs of wearing these rings, and of the man picking them for the woman to wear -- don't always fit so well with how we live today.
Since you have displayed such sensitivity, I feel safe assuming you would not have wanted her to wear a ring she didn't like, and never tell you. If that's true, it has to be in the delivery of the message, as you have acknowledged, where you two can do some work together. | |
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